Starting Anew...Hope and A Future

Just Life...

2011-08-18T10:39:00.000-07:00

Wow...I'm just realizing how long it has been since I have written anything at all. A few people have asked about my writing and why I stopped, and the only answer I could come up with is that I have writer's block. I have had the desire to write but really nothing to write about. I've thought many times that I should write something just because...but in all reality, every time I have thought about writing "just anything"...I immediately follow it up with "who wants to read about my boring life?" Even I find my life boring at this moment! LOL

But, I guess the better perspective would be this...God has blessed me with a quiet lull in my life after the major storm that Jay and I endured for such a long time...and then I went through even more after that...so this is my "lull" season. I rejoice in that.

So what is happening in my life right now?

I still love my job at my church! New opportunities are beginning to open up to me and growth is happening in my position. I love it when I am able to do new things, in addition to the old things all while serving the Lord at the same time!

My roomie and I are getting ready to move to a new apartment next weekend. We are excited for this change. We will be closer to the church, and I will be closer to my mom and niece so I can help them with all of their daily happenings. Kristin (my roomie) and I have been praying for a while about being better stewards with the money the Lord has given to us, and this apartment is the solution to that. It happens to be the same apartment complex that Jay and I lived in many MANY years ago. When Kristin and I walked around the complex, it looked different but had the same feel. I felt such a peace and that gave me the ability to exhale with delightful nostalgic memories running through my mind and heart. So next week, another new chapter can be added to my life story.

I am currently looking forward to helping my 14 year old niece adjust to being a freshman in high school. (Yikes! How did THAT happen?!) Being closer allows me to spend more time helping her with homework or just being a mentor. I love Aly so much and would absolutely DIE for her. She is an amazing girl; very smart and has a heart of gold. She dreams of being a K-9 cop...so I will do all I can to help her to attain that goal. Lots of hard work ahead of us, but we will do it. There will be extra work on my part as I try to keep her focused on her dream and not on BOYS! This girl is gorgeous and has started gaining the attraction of boys...I feel as though the sharks are circling BUT I have my bat in hand, ready to strike any one of them that tries any funny business with my girl! LOL I realize the whole "boyfriend thing" is inevitable...EVENTUALLY...but not now. She is too young! But she has a good head on her shoulders and is making very wise choices at this point regarding boys...I'm just praying it continues.

And as for me...well...life has carried on, I am feeling more like myself...not exactly the old me...but more like an "I've-been-through-a lot-and-I-have-learned-and-taken-notes-and-actually-applied-them" wiser version of the old me. I am a little more serious about things. I think more critically about things. I reason more and act a little less out of my emotions. (still a work in progress but improvement is improvement and I'll take it!) I am less attached to "things" and see the bigger picture MUCH more clearly. Having someone you love in heaven will do that to ya! The greatest realization has been...nothing is more important than God...ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! So HE will continue to be my greater focus in my life. I will serve Him as I have been, and prayerfully a little more in the coming days/months/years as He sees fit.

I care a little bit more about myself these days too...started taking vitamins, eating a little better (a little), have lost 10 lbs and have a desire to start exercising. WHAT?! LOL! I just want to be healthier and help myself to generally feel good. I am beginning to desire to experience my life again instead of just existing in it and moving around like a robot. I actually SMILE more! That's nice. I was beginning to think that I was not going to feel joy in my heart again. God is amazing in His restorative efforts!

And along with all of this...brace yourselves...I have started feeling the desire to have someone special in my life again. And NO! There is no one currently even in my thought process!! So there better not be any rumors of me having a boyfriend or anything of the sort! LOL! But, in embracing my singleness, I read the book, Choosing God's Best and there is a sentence in there that I have tucked in my heart..."Don't worry about finding the right person; concentrate on being the right person for someone and let the Lord do the rest." Wow! Can you say, "Game-changer"??! I miss the companionship of a special someone, but I want my focus to be on who the Lord has for me, and how I may add to that person's life and NOT on setting out to find that person myself. My concentration is going to be on making the changes the Lord points out that need to be made in me, and maintaining the attributes the Lord identifies as being "attractive" to Him.

Jeremiah 29:11 tells me that the Lord has a plan for me...let's see what He has in store! I'm listening, Lord...

I Am the Clay...

2011-03-25T11:45:00.000-07:00

A potter who throws clay on a pottery wheel sometimes has no idea what he is about to build, but he takes a big, shapeless glob of clay and throws it onto the center of the wheel knowing that with the work of his hands and some manipulation he will eventually come out with something...a vase, a bowl, a cup...many possibilities. It is all about the skill of the potter and the temperament of the clay.

The Word tells us in Isaiah 64:8, "Yet O Lord, You are our Father. We are the clay; You are the potter; we are all the work of Your hand." I have never identified more with clay in my entire life than I do right this minute! I envision God, the Potter, sitting at the wheel, with me as the shapeless glob of clay spinning out of control with no structure...spinning, spinning, spinning - no real direction or purpose. Then the Lord sets His loving hands upon me, firm but gentle. No longer spinning aimlessly and out of control, the rough edges begin to smooth out. As I begin to take shape with a solid foundation and a bit of structure, He releases the firm grip and exchanges it with the loving touch of His finger in the center as if pointing to the core of me to say, "You are mine and you will be formed to serve my purposes." With His finger touching on the center and the core being exposed, the junk that is inside has no place else to go but to be purged out.

Until very recently, I lost my direction. I lost my drive. I lost my purpose. Well...I guess I didn't lose them...I just kind of set them aside in my exhaustion from fighting against my new life. The first year after Jay died was a breeze compared to this second year. Last Summer, in the beginning of the second year, my grief seemed to really take hold of me and I was filled with feelings of being lost, not belonging anywhere, going through the motions of my new life but not really living my life. I was trying to give glory to the Lord, but I don't know that it was all truly felt in my heart.

I basically was angry with God that I had to start my life all over again and try to figure out who I am if I'm not "Jay's wife." I spent literally half of my life with this man and now I have to try and figure out what to do in this life on my own. Who the heck am I? Yes, I am a child of God...but if you feel lost and without a sense of purpose, what do you do with that? Well, the Lord has been busy showing me what being a child of God really means.

It means that when I fall apart, walk away, and give up on myself - He is there with endless love and compassion just waiting for me to make the decision to return to Him for my comfort and rebuilding.

Jeremiah 18:4 says, "The pot he [the potter] was shaping from the clay was marred in his hands; so the potter formed it into another pot, shaping it as seemed best to him. Then the word of the Lord came to me: "O house of Israel, can I not do with you as this potter does?" declares the Lord. Like clay in the hand of the potter, so are you in my hand, O house of Israel."

Every time I do something to change the depth, the shape, the structure of our relationship - He is faithful to take me down to the foundation of my being, Jesus Christ - who saved me from my sins, and remind me that I am loved no matter what I do and once I take hold of His promises again, He begins to rebuild on that foundation.

I am in the rebuilding stage now. I have returned to Him for my comfort; and I am realizing...again...that He truly does love me and just because I was angry with Him doesn't mean that He is looking at me with condemnation (that's from the enemy), but rather, He is looking at me with loving eyes saying, "I will rebuild you from scratch with My own hands."And maybe who I will be is somebody different from who I was before, but if God can restore Job after all that he went through and not only restore him but create a better life for him than he had before - I'm totally on board with that and trusting Him to do just that for me!

So while an earthly potter looks at the clay and doesn't know exactly what he will come out with in the end; our heavenly Potter knows, even before He begins, what masterpiece will stand before Him when His work is done.

His work in me is far from being done, but I am beginning to see some changes. The spark has been ignited and He is fanning the flame. I long to spend time with the Lord, learning about Him, and I am seeking to be about His business again. He has given me the desire to serve Him with the gifts I have been blessed with. My heart is beginning to actually feel again and open up. He is using me to encourage people through their trials, which is what I have always loved to do!

And He has given me something to write about again. It's difficult to write about these things that don't necessarily shed a great light on me or my selfish behavior, but the glory belongs to the Lord for what He will accomplish through this.

The rebuilding and restoration has begun. This is just the first phase...stay tuned...

Blocked...

2011-03-14T15:45:00.001-07:00

I am presently experiencing writer's block. Please keep checking back as I am praying and asking the Lord to restore my ability to write again.

As for now...

I...got...nothin'!

Love to all.

Jamie

Helpful Hints for Those Ministering to Grieving Hearts...

2010-12-27T09:42:00.000-08:00

While I am not an expert on anything...one thing I have had plenty of experience in these past 17+ months is the grieving process. Everyone grieves differently; some openly, some in private, and some...well...not at all. (I'll talk about that last one a little later.)

I haven't written in my blog for a while because I have felt the need to draw near to the Lord even more so now than ever. It seems that the second year for me has been more difficult than the first. For a time, I lost my desire to write...and I still don't feel as though I will continue on a consistent basis, but I felt the Lord prompting me to write about how someone might be able to reach out to a friend or loved one who is hurting due to the loss of their spouse.

Since becoming a widow, I have taken the journey and become friends with a few ladies who, sadly, have joined this elite club. I am no expert, as I said previously, but I have walked the road for a time now and am familiar with it's inevitable twists and turns so I have some insight into "the process". I have had people contact me as a result of this and ask me if I can offer some advice on how a person may help someone who is hurting due to the loss of a spouse.

Here is what I always start with:

#1 - BE IN PRAYER for them, and also ask the Lord to show you how you may be of comfort to them.

#2 - BE SILENT. Words mean NOTHING to someone who has just lost a spouse. You can have the best of intentions in trying to relate to their level of loss, but your words will only reach the exterior of a person's brain at this point. Even if you have lost a spouse yourself, your experience of loss is still very different than someone else's experience so you can't assume you know exactly what they are going through. If the deceased was a believer, it is appropriate to rejoice to some degree that they are in the presence of the Lord. If the person who is the widow/widower is rejoicing and feeling a sense of relief, take your queue from them and rejoice with them. If the rejoicing is not being expressed outwardly by them, my advice is to be cautious when offering your comfort in the form of words.

#3 - BE PRESENT. Observe how the person is grieving and act accordingly. Maybe they just need you to be in the room, or cook for them (this could be especially wonderful if they have small children that need to be cared for), or clean the house, or grocery shop...the Lord will give you discernment on how best to make yourself available to a grieving widow/widower. (NOTE: Grocery shopping was a big one for me. I couldn't make it down one aisle of the grocery store without losing it and having to walk out because that is where I shopped for anything my husband wanted to or could eat in those last months. If the person you are concerned about was a caregiver for someone with a long-term illness, this may be an area that you can be of greater use because the grocery store can be a HUGE trigger.)

#4 - BE AVAILABLE. At the time of loss everyone, friends and family alike, make themselves available for service or to be of help and comfort in some capacity but after the funeral is over, as would be expected, people get back into their own daily routines, work, ministry, etc. and life carries on and they are not as available as they were originally. These are the times when the loneliness sets in because the grieving person is still feeling as though time has stopped for them. The person grieving is the one who is watching on the sidelines while everyone else is living. Be mindful to possibly include the person at your dinner table, or ask them if they want to take a walk around the block, but if the person is reluctant to go anywhere or do anything, make yourself available to just sit with them and see where time, prayer and conversation take you. The Lord is faithful to bring comfort to grieving people through His people. Be the extension of Him and you will see first hand that the blessing does not just come to the person who is heartbroken.

There are many stages to grief...you can google it and you will see that most websites say that there are five stages, but others say seven...but honestly, the person that is grieving feels like there are a million stages because they all happen ALL the time, and the order is not the same for each person, and most of the time each stage has a little bit of ALL the stages mixed in. This is when the person that is grieving feels most like a schizophrenic. Grief is not orderly, polite or conscious of time. It is most often messy, forceful, and demanding of time and energy. It will not be ignored.

I said at the beginning of this entry that I would address the issue of the people who do not grieve. It isn't that they are not grieving...oh, but they are! But they are choosing not to grieve by avoiding the situation and the feelings that come with it. They are the hurting people that will just about do anything not to allow themselves the full experience of grieving because it is far too painful.

They often try to replace the emptiness with something else like shopping, traveling, sex, sometimes using drugs (legal or otherwise) and alcohol in order to escape their pain. BUT, these are the people that you need to be aware of and really be prayerful as to how the Lord can use you to encourage them to allow themselves to go through the process; and then assure them that they will not be alone. It's the "being alone" part that usually has them running scared. So, try to be that source of encouragement and stability that they need in order to feel like it's okay to grieve.

Lastly, there are many people who are grieving that just "ride the waves", trusting the Lord to uphold them and help them to keep moving forward...BUT it is still an extremely difficult process even though the person is a believer and is trusting the Lord, walking closely with the Lord, and allowing the Lord to lead the way. The Lord doesn't remove the agony of grief just because we know Him well. The process is still the process as designed by Him. Painful, messy, lonely, dark, heavy...those are some of the words I have used to describe the beast that is grief. But, the Lord IS ABLE...

This process was designed by the Lord to allow those that grieve to draw near to Him and allow HIM to heal our hearts and fill that void in our lives. His people acting as the extension of Him is how He accomplishes that healing.

Please ask the Lord how you may be of use to someone grieving today.

God's Plan...My Future...

2010-11-12T14:48:00.000-08:00

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back from captivity." Jeremiah 29:11-14a

This scripture has spoken to me for many years, but has never been more appropriate than right now...this season in my life. I've been seeking the Lord for comfort, rest and restoration since Jay passed away in July 2009; and He has been faithful to meet me, to comfort me and give me rest; but I am only just now beginning to feel His restoration of my life. While I am still uncertain of things to come, my God gives me the ability to look towards my future with much anticipation, and dare I say, excitement, for what He has for me.

It hasn't been an easy transition into the new life He has given me; it definitely took me a while to embrace what He gifted me with, but I can finally say that I am comfortable with where He has me. I am blessed by my room mate and how the Lord orchestrated us living together for this season in our lives. And now that I have been in the new place for four months, and have developed a pattern in my day, and am enjoying extended fellowship in the way of friends, work, choir rehearsals and bible studies - I am feeling like I am starting to live again. There is much more to be experienced in the way of ministries at church and missions trips, but that will all come according to the Lord's timing. He knows my desire; I will wait on Him.

While I still have many days where I stop and think of Jay (at times it's still very painful) I can feel the healing taking place in my heart. The God that works "all things out for the good to those who love Him and are called according to His purpose" is doing just that for me...working out the good for me. Many of the valleys of my life that can be perceived as bad to anyone on the outside, I am lifting them up to the Lord saying, "Thank You." He is showing me that what I have been through was extremely difficult, but I have never been alone, and I have learned so much about who He is and even who I am, and now I continue the journey on this path of discovering what I am to do to serve Him in this part of my life.

The questions I ask now are, "What do you have for me, Lord? Where can I serve You? Will I ever have love again? Will I ever become the person YOU have in mind?"

Knowing that the Lord only has my best interests at heart, it feels good to be able to trust that my Father will always take good care of me. More valleys will come, this I am certain of. But having been through one of the deepest, darkest valleys I can experience, and not only surviving it, but I have come through it praising His Holy Name; I think I will be okay. My hope and future are His.

By faith...

Heavenly Father, thank You for the healing and growth I have experienced lately. I have learned that I can trust You to lead the way; even when I don't like what You are leading me to and through, You are faithful to walk with me, guide me, hold me, strengthen me, and fill me with the bravery needed to persevere. Fill me afresh with Your Holy Spirit that I may continue to take steps in the direction in which You are guiding me. Use me, Lord. Use my circumstances to glorify You. I want none of it. Anything that is good in me is because of YOU. Show me how to be more like You. Transform me. It is Your image I want to reflect. Help me to know Your will for my life. Search me, God. I want a fresh start this day. I love You. I live for You. In Jesus name. Amen.

Persevere for Jesus' Sake...

2010-10-22T09:24:00.000-07:00

Trials.

You just have to say the word; every Christian knows the job they have to do...persevere through them. The Lord sifts them through His loving hands. They are meant to stretch us...grow us up...and prove to ourselves and everyone else that our FAITH is real. Do we ask for them? NO WAY! Nobody in their right mind would ever ask for trials to be handed to them! LOL But, when given something seemingly bad, it's an opportunity to draw closer to the Lord than you have ever been. Who can argue with that? I know when I am going through something pretty trying; I want to be as close to the Lord as possible.

I remember when Jay was sick and things would get really rough from his treatments. He would be in pain, so sick, running a fever, chills; you name it - he had it. I would be awake all hours of the day and night trying to get everything under control for him; get him the least bit comfortable. There were times that I just cried out to the Lord, sometimes in private and sometimes right where I was at...bedside with Jay, in the bathroom, in the kitchen...wherever I was - cry out to Him. It was hard. I didn't want to do it anymore! I didn't have the energy or the willpower to get through. It seemed as though we'd been through the cancer trial for an eternity, and the Lord was still expecting us to endure it for an additional eternity. Impossible!!

But then Jesus came...

And now, I am a widow and I have experienced every emotion you could think of. The life I thought I would have with my husband was no longer an option. Everything I knew was taken away when Jay passed away. The loneliness alone is enough to severely mar and disfigure a person's existence. There were times that I just didn't want to live anymore. I told the Lord that I just couldn't do it. I couldn't handle what He was calling me to endure.

But then Jesus came...

Have you ever felt Him standing before you? Maybe you couldn't see Him with your human eyes, but your heart felt that He was before you, calling you to action? Our own expectations of Him sometimes get in the way and we don't see things as the Lord intended. We think we can't do what He has called us to do; what He has called us to persevere through.

But then Jesus comes...

Jesus endured much suffering as He walked the earth in human form. He was God in flesh. He had feelings, emotions, physical fatigue; He was ridiculed, beaten beyond recognition, and then impaled with large spikes and hung on a cross. For...ME?? Yes, He persevered for my sake. Jesus endured everything so that I could have eternal salvation and permission to come to my Father with my petitions.

The Lord has given me the strength to go on; to take steps in this new life of unknown possibilities, good or bad, and He has blessed me with every step that I take on this path; trusting that He has a firm grip on me. When I feel like I will fall; He sends Jesus to ask, "Will you do this for Me?" When I can't move, I'm too tired, I'm being disobedient to the calling on my life, Jesus stands before me and asks, "Will you do this for Me? Will you hold on a little longer? Will you endure a little more pain, anguish, fear, devastation, ridicule...for My sake, knowing that OUR Father is in control and trusting that this trial will not last forever...will you hold onto Me? Our Father will deliver you in time, but you have to persevere...will you do that - for ME?"

How can I say 'No'?

If you are hurting, angry, anguished, devastated...you name it...Jesus is in your face right now asking you to hold on. Will you do it...for Him?

Seasons Change...

2010-10-04T17:57:00.001-07:00

Well something must be happening within me...

I've stopped counting the number of days you've been gone.
I've stopped daydreaming about what I could have done differently to keep you here longer.
I've stopped beating myself up for all the things I fell short on in our life together.
I've stopped wondering if you're okay.

I've started counting on the fact that I KNOW I will see you again someday.
I've started daydreaming about what heaven really looks like.
I've started loving myself for the person I became by the time you said "goodbye".
I've started believing that you are well.

I know that God holds you tightly every single day.
I know that you are proud of me for who I have become.
I know that you still love me even though we are not here together.
I know that you are living in God's glory.
I know that you will be waiting for me when it is my time.

I TRUST the Lord to bless your soul because you asked Him into your heart.
I TRUST the Lord to show you all the things He wanted you to know.
I TRUST the Lord to keep you safe.
I TRUST the Lord...period.

Missing you, my Love. I still think of you often...even though I may not be counting the number of days since you went to heaven. Now is my time to live a new life...for the Lord. I trust what He has for me and even though it is a very foreign place to live right now, I will persevere and finish well. I will carry you in my heart forever, Baby.

Heavenly Father, thank You for Your strength in this moment...and every other. YOU are the reason I live. Help me to seek Your plan for me. Help me to understand my calling. I pray that you will help me to open my heart to all things new. Thank You for loving me. Thank You for Your grace and Your mercy that are new each and every day that I surrender my life to You. Give me Your wisdom; Your discernment. What do You have for my life, Lord? Who will You surround me with? What things may I accomplish for YOUR glory? How may I serve You? Pour Your spirit out afresh on me, Lord. Help me to walk in Your way. Show me Your path. I praise Your Holy Name! Amen.

Life Keeps Movin'...

2010-09-08T15:10:00.000-07:00

Wow...blink and two months goes by without a blog entry!

Okay, so here is an update on ME...

The Lord is growing me in my faith as I walk this road of grief. Honestly, I thought I had it pretty much "handled"...and then my whole life changed. I didn't realize that making so many changes in a short period of time would cause me to react in such a way as to open up old wounds. And from what I hear, this is all very normal. The sniper known as "grief" has reared his ugly head these past couple of months. I was not prepared in the slightest for all of the range of emotions to come flooding back again.

I moved to my new apartment in July, and I love my new apartment, but when I moved in, there was nothing in it that said "Jay lives here." And I absolutely love my roomie, Kristin! She is a doll! But, I struggled for a brief time with living with someone that wasn't my husband. I had to form new routines in a new place with my new roomie...and I just wasn't really prepared for how I would feel about that. Thankfully, enough time has gone by and now I have accepted my new home and new roomie as my gift from the Lord and I have allowed the Lord to minister to me through this time. As I have released my vise grip on my past life and given it all to Him; He is slowly revealing to me what my new life holds.

I live with a great girl! She is an amazing and wonderful godly woman. She inspires me to take my vise grip and apply to the Lord's promises. Kristin is 10 years younger than I am, but is a wise-beyond-her-years kind of girl. As I am navigating this world now as a single woman, Kristin is my tangible example from the Lord of how to wait for the Lord's plan to unfold. Don't just live life looking for a spouse, but live life for the Lord and HIS selection for a spouse will come in HIS time.

A lot of people don't know the story of how Kristin and I came to be roommates. This story will show you just how the Lord orchestrates His perfect plans. After Jay had passed away in July last year, I had begun praying to the Lord for His direction on where I would be living. I couldn't really afford to stay in that house and maintain it for very long on one income so I began to pray for the Lord to show me if I should stick it out in the house or begin looking for an apartment somewhere. It took a couple of months with no answers from the Lord, so I decided to go and look at apartments myself so I could see what was out there. Well, what I saw was that I can't afford an apartment either!! Apartments are ridiculously expensive! But every time I began looking at apartments, I felt in my heart, the Lord telling me NO. He kept putting the scripture Psalm 46:10 "Be still and know that I AM God" in front of me...on cards, in books, in my journals, etc. So, I just kept praying and seeking His plan.

One day, I had just had enough of the waiting and I poured my heart out to the Lord and said, "Lord, where am I supposed to live? What should I do? Am I supposed to stay in this house that I can't take care of? I can't afford anything out there! What should I do?" And right as I was crying out to Him; He flashed a picture of Kristin's face inside my heart. And I thought, "Lord, what does that mean?" He just kept showing me Kristin! Now, at this time, Kristin and I were co-workers, working on becoming good friends...going to lunch from time to time...but I wouldn't say that we were "besties' or anything...I don't think she would either. LOL But, I just kept placing it before the Lord asking Him to tell me what He had planned and He just continued to place Kristin on my heart. So, I finally said, "Okay, Lord, if you are saying that Kristin and I should discuss moving in together, have her come to me! She is so much younger than me! Why would she want to live with me? Lord, are you sure?"

So, I continued to pray about it for some time...I didn't even tell my best friend Karen about what the Lord had shown me! THAT is a miracle! But I wanted to see how the Lord worked this one out and thought it would be best to leave it between Him and me...and Kristin.

A number of weeks later, I get an email from Kristin saying, "Hey, let's meet for lunch sometime. I want to talk to you about something." Well...right then and there, I KNEW! So, I went over and told Karen all that had happened...I think she thought I was a little nutso, but I told her that I thought Kristin was going to talk to me about this and I would let her know when I got back from having lunch with her.

Kristin and I met that afternoon for lunch. And she started the conversation with something like this, "Well, I wanted to talk to you about something...I don't know where you are at with the whole living situation but I was wondering if you might be interested in getting a place together?" And I just looked at Kristin with this KNOWING look and smile on my face. I told her everything that the Lord had shown me and that I KNEW she was going to talk to me about this! She got glory bumps!! We both did!! But then she had a little twist on the story herself. She told me that the Lord had shown her my face and given her my name even before Jay had passed away. She continued to pray for me and my situation and our possible future living arrangement for months before even deciding to approach me about living together!

GOD IS AN AMAZING GOD!! Seriously, when He says He has a plan...and He has it all under control...HE AIN'T JUST WHISTLING DIXIE!! He truly has every tiny little detail in order and He works all things out for the good to those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.

So, here we are! Kristin and I are now living together and she has been so patient to deal with my ups and downs and transitions. The Lord has blessed me with a great friend.

In addition to transitioning into a new life, last month I had to have knee surgery to repair two tears in my right meniscus. Outpatient surgery was set for 8/26, and the days leading up to the surgery were a struggle because it was my first major "thing" to happen without Jay. I couldn't figure out why I was so down about the whole thing, and then the night before the surgery while driving in my car to Karen's house where I would be recovering after surgery, I muttered, "Lord, I wish Jay could be here with me for this." And just like that - I understood why I was feeling so poorly. I was really missing my honey. I can't believe more than a year later and I still get the wind knocked out of me when I realize that he is not here anymore. Weird how the roller coaster of emotions can get triggered by the smallest of things.

So, here I am - I went through surgery and have recovered now. I'm still missing my honey, but the heart pain has subsided for now.

For now.

TODAY, I am well...I am living...and I am learning to love my life again. God is faithful. I am blessed. (Note to self: Let's try to stay focused on that, Jamie.)

Life keeps movin'...I think I'll put my tennis shoes on and start movin' along with it.

God in the Clouds...

2010-07-26T15:26:00.000-07:00

Too many changes at once bring about too many emotions! I wrote a couple of weeks ago about moving to my new apartment and being excited to start my new life. Well, in addition to that excitement these changes have brought about fear and sadness; and these feelings have sparked a whole new level of my grief. Oy!...

Once I got everything into the apartment...20+ years worth of my life!...from a house into an apartment, I quickly realized...more like got slapped upside the head...that EVERYTHING is now completely different. It was my life; only turned inside out now. Nothing was familiar any longer. And since that realization, I have struggled with closing the door on my old life that included Jay to opening the door to a new life that doesn't include anything about him. A HUGE dose of reality has come over me and it feels like that dark cloud has returned...or maybe it never really went away but has grown bigger.

As I have given these heavy-hearted feelings over to the Lord, and many tears, He has been ministering to me about dark clouds and how He is using them to remind me that He is still with me. And not only that; He promises to bring me a rainbow to shine His light on my heart.

"And God said, 'This is the sign of the covenant which I make between Me and you, and every living creature that is with you, for perpetual generations: I set My rainbow in the cloud, and it shall be for the sign of the covenant between Me and the earth. It shall be, when I bring a cloud over the earth, that the rainbow shall be seen in the cloud; and I will remember My covenant which is between Me and you and every living creature of all flesh; the waters shall never again become a flood to destroy all flesh. The rainbow shall be in the cloud, and I will look on it to remember the everlasting covenant between God and every living creature of all flesh that is on the earth." Genesis 9:12-16

I remember studying rainbows in science class in high school. I remember that the teacher told us that rainbows are refracted light that breaks into several particles which cause the different beautiful colors. As the Lord has ministered to me over and over these past few weeks specifically...He reminds me that there is only One source of Light. GOD is the Creator of Light. And He created these rainbows that come with dark clouds as a reminder that HE can be found in those clouds that darken my days and weigh heavy on my heart. I need only seek Him and strengthen my relationship with Him as I go through this season.

During the past few weeks I have missed my Jay more than ever before. The pain is unbearable sometimes, but I have snapshots in my heart of him and the memories that we made together, good and bad, and I replay those quite often so he is still a part of my present life. I will see him again one day...this, I know. And we will continue on with our journey.

The Lord's promise to me is that I will find Him in the clouds. Dark clouds are necessary in order to have a clear view of His rainbows.

I'm looking, Lord...

One Year...

2010-07-12T15:55:00.000-07:00

"Afoot and lighthearted I take to the open road, healthy, free, the world before me, the long brown path before me leading wherever I choose." - Walt Whitman

Today...a milestone has been reached. One year ago today, my husband went to heaven. I can honestly say that in the 12 months that have gone by; my heart has received healing. Not complete healing yet, but the Lord has been faithful to fill my empty heart with His promises of comfort in times of pain; His companionship in times of loneliness; and His love in times of heart famine. Major healing has been received from the Lord's demonstration of His unfailing love for me.

His provision has never been more visible and tangible. I haven't written for a long time because of the overwhelming feeling of AWE and WONDER at His special provision for widows. Yes, I have felt lonely; but He has held me. I have felt ruined; but He is restoring me. I have felt like an alien; but He loves me.

The Lord has shown me that if I place my complete trust in Him that He will always prove to be enough for me. And He is most certainly enough.

I quoted Walt Whitman earlier because I love what the quote has to say about having the freedom to take the path of my choosing, but I want to add a scriptural reference to it because any path that we choose still needs to involve the Lord. When we are faithful to lay it all out before the Lord, He is faithful to show us which way to go on the path of life.

"You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand." Psalm 16:11

Any path worth choosing is a path that has been paved by the Lord. It's never a mystery to the Lord which way to go; we just have to allow Him to show us and then be obedient to His direction. There is always a blessing to our obedience.

"I run in the path of Your commands, for You have set my heart free." Psalm 119:32

"Direct me in the path of Your commands, for there I find delight." Psalm 119:35

The Lord's hand has been upon my life since Jay went to heaven. He has placed me in His loving and gentle care. He has seen fit to move me to a new apartment. (There is a story there, and I will share another time.) This past weekend, I moved from the home that Jay and I lived in together to a new apartment and a new life. While I loved that home for a time, it was no longer a home to me when Jay left. But the Lord is the One who makes my home now and I believe that there is much in store for me in this new life. The Lord didn't bring me this far to drop me on my head. I look forward with much anticipation to what the Lord has in store for me in this new life.

I find myself daydreaming about the new adventures that I will experience. I can't help but think of Job and the loss that he experienced and how the Lord was faithful to restore his life completely and even beyond what he had previously. I have suffered a big loss, yes. But I have also experienced a big gain and that is that my faith in my God has grown exponentially. I am truly blessed that I have a God that loves me this much.

Thank You, Father, for the gift of walking this path. Thank You for guiding the way when I have been completely lost. Nothing makes sense without You. Light the way, Father. I'm following. Amen.

When All Else Escapes You...Praise the Lord!

2010-04-26T11:03:00.000-07:00

"PRAISE the Lord! Praise the Lord, O my soul! While I live I will praise the LORD; I will sing praises to my God while I have my being." Psalm 146:1-2

Here is what I know for sure...I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING! LOL The reason for everything happening in my life escapes me right now; but GOD knows! I will put my trust in the fact that the Lord knows why the events of my life are necessary. (Psalm 46:10 "Be still and know that I AM God.") I will trust that these trials will strengthen me and my new found strength will please and glorify the Lord.

Lately, I have been in this place of not knowing what will happen to me next, where I will live, what my new life will be like...with all of this uncertainty, you would think that I could ask the Lord a million questions or submit my petitions for the life I hope to have, but I just don't know what to pray for. I have been here before where I don't know what to ask for in my prayers...but in my experience, when I don't know what to say or to ask for; when all else escapes me, the best thing to do is to just PRAISE THE LORD.

I've been reading the Psalms for the past several days because I have found that when you need a time of refreshing or encouragement from the Lord, the Psalms are the place to go. David was attacked on all sides; some of it was self-inflicted and some just general persecution, but no matter where the attacks came from or how they were brought about; whether by the Lord or by his own choices, David was able to turn to the Lord for strength, encouragement, bravery, protection and provision.

THIS is where I am at in my life right now. I need the Lord's strength, encouragement, bravery, protection and provision. Is it scary to be a widow? Yes. In this economy, to go from two incomes to one, is not favorable. And to go from sharing a life with someone to not having that companionship is a lonely, scary feeling. And, when your hopes in this life and the plans you once had have fallen through, well, that can be pretty devastating. BUT, if I am faithful to give my loss, and the feelings that are generated by it all, back to Him and PRAISE Him for what HE is able to do in my life, these circumstances will most assuredly glorify Him! In faith, I will continue to surrender everything to Him and rely on His abilities, His strength, His courage, His provision, His companionship and HIS LOVE.

Ephesians 3:20 says, "Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever, Amen."

He is able to do exceedingly abundantly ABOVE all I ask or think! Wow, I don't have to ask for anything or even think about what I want! He is able to do so much more than anything I can imagine so all I have to do is be still and trust Him. He alone is praiseworthy!

So I will praise the Lord, O my soul!

Thank You, Father! Thank You, for all that I have and all that I don't have; for You are the One Who knows what is best for me. I trust You, Lord. I place my life, my heart and my soul into Your able hands. I love You. In Jesus Name. Amen.

Asking, Seeking, Knocking...

2010-04-13T13:46:00.000-07:00

"So I say to you, ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened." Luke 11:9-10

Wow...I read this scripture recently and this is where I am at. Only the Lord can answer my many questions and help me to move forward in this process. I haven't written in a few weeks because I have been in a holding pattern with the Lord. (Psalm 46:10 "Be still and know that I AM God.") I have been praying and waiting for the Lord to guide me in the next steps of my new life.

It has been nine months since Jay passed away, and so far it has been the usual roller coaster of emotions that you read about in all of the grief books. But along with those emotions, God has given me plenty of opportunities to share my experience and minister to people as they grieve. I have received a lot of healing by being able to comfort those that are hurting just like me. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 says it perfectly, "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God." Simply put - if you receive comfort from the Lord; extend that comfort to someone who is hurting and in need of comfort. I pray that I can continue to be used to extend this comfort. My heart goes out to the broken-hearted.

Since last writing, the Lord has revealed much to me. I will be moving at some point in the near future. My house is officially on the market to be sold. Prayerfully, the house will sell and I will move out in the Lord's time. There aren't many houses selling in my neighborhood these days, but the Lord is ABLE. I believe that there is a perfect person meant to purchase my home. It will just take patience on my part. One thing that I was told about selling my house is that I have to disclose that my husband passed away in my home. Well, that really stinks in a big way! I asked my realtor if we can make sure everyone knows that Jay passed away peacefully of cancer and it wasn't some murder-suicide or homicide or anything like that. LOL You know, like all that stuff you see on the news! Oh my goodness! LOL

Along with selling my home, I am trying to shed some of my 20 years worth of stuff. I will most definitely be downsizing to an apartment or condo when it's time to move. I'm only one person...I don't need that much stuff. And along those lines...another thing that the Lord has been able to etch on my heart is that it really is "just stuff". There are a few things that hold sentimental value to me in my house, but the Lord has given me the ability to look at it from His point of view and see that it isn't important the amount of stuff I have, or how nice it is...material items really are just that...material. It is the memories that you hold onto, not the item that gave you the memory in the first place. It will be nice to shed myself of all of this and take the next step in my new life. In the Lord's time, of course.

The Lord is faithful to continue to teach me what is truly important. FAITH in HIM! As I seek Him in faith; the plan will be revealed. I have FAITH that He will see me through; HOPE in His promises; and LOVE...the LOVE of Jesus Christ. The greatest of these truly is....LOVE.

Father, thank You for Your faithfulness to guide my steps as I seek You. I am grateful for the chance to serve You and glorify Your Holy Name. I pray that You will continue to use me as your vessel and use my testimony to show others Your greatness. You are bigger than my circumstances. I trust You, Lord, in everything that happens. Help me to see Your plan for my life, and help me to take the necessary steps to fulfill that plan - even if I hesitate, move me. Thank You for loving me, my Abba Father. In Jesus precious name. Amen.

The GOOD In All Things...

2010-03-12T09:58:00.000-08:00

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28

If you desire to know; I mean really know how good God is; don't just read this scripture - engrave it on your heart. Are all circumstances in life good? No. But, the Lord shows those who believe in Him, and desire to see the good in everything, just how faithful He is by allowing us to see with our own eyes how every situation in our lives leads to something greater than our present circumstances.

"...in all things God works for the good..."

An example for me today was that my church is having a women's retreat this weekend where there will be a dramatic skit (Insert spoiler alert here in case you are attending the retreat!) and one of the props that will be used is an IV bag pole in an attempt to make the stage look like an examination room. I am providing this "prop" to be used in the skit. This pole used to belong to my hubby. At one point in his illness, he had a bad infection and needed around the clock IV fluids at home. I used to administer the IV medications using this pole. It's a not-so-great memory for me.

I've had this pole for a very long time and have thought on a number of occasions, "What on earth will I do with this thing? I should just throw it away." Well, the Lord has a purpose even for this silly pole that holds a negative memory for me! The idea that the Lord can use something as simple as this pole to bring glory to Himself through this skit is such an encouragement to me.

Now, don't get me wrong, I am NOT insinuating that Jay got cancer so that a stupid pole could be used in a skit at a women's retreat. But what I am saying is that even though my honey had to endure such bad things during his illness, the Lord is faithful to take everything that could be perceived as bad and bring about good things from it. He IS the God of all hope. This pole has become a symbol of Romans 8:28 and the Lord is using this symbol to remind me of just how good He really is.

"And we know [I KNOW] that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

I am so blessed to know that the trial my husband and I have been through (any part thereof) will be used to bring even the smallest amount of glory to my God. Nothing ever happens in vain. God uses all things, people and circumstances.

To God be the glory! Amen.

I Am Not My Own...

2010-02-24T15:24:00.000-08:00

I haven't written for a few weeks. I have been experiencing some changes in my heart and I needed to take some time to really take it all in and receive it. The Lord has been so faithful to continue healing my heart a little bit more everyday. Do I miss my Jay? YES. But it is no longer incredibly painful to think of him. Praise the Lord for healing!

I have been meditating on scripture in order to really understand what the Lord wants from me in this process. It took me a while to allow myself to understand my title of "widow" but I have come to accept that title. Isaiah 54:5 says, "For your Maker is your husband - the Lord Almighty is his name - the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; he is called the God of all the earth." I am no longer a married person on earth; I am married to my Lord.

From an earthly stand-point, I am considered single now...which means I must be pure in the Lord's sight until such a time as when the Lord decides to bring another husband to me. Believe me, it is very difficult for me to even fathom having someone else in my life besides Jay, but the Word tells me that because I am a young widow; I will marry again. So, I believe that the Lord has a plan for my future which includes a new married life. Until then, I must remain committed to the Lord and stay pure.

I would've never thought that at 40 I would need to be thinking about my sexual purity whether mental or physical, but the Lord has allowed my circumstances to become such that I need to be ready to be held accountable for these things. I need to honor Him with my whole heart, mind, soul and BODY.

As a commitment to the Lord, I have given my wedding ring finger over to Jesus. This is a picture of my purity ring. A ring that means that I belong to my Maker. All that I am and all that I have belong to Him. It doesn't mean that I am not committed to Jay's memory or that I have stopped loving him. Absolutely on the contrary. I will always love Jay and he will remain in my heart forever. It is merely my commitment to Christ that is symbolized on my finger with this ring. It reminds me Who I belong to. It reminds me that nothing about me is my own.

1 Corinthians 6:19-20 says, "Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body." I have accepted that I am now single, but I am commanded by God not to ACT as a single woman, for I am not my own. I was bought by the shed blood of Jesus Christ. My everything belongs to Him.

Now why would I write about something so personal, you may ask? For the accountability! I will be held accountable for my actions...whether by people or by God...or both! I have a 12 year old niece who I want to be led BY EXAMPLE so she understands how precious she is to the Lord and that her love and physical intimacy was designed to be given as a gift to her future husband.

I want her to know that her Auntie is committed to waiting until she marries again before giving her body to a man. And while mistakes were made in the past; this is a new life being given to me, and I desire to do what is pleasing to the Lord.

This ring is a symbol of my commitment to the Lord. I am His...heart, mind, soul and body.

Thank You, Lord, for Your love for me. Thank You that You sent Jesus to not only be my Savior, but to be my husband. I may be a widow, and a single woman, but I am Yours. Guide my steps. Take my hand, Lord. I desire to walk where You walked...to know the things that You want me to know. I desire Your way. I love You with all of my heart, mind, soul and body. In Jesus' precious name. Amen.

Half Way Point...

2010-01-12T08:39:00.000-08:00

Six months ago today, I said, "See you when I get there" to my honey before his journey to heaven. It is hard to believe that six months have gone by already. Time is such a funny thing...it seems to fly by, but can feel like forever too.

I am at the half way point in the "first year" of my grief. I'm not sure if that really means anything to me or not. The first year is very hard because you have to experience all of the "first" holidays, birthdays and anniversaries...and I have been through most of them already...and actually survived them. Praise the Lord. And there are several phases...more than five if you asked me...that you have to go through in order to receive any healing at all. So, while the half way point is somewhat of a milestone today, it really doesn't make anything feel better.

I have a few more "firsts" to go through...Valentine's Day (which I kind of dread because it's just further confirmation that I really am single now) our wedding anniversary on July 11 (what would have been our 18th year of marriage, but I'm single now, so how is THAT going to feel? Weird!) and the one year anniversary of his passing...which happens to be the very next day following our anniversary AND happens to be my father's birthday. Ugh. So, there are more difficult times to come.

There are so many things that happen when you grieve the loss of someone so significant in your life. Loneliness, sadness, anger, depression and relief are all of the typical emotions that you go through. I have been through them all and they all kind of switch off in my head...which sometimes I feel like a psycho woman because my mood swings go from zero to eighty in 2.2 seconds! But they are all normal emotions and you have to just let yourself go through them in order to experience any measure of relief at all. That's how God designed it to be. If you don't allow yourself to feel everything and experience it, you can't come out on the other side a healthy person.

You don't just feel it emotionally either...you go through physical changes as well. Weight loss, weight gain, stress, anxiety, all take a toll on your body so it's like your body actually has a grieving process of its own. Those emotional and physical experiences are what I expected to happen to me. But here is the one physical change that I didn't expect to be a part of my grieving process...memory loss. I have many instances where I don't remember a conversation that I've had with someone, or details of a conversation get lost in the abyss of my mind. How frustrating is that?!

I can have an entire conversation with someone and come away from it with only bits and pieces left in my brain. I can make a mental list of things that I need to get at the grocery store and walk in there and I am lucky to remember one or two. And here is the best one of all...I will get up and go into a room with the intention of getting something or doing something in that room and when I get there...I have NO CLUE what I went in there for. That has never happened to me before and it is frustrating! I feel like I'm getting Alzheimer's disease...no offense to those with actual Alzheimer's...but it really is a frightening thing to lose your memory.

Now, I know that with time things will get better and I will return to a somewhat normal state, but this process has been very interesting to go through and it's also odd to see how much I have changed. But I can honestly say that the changes that are happening within me are what the Lord uses to speak to me and show me what He wants of me. I hope to be a better person one day as a result of going through this. I hope that the Lord can take what I have been through and use it to help someone else.

I can't be THIS open with everyone for the circumstances to not be used by the Lord for something. But whatever the Lord chooses to do with all of this, may HE receive the glory for it. If it helps someone, may God be seen as the orchestrator. I cannot and never will be able to do anything without my Father leading the way and showing me His way. Thank You Abba Father!

Dear Jaybird,

Wow, six months, Babe. I still remember a lot of things as if it were yesterday, but thankfully when I do think of them, I am relieved that you are no longer living your life in agony. Praise the Lord that you were spared from any more of that.

Six months in heaven today, Baby. I try to picture what you could be doing each day, but I know that it pales in comparison to what you really are doing. I can't wait to see you again one day and listen to all of your stories of the glory that you have seen. One day, I will know that glory. What a blessing it is to know that I will be able to experience that with you one day.

I love you so much. I miss you more than anything! I know that you would want me to live my life to its fullest according what the Lord has for me, and I will do that, but I hope you know that I still think of you often and I love you immeasurably. I always will.

See you one day soon, my love.

Eternally Yours,

Jamie

2009...A Year In Review...Through Pictures

2009-12-31T11:03:00.000-08:00

This is my honey on our last fishing trip together earlier this year. He was so excited to get me back on the water. I fished him under the boat that day...he couldn't have been more proud of me. That was a very good day.

On July 12, 2009, my baby went home to be with the Lord. One day I will see my Love again. I cling to that promise. Thank You, Jesus!

In between the time that Jay passed away and my birthday in November, Jay's brother and Sister-in-law gave their lives to the Lord because they wanted to receive the Lord's promise of heaven and so they could know in their hearts that they would see Jay again. And, Jay's Mom and Dad rededicated their lives to the Lord in August as well, and began going to church in Henderson, NV on a regular basis. Praise the Lord!! I don't have pictures of all of this, of course, but they are definitely significant events that happened this year. I am so happy to be so close to Jay's family now. It has been a blessing.

This series below is from my 40th birthday party in November...

Jay's nephew Josh, sister-in-law Irene, and brother Robert...and me.

Gotta love this beautiful homemade German Chocolate cupcake made just for me for my birthday. 40 is an amazing age!!

Jay's Mom and Dad...and me.

This next small series are photos that my friend took of me...I've never had pictures taken of just me. Jay was always there with me. But this is a year of doing a lot of things on my own for the first time. This was a good day for me. I am encouraged that I can still move forward given my circumstances.

These next pictures below were taken on my actual birth date...I met with family before I went to Disneyland to celebrate #40 with my niece and Mickey Mouse.

Me and my Daddy...

Me and my niece Alyissa...funny faces! Gotta do it! LOL

That's my pretty girl, Aly!! Gotta LOVE the Mouse ears!

My step-mom Erin, my beautiful 89 year old Grandma who is my heart...and then there is me.

This one is out of order, but it's from my birthday party and I just adore my niece. She is my precious girl.

There are no photos from Thanksgiving...

But here is Christmas 2009...

Me, my beautiful Grandma again, and my Mom.

This star is the tree topper that Jay picked out last year...you know the story...

My Christmas tree of God's promises to me.

It has been a year filled with many blessings. I have no regrets. God is faithful to bring His plan to fruition. I have seen and felt the Lord in a tangible way this year, and He has shown Himself to be Mighty and wonderful! I cannot believe all that He has done for me. His grace and mercy are overflowing. May this next year bring about glory to my Father in heaven; and may His will and His work be made complete in me. In Jesus name!

Here is to a new year filled with all that God's promises hold for all of us. Open your hearts to receive his gifts! Happy New Year to Everyone!! May God bless you and keep you!!

A Future and A Hope - My BIGGEST Promise From God...

2009-12-27T18:04:00.000-08:00

Well, I made it....[BIG SIGH]...I made it through most of the major "firsts" in my year of firsts after Jay's departure to heaven. I can't help but look forward to the new year because God promises a future for me. Through Jeremiah the prophet, I have been given a promise of a "future and a hope..." Jeremiah 29:11 has been my life verse since I first discovered it about 10 years ago. I didn't know until this year just how much this life verse would speak to me in my circumstances.

God doesn't just promise me a future, but He promises me HOPE in that future through restoration and a new start. Will I see trials again in my new life? YES. There is no doubt in my mind that I will face more trials but as I lean on the Lord for strength He will navigate the way and I will follow until His plan is brought to fruition. My future and my hope come from being in the will of God. This new start brings about the strongest desire to be closer to the Lord, to be in His will, and to serve His purposes. I don't want to make a move unless it is of the Lord.

Do I have specific dreams and hopes for my future? YES. But, I lift those to the Lord to be sure that they are in His will. There are things I would like to experience, places I'd like to go, changes I'd like to make; but if they are not in alignment with God's plan for my life, then I do not want them. It's nice to daydream, but if the Lord doesn't have a use for those daydreams; I will let them go.

As I ring in the new year, I look forward to letting go of much of my pain by surrendering it to my God so that more room can be made for His blessings and healing. I am ready to surrender all of the sadness and pain. I am ready to surrender the loneliness. I am ready to surrender my grief. None of that will just go away by me surrendering them to the Lord once...I will need to continually surrender them as they enter my heart. That is the only way to receive more of God's blessings and healing.

I am ready to begin looking forward to my life to come. Here is to the year 2010 and what it holds for me.

Happy New Year, Everyone. May the Lord's blessings be abundant in each of your lives.

Lord, thank You for the hope I have for my future. May I never forget what You have brought me through; what Jay and I went through together...those are the circumstances that brought about surrender for BOTH of us. My husband resides with You as a result of those trials; I cannot complain about that one bit. I rejoice! My faith was made even stronger as You showed Yourself so mightily to me in those difficult times. I am grateful for who I have become in You. I pray that this new year, 2010, will bring me closer to You still. I give myself to You. Help me to walk in Your ways. Help me to have Your vision. Help me to have Your heart. Reign in me, Lord. I love You so much. In Jesus' precious name. Amen.

Restoration...The Promise

2009-12-23T10:22:00.000-08:00

I have been told by a lot of people that I am an "inspiration" because of my attitude throughout Jay's illness, his salvation, and then his eventual passing...and now in my new life after all of that. I really don't know what to say to them when they say that, except to say that what they are seeing is not me; it's God.

I can't take any credit for surviving some of the worst days of my life. In my eyes, I should have died because watching someone I love so much be so sick and then die from his disease is so devastating that a person should just perish from the pain. But God...ahhh, don't you just love those two words...BUT GOD makes anything and everything possible. And not just that he makes things possible, He promises full restoration.

You want proof? Read the book of Job in the bible. Job was a man after God's own heart. He had everything - wife, children, stability of life with property, cattle, etc. He was a truly blessed man and gave glory to the Lord at all times. Then, in the blink of an eye, everything but his wife was taken away.

All of Job's trials were sifted through the hands of the Father. God knew what was happening to Job; He allowed it! All of it was a test of Job's faith, to see if he would curse God. And guess what? Through the death of his children, loss of all property, illness, being criticized and judged by his closest friends, and even being ridiculed by his own wife - Job NEVER cursed God. As a matter of fact, he repented! Check out this scripture:

"I have heard of you by hearing of the ear, but now my eye sees you. Therefore I abhor myself, and repent in dust and ashes." Job 42:4-6

WOW! Powerful reminder to remain humble before the Lord and never have a sense of entitlement because we've gone through a trial and come out on the other side.

And then the scripture goes on to say this:

"Now the Lord blessed the latter days of Job more than his beginning..." Job 42:12

Job was restored to an even better life than the one he lived before all of the trials came his way. His disease was healed, his family rebuilt, and he lived a long life...140 years to be exact! And the last scripture in Job says this, "So Job died, old and full of days." Praise the Lord for His love and faithfulness!

The story of Job is proof to me that the Lord is faithful to restore what has been taken away; and not just restore, but give back more than what was originally taken.

I have lost my best friend, and in the coming months there will be some other major changes happening in my life that could be considered more loss...BUT GOD is faithful and I know for a fact that I will be just fine and the Lord will meet every single need even before I ask.

It is difficult to imagine what a fully restored life looks like, but I fully trust that my life will be better than it has ever been because my God promises me in His Word and He is faithful to complete His good work as long as I remain humble before Him and give Him the glory in everything.

It is my hope that we will all be reminded that although some not-so favorable circumstances will come our way, we need to be emptied of ourselves in order to allow God to complete His work in us and through us. God is SO faithful to fill the void to overflowing with His love and blessings.

I am not an inspiration. God within me is my inspiration to do His work and be His vessel. That is what you see. Praise the Lord!

Father, I thank You for Your goodness towards me. YOU are my inspiration to do good. YOU are at the core of me and may that always be so! May I never make a move without You. Thank You for the testing of my faith that produces the fruit that others see. I heard of You with my ear, but now my eye sees YOU. I am nothing without You. I praise Your holy name! Amen.

The REAL Story Behind My Christmas Tree...

2009-12-20T09:24:00.000-08:00

Needless to say, this has been a tough year. And the past five months, especially, have been the hardest I have EVER been through. Coming into the Christmas season I had the mindset that I just wanted to close my eyes and not open them until it was all over. Watching everyone get excited for the season...shopping, eating, and celebrating...I just couldn't get into it.

Having a broken heart and missing Jay so much, I would see everyone being happy and joyful; made me want to come unglued! And why is it that when you are suddenly single, it seems like everyone has someone? Walking through the mall would drive me crazy because all I could see were couples. It was then that I started really losing my focus for the reason why I celebrate Christmas in the first place. I made up my mind at that time to skip decorating altogether and not really celebrate anything and just try to get through to January.

Well, God had other plans for me...

In a staff meeting this month, my pastor gave a message that I will never forget. Pastor Paul spoke of what our attitude should be for what the Lord has done for us in Psalm 103:1-5. Here are the verses:

"Let all that I am praise the Lord; with my whole heart, I will praise his holy name. Let all that I am praise the Lord; may I never forget the good things he does for me. He forgives all my sins and heals all my diseases. He redeems me from death and crowns me with love and tender mercies. He fills my life with good things. My youth is renewed like the eagle's!"

Well THAT'S a shot between the eyes! Or should I say to the heart? Thank YOU Lord!

After receiving the message from Pastor Paul, I felt a bit convicted regarding my attitude and knew that I needed to do something about it right away. The Lord impressed upon my heart that I need to put my Christmas tree up, and that I shouldn't decorate it as I would normally, but that I would print out a bunch of His promises and decorate the tree with them so that I can look at my tree and be reminded that He is with me...He encourages me...He heals me...He renews me...and above all else...He has saved me. THAT is the reason I am to celebrate this season.

So, yesterday I put my tree up. I attached all of the scriptures that I printed out...added a decorator plate with the one word that sums up what the Lord ultimately gives me...'HOPE'...and then I topped the tree with the star that Jay picked out last year for our last Christmas together. What a blessing to be given the insight that it would be our last...it was important that Jay pick out the topper so that I can be reminded of him for every Christmas to come. When I look at it - it reminds me that he is with our Savior, singing joyful praises to our Abba. Thank You Jesus for Your faithfulness!

Praise the Lord God Almighty for sending His Son to be born, to die, and to ascend to the right hand of the Father so that I will have eternal life. YOU are the reason I celebrate Christmas. May I never lose sight of that!

Merry Christmas, Everybody! May the Lord show Himself to each of you in a BIG way this season! My love to you all. God bless you.

In the Lord's Care...

2009-12-16T14:18:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I just need to step back and let some time go by in between writings. It is too easy to get caught up in writing for the reaction of people as opposed to doing it to glorify God.

I write because it helps me to express what it is that I am going through, or how the Lord has ministered to me. I pray that the Lord can use my writings as a way to encourage someone else who may be going through a trial of any magnitude, but my bigger prayer is that I don't just make this about ME. That is why it is good to step away for a time of refreshment.

I can tell you that the one thing that keeps me going...keeps me taking one step in front of the other and persevering...is the Lord's promises. The bible has thousands of promises for us to cling to in our time of need. I hold tight to the promise that my God will take special care of me. Being a widow, a title that I still struggle with, the Lord is faithful to let me know just how special I am to Him and the lengths to which He will go to protect me and care for me. Check out this scripture promise:

"Do not take advantage of a widow or an orphan. If you do and they cry out to me, I will certainly hear their cry. My anger will be aroused, and I will kill you with the sword; your wives will become widows and your children fatherless." Exodus 22:22-24

Wow...that is a powerful scripture promise to me, and warning to anyone else that might do harm to me. Even in my deep sorrow, JOY resides in my heart knowing that I am covered, sheltered and protected by His wings. I praise YOU God!

I can't tell you that I have walked perfectly upright, but even in my struggles with moving forward, the Lord has been faithful to meet me where I am at and help me to take those steps of faith. When I have been unable to pray; Jesus makes it known that HE has interceded on my behalf. When I have not been faithful to get into the Word, my ABBA, has brought scripture to me. He never allows me to be alone. (Deuteronomy 31:6) Thank You Father!

In this season, my Christmas season...I have found it difficult to set my eyes solely on the things from Above and to remember that the ONLY reason I celebrate Christmas at all is because Jesus CHRIST was born. It has been all too easy to look around and focus on the busyness of gathering presents, putting up decorations, and all of the holiday baking that happens...and the TRUE meaning of Christmas is quickly forgotten.

In addition to the madness that is commercial Christmas, I have suffered the loss of my Jay. That makes it very difficult to even grasp the desire to celebrate anything. As a matter of fact, my grief brings about the desire to hide more than anything else.

Sometimes it seems like life would be a lot easier to deal with if I could just go hide somewhere until enough time had passed that I could face everything and everyone with some ease. BUT, where is my lesson in that? If I hid from everything, the Lord would still minister to me where I am at, but how could He really use that situation to show me what He is capable of, as well as speak to others and encourage them that they can make it through their trial too, and not only make it through, but receive true healing in the process? How does hiding glorify God? Bottom line: It DOESN'T!

So, where Thanksgiving was the holiday where I hid myself away almost that entire weekend; my Christmas will be dedicated to Jesus. I am choosing to be seen. I am choosing to allow the Lord to move through me. Speak through me. I may not "feel" like I'm in the Christmas spirit, but what I feel does not matter. The truth of the matter is this...CHRIST was born! And on December 25th, HE is to be praised, thought of, prayed to, and thanked for all that He has done for us and given to us.

Let this be my focus:

"For there is born to you this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord. And this will be the sign to you: You will find a Babe wrapped in swaddling cloths, lying in a manger." And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God and saying: "Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, goodwill toward men!" Luke 2:11-14

It is through the birth, death and resurrection of this Savior that my husband was saved and is spending this Christmas singing praises directly to God, the Father. And although I grieve, I cannot help but have the most beautiful visual of Jay in his perfect heavenly body, singing praises with the choir of angels to the Lord Who SAVES. That is where my focus needs to be! The birth of my Savior brings about HOPE in my heart. Without Jesus, there is NO hope.

Forgive me, Father, for my lack of focus on the real reason why I celebrate Christmas. I turn my eyes and heart to You now and ask that You refresh my soul as You are faithful to do so. Thank YOU for loving me so much that You sent Your son Jesus Christ to be born and to die for me, so that I may be forgiven of my sin and receive eternal life. Thank You for protecting me, guiding me, providing for me, and carrying me through this time in my life. Thank You that I need only to give my grief to You and You are faithful to exchange it for YOUR joy. Thank You for helping me to dream again. Thank You for Your HOPE. I commit my life to You and I commit this Christmas to You. In Jesus' precious name. Amen.

First of the Firsts...BIG Leaps and Baby Steps

2009-11-30T11:39:00.000-08:00

I've been searching for words this past couple of weeks. It seems that if you have a blog, you must have SOMETHING to say, but for me, the words haven't been coming very readily.

I have experienced three "firsts" in the past two weeks and it is all a bit overwhelming. The Lord is faithful to get me through these firsts in my "year of firsts" but honestly, at times it feels as though all I am doing is "getting through." I have endured Jay's birthday (11/15), Thanksgiving (11/26) and then my birthday (11/28)...and it seems to me that a person doesn't normally experience them back to back like that, but I guess for me it's "go BIG or go home." LOL It was like the proverbial ripping off of the band-aid. There was pain and anguish before and during, but once it was over...a measure relief.

Thanksgiving was proving to be a source of anxiety for me in the week leading up to it. I didn't know what I wanted to do. There was a part of me that wanted to share that day with my family, and then there was a greater part of me that just wanted to do my own thing. Well, the "do my own thing" part won out. It might be a bit selfish on my part, but I just wanted to take that day and make it my own. I wanted to spend the time with the Lord and give ALL of my emotions to Him so I could receive a measure of healing. It would be easy to go somewhere and spend the time with loved ones, but that only delays the inevitable. I really needed to be alone with God.

It takes a BIG leap of faith to enter into a holiday by yourself, especially a first holiday without the one you love there...the enemy was certainly waiting to place depression on my heart...I could feel him breathing down my neck, but the Lord was faithful to protect my heart as I read His Word and sought Him. The Word tells me that I am to "Seek first the kingdom of heaven..." So that is what I did.

The "BIG leap of faith" was that I trusted God would make everything all right in my heart. He told me He would never leave me nor forsake me...and true to His Word...He was there for me. But with big leaps of faith come baby steps of obedience on my part. I can go into these things trusting that the Lord will pull me through, but unless I do as He has called me to do...pray, read His word, and give my minute-by-minute life to Him - my healing and growth will only get me so far. This is the process that He has called me to go through.

So, with big leaps and baby steps I made it through. Praise the Lord.

Delete vs. Save...

2009-11-18T12:31:00.002-08:00

I spent the better part of this morning standing in line, and then sitting in line at the DMV with Jay's Dad. He has Jay's truck, and we needed to get it transferred into his name as the new owner.

The longer I sat, the longer I had time to think...not always a good thing. I have had to remove Jay from my car insurance, remove him from life insurance, medical/dental insurance, credit, bank, etc. Now I am removing his name from his truck, and although it is exactly what he specified that he wanted in his last will and testament, I am still having a bit of a struggle with it. I almost feel like I am removing or "deleting" him from my life now. It is just a very strange feeling. It feels like no one, outside of friends and family of course, will even know that he existed.

It is just a very strange place to be right now.

But, God is in control, and He is faithful to meet me in my emotion of this moment and I give it to Him and keep moving forward. I know that my Jay's life was not in vain, and I KNOW that he not only existed, but he LIVED, and I will continue to speak of him and keep his memory alive. Computers may be able to delete him, but I cannot and WILL NOT do the same.

Faith, Faithful, Faithfulness...

2009-11-16T08:41:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was a very tough day for me. It surprised me at how deep I was feeling the loss of Jay because it was his birthday and he wasn't here to celebrate it with me. I cried probably more than I have cried to this date. I believe that it is the Lord allowing the anesthetic to wear off a little bit more. I can feel it so intensely now.

I kept myself busy all day with planning my birthday party (which is this Friday), choir rehearsal, and then a special church service with Steven Curtis Chapman. The Lord was so faithful to show Himself to me all day long through His people who showered me with my Father's love. There is nothing like being in the center of the Lord's love. There really is special favor for widows, just as it is written in the Word of God.

And "faithful" was the word that kept getting whispered to my heart all day long. The Lord kept saying, "Watch and see how faithful I am to you, Jamie." Every moment that I was having a big struggle, He would send someone my way with a word, a hug; people just ready to encourage me to push beyond that moment.

And at the concert at church, Steven Curtis Chapman shared his testimony of losing his 5 year old daughter, and he spoke of the Lord's faithfulness to meet him where he was at in his grieving process. As he sang a song from his new CD...the song's title..."Faithful"...I began to reflect on the Lord's faithfulness to me throughout my grieving process as well. He has been with me every step of the way; even when I can't see Him or feel Him, I know He is with me. It was wonderful to rest my head on the pillow last night having that assurance from Him spoken straight to my heart.

And then this morning, as I was getting ready for work, I was in my bathroom listening to Steven's CD and that song, Faithful, was playing, and then I heard this loud crash in the kitchen so I went to check it out and I found a plate that I display in my garden window had fallen down...the plate says, "FAITH." Now I don't want to ascribe too much to this like "messages from beyond"; there is probably an explanation for why it fell off of its little rack, but I just found it interesting the word that is written on that plate.

So, I choose to allow that to be a little reminder for me that I have a part to play in this process too. I must hold onto my FAITH that the Lord is ever present, that He loves me beyond measure, and He carries my burdens with me. If I am faithful to give my circumstances to Him in prayer, He is faithful to see me through to the other side...but not just for the sake of getting me through it, but making me a better and stronger Christian so for the next set of trials, whatever they may be...and there WILL BE more trials...I will be able to reflect on this time and know in my heart of hearts that GOD...IS...FAITHFUL.

Father, GREAT is Thy faithfulness. I praise Your Holy name for taking the time to show me who You really are. You are REAL. I feel You. I sense Your nearness. Forgive me for not always crying out to You in my darkness; but thank You for being faithful to shine Your light on that darkness so that I may gain new perspective...YOUR perspective. I praise You for filling me afresh with Your Holy Spirit. I proclaim Your goodness and mercy! In Your precious Son's name. Amen.

Happy Birthday, My Beloved...

2009-11-15T09:15:00.001-08:00

My Beloved,

Happy Birthday my Beautiful Love. Today, you are in Paradise and celebrating with Jesus. I am so grateful to know that. I anxiously wait for the day that I will see you again. I miss you so much my precious baby.

You told me to be happy; to think good thoughts, and while I know I told you that I would do those things...I am trying...but the "happy" part hasn't come yet. There is a joy in knowing that you are with our Savior, but there is a deep sadness in my heart because you are not here with me. I don't want to say that I wish you were here...because that is not so...I would never want to rob you of the glory of God. I am so excited that you get to see Jesus face-to-face everyday...I guess I'm just wishing that you would send me that proverbial post card that says, "Wish you were here..." but one day, that will come. I will wait for that day.

So, on this day, know that I am thinking of you every moment and thanking God that you are still and always will be, my Beloved.

Happy Birthday, Baby. Sending ALL of my love your way.

Your Sunshine

Raw and Random Emotions...

2009-11-13T10:59:00.000-08:00

Wow...if you ever want to know just how alive you are, go through the grieving process. I thought I was on a roller coaster when Jay was still with me! I'm finding that those days were just the practice run...the REAL roller coaster ride starts now.

I've read tons of books on the grieving process...which actually does begin before your loved one dies...but there is absolutely nothing that can prepare you for what you will go through when they are gone.

I've felt every emotion, every single day and let's just say that it is an education on how to function everyday. Sometimes you have alcoholics and drug addicts who can "function" from day to day even though they are modified to a certain degree. Well, I'd like to add that there are "functioning grievers" around us as well, who are modified by the multitude of emotions that reside within them.

Yesterday I mentioned a "mud puddle of emotion" and I think I even surprised myself with that description because I thought about it for the rest of the day. I called it a mud puddle because the emotions of grieving are sticky, raw and dirty and truly soak your mind and cloud your good judgement. How appropriate for how I feel most of the time these days.

It's so easy to get caught up in the emotions and let reality slip away. Emotions really are normal, as all of the literature says, and that is so comforting to know. God gave us our emotions. BUT the enemy - in his cunning little way - uses those emotions to weasel his way in and lie to those of us who are vulnerable.

I have found that the real truth in my emotions is this; I trust the Lord to lead me through this, but if I don't continually surrender my emotions to HIM; I leave myself laid wide open for the enemy's tactics to bring me down completely.

Let's just say that I lived through that last night. I left myself vulnerable when I knew that I was emotional about yesterday being the 4th month since Jay passed away, and I didn't surrender those emotions to God and I just let it flow, and sure enough - Satan was waiting to come in with his lies. I allowed the enemy to shout his lies in my ear and there was a point at which I just fell for it and grabbed onto those lies in my anger for the situation. I took that anger out on someone I love very much...which is totally out of character for me, but unfortunately is starting to happen more often these days.

Not good...and certainly NOT pretty.

But praise the Lord that HE was able to eventually break through the wall of my emotional meltdown and penetrate my heart with HIS truth. I felt the sting of conviction that I was not doing what I was supposed to be doing as a believer in God, MY Father, and that is that I am to be broken before Him. Satan doesn't pick up the pieces! Satan shatters my existence...but GOD alone is the One that not only picks up the pieces, but supernaturally puts me back together and makes me even better than before!

While the promises of God were getting whispered to my heart, Satan was shouting his lies in my ear so my attention was drawn away from Him for a time. But praise God that He loves me enough to continue to seek my attention in love and not condemnation. I did eventually get to the point of surrender and began to hand each emotion over to Him so I could receive my healing for that moment.

I have to remind myself everyday that I am a child of God and everything that I am and everything that I have is HIS...that includes my emotions. I cannot do this on my own. It is only through the love of Christ that I will survive the pain and heartache of missing Jay.

NOTE TO SELF: Never think that it is ever okay to do this on your own, or that you've got it handled. Bottom line...you can't and you don't. Let go and let God.

Four Months...

2009-11-12T08:22:00.000-08:00

Wow, hard to believe that it has been four months. It seems like just yesterday Jay went to heaven...and here I am four months later, still being surprised that he is gone. There are just times when I have to really look around and make it real for myself. I knew it was coming for a while before he died, but I guess the shock is still wearing off and I'm still coming to the realization that he is gone...for now.

The confusion from the mud puddle of emotions is overwhelming at times. And everything that my mind and body are going through is apparently normal. Normal...what is that anyway? I don't even know what normal is anymore. A term that I once found comforting is now beginning t0 grate on me. I feel sad...oh that's normal. I feel angry...oh that's normal. I can't eat...that's normal. I can't sleep...normal. I'm beginning to find it comical because, what if I dyed my hair hot pink, got a nose ring and a tattoo and began hanging out in bars...NORMAL??? It seems like there is carte blanche with grief, and suddenly everything is acceptable. LOL

I don't know what normal is anymore, but I am discovering that the Lord is not interested in making my life normal. He is interested in taking the "normal" ordinary circumstances of my life and using them for His extraordinary purposes. Do I know what His plan is?? NO. But am I willing to endure a pain that NO ONE should survive to serve my Almighty God? Absolutely! God alone has suffered the ultimate pain for ME so why wouldn't I be willing to allow my pain to be used for His purposes. He is the God of all Comfort, so I rest in the knowledge that even through this pain, He is with me. He is healing me. He is loving me. He is carrying me.

I cling to His promises that are all throughout the bible. I cling to the promise that I will be reunited with Jay one day and that everything that the Lord promises us in the bible will be right before my very eyes as evidence that He was telling me the truth all along.

I've been listening to Steven Curtis Chapman's new cd Beauty Will Rise this whole week and there is one song in particular that really touches my heart to the core. He wrote the songs on this cd after losing his little daughter last year to a tragic accident. These are the lyrics that sing straight to my heart.

SEE
by Steven Curtis Chapman

Right now all I can taste are bitter tears,
and right now all I can SEE are clouds of sorrow,

From the other side of all this pain,
is that you I hear? Laughing loud and calling out to me? Saying SEE,
it's everything you said that it would be,
and even better than you would believe,
and I'm counting down the days until you're here with me,
and finally you'll SEE,

But right now all I can say is,
"Lord, how long?" before you come and take away this aching,
this night of weeping seems to have no end,
but when the morning light breaks through,
we'll open up our eyes and we will SEE,
it's everything HE said that it would be,
and even better than we would believe,
and HE's counting down the days 'til He says,
"Come with me" and finally...He'll wipe every tear from our eyes,
and make everything new,
just like HE promised,
wait and SEE,
just wait and SEE,
wait and SEE,

And I'm counting down the days 'til HE says,
"Come with Me" and finally we'll SEE,
wait and SEE,
Oh taste and SEE that the Lord is good,
the Lord is good,
the Lord is good,
Oh taste and SEE that the Lord is good,
The Lord is good.

Amen. The Lord is good. I praise His Holy name!

Thank You, Lord, for Your goodness, Your grace, Your mercy, Your faithfulness, Your LOVE. Father, only You can heal the deepest of wounds. I trust You for Your healing touch on my heart. Some days it doesn't seem as painful, and that is your grace and mercy washing over me. Some days feel all too painful, almost as though I cannot survive, but You are also faithful to meet me on those days with a special dose of Your love and comfort. Thank You for carrying my burdens for me. Thank You for loving me so much. Please fill my heart today. Refresh my spirit. And, Abba, kiss my baby for me. I miss him so much. In Jesus precious name. Amen.

Reminders, Reminders, Reminders...

2009-11-11T10:08:00.000-08:00

Everything is a reminder right now. Everything makes me think of Jay, but not exactly in a way I want to remember him. For instance, tomorrow is the four month anniversary of Jay's passing. The 12th of every single month is an anniversary for me. I am trying to think of it as "the day my husband went to heaven" and not just the day I watched my husband take his last breath here. It's difficult to change my thinking sometimes though because I miss him so much.

I gauge time by the date of his death too. It's the strangest thing. The mere mention of a date and I immediately think of whether that date was before or after Jay dying. And even before that, I used to think about things as before or after his cancer diagnosis. B.C. didn't only stand for "Before Christ" for me, it was "Before Cancer." Now it's "Before Death" or "After Death."

I'm sure someday all of that will change, but for now...it is a momentarily, hourly, daily, weekly, monthly reminder to me of just how much I miss him.

Faithful Promises...

2009-11-08T11:48:00.000-08:00

How faithful are the promises of God? Well, let me tell you...

I woke up at 2 o'clock this morning after having had the very first WONDERFUL dream about my husband. He was in his whole body...no scars or other modifications from surgery...just my beautiful man. It was such a beautiful reminder to me that my God is so faithful to heal my broken heart and heal the memories of what I watched cancer do to my beloved's body. I was able to see Jay complete and whole; the creation that God had made.

As soon as I woke up from this dream, (I was so overjoyed at the sight of my husband that it woke me right up out of my sleep) I noticed that the little light on my cell phone was blinking, indicating that I had an email or text message or something. When I turned my phone on, I saw that I had an email. It was from my childhood friend and Sister in the Lord, Christine, who blessed me with this scripture! "He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." Revelation 21:4 OH...MY...GOSH! Thank you Lord!!

What a glorious reminder that God is with me, and that one day, I will see Jay just like I saw him in my dream...only it will be for real then. What a treasured gift...I call those "kisses" from the Lord. As soon as I realized that I woke myself up from the dream, I tried to go back to sleep and continue the dream because sometimes I can do that...but to no avail. The gift was just a momentary glimpse into my future with my honey.

Praise the Lord for His assurance that I really am going to survive this. Praise the Lord for His healing of my heart. Praise the Lord for the promise of a new life.

When the Lord promises you something...HE WILL DELIVER! Hallelujah!

Just Keep Swimming...

2009-10-26T15:45:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I feel like Dory, the quirky little fish in "Finding Nemo." When she frantically asked what to do when things got to be too much for her, she was told, "Just keep swimming." So, with all enthusiasm, she kept reminding herself to "Just keep swimming...just keep swimming...just keep swimming." And she even turned it into a catchy little tune that I now sing to myself every single day.

The emotions that flood my heart are sometimes too much for me and I have to remind myself to just keep swimming. Because if you keep moving forward in some capacity the pain, the sadness, the depression can be felt, but can't overtake your life. This is my way of facing my grief...wade through it all, but somehow manage to just keep swimming.

This past weekend, Jay's family came over and we all took the time to go through 20 years of memories that were housed in my garage. I wanted to give everyone a chance to grab some memories before I go through and get rid of stuff either through garage sale, ebay, or give away. It is very soon after Jay's passing...this I know...but it's time to downsize before I move, and I have as much time as I need to go through stuff and figure out what to keep and what to do away with and I don't feel rushed into making bad decisions. I can take my time and sift through things for as long as it takes for me to feel as though I made the right decisions for me. It felt organized and methodical and I was at peace with it.

I did pretty well, I think. I wasn't a total basket case for having relived 20 years of my relationship with Jay. I only really lost it when I found my bridal veil. That was difficult. But the Lord was faithful, and I was surrounded by family. We all took turns breaking down and shedding some tears. All of us miss him so much.

I couldn't believe all of the stuff that we had accumulated over the years. And for all of the grief that he had given me over the years for all of my shoes when he had WAY more fishing stuff; I just laughed and thought to myself that if he were here, he would be in big trouble. LOL

We had piles and piles of stuff all over the driveway and front lawn. People thought we were having a yard sale. LOL But we managed to each keep what we were emotionally attached to and for everything else, we either threw it away or placed on a shelf for sale or giveaway at another time.

After a long 2 days and everyone was gone, I took some time to reflect on the weekend and allow myself to really feel the grief of my situation. I felt in my heart that I need to move towards letting go of the hopes, dreams, and plans of the life I had with Jay, and start moving towards the new dreams, hopes and plans that the Lord has for me. After all, if I can't let go of this life, I can't receive the beautiful gift of the brand new life that the Lord wants to give to me. I am willing to let it go, but in due time. I'm in no hurry. While I don't like the pain I feel everyday, I try to remember that in the Lord's time my heart will be healed enough and I will be able to completely release this broken life so I can live a new restored life. I praise the Lord for His love for me.

So for now...just keep swimming...just keep swimming...

A "Single" Moment...

2009-10-22T08:38:00.001-07:00

I am trying really hard to embrace this thing called "being single" but, for some reason, when I get in the grocery store, suddenly my singleness is never more evident! LOL I used to watch people as they would purchase their groceries and I could tell immediately if they were single or not.

1 melon, 1 half gallon of milk, sliced cheese, sliced meat, and half a gallon of ice cream = SINGLE!

Well, here I was, shopping for miscellaneous food items the other day...getting things I think I will be hungry for later on. Walking down the frozen food section...picking up a few things...stopping just short of the Hot Pockets because that, to me, is just a truly pathetic sign that I am single and I just can't go there! LOL So I pick up a couple of single serving pizzas instead. (like that makes a difference) So here is my grocery cart:

1 half gallon of milk, 1 package of grated cheese, 2 single pizzas = SINGLE

Nothing like still feeling married but having the reality of being single slap you in the face! And as I walk down the frozen food aisle, I see an older woman probably in her 80s all alone walking with her walker that has a cute little basket that she is stuffing full of frozen dinners, and I think to myself, "Lord, please don't let that be me." And as I'm lifting that quick little prayer to the Lord, I turn to the vegetable aisle and an adorable old couple, probably in their 80s, picking out vegetables and the cute old man does all the work for his wife by putting the veggies in the bag and putting them in the cart. Witnessing this mutual kindness between them, I quickly lift another prayer to the Lord...one of my heart's desire, "Lord, THAT is what I want!"

While I can't imagine being married to anyone else but my husband right now, I believe in the institution of marriage and I long to have another companion if or when the Lord sees fit. Hopefully it would be a life long relationship so that when I am 80 years old someone will look at me and my future spouse and think, "what a blessing."

But for now, I have to accept my singleness and more importantly, remember that I am now married to Jesus. I couldn't ask for a better spouse than Him.

Face Time...

2009-10-20T08:39:00.000-07:00

I miss "Face Time." That's what I used to call it when I would spend time just looking at Jay's face and in his eyes. I miss staring at him for hours and studying every feature on his face. I got to the point where I knew his face so well that I could tell when he was in pain or sad just by the way he wrinkled his eye brows. He didn't have to say anything at all. He would just move his face in a certain way and I knew...

A number of years ago it wasn't that way for us. Before Jay got sick, we got into the habit of not even looking at each other. Not because we didn't love each other, but because we just took our time together for granted. We would have conversations around each other, but not really talk TO each other or LOOK at each other when we would be speaking.

Have you ever done that?...get so busy in your daily lives that you manage to just exist around your loved ones and not invest a whole lot of "face time?" If you find yourself saying that you don't know what your loved one's face looks like when they are truly happy, sad, angry, hurting, content...can I just tell you this...take the time now. Invest in "face time" because it is a treasured gift.

I can close my eyes right now and envision every single emotion on Jay's face and how I knew exactly what to do without him saying a word. I can remember how we cherished studying each other in our quiet time together so we could get to know each other on the most intimate level.

Face time is priceless...

Cleaning and Healing...

2009-10-17T16:01:00.000-07:00

Well, today (with the help of my best friend) I cleaned out the closet in "our" bedroom. I didn't really want to do it, but I think I needed to do it. It was tough. I kept smelling the clothes to see if I could catch a scent of my honey, but the clothes were clean and they just smelled like detergent. I think I was just trying to grab on to a memory. I miss him so much.

My closet is now clean in MY bedroom and I love it and hate it at the same time. 'Nuff said...

Timing Is Everything...

2009-10-16T15:25:00.000-07:00

As I journey from grief to healing and everything in between, I find myself getting in the Lord's way all the time. It is a constant surrender to the Lord's plan for my life and a constant stepping back in alignment with His will for me.

There are so many things happening that as I try to wrap my head around it; I begin to take steps that are out of His timing and further away from His plan. I won't be staying in my house very much longer, but I don't need to move out until around the first of the year...but I find myself apartment/condo hunting "just to see what's out there"...but the Lord keeps pulling me back to where I am at.

There are things that need to be done at my house now that will prepare me for the first of the year when it is really time to consider moving. I still need to go through the house and make sure to give the things that Jay wanted to go to certain people to those people. I need to decide what I will be keeping/selling/giving away so I can downsize to an apartment or condo without exploding at the seams from the time I move in. I need to go through the emotions of boxing up our stock of old photos, and folding up his clothes and storing them. I'm not ready to get rid of his clothes yet.

There are good and bad emotions that need to be dealt with in this home, so that I can heal from them and continue to move forward in my new life. In order for me to heal correctly and be a whole person when I reach the other side of this trial, I must allow myself to feel the pain and emotion. I will only be able to gauge my progression of healing by basing it on the pain and whether it is decreasing. Either way, I have to feel it to tell how I am doing.

So this weekend is the beginning of allowing the true pain to come in so I can receive the Lord's healing as I confront all of the emotions that come with it. Praise the Lord for His healing, His time, His plan, His will for my life!

Anniversary of a Different Sort...

2009-10-12T09:21:00.000-07:00

Today marks the three month anniversary of my husband's passing. It is very strange to me that I can be going along "moving forward" and the realization of a date can pull me back into "stand still" mode.

Three months ago today, more specifically at 11:45 am, my honey passed into his eternity. What a weird feeling to know that three months have gone by already, and yet it seems like a long time ago too. *sigh*

This is a different kind of anniversary for me...I'm ready for the first year to be over with already. Just rip the huge band-aid off already!

I miss Jay terribly...but still grateful for where he is at now. No more pain or suffering for him...it's just my turn now. All the while, I receive my comfort from a Lord who loves me beyond measure today, and always. Praise the Lord.

Surprises...

2009-10-08T19:16:00.000-07:00

Today was a very up and down day emotionally. Early on today I found myself being very focused (something that seems to evade me most of the time now) and my productivity level skyrocketed...until after lunch.

I've been rearranging my desk at work and trying to get the "flow" of my desk to better serve me in my work day. As I was cleaning out a drawer, I found what I thought were a stack of blank cards for me to give out to people on special occasions...nope...this is what I found on top of the stack...

Seeing this card again knocked the wind out of me. GOSH, it made me miss him more...but I am so blessed to have found it...just a reminder of how much we really loved each other. Of course I cried and broke down for a moment, but the Lord is faithful to give me strength not to be devastated when I find special things like this, and instead, rejoice that my husband and I WILL see each other again in our eternity.

When I read what he wrote in the card, I thought to myself that I may have been his "ray of light" but as I think about where he is at right this moment; he is experiencing the greatest Light of all...our Lord and Savior. There is no greater blessing than to know that my Jay is filled with peace, light and a love overflowing. Praise the Lord.

My heart is happy...

New Seasons...

2009-10-06T08:49:00.000-07:00

Well, the weather is FINALLY starting to cool down here in California. I'm sure in other parts of the country people would think I'm crazy to think that 68 degrees is cold, but when you're used to 80-100 degree weather...it's not just cold - it's STINKIN' cold! LOL

All that to say, the season is changing; not just in temperature either. The season of my life is changing too. I'm starting to become used to living alone and pressing on in my life without my husband. That's not to say that I don't miss him...on the contrary...I miss him tremendously. But my tendency to think about him every minute of the day is beginning to taper off and I have pockets of time during the day when I can concentrate on something other than missing my sweet husband.

When I first realized that I had some periods of time when I didn't think about him being gone; I got scared. I thought that I was a terrible person because it has only been a few months since he passed away and I should still be constantly thinking about him and missing him. But then I realized that this was the Lord's healing upon my heart that I have been praying for. Am I completely healed? NO WAY! But, honestly, I believe that I can feel the Lord gently sewing together the seam to my torn heart.

My pastor, Greg Laurie, said this past Sunday in his series on "Why Does God Allow Suffering?," "Your loved one isn't "gone." They are only "gone for now." It's just a reminder to me that I will be reunited with Jay one day. I will just have to be patient and live my life as the Lord wants me to until that day comes. The idea of being reunited with Jay in heaven isn't anything new to me, but hearing my pastor say it that way just helped it to sink down into my heart and house itself as a promise from the Lord in the walls of my healing heart.

This new season of my life is still very sad, but as I hold onto what the Lord promises me, I am able to slowly begin to LIVE again.

Thank You, Abba Father, for Your faithfulness to begin healing my heart. I hold onto You and Your promises for my life. Thank You that You have a plan for my life as Your word tells me in Jeremiah 29:11. I desire to begin living my life, not just as a widow, but as Your disciple. Thank You for placing dreams and visions in my heart again. Help me to walk in Your ways, Lord. I love You. Amen.

His Laughter...

2009-09-25T08:17:00.000-07:00

My house is so quiet now. It was never a super noisy place, but if it's possible for a quiet place to become completely silent; that's my house. Jay was home for a long time as he went through his treatments. I think in the three + years that he was sick, he might have worked a total of four months, so he was home all the time. The TV was always on...24 hours a day...there was some sort of noise in the house. Before he got too sick to get out of bed, Jay could be found at all hours playing video games, cooking in the kitchen, playing with the dogs or just sitting and watching TV. Now that he is gone, none of that is happening and the house is just deafeningly quiet.

I was thinking last night and this morning about how much I miss his laughter. He used to watch these stupid TV shows on the BBC (sorry, I don't get that humor...or is it humour? LOL) and he would laugh so loud that I could hear it from a mile away. I used to just sit in the other room and listen to him gaphaw and roar to whatever was being said. I loved to hear him laugh. In a time when he was so sick from the meds that caused nausea and in pain because the tumor was growing; he could still be heard laughing as if nothing bothered him. That can only be a gift from God. I treasured those times.

I received a "gift" this morning...I closed my eyes and allowed my memories to take me to a place where I could hear Jay's laughter again. With my eyes closed, I could envision him sitting in the living room relaxing in front of the TV. He usually had some sort of snack in hand, so I could smell whatever it was that he made. I love it when the Lord gives me the gift of being able to get submerged in the moment and He washes me over with the love in the memory of that moment. But it is always only for a brief moment that I am able to do that because I know that the Lord doesn't want me to get lost in the abyss that is the past, but rather, He wants me to cling to Him and His plans for my future. Eyes opened...back to reality. Quiet.

He lightened my heart this morning, if only for a moment. I am grateful for that. I am grateful that my honey is with my God that is so loving and caring and faithful. I close my eyes again...Jay is in heaven, being loved beyond measure; beyond anything I could ever have given him. He is filled with joy. There is no greater gift. Thank You, Jesus.

My Tears...

2009-09-24T15:52:00.000-07:00

Well, here it is...I've hit that stage where all you can do is cry. Everything reminds me of my beloved and I miss him SO much that it makes me physically ache all over. I feel a constant heaviness in my heart and feel as though I am carrying 100 extra pounds of weight everyday; all day long.

You talk about a change! I wasn't sure if I would get to this point. As a matter of fact, just about 4 weeks ago, I asked another friend of mine (who happens to be a recent widow as well) if it was weird that I feel okay and don't cry much. She said, "Oh, you will. Don't worry." And sure enough...here I am. My pillows are soaked every night with tears. I cry out of nowhere now. The tears just come...I don't even have to be thinking about Jay at all and the tears just flow like a river.

On Sunday, all I did was cry. I didn't even go to church because I didn't want to just sit there and cry the whole time and draw attention to myself. I received a couple of calls from my best friend checking up on me. We were scheduled to go for a pedicure and I tried to cancel because I knew that I wouldn't be able to suck it up so I wouldn't look like a complete dork sitting in the chair crying, but true to my beautiful Karen's style - she wouldn't take 'no' for an answer. She is always looking out for me. She knew that if I sat at home, all I would do is sink further into a depression and that wouldn't serve any purpose in my healing process.

So off to the salon I went...and sure enough, in the middle of me getting my feet overhauled, I cried like a baby. I had to cover my face so people couldn't see my "ugly cry." You know, the cry where you scrunch up your entire face and look really scary?! LOL Anyway, the tears were free flowing. It stopped after a little bit, but I had to just let them flow.

Each day since then has been the same thing. Tears just flow when they want to. But, with much prayer and crying out to the Lord for His comfort, I was reminded of the scripture in the bible, Psalm 56, about how the Lord keeps our tears in a bottle. Meaning that He takes all of our sorrows that we give to Him in prayer and He holds them in a bottle. He cares for me and loves me so much that He takes every tear that I cry and keeps it safe in a bottle. What an amazing and loving God I serve. I never cry the same tears twice. Each one serves a purpose, and that is to heal my heart as I turn to Him and give Him my hurts. Psalm 126:5 says, "Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy." My joy will be made complete one tear at a time.

My happiness comes from God alone. Nothing in this world will ever give me fullness of joy. It is the Spirit of the Lord that fulfills my life. I am a treasure to my Father in heaven and He comforts me in my time of need. I may not always be "happy" according to the world's standards, but I will always have the joy and hope that the Lord gives me each second of the day. The hole in my heart is being healed by the Lord one tear at a time.

Thank You, Father, for keeping my tears safe in Your bottle. No one can do what You have done for me. Thank You for Your Word that comforts me so. Thank You for surrounding me with Your love. I praise Your Holy Name! Amen.

Time Is A Healer...

2009-09-14T14:07:00.000-07:00

I'm praying that time really is a healer as I've been told by many people. Saturday, September 12th was two months since my honey went to heaven. It seems like a lot of time one minute and then the next it feels like it happened yesterday. I don't know how long this process takes...for some it's months and for others it is years. I have no idea which category I happen to fall under but all I can do is pray that with each passing moment the Lord is healing the big hole in my heart.

I keep myself busy enough to pass time, but I still feel the sense of loyalty to keep my husband's memory alive by thinking about him, talking about him, and just reminiscing about our years together. There is a part of me that says, "Just keep moving forward." Then there is the other part of me that says, "Do anything you can to remember him." I know that if Jay were able to communicate with me, he'd say, "Don't worry about me. I'm okay and I will see you again." He would never want me to sit around and grieve for him. But anyone that knows what the grief process is like; you understand that this is just what your body and mind have to go through.

The best thing about this process is that I can share Jay's journey of rediscovering and rededicating his life to the Lord. I can also say that the second best part of this process is that I don't have any regrets of how I cared for and loved my husband. I was his primary caretaker; partner; teammate; and I journeyed with him through his life with cancer and we always had an agreement to do whatever we could humanly do to try to beat that disease. The Lord led me to my church for employment and the provisions came one after the other from there and I was able to care for Jay with everything I had. That allowed me to be able to live without regret now in my grief. That is a God thing. Praise the Lord for His unending provision.

So I continue to pray for the Lord's guidance through this process...two months have passed and I miss my honey like crazy, but I know where he is at and I will continue to push forward; always keeping him in my heart and mind.

I don't suppose there is a "www." address that reaches heaven? *sigh*

Honey, I miss you. I pray that you are better than I imagine you to be at this moment. I know that the Lord is taking good care of you. He promised me that He would. I look forward to seeing you again someday, Baby. Until then, I walk this road knowing that you are supporting me and cheering for me from on High. I love you, my Precious Love.

2009-09-11T08:52:00.000-07:00

I remember...

I remember....

I remember......

I remember the surrender that came after the tragedy of 9/11. I remember that the churches were filled to capacity; and even overflowing, with people trying to understand and simply GET RIGHT with our Father in heaven. We were a powerful nation; we were a PRAYERFUL nation; getting back to the TRUTH on which this nation was founded. We drew close to the Lord and lived HIS ways and lived for HIS purposes.

I remember the spirit of a truly UNITED nation. It was a time when people turned to one another and actually looked in their eyes...recognizing their humanity. People were HUMANE to one another. We all had Brotherly/Sisterly love.

I remember, and memorialize the people who lost their lives on September 11, 2001. May their families receive the Lord's peace and comfort on this day and every day.

I challenge everyone at this very moment...remember the tragedy on this anniversary, but also remember how strong our nation IS when we all draw close to the God Who created us and lets get back to living our lives boldly for Christ as we did back then and allow the Lord's love to overflow from our hearts making us a UNITED nation once again. GOD BLESS AMERICA!

I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America,
and to the repuplic for which it stands;
ONE NATION UNDER GOD;
indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.

My Little Home Makeover...

2009-09-06T09:55:00.001-07:00

This entry will be brief. The pictures are all out of order, but you will be able to see what I did. I just wanted to share...

Blessings to all this Labor Day weekend.

Changes...

2009-09-05T12:42:00.001-07:00

"They" say not to make any changes within the first year after your spouse dies. Well...for me, something needs to change. I need to feel more at home in my home. It has been a long time since I felt that I could LIVE in my house...and I certainly have not felt at home since Jay died...so I have decided to paint my bathroom and bedroom to add a little bit of "life" to my life. Obviously painting is not going to take my grief away, but I have this need to feel a bit more settled in my day to day living. I have no clue if this is even really going to help me at all, but I'm going to give it a try. It's worth the effort.

If you ask me, the biggest CHANGE in my life has already happened so making a few cosmetic changes in my house are not going to have any significant detrimental impact on my life. If anything, I'm hoping it will help me to feel a little more like I actually belong in my house. Having Jay here was what always made this house feel like a home and now that he is gone; I feel like a foreigner in this house that we purchased together.

So, here is to making small changes. They don't fix everything; they may not fix anything; but for right now, it is making me happy. I'll take that.

"Me" vs. "We"

2009-09-03T15:12:00.000-07:00

Everyday it seems that there is some new discovery on my part of what is an emotional trigger for me...I'm sure that it is totally normal...everything is "normal" when it comes to grieving the loss of a loved one, so I'm told. Absolutely nothing FEELS normal, but I guess that's normal too! LOL

Today, I discovered that it makes me a little bit sick to my stomach when I mistakenly say, "We" this or "We" that. I was talking to someone about making over a couple of rooms in the house and I said, "We are changing some things..." We?? No...I am making some changes. It's still a shock to my system to know that I am no longer a "we". WOW...it's just me now.

It is a very strange feeling to now be living as a single woman when all I've known for half of my lifetime is being my husband's partner. What on earth do you do when half of you has been cut away?? Everything just feels so very foreign.

Amputees suffer from what is called, "phantom pain" when they have some part of their body cut off and they imagine in their head that they still have that limb or extremity. Dare I say that what I'm going through is...similar? If I may be so bold...YES! Where there once was someone at my side for 20 years, now there is nothing, but I still feel like I can look at my side and Jay will be standing right there holding my hand. Phantom pain! When I lay in bed at night and only sleep on my side and I let my foot wander over to the "other side"...his side; I still think that I will be able to feel him there. Phantom pain!! I still look at my watch at 10:00 and 2:00 while I'm at work because those were the times that I would call Jay every single day and remind him to take his medicine. Phantom pain!

I am no longer a "we." I am just "me" now.

Phantom pain...

Memories...A Continual Slide Show

2009-09-02T15:14:00.000-07:00

It has only been six weeks since Jay passed away so memories are flooding my mind and heart as an internal slide show. Someone will say something that reminds me of him or something he once did and a picture of that moment will enter my mind. Sometimes it is comforting to me...sometimes it is just added torture to the gut-wrenching mourning that I'm already experiencing.

Today's "slide show" of memories were of him getting his staples out at City of Hope last year after what we believed would be the surgery to cure him (if only...)...and then the other picture that pops into my head nearly everyday is of his last moments with me. I think that one won't go away for a while.

I actually still have nightmares that he died that Sunday morning when no one was around or paying attention. I know for a fact that I was there with him, lying in his hospital bed cuddled in the crook of his arm and neck, stroking his hair and face and telling him that I love him and that it's okay for him to go be with the Lord, and yet, I still have nightmares that he died when I wasn't looking. I was so fearful of that for months before he passed away. I guess it is just my mind's way of processing those fears...or the enemy's way of trying to convince me that I didn't do enough for him. But my God is bigger than the efforts of the enemy, so when I do have those nightmares I just hand them, and the feelings that come with them, over to the Lord.

One memory that I'm having right this minute (just because I'm consciously thinking about Jay's last days) was one of my best friend Karen leaning over the hospital bed singing to him...so softly and sweetly...singing in his ear. I don't have a clue what she was singing because there were many people around but I just know the peace that I witnessed in him as she sang to him. He wasn't too responsive that day, but I know he was in there and he was listening. That memory is one of the sweetest that I carry in my heart of that weekend. It was a precious and treasured moment for Karen too, I'm sure.

I know that the days of me soaking my pillow with my tears at night are not over, but I am thankful for the days that I can receive the Lord's peace and enjoy the memories that flood my heart. And for the days that the memories feel like arrows piercing my heart; the Lord is faithful to heal my wounds and I will receive his healing one day.

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." Psalm 147:33

Thank You, Lord, for saving me when I feel faint of heart. Thank You for Your continued healing touch. Help me to keep moving forward. Amen.

My Beloved Jay, I miss you so much. It hurts more than I ever could've imagined. I will see you again one day, Honey. I long for that day. I love you endlessly; eternally.

Running In Place

2009-09-01T11:10:00.000-07:00

"I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." Philippians 3:14 NKJV

A whole new chapter has begun in my life. On July 12, 2009 at 11:45 am, just six weeks ago, my husband...my beloved Jay...passed away from this life and became a citizen of heaven. I was there, in his arms, when he took his last breath. That was the moment my life changed forever.

I have spent the past three and a half years caring for this man, my husband, my mate, my best friend...taking him to doctor appointments, treatment appointments, surgery appointments; not to mention all of the time at home caring for him and making sure he took his medications and ate something to go with them...every minute filled with something to do for him...and now what do I do???

I am somewhat lost because I don't know what to do for myself. It's time to take care of myself...that's what everyone says...even all of the grief books out there say that...but how do I do that? Where do I start? I've spent so long making sure that I don't put myself first that I don't have a clue what to do for me. I know what "sounds good" but when it comes down to doing what "sounds good" I don't want to do it. I'd rather just go home and sit. Sometimes I feel like I'm running in place. I want to get away, but every time I begin to make plans to get away, I suddenly feel in my heart that it doesn't feel right and then I stop in my tracks. But I have to press on...

The scripture up at the top, Philippians 3:14, is something that stuck out to me because I must now figure out how to get back to "pressing toward the goal," which is serving the Lord. My husband was my first ministry and now he is gone, so my first ministry is serving the Lord. I have no clue what ministry to start serving in, but I'm sure the Lord will show me in His time. He is still healing the huge hole in my heart left behind by my husband's departure.

Being a widow is a very interesting thing. You really find out how good the Lord is and how he really does have a heart for the widows. His provision is abundant. You also find out very quickly who he doesn't want in your life. Being a widow is one of the most vulnerable states of being that you can be in...and the Lord really goes out of His way to protect those of us who are in that state. He has surrounded me with wonderful people who have stepped up to be of help. Praise God!

This transition into my new life has brought out many emotions, but it all comes down to trusting the Lord to restore my life to its fullest...and beyond. My joy has not been lost, but I definitely feel the deep sadness in my heart. Someone recently told me that the "smile in my heart is gone." Wow...I don't even know what to say to that.

Better days are to come. I will continue to press toward the goal and I know that the Lord will be faithful to meet me each step of the way, and when I can't move...He will carry me. Thank You, Lord.

Looking Forward...

2009-02-06T13:56:00.000-08:00

Hey All,

Here's a quick update on Jay...and then I'm going to talk about something completely different than CANCER.

Jay received his first round of the new chemo and did rather well. He had minimal nausea, but for some reason that day he had a ton of pain. I think we've gotten it under control for now. One minute, one pain pill at a time. Please keep praying for him.

I have decided to take a chance and begin to LOOK FORWARD instead of just living one moment to the next, as I have sort of gotten stuck in that mode while in the role of caretaker for the last 3 years...and not that I am leaving Jay behind and forgetting about what we are experiencing together...BUT...I do have something that I am so excited about and looking forward to and I really want to allow myself to experience the fun anticipation...

In 295 days from today, I will be turning 40!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am looking forward to the age that is a true milestone...at 40, I am a real woman...no one can call me a "Kiddo" (unless they are twice my age)...I can express myself and what I want without the fear of what people may think of me...and I can actually go to my doctor and request a mammogram without someone telling me, "You're too young for that." Life changes at 40...yes, I understand that the physical stuff all changes...gravity takes hold, memory is lost, vision goes down the tubes...blah, blah, blah...I am just in a good place in my life and I am excited about the possibilities. Praise the Lord for possibilities!

I am already beginning to feel the shift in my attitude about myself and what my life means to me. My internal dialog is no longer shouting in my ear, "You're ugly, you're stupid, you're nothing, you have nothing to contribute to this world." Now my internal dialog tells me, "I love you, you're worth something, you make a difference, your heart is beautiful, your legacy is important." That Internal Voice is, of course, the Lord! I have finally grown enough in my faith to allow it to mature me and I have started allowing the Lord's voice to drown out the lies of the enemy. And spiritual maturity has nothing to do with an age group or anything, but I am encouraged by the changes the Lord has made in my heart and the amount of confidence He gives me that I can now look forward to turning 40 years old...because I desire to do it with grace...the Lord's grace.

I desire to make a difference, and I truly believe that the Lord is using me as a vessel to do just that. He is faithful to show me how it is that I am making a difference in people's lives. Please don't get me wrong...I am not boasting about myself...but I AM boasting about how the Lord has transformed my heart to share His love, to see more with His eyes, and to speak more with His words and not my own. He receives all of the glory for the person that I am and the person I will become.

So, MARK YOUR CALENDARS EVERYONE!!! November 28th...please pray that the Lord will show me how He wants me to celebrate my birth...and my rebirth.

Thank you, Father, for creating me and for continuing to love me no matter how much I falter. Shape me, mold me, and use me how you see fit. May you receive the glory! Amen

Exhaustion

2009-01-30T11:30:00.000-08:00

Okay, here is the latest...

Jay had an appointment with his oncologist on Wednesday. We came up with a more comprehensive pain management plan...thank the Lord! We will see if it works. So far, he has still had a ton of pain. Also, we found out that his tumor in the pelvic area has grown to twice its size since August 2008. That means that the chemo drug that he has been on since September is not working. So the doctor changed him to a brand new chemo drug. They have never given it to their patients, it's that new. We will be the guinea pigs. This new drug, Vectibix, has just been put out on the market. We are waiting for it to arrive and then Jay will have chemo next Wednesday. I am a always a bit nervous about a new chemo drug because Jay's body doesn't always react well to them. I am praying that he will be okay and his body will be able to tolerate it. Time will tell with this one.

Jay and I are both extremely exhausted. He is tired of being in pain and not feeling well enough to get out and be active, and I'm tired of this disease robbing him of the ability to get out and live his life! I am drawing strength from the Lord...that is how I am able to work AND take care of Jay. The Lord has been faithful to give me the exact measure that I need to take care of business. But, my body has taken a beating from all of this and it is feeling the need to crash. I can feel it happening. It feels like all of my energy is being sucked out of my body through my big toe. I've lost so much sleep that I am having trouble recuperating. Even when I am able to sleep for several hours straight (which doesn't happen often) it is not enough for me to feel refreshed by it.

These are difficult times, but we are both hanging in there with each other. Jay is still my hero. He is amazing to me.

Love to you all. Pray for us.

A New Year...Same Circumstances

2009-01-15T16:32:00.000-08:00

Hello All,

I am sorry that I haven't posted in a while, but I've been concentrating on spending time with Jay and making the most of our holidays together.

We made it to 2009! Wheeww! The sad thing is that nothing has improved for my beloved. Unfortunately, the results from a scan that we just got this week revealed that Jay's tumor is on the move again. As far as I know, it is the same ol' tumor, but it has grown; thus causing some pretty uncomfortable side effects for Jay. The tumor is putting pressure on the nerves at the base of Jay's spinal cord, which in turn is now causing his right kidney to receive a lot of pressure. We made a trip to the ER just a few weeks ago, but it was only through the scan this week that we could actually see what was going on.

That's the bad news...the GOOD news is that with some changes made in medications and learning how to manage the pain better, Jay has been sleeping fairly well, and is reasonably comfortable now. He has managed to regain some of his "perk." Praise the Lord!

No, we don't really know what all of this means. We are just "riding the wave." This is definitely a journey...it's not a brief walk...it's long, arduous and exhausting, but OH SO revealing of our own character. The Lord lives at the core of me, and HE is the One who sees me through the difficulties...but I also give my honey credit for being such a strong, strong man. I admire his courage...even in his vulnerabilities...he is my hero. I don't know that I could be so strong.

In the meantime, we just keep plugging along. February 1st will be the 3 year anniversary since Jay's cancer was discovered. I never imagined that three years later we would still be in the battle of our lives, but this trial has been sifted through the fingers of my Lord and Savior and HE alone can use this disease that was meant for bad and use it for HIS purpose. No, I am not mad at God...nor is Jay. We both understand that this is what happened, but it's what we do with it that makes the difference. We are choosing to allow this disease to make us better people...with the Lord's help.

I will try to post again soon, but Jay has an appointment January 22nd with a urologist to see about relieving the pressure from Jay's kidney so I have no idea what to expect. Know that I love each of you that keep up with us and pray for the best for us. I thank the Lord for each of you. It is nice to know that I am not alone.

Please continue to pray for Jay's comfort, for wisdom for the doctors, and over all that the Lord would continue to meet us where we are at.

Blessings to all.

Jamie

Late Thanksgiving...Early Christmas

2008-12-14T16:20:00.000-08:00

Hey All,

Things are moving along...Jay has been consistently receiving chemo and has been handling it as well as possible. We hope to get a PET/CT scan in January sometime to review our progress. Jay just finished his last chemo session for a couple of weeks...we go back New Year's Eve...can you say, "Woo...hoo." LOL But seriously, I am so blessed to be ringing in another New Year with my honey. I pray for many more.

Yesterday we celebrated a late Thanksgiving and early Christmas with Jay's entire family. Everyone came to California to celebrate the holidays together. After Dad's bout with pancreatic cancer just a few short months ago and with Jay's ongoing battle, we all figured that we just have too much to be thankful for and that we all need to be together this holiday season. We had a wonderful day together. It was loud and crazy and wonderful all at the same time. Jay was so blessed to have all of his family in one location at the same time. Here are a few pictures for you guys:

Here is the lovely and crazy Hare Family. It takes a lot to get everyone all together like this.

This one was fun and shows the "true" Hare Family. LOL

And then, I couldn't resist including a couple pictures of me and Jay.

Can you tell that I love my guy? LOL

Beautiful memories....

A Blessed Weekend

2008-11-30T17:47:00.000-08:00

Well we got started on the long holiday weekend a little early...on Wednesday...Jay had chemo in the morning and in the last 20 minutes of the session, he began to have back spasms and his complexion turned to a slight shade of gray. Needless to say, it was alarming to me AND Patty (our chemo nurse). Patty immediately shut the machine off and ran saline through the IV to see if that would take care of the reaction. It did...praise the Lord! But Jay is famous for having a reaction to each chemo regimen after a certain number of sessions received. So, I took him home and sat and watched him very closely for 24 hours. I hardly slept because I was afraid he would have a delayed reaction...as that has happened before and landed us in the ER. But praise God nothing further happened. So we made it to Thursday without any complications or illness.

Since Jay had chemo on Wednesday, we decided not to celebrate Thanksgiving until Friday so it allowed us to relax for a day or so and recuperate.

Fast forward to Friday...our "official" Thanksgiving Day and my birthday. I cooked a turkey dinner for the very first time in my whole life. I was so proud that I even took a picture...

It may not look like much, but it was tender and juicy and yummy! The dinner was a hit...praise God that I didn't poison anyone! LOL

As I was preparing dinner, my niece, Aly, was getting some exercise from playing Dance, Dance Revolution on the Wii...

She is so cute! I just adore her.

After all was said and done...I think I washed about five loads of dishes...by HAND because I don't own a dishwasher...can you say, "Dish-pan hands??" LOL

We have spent the past couple of days recovering from all of the action...we don't see much around here...and this is what everyone in the house looks like now...LOL.

It was a wonderful weekend...a blessed birthday and Thanksgiving...I couldn't have asked for anything more. The Lord was faithful to bless the time spent with my family...and brought some restorative time to Jay.

For all of these things...I am thankful.

A Birthday Wish/Prayer...

2008-11-24T16:35:00.001-08:00

Remember when we were little and everything rode on that one wish you got for your birthday when you blew out the candles??

Well, my 39th birthday is on Friday and we will be celebrating Thanksgiving that day because Jay has chemo on Wednesday and it’s the first day he will actually feel like eating any real food…so the birthday goes out the window because I’d rather give thanks to the Lord for this day with my husband, and my family. But, if I could have one wish come true…one more prayer answered…I would ask that cancer be taken away from all who suffer from it, and never let it take up residence in anyone else ever again.

That sounds like a Miss America Pageant response…”I would ask for world peace.” LOL

Seriously though, I have prayed for the Lord to take this cancer from Jay, and I will continue to do so as I wait for an answer from Him…but I will also keep asking the Lord for answers to questions and solutions to the puzzle that is cancer. He is faithful to answer in His time…I will do my best to be faithful to wait.

His answer for now?...“Be still and know that I am God.” (Psalm 46:10)

Father, I pray that this Thanksgiving will be filled with gratitude for all that You have accomplished through me. I want my eyes to stay focused on You. Please help me to do that. I am thankful for the time I have with Jay and I pray that You will make Your presence known on Friday. Help me to make it a special day for him and my family. Help me to set myself aside. This moment, this day; I give it to You. Amen.

A Day Away?

2008-11-22T14:16:00.000-08:00

I've been feeling pretty stressed out lately...well...honestly, I feel stressed out all the time but for some reason this past week I have felt a bit overwhelmed. So, I decided to talk to my boss about taking Friday off. He was very supportive, of course, and gave me the day off. I was excited to have an extra day added to my weekend.

I've been reading this little booklet that I bought about caregivers taking care of themselves...which is somewhat of a foreign concept to me these days. I just keep going and going and going until I drop. I'm close to dropping now...so I contacted a friend of mine who works for a local spa. She offered me a free ticket to the spa a long time ago and I was finally ready to take her up on it. So I set up an appointment to get a massage and a pedicure...I may as well make it a great day while I am there, huh?

It was a beautiful day here in good ol' Southern California yesterday...perfect for a day at the spa. I sat and relaxed by one of the several pools, read a book, got my massage and got a pedicure too. You would think that was a heavenly experience...well...something in me just couldn't relax enough to truly enjoy the day. I kept thinking about my husband and how he doesn't get to take a day off from cancer, so how fair is it for me to enjoy a day away? I just had a difficult time relaxing knowing that Jay was at home and in a lot of pain. I fought with myself all day about it too. I went back and forth between thinking to myself, "Jamie, you've been far too stressed out lately and you need this"...to "Jamie, you need to get home and take care of your husband."

I know that every person that is a caregiver goes through this emotional turmoil, so I try not to be too hard on myself and realize that this is just a normal process...but the roller coaster ride is getting to me now. Have I stopped trusting the Lord? No, not at all...I am just tired...but He is faithful to stay with me even in my weary state...He even carries me at times...when I allow Him to.

So, was it a "day away" from everything? No. It just made me realize how entrenched I truly am in this battle. Scarred, bruised, wounded...alongside my beloved, I fight to the bitter end.

Happy Birthday Jaybird!!

2008-11-16T09:44:00.000-08:00

Here are just a few pictures from his special day:

Okay, so the theme of Jay's birthday this year was "Angels." He absolutely worships the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim...even though they didn't make it to the World Series this year, he has remained a die-hard fan. So, I had an idea a few months ago to talk to some friends of mine to see if they had a contact at Angels Stadium. The idea was to just get something signed by one of the players...maybe a hat or a jersey or something. Well, my friends took that idea and ran with it. They got together and wrote a beautiful letter to their contact at Angels Stadium, letting them know what Jay has been through these past couple of years with his cancer and would it be possible to do something special for him? They totally came through! Jay received an entire duffel bag full of Angels stuff.

My friend Karen helped me to wrap each individual item and put it back in the duffel bag on Friday night. So, Saturday morning, Jay had to work hard at unwrapping each of his gifts. LOL He didn't seem to mind though as he had help from our 7 yr old male Boxer, TJ (Tasmanian Devil Jr.). It was hilarious. Jay would peel off a corner of wrapping paper and then reach the gift out to TJ and he would take the corner into his mouth ever so gently and then ease the paper off one piece at a time. I have not laughed so hard in such a long time. To contrast that, our little weenie dog, Sonny, would just tear into the gift as though there was a huge steak waiting for him underneath it all. This comical show almost became more fun than Jay receiving his gifts...almost, but not quite. (Pictures shown above of the gift wrap mess, TJ running away from me with some gift wrap in his mouth, and Sonny jumping into the Angels duffel bag.) LOL

Jay loved every bit of what was in that duffel bag...two "vintage" Angels hats, a patriotic Angels hat (shown in picture), a Torii Hunter t-shirt, a fleece blanket, and a bunch of other little keepsake goodies that made him smile. But the best gift that brought tears to Jay's eyes was the authentic, AUTOGRAPHED, Garret Anderson baseball bat. "GA," as he is called, is one of Jay's favorite players that has been with the Angels organization for about 17 years or so. Jay was blown away at the fact that he had GA's bat. His reaction was priceless.

After we got all cleaned up, I had Jay and the dogs sit in our front yard so I could take a birthday picture. I love this photo. I think I will frame it. We didn't get to go to the park as planned for picture taking, but I thought this was a nice compromise.

As for the rest of the day, we went to the movies and saw the new James Bond movie, "Quantum Solace." We then followed that up with a nice dinner and then dessert and more gifts at my friend Karen's house. She had made her famous salsa for Jay as a gift....great idea as he says he could drink that stuff through a straw, he loves it so much. And then we had ice cream cake from Cold Stone (delicious) and played a card game and then Jay and Karen's husband Tony played hockey on the Wii.

Overall, I think this was one of the most special birthday's Jay has ever had. It was a special day for me. I was present and conscious in every single moment, knowing that this day would be filled with great memories.

Happy Birthday, my beloved Jaybird! I thank the Lord for you. I will love you for all eternity!

A Special Day...

2008-11-14T15:12:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow is Jay’s 43rd birthday. I’m going to try to make it a fun day for him. He had a break from chemotherapy this week…not because it was his birthday, but the scheduled break just happened to fall on the week before his birthday.

He has been trying to get outside as much as possible these past few days. The weather has been sunny and in the 80s here in good ol' California. He is still experiencing quite a bit of pain, but the pain medications make it tolerable for him so he can get out of the house. He can’t hike around the lake and fish like he used to, but he can at least get out and enjoy some time outside.

Tomorrow, I am hoping to be able to take him to a park where I can take some more recent pictures of him. He doesn’t really like to pose for the camera, but I don’t care, I make him do it anyway. It took until I was 38 years old to figure out that taking pictures and making memories are important in life, so I’m making up for lost time…as much as possible anyway. So, hopefully by Monday, I will have some pictures to post.

I just want Jay’s birthday to be special, and I’m sure we won’t do anything spectacular, but our time together will be just that…special. I will do everything in my power to see to it that it is.

Blessings on your weekend everyone!

Jamie

Veterans Day Salute

2008-11-11T10:00:00.000-08:00

I salute all the men and women who serve our country so that we may remain free. I salute all of the men and women who sacrificed their lives in the pursuit of freedom. You are all worthy of our praises. I may be one person, but I am one person who loves her country and supports her troops! I thank you all for truly having a servant's heart. Thank you for my freedom to be myself...freedom to hang a flag from my house...freedom to pray for my troops. I pray for your safety...Godspeed.

And taking a cue from another blog that I read this morning...there are other men, women and children who are in a different kind of war...the war against cancer. Whether you are the patient, caregiver, family member, or friend...you are in the battle of your lives and I salute the "veteran" warriors that you are. You may not be fighting for the freedom of a country, fighting to free prisoners of war, or fighting terrorism...but YOU are... WE are...waging a war against a disease that robs us of our freedom to live a normal life.

If you are a patient with cancer, you are fighting for survival, fighting for freedom from disease, fighting for a renewed body. Please stay strong. I salute you!

If you are a caregiver, you are fighting for your loved one's dignity, fighting for freedom from HMOs, hospitals and doctors, fighting to create a new life for your loved one, fighting for a good night's rest, fighting for just one moment without thinking about cancer, fighting for that one last special moment with the one you love. I salute you!

If you are a family member or friend, you are fighting to support the patient and caregiver in whatever way you can. We thank you from the bottom of our hearts. I salute you!

To the veterans of war, I will forever be grateful for your sacrifice.

To the "veterans" of the war on cancer, I am proud to be your comrade; I am honored to be fighting with all of you to one day WIN THIS WAR.

And finally, to those "veterans" that have lost their lives in the cancer battle; without your paving the way, technology would not be where it is today. Please know that your death was not in vain. You were a hero to many for your bravery. Your sacrifice has helped others to live longer lives. I salute you!

God bless you all!

Goodness

2008-11-10T16:41:00.000-08:00

What I have found in this process of dealing with the constant cancer battle is this…people just want to help. They have no clue what to do to help the situation, but all they know is that they just want to extend a hand of assistance. But when the question is posed, “What can I do to help?” or “What do you need?” - I have no idea what to say!

It’s frustrating because I want help but what I need help with, no one can take care of for us. I want Jay’s cancer to go away. I want his pain to go away. I want him to have a long, healthy life. I want to stay home and be with my husband instead of having to work. What I want and/or need cannot be fulfilled by man or woman.

Somehow I think that the Lord has planned it to be this way. He often reminds me that my help comes from Him. He is the only One that can grant any of my “wants.” But as His plan unfolds, I understand why some of my “wants” are not being granted. Little by little, He reveals parts of His plan to me so that I may receive His peace in my heart. Sometimes, He pulls back the veil just enough for me to gain strength from obtaining His perspective. This allows me to trust Him. And I do trust Him…even when I don’t exactly know how I’m feeling about this situation.

It’s funny…there are some days when I know exactly how to respond when someone asks me how I’m doing…the answer?...“I’m fine, thank you, how are you?” But there are days, like today, when I am emotional and I don’t know what to say when that question is asked. There is a part of me that wants to just say, “How do you think I am? My husband has cancer!” But people truly are being genuine of heart and I don’t want to squash that with my unsteady emotions. Instead, I find myself holding in my emotions and just trying to put the brave smile on my face and say, “I’m fine.” I even find, on the rare occasion when I open up and reveal what is really going on in my heart, myself consoling the person I am sharing information with because they feel bad for asking me how I’m doing. LOL It actually does make me chuckle because it’s as if for a moment, the burden shifts from me to them.

I just love that people can be so good. I love that they truly do want to help carry the burden since they can’t take it away from us. I love that in my little bubble; I am safe and I have many to turn to. That is a blessing from the Lord.

Thank You, Lord, for Your unwavering goodness towards me. I love You!

Everything Has Its Time

2008-11-07T14:52:00.000-08:00

To everything there is a season, A time for every purpose under heaven:
A time to be born, And a time to die; A time to plant, And a time to pluck what is planted; A time to kill, And a time to heal; A time to break down, And a time to build up; A time to weep, And a time to laugh; A time to mourn, And a time to dance; A time to cast away stones, And a time to gather stones; A time to embrace, And a time to refrain from embracing; A time to gain, And a time to lose; A time to keep, And a time to throw away; A time to tear, And a time to sew; A time to keep silence, And a time to speak; A time to love, And a time to hate; A time of war, And a time of peace. Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 NKJV

Now, for most people over the age of 30 (at least), when you read that scripture from Ecclesiastes 3 in the bible, you start humming the tune to the song that The Byrds released circa 1965, “To everything, turn, turn, turn; there is a season, turn, turn, turn; and a time to every purpose under heaven.”

But the meaning to that scripture is much deeper than that song can convey. That scripture is spoken from God telling us that there is a perfect time for every single thing here on earth. Every moment that we spend on this earth is meant to carry meaning as the Lord teaches us through each positive and negative circumstance in our lives. There is a right time to be sad, and a right time to be happy…there is a right time - it is in God’s time.

Whether the circumstances were brought about by the Lord to test our faith or from our own life choices and the Lord has chosen to allow a lesson to be learned from what we have brought upon ourselves; still, it is all in the Lord’s timing.

I have been reflecting on my life these past couple of years and the battle that my husband and I have been in for so long, and I have wondered, “How long will this go on, Lord?” I admit – I am weary. And if I am weary, Jay must be plain exhausted…and yet he still remains a warrior. He is so amazing to me. But the amount of time this goes on is insignificant...what is the Lord teaching me in the process? That is what is most important. What am I learning? To wait on the Lord and allow HIS time to be fulfilled.

I can’t even remember what it was like BC (Before Cancer). I pray that the day will come when Jay doesn’t have cancer, but I don’t know if that day will ever come. I trust the Lord to make that decision for us…no matter how weary I may get…I still trust the Lord. I know what the doctors have to say about all of this, and I can speculate how long my guy will be able to fight the good fight before the cancer has the final say-so; but, ultimately, God will take all that is meant for bad and make it good, so even if I don’t get the answer that I want to my prayers; I know that the Lord has the greater understanding as to why it cannot be that way for us.

Even if it appears that there is nothing good on this earth, there really is good, but I await the day when I will have nothing to worry about ever again. As it says in Revelation 21:4-5 “And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away.…Behold, I make all things new.…for these words are true and faithful.”

In heaven, there will be nothing bad! Praise God!

I took all of the negatives out of Ecclesiastes 3, and you can just imagine being in heaven…and look at what we can look forward to:

There will be a time:

· To be born (again)
· To plant
· To heal (full restoration)
· To build up
· To laugh
· To dance
· To gather stones
· To embrace
· To gain
· To keep
· To sew
· To speak
· To love
· There will be a time of peace.

Peace. Peace for all who believe. The peace that surpasses all understanding; that can only come from the Lord.

I think of all of us who are enduring some kind of trial right now. In trials we are made strong…even when we don’t feel strong, the Lord gives us the strength to persevere if we will only trust Him. Our times, good and bad, are in God’s hands…if we allow Him to work in our lives.

I trust His handy work…will you?

Almighty Father, thank You for speaking to my heart today. I pray, once again, please take this cancer from my husband’s body. I come boldly to Your throne and I am asking for another miracle. Nothing is beyond Your power. I pray that You will restore Jay’s body here on earth. Just as Jesus asked, “If it is possible, let this cup pass from me”…I too ask, let this cup pass…but nonetheless, not my will, but YOURS be done. I trust that You know what is best for me and for Jay. You are the sovereign God and it is Your will that I want more than my own selfish desires. I place us in Your hands. Give us Your wisdom, Your peace, and Your love. I praise You, my Father. In Jesus name. Amen.

Let Your Voice Be Heard...VOTE!

2008-11-04T14:48:00.000-08:00

I'm not usually a political person, but this election between Obama and McCain has got me all excited! Not necessarily in a good way, either. I am concerned for our future and the candidate that gets voted in today has a HUGE responsibility on their shoulders. They need to pull us out of the "deep end" and help the United States to rebound. That's no small thing!

Everybody wants change but I don't know that anyone is really ready for some of the bigger changes that are looming if certain candidates are elected into office, and if certain propositions are passed. I have cast my vote and I will eagerly await to see what the rest of the nation has to say. If I am out-voted, I will be in heavy prayer for our nation.

One of my big issues of concern is who will step up to increase the revenue given to researchers to find a cure for cancer...any cancer...all cancer???! All I can say is whoever is elected today better keep their word and put their money where their mouth is!! The statistics speak for themselves; 1 in 2 men and 1 in 3 women will have some type of cancer in their lifetime. Those are such sad statistics.

But, regardless of who is chosen as our president, the Lord still reigns over all the earth for those who choose to believe it...and no matter what, we believers are going to be fine! The state of the world today was prophetically written in the bible, so we are even closer to Jesus' return. I look forward to that day because then I won't have to worry about anything ever again. No tears, no fear, no worries in heaven. I will never think of earth and evil again when that day comes! Oh how I long for that day to come!

Heavenly Father, YOU ALONE reign over this earth. I pray that the right candidate will be chosen for president. I pray that this election fulfills YOUR plan. Be with us, Lord. Protect us. Draw us closer to You. Thank You that You are not willing that any should perish, but I long for the day when I will see You face-to-face. I praise Your Holy Name. Amen.

A True Friend

2008-10-26T19:35:00.000-07:00

In this season of my life, I have found that it is imperative to take a look at who I surround myself with and determine who it is that I can rely on in my time of need. For anyone who has a loved one that is suffering from cancer...or any disease for that matter...and they are the caregiver for that loved one, a support system must be in place in order to maintain a sense of balance...or just a sense of sanity. LOL

Well, I have a wonderful support system in place and there are many people who have stepped up to the plate and offered their love and prayers and well wishes...but I have one friend in particular that has been with me every step of the way throughout Jay's illness. No matter how hard it is for Karen to sit and listen to me as I describe the effects of Jay's cancer and chemotherapy treatment and side effects, she still sits and listens with a sympathetic ear and even tears in her eyes on some occasions. It's not easy being the one who gets the weight shifted upon them as a friend leans heavily for that support. I've been the sympathetic ear many times over, but this is the first time in my life that I've ever truly needed the ear perked towards me.

Karen has been my "person"...you know, the one you go to for all of the events of your life, good or bad, and you share most, if not all, of the details with them because you know that you can trust them with everything...well, Karen has been there since the very beginning of Jay's illness in 2005 when Jay had a colonoscopy and I feared the worst..."cancer"...and then the test results came back as "pre" cancer...woohoo!...celebration time!....and then the day of his surgery to prevent the worst case scenario only to come to find out that it really was cancer after all...total bummer...and now what?...chemo, radiation, recurrence, more chemo, more chemo, less chemo, another surgery, supposed remission...and then a third recurrence and now chemotherapy...again.

A true friend is someone who sticks by you no matter the circumstances and not only listens to you, but honestly shares in your grieving and helps to shoulder the burden of your trial...and wants to take it all away and make everything better...and then when they figure out that they can't then they just try to figure out a way to make you smile. Karen is the epitome of a true friend...she takes it upon herself to bless me in whatever way she can...something as simple as making coffee and sharing it with me every morning or pack lunch for both of us so we can sit and chat and pray. She cries sometimes when we talk about Jay and how difficult this recurrence of cancer has been for both of us. She feels our pain deep in her heart. Do you even know what a tremendous blessing that is?

I am not worthy of such a wonderful friend, but the Lord has answered my prayers with the gift of Karen. I praise the Lord for loving me so much as to provide me with a sort of "God with skin." Karen knows exactly how to draw me back in when my emotions have gotten the best of me. She is quick to bring me back to the Lord when I have started to drift. If I forget about the grace of God and just how wonderful and faithful He is; Karen reminds me...this is the mark of a TRUE FRIEND.

My Karen, never forget just how special you are. God has created such a lovely and wonderful person in you. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for being such a loyal friend. Thank you for pouring God's love out upon me and Jay. You are a precious treasure. I honestly do not know where I would be today if the Lord hadn't blessed my life with your love and friendship. Praise God for His faithfulness...you are my friend...you are my Sister. I love you very much.

The Battle Rages On...

2008-10-09T08:11:00.000-07:00

It has been a while since I have written...life has been...well...busy to say the least. Jay's cancer has returned in a big way. He has many tumors in the lymph system in his abdomen for which he is receiving chemotherapy. This time it's totally different. The chemo is harsh and Jay's body is less tolerant this go-round. But Jay, the uber-trooper, battles on and endures through the pain and nausea. I am so proud of him...but sometimes wonder how much more will he be able to take? I will battle along side him for as long as he wants to be a warrior.

Throughout our ups and downs, I have allowed the Lord to minister to me through the beautiful lives of my friends and family. My church family has gathered around us to stand in the gap and pray, pray, pray. I am grateful to God for all of them. It is only by faith that I am able to handle everything that I am seeing with Jay's recurrence of cancer.

Maybe I'm not right in how I look at this, but when he hurts; I hurt...when he is weak; I am weak...his cancer does not just happen to him. I may not have the actual disease in my body, but I certainly have experienced everything he has. The frustration of watching him be so sick from the chemo and him not being able to even get out of the house to do the things he loves to do. The things that take his mind off of the disease that seems hungry to take over his body. The disappointment of having to take so many medications just to sustain his comfort level...which is not always that comfortable. I live all of that with him. I wish I could just take it all away.

In those times when I feel discouraged, I know that I can turn to the Lord for my strength and courage. God gives me everything I have need of to wage this war against cancer. He gives me the smile on my face that I know will warm my husband's heart. He gives me the words of encouragement to give to Jay when he is down. He gives me the absolute love in my heart that I can pour out on my beloved so he will know that he is not alone in any of this and he can be assured that I will fight to the very ends of the earth for his well-being. It is by God alone that any of this happens. Every moment is precious, every memory is a treasure, his life is my life and mine his; that is a gift from God alone.

Thank you, Father, for your unconditional and unending love for us!

My Favorite Little Girl

2008-08-23T09:04:00.000-07:00

In the midst of all of the trials that I am going through...I neglected to mention one of the positive things going on in my life. Shame on me.

I have a beautiful 11 year old niece, Alyissa, and she is the light of my life. I haven't gotten to see her very often in her 11 years, but she won me over the day she was born and has been my favorite ever since. I absolutely adore this little girl...young lady...well, whatever, she has my heart.

Alyissa is at the tender age where the world can influence her either negatively or positively...that's it...there are only two ways to go. Well, I won't let the negative influences of this world get to my girl. I want her to grow up knowing just how special she is and that nothing can stop her from accomplishing all that she dreams of.

There have been people in her life that have given her the impression that she isn't good enough...that because she doesn't have the right clothes or the family isn't rich then she is less of a person because of it...thus shaking her confidence in herself. That makes me so angry! People are always so eager to put other people down so they can make themselves feel more superior...well I'm not going to allow that to happen to Alyissa...not on my watch!!

I remember when I was her age...I know what all of the negative did to me. I will do everything I can to help her realize that it isn't her fault that other people are judgmental. She needs to know that she can be herself...and NO MATTER WHAT...she will be loved.

Okay, so here's the situation...my Mom...Alyissa's Grandma...takes care of her. Almost since the time Aly was born. And for a number of years now, my Mom has had custody of her 100% of the time. Well, my Mom has made a huge sacrifice to do this. She didn't have to, but she saw the need for it and set her life aside to take care of this little girl. I am so proud of my Mom for that sacrifice she has made. But Mom is getting to the point where she needs help with Aly. Aly has her own opinions of how life should go...and we all know what happens as little girls turn into teenagers. Yikes! So Mom needs a 'wing man'...or 'wing woman'...LOL. That's where I come in.

I've been talking to my Mom about moving closer to me so that we can raise Aly together as a team. I know that once Aly gets a little older...the challenges become far greater than what I think my Mom will be able to handle. She did it once with my brother and I, but I am not certain...with all of the challenges of the teenagers of today...that my Mom is going to be able to deal with it. Anyway, my Mom has now purchased a home in my city...just a few miles away...and they will be moving out here TOMORROW!

I will be able to see my little girl as often as I like! Mom too...[sorry Mom...I'm excited that you will be here too. LOL] But I am really looking forward to being a more positive influence in Alyissa's life. We get along so well and I love that she feels safe with me and comfortable to be herself. That is what I want for her.

I prayed for a long time to be a Mom...but it just was not going to happen with my husband and I. And I understand now, through our current circumstances, why we don't have children. But, in a way, this is an answer to my prayers because I can be a 'Spiritual Mom' just as well as I can be a real Mom. I can give Aly the guidance and love necessary for her growth as a human being...and that fulfills my maternal instincts, thus filling the hole in my heart. Leaving a legacy is very important to me, and now I have an opportunity to do just that.

Praise God for answered prayers.

Aly, I love EXACTLY who you are! I am so happy that I will get to spend more time with you. I am excited for the times to come. You are my precious girl. I love you very much...ALWAYS. Love, Auntie

One Step At A Time...

2008-08-20T12:21:00.000-07:00

Hello Everyone,

It has been a while since I have written...a lot has been going on. Jay being cancer free was short-lived. The Lord is allowing his cancer to return. But I can tell you; it was a much needed break from cancer world, no matter how short-lived it was. Those few weeks allowed us to catch our breath so we are prepared to do battle again. We've been here before so it wasn't much of a surprise when we got his test results back this week confirming what we already knew. Jay's attitude is pretty positive...he's bummed out...but we knew that it was a good possibility that it would come back. He will return to City of Hope next week on Friday for a consultation with a surgeon to remove this tumor which is located at his tailbone. I don't know if it is ON his tailbone but it is in his lymph node, so that can't be all that great. I have a ton of questions for the surgeon. I'm making my list now. Like, couldn't they have seen this when they were in there just a few months ago? I won't make myself crazy thinking of all the things they "should've" done...the Lord has this. I feel a peace about this. God is so mightily at work in our lives. I couldn't do this without the love and peace that can only come from the Creator of Life. My Jaybird is in the hands of the Lord.

And to add to our trials...Jay's father, Russ, was just diagnosed with pancreatic cancer this past weekend and is having surgery at this very moment to try to remove the tumor. Obviously, we know that pancreatic cancer is one of the worst types of cancers to get, but the Lord is with Russ and He has met him face-to-face. As a matter of fact, Dad just gave his life to the Lord yesterday. Praise God!! He now receives the gift of heaven and all of the promises of the Lord. No matter the outcome of this illness, God will restore his body one day and there will be no more suffering. But praise the Lord that I will see my father-in-law in eternity. That does my heart good!

For those who are praying for us...thank you for your faithfulness. I will be writing more often now, as the Lord leads...

Thank You, Lord, for the peace that forever resides in my heart because I have the gift of salvation! I commit my family to You and pray that Your hand would be upon them. I praise Your holy name!!

God's Miracles and Mercy

2008-07-03T09:02:00.000-07:00

This whole miracle thing has had me befuddled, bewildered, and just plain confused...

Let me explain a little better...Jay's scan came back clean. The miracle carries on! Praise the Lord. And this entire time of Jay's recovery, (and let's face it...mine too.) I have been in awe of what God has chosen to do for us...give us a cure...give us a break...give us LIFE! Throughout the nine weeks since Jay's surgery, I have asked the Lord, "Why would you give us this miracle?" Yes, I'm sure it's crazy to ask the Lord a "why" question when He has given me a gift from His heart. But, actually, I'm not crazy at all. Yesterday, the answer was made very clear to me in a message given by one of the pastors at my church.

He spoke of Thomas, of "Doubting Thomas" fame, and how Thomas got his name. Thomas was not afraid to ask the silly, trivial, or even dumb questions. He was not prideful and afraid of looking stupid. He was dedicated to the calling of Jesus. He was willing to follow Jesus wherever He went in order to proclaim Him as the Messiah. Thomas was willing to die for his savior. When the disciples couldn't make sense of anything and they were too afraid to ask the necessary questions, Thomas was not afraid to step up and say that he was confused.

Jesus was crucified on the cross and His body was finally laid to rest in the tomb and the disciples were to try and carry on without their Leader. The disciples were assembled one day and Jesus appeared to them...all except Thomas. When the disciples told Thomas about Jesus appearing to them, he was reluctant to believe. Thomas said, "Unless I see in his hands the mark of the nails, and place my finger into the mark of the nails, and place my hand into his side, I will never believe." (Luke 20:25b) Thomas could just not wrap his head around what Jesus had done and that He would be resurrected.

Eight days later, Jesus appeared to the disciples again and this time, Thomas was there! Jesus went to Thomas and said, "Put your finger here, and see my hands; and put out your hand, and place it in my side. Do not disbelieve, but believe." And then Thomas said, "My Lord and my God!" Jesus said to him, "Have you believed because you have seen me? Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed." (Luke 20:27-29)

Thomas' eyes were suddenly opened to see that Jesus was standing before him. He was able to touch the wounds that Jesus received on his behalf...on all of our behalf! But my pastor said something so poignant that really pierced my heart...he said, "It was not Thomas touching Jesus' wounds that made Him see that it was the Lord standing before him, but rather, it was Jesus' wounds touching Thomas that opened his eyes and made him believe." Again, Thomas couldn't wrap his head around it until the wounds of Jesus touched Him.

This is what Jesus has done for me! It is through the wounds and shed blood of Jesus Christ that I can have this miracle of my husband's cancer being gone...of a life together. This miracle was for me, not just for Jay, but for ME! I'm the skeptical one...I'm the one who couldn't wrap my head around it...but Jesus' wounds have touched me...and continue to touch me so that I might believe with my whole heart that He died just so that I could receive this gift of life.

Thank you, my Jesus...my Savior...my Lord...my God! I love you.

Life Continues On...

2008-06-20T08:54:00.000-07:00

Today, Jay has a PET/CT scan...many thoughts go with that, but in the interest of taking my thoughts captive, I will just say that the Lord is faithful and leave the planning of my husband's life to Him.

For those of you who are praying for my Jaybird...please pray that it is a clean scan...no signs of cancer...but ultimately, the Lord's will be done.

As for me...this is a time of refreshment...no, it has nothing to do with eating...LOL...but it has everything to do with me getting closer to the Lord and refreshing my soul. I have to admit that the past two and a half years have been really exhausting...but with this break that the Lord has given to us, I am now looking to rebuild my strength and for the Holy Spirit to be replenished within me.

I have joined a new ministry at my church. It is an eight week study called, "Mentoring Matters." I am being mentored by a wonderful godly woman. I had my first study last night with a very small and intimate group of six women...seven with the mentor. It is a special blessing to know that I will be encouraged and sustained by God through these women. Each one of us is totally unique but we all have the common thread of Jesus Christ that weaves us together. It is a special time.

I look forward to sharing with everyone about my experiences in this new ministry and how the Lord is speaking to me. May God receive the glory.

Thank you to everyone for your continued prayers. I am blessed...my husband is blessed...WE are blessed to have you.

Jamie

A Normal Life?

2008-06-10T08:43:00.000-07:00

Hello Everyone!

Yes, I know...it has been a while since I've written in my journal. I have been living what I THINK is a normal life again. Praise the Lord. A life filled with comings and goings for Jay and I...visitations with friends...dates to the movies and dinner...being lazy on the couch and watching TV...just LIFE. A life without hospitals...worry about the effects of chemo...just LIFE. How wonderful it is!!

Well, today we have a consultation appointment with Jay's oncologist here in our local town...no more City of Hope for now...just regular check ups with the original oncologist who wouldn't touch Jay with a 10 foot pole as far as surgery went...he promised that Jay would bleed out on the table if he sent him to have surgery. WRONG AGAIN DOC! I'm interested to see what he has to say as he looks at Jay and sees how well he is doing. That should be sort of fun. I know, I shouldn't find joy in proving to someone that they were wrong...but in a way...I will be happy to watch him squirm a little. LOL

Jay and I have been talking lately about whether he thinks that chemotherapy is the way to go to follow up the surgery. Jay has been wavering. It's his decision all the way. If he's not ready, fine with me! I think he is looking at waiting for the first scan to happen sometime in July or August and see what it presents and then go from there. If he really is cancer free, the first scan should come back clean...and then hopefully the next...and then the next...but we have no way of knowing. Only God knows. I'm leaving it to Him. I am just overjoyed at the fact that my honey is looking so good and healthy again. He actually has a wonderful color to his face and almost a glow. He says that he didn'tven realize that his face was so discolored from the effects of chemo and the cancer. But he looks in the mirror now and realizes what "healthy" looks like.

So, for now and prayerfully forever, I get to live a normal life. I am making the transition into living again. New adventures, new people, new life...that is the best blessing ever...NORMAL!

I pray that everyone is doing well. I didn't realize how much I've missed communicating with you all. Have a wonderfulday! And I promise to write again soon.

Jamie

Changing Direction

2008-05-13T15:21:00.000-07:00

Okay, so here it is...the BIG question...

How do you switch gears from preparing for a loved one's death to suddenly looking at the possibility of spending a lifetime with them? I have spent the past several days pondering this very question. The Lord revealed a completely different plan to us a few weeks ago and now I am having trouble making the transition. I have experienced every emotion possible. I have been overwhelmed with joy, felt the sorrow for people who still face the cancer battle, feared the cancer coming back again, and now I'm in the "Now what do I do, Lord?" phase.

A few months ago, Jay and I were making the "bucket list" of things to do before he died. Today, we are faced with the very real possibility of him having to go back to work. I know...I know...what a great dilemma to be in! And it is! Trust me, I count it a blessing. It is just difficult because my head is still spinning and my heart overflowing from the turn of events.

I suppose more time has to go by before I will know which path the Lord has for us next. Until then...I will stay the course until the Lord changes the direction of our path again. I trust that He is capable to be the Leader...I am good with just being the follower.

God bless.

Survivor's Guilt?

2008-05-02T16:29:00.000-07:00

A very unusual thing has been happening these past couple of days...I have been experiencing several different emotions after finding out that my husband is cancer free. I've been thinking about those people in the hospital that weren't getting to go home just yet, or wouldn't ever go home...and the overwhelming feeling of sadness has been felt deep in my heart. Could it be survivor's guilt???

And today, a co-worker of mine who has been facing the same struggles as me for quite some time because his wife has been battling cancer, has lost his beautiful wife to the disease. And I feel that deep in my heart too...not because I knew his wife, but because I understood this man's trial and what he was going through... that is, until now.

The Lord spared my husband and took his wife. Please don't get me wrong...I totally understand that the Lord has a plan for each of us and I trust that when someone's time is up and the Lord calls them home, it fulfills the Lord's perfect plan. The Lord holds the number of our days in His hands. But, here is what I'm having a struggle with...how on earth did I get so blessed? Why would the Lord choose to spare me and my husband and not the next person? I will never be able to figure it out, but I am overwhelmed at the fact that the Lord has given me such a gift...and shown me such mercy. I am overjoyed to the point of being dumbfounded! Truly GOBSMACKED!...or GODsmacked!

We are told in the bible not to lean on our own understanding, but in all our ways, acknowledge God and He will direct our paths. (Proverbs 3:5-6) Well, I am acknowledging that I don't have a bit of understanding as to what the Lord's plan is for us...but I am so blessed that it involves spending more time with my Jay.

I'm not to try and figure out God...it will never happen anyway...I am to simply live moment to moment and know in my heart that God is in control of everything...and He absolutely is!

Lord, a thank you will just never be enough...

Sweet Sounds

2008-04-28T12:16:00.000-07:00

Well...we made it! We are home now...and I couldn't be any happier. I'm sitting here in my living room and all I hear is birds chirping and my husband snoring...two of the sweetest sounds.

I'm totally enjoying the peace I feel at this moment. There are no sounds of monitors beeping, nurses talking in the hallways, patients calling for help, food delivery carts clumsily making their way through the hospital...I could go on and on. How is it that anyone actually heals in the hospital?? It's not like anyone gets any rest! Every 20 minutes or so someone is coming in to take vitals, change a bandage, attend to the IV machine, etc. By the end of our stay, I was ready to become a linebacker and just tackle anyone that walked through the door to disturb our rest. LOL

But, even with all of the annoyances that come with staying in the hospital...I must say my gratitude outweighs any other emotion that I may have felt.

My heart still goes out to those who have to remain at the hospital for any number of reasons that they are there in the first place. The lady next door to us that came all the way out from Austin, Texas for her surgery and treatments...the older woman across the hall from us who didn't look so good when we left. I pray that the Lord would just cover them with His love and comfort as they endure what it is that they are going through. One of the doors in our unit was closed the entire time with a sign on it that said,"STOP! No entry except for doctors and nurses who absolutely must enter." I don't even have a clue as to who was in that room...man or woman...but I pray that they are not alone in there.

I am just so thankful to the Lord for allowing me to be able to bring my honey home and in somewhat better shape (minus the cancer; plus staples) than when we went in. I still can't believe that the Lord has given us this miracle of time. I pray that we never take it for granted.

I want to say thank you to those of you who diligently read my blog and leave me comments of encouragement. I want you all to know that I truly appreciate your thoughtfulness and I hope to begin leaving comments on your blogs again as well. Life has just been a bit hectic and I haven't had much energy for much else but being there for my guy.

Kelly - I still have Kimmie on my heart. I think of her often, and wish that she could still be here so that I could share our victory. She would've been so pleased to know that Jay has won this round of the battle. But I am so happy that I have you to share my ups and downs with. I think of you and pray for you often. I gather much strength from you because you have gone through the toughest part of this disease and have remained a very strong and courageous person.

Betty - thank you for your words of love and encouragement. You are always faithful to lift me up.

Krissy - thank you for sharing your words of encouragement to stay in the battle and be strong in my faith in the Lord to deliver my husband of this disease as he has done for your husband TWICE! God is amazing...this I know.

AJ - thank you for always being right there with some loving words that lift my spirits up.

All of you, I have never met, but you have become part of my family. I love and appreciate each one of you.

And to those friends and family who have stuck by me and Jay and prayed constantly and put us on a million different prayer chains...it is that faithfulness, I know, that has brought about this new season of our lives. God is faithful to answer the prayers of those who are faithful to seek Him and His will.

I am in awe of the love that has been shown to us by everyone...those that we know, and those that we don't. It is proof to me that Jesus is alive and well and living in the hearts of those who believe because that is the kind of love that you cannot keep to yourself...it must be shared...poured out in immeasurable amounts.

God bless you all.

Jamie

Heading Home

2008-04-27T20:59:00.000-07:00

Hello All,

Jay has been doing very well the past couple of days, so the hospital says it is time to go home. Praise the Lord! They actually wanted to send him home today, but Jay asked for an additional day just to be safe. I'm glad he did because I would hate to get home and have something go wrong. So, here we are at City of Hope for the last night. We should be out of here in the morning.

Jay has been a good boy and has done his exercises and walked the halls and done all that he was told to do and our reward is to be able to go home. I miss my bed...and I know that Jay does too. The people here have been perfectly nice and done a great job of taking care of my guy, but I can't wait to get him home.

In my celebration for the fact that we get to leave soon, I can't help but have a heavy heart for those that have to remain here because they are too sick to go home. We have walked the halls and seen who is doing well and who is not. My heart goes out to all of them. The struggle that they are going through to get well, or at least to have some small measurement of normalcy is something that we have gone through, but we get a break for now...I pray the same for them. If I could just take all of their pain away, I would in a heartbeat. Cancer is a disease that can rob someone of everything they have and I know that we all go through trials for a reason, but in my ideal world...no one would have to go through having to endure cancer.

For those of you who are praying for me and Jay...please take a moment to thank the Lord for our miracle, but also lift up the patients here at City of Hope, that they would receive the same blessing. Anything is possible with God, so if we all help to carry the burden of the patients here, God will listen. He is faithful to deliver. Prayer changes situations...and collectively, we could pray this disease away. Pray in faith.

Thank you to all who have prayed for us. I cannot express to you enough how much I appreciate your open hearts. God is listening...please continue to pray.

With Much Love,

Jamie

God Delivers

2008-04-24T22:15:00.000-07:00

Well, the past 24 hours have been filled with lots of ups and only a few downs...Jay has been given a miracle...they seem to have gotten all of the cancer out of his abdomen. Praise the Lord! He has been in some pain, but nothing that a few different kinds of pain killers couldn't handle...he has been up and sitting in a chair and has taken a few steps in the room...he has done amazingly well...except right now he is having a fever spike...101.8...not really sure why that is, but we are all watching him closely. He says that he doesn't feel bad, just HOT. So, here I sit in the room with him...placing cold rags on his forehead and on the back of his neck. Doctors don't seem too alarmed...it's fairly common to get a fever after such an invasive surgery...so it's not time to panic...just time to give it to the Lord and do my job...be by my man's side.

So, a miracle has been given to us...nothing surprising because God is capable of absolutely anything...but I am overwhelmed that it appears that my honey gets a break from this disease. The doctors have said that they were able to get it all...they are confident in that fact. There is a part of me that still wonders if this is just for a season...but regardless...God is in control and it doesn't matter that we've heard it before, "We got it all..." I am celebrating this miracle in this moment...God is so good.

For those that are praying...please pray that Jay is not developing anything serious and that the fever goes away and there are no setbacks. But most importantly, in your prayers...thank Him for the miracle of time.

May the Lord receive all glory and praise!

Leaning on FAITH

2008-04-22T14:25:00.000-07:00

It has been a few weeks since I have written...we've been on the roller coaster again...Jay has been experiencing a great deal of pain. Possibly a hernia...or the tumors are doing something...we won't know - until tomorrow, that is. Jay is scheduled for surgery tomorrow morning. I don't know what time, but it's first thing in the morning. On top of the pain that Jay has been feeling, a little over a week ago, Jay came down with the stomach flu. Ahhh! That was awful! He got severely dehydrated and we ended up spending three out of the four days of him being sick in urgent care with him receiving IV fluids. It was a rough few days...no sleep for either of us. We were both just exhausted. I don't know that I've actually recovered from that to tell you the truth. I'm still exhausted. But it could just be because of all of the preparation for what is about to happen tomorrow. Tomorrow, our lives will change...no ifs, ands or buts about it...life will change. It will either change because the doctors were able to eradicate the cancer from Jay's abdomen completely...or it will change because they couldn't. Only time will tell. I am trying to wrap my head around the whole thing, but it seems impossible to do. What it comes down to is this...FAITH. I have faith that God led us to City of Hope...in order to provide us with hope. I have faith that no matter what the outcome, God is by our side, and not only that, he is carrying us.

The Lord gave me a scripture this morning and what a gift it is! James 5:15 "And the prayer of faith will save the sick, and the Lord will raise him up."

I will pray in faith that my honey will come through with little to no complications. I will pray in faith that the Lord will reveal His plan to me tomorrow. Healing may or may not come...it is my hope and desire for healing to come and I have faith that the Lord can deliver my husband of this illness...but I will pray for the Lord's will to be done because it is His will that I seek. If His will is for my Jay to be healed; it will be so.

I do not know when I will write again...I am going to be by my guy's side and keep him company. If I feel up to it...I will write again soon. For those of you who are praying for us...please pray for the Lord's will to be done, for peace and comfort for us, and for healing for Jay. We are in need of much prayer.

God Bless You.

Jamie

Making The Turn

2008-03-29T12:19:00.000-07:00

Well...the last week or so has been a bit overwhelming. Jay and I went to City of Hope to see the surgeon again...we weren't sure what was going to happen at that appointment. We imagined the best scenarios and then the worst in order to prepare our hearts for what we were going to hear from him. Were they going to say, "Sorry Mr. Hare, there isn't anything that we can do for you after all" or was it going to be something more positive? Well...it was a definite positive! The doc told us that my Jay is a pretty healthy young man and that surgery is the best option to try and eradicate this disease that is in his body. Yes, there is a potential that there could be further complications once they get in there...the cancer could have grown and attached itself to an organ such as the bladder and they may be forced to take a portion or all of it...which, by the way, my husband will not withstand removal of the full bladder...that would not be the best quality of his life...but, the doc says that the chances of this happening are about 5%...okay, the surgery would be worth it so far...other complications could be a lot of scar tissue blocking the area that they need to get into and they may not be able to get to where they are going...and one other thing that was identified is that they will be working in the area of the prostate so there is potential for damage there...scary, but still worth giving it a try.

We have gone from having basically a zero percent chance of Jay surviving this disease overall to about a 70% chance that with this surgery he could be cured or at least in remission for a while. 70% people!! That is huge! Praise God! So now Jay and I are having to take a look at our lives as they were a few weeks ago with no real hope to speak of and now we can see that there is a chance that Jay's life could actually change and he may have several years left...like 50! I may actually have the opportunity to grow old with my honey! God is so amazing! He is steady and consistent all the time so I shouldn't be surprised that we have been given this miracle of time...but still I am in awe that my God loves us so much that He would even consider giving us such a gift. This is an amazing unconditional love that you do not get anywhere else but from the Lord.

So "overwhelmed" is the feeling ofthe week...LOL...we have both been just reeling over changing gears to actually having to think about the possibility of Jay having to go back to work someday in the near future. Jay, of course, is reluctant to believe that any of this is true...and he is fearful that when all is said and done that this surgery may not have been worth it...but I trust that the Lord is in control of this situation and whatever He has planned for us...I'm following along. I have been swimming in the Lord's grace and mercy all week since the appointment and this is the first I have been able to write anything about it because I haven't been able to find the words to describe what we are going through.

There is a great saying that has stuck with me since I heard it about 10 years ago and I don't remember who said it but it goes like this..."The bend in the road is not the end in the road unless you fail to make the turn."

You could open a million theme parks with all of the "thrill rides" that He puts us on...all of the ups and downs, hairpin turns, and loop-the-loops...but what an amazing experience it is...this ride called life. I will never regret following the One who makes it all possible.

Who knows what will happen as a result of this surgery that is scheduled for April 23rd...but here is to "making the turn." I am on the ride for sure!

Heavenly Father, thank You for the miracle of HOPE. You make it all possible and I give all of the glory to YOU. I love you with everything I have. Watch over my Jay...Your will be done. In Jesus name. Amen.

When life gives you lemons...

2008-03-16T21:16:00.000-07:00

MAKE LEMONADE!!!

We were given a bunch of fresh lemons the other day so we decided to go out and get a juicer...mmmmmmmmmmm....it was yummy! But it was a wonderful metaphor for what we happen to be going through at the moment. What seems to be meant for evil...God is turning into something good. These are special moments with my honey.

God bless!

A New Day

2008-03-14T12:30:00.000-07:00

Hi Everybody,

It has been a few days since our appointment with the surgeon and Jay has had time to mull everything over and he has figured out that it will be worth it to endure another surgery if it gives him a shot at a longer life…and even possibly remission and/or cure. He, of course, didn’t tell me this…I overheard him talking to someone on the phone and saying those words.

To me, it’s a no-brainer…a shot at a longer life when your life at 42 years old is being threatened…but I’m not the cancer patient. I had told him the same day as our appointment that I would support whatever decision that he made. I don’t want to push him into a surgery that may or may not work and if the worst case scenario happened, I don’t want the blame to come to me. I want him to know that even if he decided to skip the surgery and just seek the best quality of life for whatever life he has left that I would spend every waking moment trying to make it the best life ever for him.

Well, now that we know that the surgeon wants to do surgery…I thought I’d share what my thoughts were while I was sitting in the waiting room and then the examination room. I just want others to know that even in the midst of a crises…you can rely on the Lord’s strength and power to get through it.

Journal Entry - 03/10/08…It’s a weird feeling sitting in a cancer hospital waiting room…looking around to try and determine which are the cancer patients and which are the caretaker/family members…you know, cancer doesn’t look like it did even five years ago…some patients don’t lose their hair or lose weight…it’s just not easy to tell anymore…if you look at my Jay, you wouldn’t know that he was a cancer patient…he just looks like a normal guy…thinning hair, but otherwise pretty normal…and foxy if you asked me…LOL.

It is a strange feeling knowing that a doctor is going to come into this examination room and determine my husband’s fate…but it’s a good feeling to know that God is looking out for us no matter what and it is He that truly determines our fate.

I am putting my trust in God for this day and this moment…and then moment-by-moment I will consciously make the choice to allow this to work for our good…I no longer want to try and guess what God has in store for us…I used to think of it as a sort of game to see if I could figure out God’s plan before He revealed it…well, doing that is a kind of sin because it means that I’m not sitting back and letting God be God…trying to figure out His next move is detrimental to my spirit because, first, I’m missing out on His blessings and His lessons if I’m trying to anticipate a move on His part, second, I am allowing the enemy to fill my mind with lies because I can never guess totally correctly what is on God’s mind and in His plan, and thirdly, I am allowing my joy in my circumstances be taken away because I’m too busy trying to be the prophet that I am NOT instead of being obedient to sit back and WAIT on the Lord.

If this doctor comes in today and says that surgery is not an option, I am to KNOW that it was not a part of the Lord’s plan for us…and not only know, but TRUST that God is in control. His plan is better than any plan that I can dream up.

May the Lord receive the glory for what we are about to experience with this surgery and recovery…Lord, give me strength to be there for my husband and give my Jaybird Your peace that surpasses all understanding and wisdom to know that You are in control.

God bless you all. Thank you for reading my blog.

Jamie

Jay Update

2008-03-10T20:18:00.000-07:00

Hello All,

We met with the surgeon today...we need to go back in a couple of weeks to have more scans done...it looks like surgery is definitely going to happen...well, that is if Jay decides to go forward with it...let's just say he's nervous about having another major surgery and there is no guarantee that his cancer will be cured as a result of it...so we are just taking it all in right now. We'll know a whole lot more in a couple of weeks...so I'll keep you guys posted. Thank you for all of the prayers. I covet them.

God Bless,

Jamie

God Is In The Fast Lane

2008-03-07T11:40:00.000-08:00

You definitely don't want to mess with God when He is in the fast lane! Whhheeww! My head is spinning...we got the call from the surgeon's office and we have an appointment set for Monday...that would be THIS Monday at City of Hope at 3:00 p.m. Praise the Lord! So we will have our consultation and if the surgeon is willing to perform surgery on Jay, who knows! He may perform surgery right there, as fast as the Lord is working! LOL

Thank you to everyone who is praying for my honey. Keep it up!! We need it! There is power in prayer and I am asking the Lord for a miracle. My God can do anything, so I am trusting that He can heal my husband if He chooses.

I will report again after our consultation on Monday. As for me, I am off to a women's retreat for the weekend to receive the Lord's restoration in my heart, mind, and soul. May the Lord receive the glory for all that our future holds.

Love to you all! Have a nice weekend!

Jamie

HOPE

2008-03-05T10:40:00.000-08:00

This photo says it all for me. My honey was the recipient of HOPE yesterday. These people mean business and I am thankful to the Lord for opening the door to City of Hope.

This is the word for the day, the month, the year!! Praise God!

This place just spews encouragement. The fountain is beautiful, but check out the sign on the building behind it..."Think Cure" is what it says.

This cherry blossom tree is just simply gorgeous. In its own way, it creates a hope as well. I just love it.

Well, yesterday was a blessing. For the first time, Jay has hope for a cure for his disease. The doctor at City of Hope was very nice and also very to the point. He is referring us to a surgeon for a consultation because it is the only way for a possible cure. CURE PEOPLE!! Praise the Lord for even the possiblity!!

Dr. Lim told us that we can do chemotherapy forever and it still wouldn't help the situation. The cancer will always come back and also the chemo will eventually just stop working at all. So his solution is to send Jay for surgery to remove the one and only peanut-size tumor in his belly and then a small round of chemo afterwards to see if we can get him in remission. How awesome is that!!

And when Jay and I discussed, in front of the doctor, our vacation in May and wondered when the surgery would be and how long the recovery would be and what the potential was that we wouldn't be able to take a vacation at all, Jay suddenly thought about it all and got upset and said, "Well, I'm not doing anything until after May!" Dr. Lim took one look at Jay and locked in on his eyes and said very sternly, "We're in the business of saving your life! That's why you're here! If I send you to a surgeon and he says you're going to have surgery next week; you're going to have surgery next week!" Woohoo!! I loved that! A doctor with a real passionfor his patient. That put it in the right perspective for Jay and he surrendered any thoughts of waiting to have surgery.

It was a great day yesterday. Jay received hope. That is all I wanted for him. He deserves to have some hope.

So now we wait for the surgeon's office to call with an appointment and we will take the steps necessary to save Jay's life. I know that this is God's plan for us to be receiving help from City of Hope. I am so thankful to Him for everything that He is doing on our behalf.

I just love my honey and pray that I have many many years with him.

Feeling Thankful

2008-02-28T11:13:00.000-08:00

Hello Family and Friends,

I'm not really sure what has triggered this particular emotion, but today I am feeling very thankful. Thankful for my husband and the fact that I still have him with me. Thankful for my friend Karen and all my friends who make me smile and bring me such joy. And thankful for family who support me and Jay unconditionally. Just thankful...

This morning Jay had a PET/CT scan. The first one since finding out that the one big tumor that was in his belly in August isn't there anymore. I am eager...and hopeful...and a little scared to know the results from today. I want the cancer to be gone so badly. The great thing is, we will go to City of Hope on Tuesday and have them review the results and give them to us. We will see what happens.

Jay is officially on a break from chemotherapy for a few months. If surgery is an option at all and City of Hope wants to perform it, Jay has to be completely off of chemo for at least four weeks. So far he has been off for two weeks, so this was a good time to take a break. His body really needs to recover from the side effects. Jay was so relieved to know that he will have a few months of not having to be injected every other week and not having to take seven chemo pills a day. It made me happy to see him so relieved. He really needed that. And while it still makes me a little nervous that he is not taking the chemo, I am trusting that the Lord will take care of him. Either way, it's out of my hands. I just wait...pray...and deal.

As for me...I have Spring fever!! It is so gorgeous outside today and I am stuck in an office. I want to go out and play and have fun! It is difficult to concentrate when I know that Jay is at home tinkering in the garage or off taking TJ for a run in the park. I want to be there. But, alas, I cannot. Total bummer.

I don't care about anything but having more time with my honey. That's all that matters to me.

Love to all. Pray for Jay...please.

Enjoying a Quiet Sunday

2008-02-17T13:24:00.000-08:00

I want to apologize to everyone who has been asking me for a new entry in my blog. I can’t explain it, but time seems to just get away from me and the next thing I know, a few weeks have gone by without an entry.

So the past couple of weeks have been filled by life transforming us. A few weeks ago, we were being led down the path of life without hope and now we’ve been given permission to live again with our new prognosis gifted to us by our second doctor, but even more important than that…the Lord has given us a miracle. Jay and I have slowly been allowing ourselves to die and now we are feeling alive again. And I know that this may not last forever, but I sure am happy that we have more time than we thought. There is nothing greater than the gift of time.

Anyway, Jay has a PET/CT scan at the end of this month and once we have that information, we are ready to ship our files to City of Hope for review. I’m not sure when we will actually get to meet a doctor, but I am looking forward to that process. I’m sure that Jay’s current oncologist has done the best he can given the fact that he is the only oncologist for hundreds, if not thousands, of patients…but it is time to allow doctors who specialize in many areas of oncology to take a look at Jay’s case and see what they can do for us. It just feels like he will receive better care there and my honey deserves the best care possible. I want no regrets…and this will help me to not have any regrets through this process.

On another note, my niece Alyissa wrote the most beautiful email today and I must share it with everyone. She sent an email to my mother, her Grandma who is her caretaker from the age of 6 months until now in her tweenyears, telling her of what she is thankful for. This is what she said:

what i am thankful for... iam very thankful for my uncle who shows courage and compation and nothing you say will hold him back. Also for my aunt who has been tough and perfect her whole life. I am also very very thank ful for my nana she is the sweetest person. But iam esspecally thanful for my grandma who showed me how to care and how to work hard and i love her and no body is like her. She is the most sweetest person and loving as she is. – Alyissa

This young lady has such a wonderful heart. She loves her Uncle Jay, whom she refers to as having courage and compassion. He is a hero in her eyes, and I have to agree. And then she mentions her Aunt, that would be me, and I don’t know where she gets the idea that I have lived a perfect life, but I am thankful that she looks up to me at all. Her Nana, my Grandmother, who has always been a place of refuge for all of the family. And then Aly mentions my Mom, her Grandmother, who has taken care of her since she was a baby because her parents, my brother and his girlfriend, have never been able to care for Aly the way a child needs to be taken care of.

Aly has seen a lot in her lifetime so far and I am impressed at how she has met every challenge in her life head on. A lot of that has to do with my Mom and how she has helped Aly to cope with her life circumstances. My Mom has seen a lot in her lifetime so she knows what she is talking about. Aly has allowed compassion and empathy to reside in her heart and she has an insight into life that I don’t think I ever had at her age…and I went through a lot as well, but still I don’t think that I understood how life works like Aly does. She is a very special girl. I am so very proud of her. I see a lot of me in her but she is definitely stronger, and impressively, she is her own person. What a comfort to know that there is a person on this earth like her.

City of Hope

2008-01-31T16:46:00.000-08:00

Hello All!

Well, we have been blessed once again with the gift of a referral to City of Hope. We had an appointment with Jay's oncologist the other day and he told us that he was going to refer us to City of Hope for further consultation. Praise God! Now this came, of course, after Dr. S spoke to Dr. O (our second opinion doc and new best friend) on the phone. I believe that this was the true reason why Dr. S has decided to refer us out. I didn't dare think that I was going to get an admission of guilt for not telling us that the tumor in Jay's lower abdomen was gone! But, whatever his reason, it does not matter...I just see it as the Lord guiding us to where we need to be in order to get the best care possible for my honey. Prayer works people! If you've never tried it...you're missing out!

Anyway, this whole thing seems to have done wonders for my guy. His spirits are really lifted and he has found motivation to be active again. It's amazing that if you tell someone that they are really sick, whether they really are or not, they will become sick! The mind is a strange, mysterious and wonderful thing. It is a gift and an awesome creation from God. But, the Lord can transform the mind so that it is not so heavily influenced.

Greg Laurie, my pastor and a wonderful evangelist once said, "Faith over circumstances; NOT mind over matter." I have it written on a post-it and stuck to my monitor at work because it is a solid reminder to me that it is the Lord alone who created our minds and we are to be focused on what He has done for us. It is my faith and not my mind that gets me through this trial. My circumstances do not make me who I am, it is my faith in a God who walks beside me through it all. He formed my heart and He resides in me. He is my strength.

It's hard to say how I would react if I became very sick, and I pray that it never happens...but my bigger prayer would be that the Lord transform my heart and mind to stay focused on Him being in control over everything in my life, including my body, and surrendering it all to Him.

I am just so grateful to my God that loves us so much. There is no greater peace and joy.

Father, thank You for a love that is never ending. I praise Youfor paving the way for Jay and I to go to City of Hope. I lift the insurance up to you and pray that they would cover it. I know above all else, YOU will provide. I lift our circumstances up to You and pray in FAITH that You will help us to overcome our circumstances. I love You, Lord. In Your son's precious name. Amen.

Some Good News

2008-01-27T21:45:00.000-08:00

God is a God of HOPE! Praise the Lord!

Well, I can tell you that we've had some pretty good news as of Friday. We got our second opinion and the opinions of many doctors from the tumor board conference. Basically, what we found out was that the tumor that was in Jay's lower abdomen in the August scan did not show up in the November scan and pathology report. Can you say "What??" And what this means is, Jay's current doctor missed that because he has been telling us that nothing has changed. The tumor was still there and it wasn't any smaller or bigger so no changes and that meant that the chemo is probably not working. I don't know what Jay's doctor was thinking when he read the report, but he was wrong.

So, our second opinion doc and our new best friend, read the report to us and showed us the scans so we could see what he was talking about. Jay and I were so shocked to hear that and we even challenged him and said, "you need to call Dr. S (I will leave his full name out for privacy reasons) and talk to him!" We wanted clarification and we wanted both doctors to be on the same page. So we will see what Dr. S has to say on Tuesday because we have an appointment with him. What did show up on the November scan is a new lesion in Jay's lower left abdomen. So it is the start of another tumor. It is possible to have that one removed surgically...which Dr. S told us that he would never recommend surgery again because of the severity of the first surgery. And our second opinion doc also told us that there are some other forms of treatment and surgery that Jay could be a possible candidate for and one of the procedures could be a potential cure, yes I said cure, for Jay. That is the first time a doctor has ever mentioned "CURE". You should've seen Jay's eyes light up. What a blessing that was! I haven't seen him like that in so long...well...it was B.C....Before Cancer.

Now, of course, we have become very jaded in this process and although we both were given a considerable amount of hope on Friday, we are both really reluctant to put too much of our hearts into it. But, I have to tell you that it renewed my strength to fight on and I'm pretty sure that it did the same for Jay. It was just what we needed to carry on.

We were beginning to think that we didn't have any other options. We even had "the talk" about not knowing how much time we had left together. That was a toughy. But we now realize that even if there isn't a possibility of a cure, there is still a very good chance that Jay could live for many more years on chemotherapy alone. There are so many combinations that we haven't tried and Jay told me that he wants to keep going until he can't any longer. I have let him know on several occasions that all he needs to do is tell me when he has had enough and I will stop trying to find solutions to this. I won't stop until then.

The bottom line is, the Lord is a God of HOPE and he gave us a miracle on Friday. The gift of more time. The Lord is going to work miracles in our lives and I have faith in that and take comfort in it. It may not be miracles by the world's standards, but I know that my God can accomplish so much with very little. I am grateful for the fact that He loves my honey enough to give him more chances to live a full life. We'll see what the Lord has in store for us on this new path that we are journeying. Praise the Lord for the very small word that evokes miracles...HOPE.

Father, I love You and praise You! Thank You for the miracle of hope. I love You and surrender everything I have and everything I am to You. I thank You for the work that You are faithful to complete in me. May You receive the glory. In Jesus precious name. Amen

When The Lord Answers...

2008-01-17T16:41:00.000-08:00

Ephesians 3:20-21 "Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen." NKJV

When the Lord answers, He answers in a BIG way. We're seeking a second opinion and the doctor that has offered to give us an opinion for free, has just informed us that he will be presenting Jay's case to a board of doctors next Thursday so that we may receive counsel from not just one, but many doctors. I don't know how many doctors, but it's more than just one and that makes me so happy. The Lord really is looking out for my Jaybird and He is showing me, and hopefully Jay, that He is in control of this situation. I have a peace in my heart that even I, a believer in Christ, don't understand. And that is exactly how it should be. I don't know what the consensus will be with these doctors, but I've been praying for the Lord to give us an answer that will really tell us without a shadow of a doubt, what path we should take or if we should accept that there may be nothing further that we can do. I believe that we will have that answer very soon. In the meantime, God IS in control and I am leaving it with Him. He is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think!

For those that are praying for us, please pray for the Lord's wisdom for the doctors, peace for Jay, and ultimately the Lord's will be done.

Catching Up

2008-01-16T16:33:00.000-08:00

It has been a while since I have written anything about Jay...and there is good reason for that. I needed time to process all that is happening these days.

Jay went to a doctor appointment the day after we got back from our vacation in Kauai in early December, and I chose to go to work since I had already been gone for a week...a decision that I will have a twinge of regret for the rest of my life. Jay seemed distracted but otherwise fine after his appointment so I didn't think to ask him about or push the issue further.

So fast forward to New Year's Eve...Jay and I are sitting in a restaurant having a lovely time talking about the next vacation that we want to take in May and I made a comment about having to schedule the vacation around his chemotherapy. And then the bomb gets dropped here...Jay says, "Oh don't worry about that, I'll be done with chemo altogether in March." HUH???!! Just very matter-of-fact, oh let's just throw this out there to see how Jamie reacts kind of thing...

Well, it turns out that the day Jay went to the doctor, it was discussed that by March he will have met his tolerance level with the chemotherapy and his body will not tolerate any more, it will completely reject it by then and do more harm to Jay's body. Jay's body is already rejecting the therapy to a certain degree. He is suffering more and more side effects. Nothing severe, or so I thought anyway, but the doctor is still saying that he is going to release him from treatment in March.

So, in talking to Jay about what to do now, Jay has said that he is not done fighting this thing, but his body can't tolerate much more. I asked him if he would be willing to go to City of Hope or something if I can get an approval from our insurance and he said if I can find the doctor who can help him, he would go. So, now my mission...and I choose to accept it...is to find a doctor willing to give us a second opinion and then pray that our insurance will approve it.

Well, after much prayer for the past several days since finding out this information, the Lord has actually provided us with a wonderful doctor willing to give us the second opinion for free. This doctor is a wonderful Christian man and when he found out that we needed help, he was more than willing to help us out. He told me, "Jamie, you are my sister in the Lord andI am not in this for the money. Get me the information and I will review it and give you a second opinion for free." What an AMAZING God I serve!! To receive such a blessing is overwhelming.

Jay and I have both gone through our range of emotions about this decision of the doctor's to stop treatments. Jay has been making a list of all the things that he wants to do. Not necessarily a "bucket list" (all the things you want to do before you kick the bucket) but it is a list of things that he has always wanted to do and now that he is not working, he has more time to plan trips and do the things on his list. I accused him of making a bucket list, but he swears that it's not. Fair enough. It's not. But, I can't help but think about how long the Lord will keep him here..especially if there are no treatments that Jay's body will tolerate. How long can he survive with the cancer still in his body and no chemo to kill it? I try not to go there very often because I want to trust that the Lord has something truly wonderful and miraculous in store for my honey. He could be here for another 15-50 years for all I know. Only God knows the number of our days so I can't focus on that. I can focus, however, on spending all the time I can with Jay and making the most of that time together.

The Lord has given me so many scriptures to hold in my heart so as to not allow me to think about the "what ifs." Psalm 70 and 71 have been particularly helpful.

Psalms 70 Lord Do Not Delay

70:1 For the director of music. Of David. A petition.

Hasten, O God, to save me;O LORD, come quickly to help me. 2 May those who seek my life be put to shame and confusion;may all who desire my ruin be turned back in disgrace. 3 May those who say to me, "Aha! Aha!"turn back because of their shame. 4 But may all who seek you rejoice and be glad in you;may those who love your salvation always say,"Let God be exalted!"
5 Yet I am poor and needy;come quickly to me, O God.You are my help and my deliverer;O LORD, do not delay.

Psalms 71 Forsake Me Not When My Strength Is Spent

71:1
In you, O LORD, I have taken refuge;let me never be put to shame. 2 Rescue me and deliver me in your righteousness;turn your ear to me and save me. 3 Be my rock of refuge,to which I can always go;give the command to save me,for you are my rock and my fortress. 4 Deliver me,O my God, from the hand of the wicked,from the grasp of evil and cruel men.
5 For you have been my hope, O Sovereign LORD,my confidence since my youth. 6 From birth I have relied on you;you brought me forth from my mother's womb.I will ever praise you. 7 I have become like a portent to many,but you are my strong refuge. 8 My mouth is filled with your praise,declaring your splendor all day long.
9 Do not cast me away when I am old;do not forsake me when my strength is gone. 10 For my enemies speak against me;those who wait to kill me conspire together. 11 They say, "God has forsaken him;pursue him and seize him,for no one will rescue him." 12 Be not far from me, O God;come quickly, O my God, to help me. 13 May my accusers perish in shame;may those who want to harm me be covered with scorn and disgrace.
14 But as for me, I will always have hope;I will praise you more and more. 15 My mouth will tell of your righteousness,of your salvation all day long,though I know not its measure. 16 I will come and proclaim your mighty acts, O Sovereign LORD;I will proclaim your righteousness, yours alone. 17 Since my youth, O God, you have taught me,and to this day I declare your marvelous deeds. 18 Even when I am old and gray,do not forsake me, O God,till I declare your power to the next generation,your might to all who are to come.
19 Your righteousness reaches to the skies, O God,you who have done great things.Who, O God, is like you? 20 Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter,you will restore my life again;from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up. 21 You will increase my honor and comfort me once again.
22 I will praise you with the harp for your faithfulness, O my God;I will sing praise to you with the lyre,O Holy One of Israel. 23 My lips will shout for joy when I sing praise to you — I, whom you have redeemed. 24 My tongue will tell of your righteous acts all day long,for those who wanted to harm me have been put to shame and confusion.
NIV

I will carry on with the mission of finding the best care for Jay. He is the love of my life. It is the least I can do. And when I am weak the Lord makes me strong. I can do nothing without Him.

The Passing of A Friend

2007-12-27T14:40:00.000-08:00

Through this journal, I have made many friends...but there is one friend in particular that has touched my life for such a brief period of time, and now she is gone. I stumbled upon Kim's journal, "I Shaved My Legs For This" as I was learning how to journal myself. Kim had breast cancer. At the time that we met, I thought that she would beat it because she had such a fighting spirit. I posted her journal site on my blog so others could click on it and read what a wonderful woman she was.

Unfortunately, Kimmie passed away yesterday...finally ending the horrendous battle with this relentless disease. Kimmie is no longer having to take chemo, radiation and a slew of other so-called treatments. She is out of pain. Out of anguish.

I was blessed to get to know such an amazingly strong woman. She inspired me in so many ways.

For anyone fighting cancer or caring for someone fighting the cancer battle, please go to Kim's journal site and read her entries. You'll be inspired in your own lives to make a difference. I promise you that.

Rest in peace Kimmie. You were loved in this life and will never be forgotten.

An Attitude of Thanksgiving

2007-11-21T19:35:00.000-08:00

So it's the night before Thanksgiving and I have contemplated much. I have been thinking about what I am thankful for. There are a number of things that I can say that I am thankful for...like my friends and family, love, the roof over my head, and on and on. But, what I am most thankful for is cancer. Now don't freak out on me...I'm not saying that I'm thankful that my honey has to deal with the highs and lows of cancer and what it does to him physically. I AM saying that if it weren't for him having this cancer, we wouldn't be so keenly aware of time and just how precious it is. We lived like everyone else before Jay got cancer. We lived our own lives, going about our everyday business just barely making it from one day to the next. He had his hobbies and his job and I had mine. And for a moment on February 1, 2006, all time stopped...suddenly our lives would NEVER be the same.

From that time until now, we have become so close to one another as well as our friends and families. I think it's an amazing way for the Lord to get our attention. God didn't do this to my husband, but He allowed it to happen in order that we may come together in a way that is indescribable unless you're going through it. The bible tells us that we are to "count it all joy" in times of trial. Not meaning that we should be happy that we are going through hard times, but merely that we should seek the blessing in the process. And although I have not always been successful in doing this, today, I am able to see what a gift the Lord has given us. Time...and the full awareness of it. Everything looks, smells and feels completely different now. Everything has become a treasure to me and Jay. We don't take life for granted anymore. We see the importance of making the most of every minute. We are living life; not just existing in it now. So, yes, I am thankful for cancer. This cancer; our cancer; this moment, right now.

I pray that your Thanksgiving will reveal much to you. Cherish every moment.

God Bless.

Stretch Armstrong!

2007-11-09T15:46:00.000-08:00

Do you remember the days of Stretch Armstrong? It was a doll for boys, mainly, but I played with my brother's Stretch Armstrong because I loved the fact that you could totally stretch his arms about four feet! As an adult now, and as a Christian adult, I feel like that crazy doll except that it is the Lord that stretches me and I know that it is for my own good. Really, I'm more like Silly Putty. The stuff that gets rolled up into a little ball and then pounded flat and stretched and molded into shape after shape. Sometimes it can be overwhelming. But mostly, I'm just thankful to be recreated and made new with each new challenge.

These days, life is just a matter of existing one minute to the next. Jay's short term disability finally ran out this past week and I'm on a new quest to get him on permanent disability. I'm taking on the State of California! It's just a matter of surviving the red tape. But, as this challenge has been set before me, the only thing I can think of is I am thankful that I still have a husband to fight for. The Lord is faithful to give me the strength I need to continue in this battle. I need not concern myself because He is my provision and I know for a fact that He has this under control. There is a peace in my heart. So, no matter how long it takes to wade through the red tape, I have the Lord's strength to just keep on paddling.

As for Jay, we just had an appointment with the oncologist and a PET/CT scan is set for next week and an MRI the following week. Jay had a headache when we went for the appointment so the doctor totally gravitated to that immediately. Jay has many sinus headaches from the Avastin he receives through his portacathiter, but the doctor isn't going to take any chances. Well, that and the fact that I pushed for the MRI. The doc doesn't seem worried at all about it and is convinced that there is nothing going on in Jay's head (LOL...nothing going on in his head! I knew it!) but I think if the doc is willing to authorize it, we are better off to rule out all possibility. So, we'll know more information just prior to our trip to Kauai. I'll keep you guys posted.

Life is one constant lesson....and I'm learning.

20 Years Later

2007-11-01T16:56:00.000-07:00

Me and the gang...20 years later!! Look at those sexy girls! And then Darin. Darin was and is still a sweetheart. This is a great group of people. These are people that are going to change the world just by being as wonderful as they are.

Getting Ready - Me (in the middle) and then Julie (left) and Christine(a) (right). None of us know if we should call her ChristinA or ChristinE. In high school she went by Christina. Now that she's a hotshot photographer, she's Christine. So, take your pick.

Me and Tuesdee (Tues) - Friends since 4th grade. First time we've seen each other in 11+ years. No changes except that we all have "Woman Figures."

Okay, so me and my group of friends got together at Christina's house to get ready and then drive down together to Orange County. The event was being held at the House of Blues in Anaheim. Cut to the scene where we are all piled into the car and we're listening to old school rap...I mean OLD SCHOOL...well, 20 year old OLD SCHOOL. Run DMC, etc. It was great. I haven't listened to that music since I was in high school so it was kind of neat to relive the days when I used to actually break dance. Yes, ME, break dancing. Then, not now...obviously.

So we get to the House of Blues and this is the scene...a bar with a bunch of drunk people and finger foods. Pathetic! I paid $90 for this??! It was like the Desperate Housewives of Arlington High School, Class of 1987 decided that they needed a night away from the family so they used our reunion as an excuse to dress up in cocktail dresses cut down to "there" and short enough to see "there" and show off all of their goodies. No thanks. Ugh.

The music was so loud that people didn't feel free to mingle and see where classmates have been for the past 20 years. So, just like in high school, the same groups of people hung out and no one else could feel comfortable joining their little click. So, basically, my little group of friends and I could've saved our money and stayed in Riverside at Christina's house and talked about where we have been in our lives. Thankfully, I have stayed in touch with this particular group of friends over the years so I felt at home with them.

We eventually left the torture chamber that was the House of Blues and went to Denny's, just like we used to do in high school, and sat for hours and talked and laughed.

I have made friendships for a lifetime and I am satisfied with that. I never need to step foot in a reunion again. I am content with where I am at and who I have surrounded myself with. That's all that counts.

I am blessed.

Going Back In Time

2007-10-26T16:21:00.000-07:00

It's time to celebrate my 20 year high school reunion this weekend. Ahhhh 20 years!! It seems like just yesterday that I was in school. I'd like to say that I didn't have a care in the world back then, but that's not so. My school days were filled with all of the anxious life questions that a young girl shouldn't have to think about. Will I have friends? Am I pretty enough? Will I ever have a boyfriend? Will I get good grades? Am I smart enough? Why don't my parents get along? Will I ever do anything important in my life? Can I make a difference?

Throughout my high school career I was filled with such doubt about my ability to fit in and when I managed to mold myself to fit in to certain groups, I still felt so out of place. I had friends who partied and got drunk every weekend...certainly didn't fit in to that group! I had friends who were teachers...didn't fit into that group either. I fit into the jock group as far as sports were concerned, but the jocks were the weekend partiers so I only fit in as far as having the talent to play the chosen sport of the moment. I wasn't popular by any means. I wasn't pretty enough to be a cheerleader or to be on the dance squad, I wasn't smart enough to be in the academic clubs, I wasn't a trouble maker, nor was I adventurous so I couldn't fit in with those who took chances at getting caught doing something stupid like ditching class to go and get wasted...I just simply didn't find my niche. But amazingly I managed to come away with a few friends from each of those groups.

Flash forward 20 years later...in preparing for this reunion...I find myself wondering if I will fit in or if I will be able to relate to that small group of friends that I managed to keep in touch with sporadically over the years. I also wonder what has happened to those few people who managed to make my life a living hell on the school campus. Wondering if they have changed their ways or if they have any regret as to how they treated people who weren't just like them.

But, the Lord is faithful to keep my eyes focused on Him and He is preparing me for a ministry opportunity. I don't need to worry about fitting in. I don't fit in...not to worldly groups. I fit in perfectly to God's eternal plan. That's all I need to worry about. I only need to show the Lord's love that has been extended to me and I will be able to relate to anyone with an open heart. That's all I need to care about. Praise the Lord for His love and acceptance. It is all I need.

Hop On To The E-Ticket Ride

2007-10-19T16:57:00.000-07:00

Do you all remember when Disneyland had tickets for each section of the park? For those of us who are old enough to remember, the E-Tickets were for the fast rides that twisted and turned your stomach into knots. Well, these days, my daily life has been filled with all of the ups and downs as those roller coasters of old. With the news of Jay being on chemotherapy for the rest of his life, I have experienced many emotions...just about every emotion that I think anyone can experience.

There are days when I think, "Okay, no problem, Jay's not super sick right now so I don't need to worry about him." And then there are the days when, well to be perfectly honest, I don't know how long I have on this earth with my honey, and that thought saddens and frightens me beyond any level of those emotions that I've ever experienced and it's all I can do to function as a normal human being. I believe that I've been going through the stages of mourning, even though Jay is basically fine right now. I think I'm mourning the life he thought he'd have, and the life I thought we'd share together for many many years.

The only thing I know to do is to keep praying for healing for Jay, as well as for the Lord's strength for me. I can't live this life without my faith in a Heavenly Father who created everything including Jay and I. I trust that the Lord is guiding the both of us. I am grateful that I need only get down on my knees and allow the Lord to do His work in us. All praise and glory given to Him.

Many blessings have come about as a result of our struggles. Relationships have been mended, new ones begun, and many friends and family have surrounded us with all the love one can handle.

Jay expressed wanting to take a vacation several weeks ago. I happened to tell a friend that we were in need of taking a vacation together and the next thing we knew, we were being given the gift of a condo on the island of Kauai. Wow!!! That was an answered prayer! All we needed to come up with was airfare and food. I shared this HUGE blessing with another friend and the next thing I knew, we had free flights! I shared both of these AMAZING blessings with another friend and the next thing I knew...we had a gift card for food! GOD IS SO AWESOME!!!! It is unbelievable to me that these people love Jay and I so much that they are willing to give up such wonderful gifts. We didn't ask for it, but the Lord knew that we needed to share this special time together so He spoke to the hearts of our beautiful friends...no FAMILY...and used them so mightily to bless us. It is overwhelming.

We are set to fly to Kauai on December 3rd...and let me tell you...it cannot get here soon enough! I am so eager to get away with my baby for a special time of togetherness that we've never experienced. There is so much more meaning to this trip than any other time we've spent together. I am so blessed to be able to do this with the absolute knowledge that we only have so much time on this earth and we are to make the best of every single second.

Don't take time for granted! It is not guaranteed.

Precious Father, words alone will never express how much I love you for your love for us. I can only say thank you with an overwhelmed heart.

The Latest Information on Jay

2007-09-19T16:15:00.000-07:00

Hello All,

Just a quick update on my honey....sorry it has taken me so long to do a journal entry.

Well, first, let me tell you all that Jay is hanging in there and being the strong warrior we all know him to be. Second, the tough part...we saw the oncologist a few weeks ago and Jay's cancer is back again. The scan shows another tumor growing in his abdomen. It's about an inch in diameter. This prompted Jay to ask some very pointed questions and the doctor gave him very direct answers. Jay asked what the likelihood was that the cancer would come back again even if the chemo were to kill this tumor. The doctor's answer? "100% probability. Mr. Hare, there is no cure for this. You will continue to be on chemotherapy to try to keep the cancer at bay for as long as we can." Translation? Jay will be on chemotherapy for the rest of his life. However long that is. No prognosis or anything like that was given because people can live for years and years on chemotherapy. It is known to prolong the life of many cancer patients. The doctor told us that we should look into permanent disability because he won't be able to work while enduring several more rounds of chemotherapy. A tough pill to swallow, but Jay handled it very well and he is doing everything he can to not allow negative thoughts to enter his mind. As for me, well...we can say that my faith is being stretched, even tested, but I know that my God is in control and He will do something so wonderful with this seemingly terrifying situation. I am grasping on tightly to that knowledge.

Jay is keeping busy with fishing trips being planned, days of golf under his belt and just new projects around the house. We are looking at getting a new doggie too! A beautiful six year old male Boxer named "TJ." What a blessing that will be for Jay. For both of us! We need a rambunctious animal to keep us focused on having fun and staying active. You should've seen Jay's face when he met TJ. It was love at first sight. We are going to take Sonny over to meet TJ tonight. Provided Sonny doesn't try to kill TJ (LOL) we will bring TJ home on Saturday. I can't wait!

Well, that's it for now. I will write again soon with more updates and possibly a picture of Jay with TJ.

Love to you all!

Update on Jay

2007-08-07T13:25:00.000-07:00

Hi Everyone!

It has been a while since I've sent out an update on Jay and his progress through the chemotherapy treatments. He is still doing very well. We saw the oncologist today and we had to change the chemo regimen up a little.

A couple of weeks ago Jay had a really bad reaction to one of the chemo drugs called, "Oxalyplatin." It was causing him to have minor problems prior to this last treatment, but two weeks ago Jay had a very serious reaction that caused everyone to stand up and take notice. Today, the doctor stated that we now have conclusive information that it was this particular drug causing the problems so we are now taking the Oxalyplatin (Oxaly for short) out of the mix. In doing this, Jay's time in "the chair" has been narrowed down to a quick 30 minutes from 3 hours and 30 minutes. Jay was quite pleased about that. With this subtraction, comes an addition however, and Jay will now be taking more of his oral chemotherapy pills...Xeloda. It just makes him a bit more tired, but doesn't make him sick to his stomach like the liquid chemo. So, we increase the pills by one additional pill per day for three weeks, then off oral chemo for a week, and then back on for three...and on and on.

Jay is eager to return to work before the end of the year, but I told him that I think he needs to wait until his next scan comes back clean before making any final decisions. We have much to consider, and his health is the most important issue at this point and I don't want him going back to work earlier than he should.

Jay has become the fishing guru, if you will, to a few friends and he has kept himself occupied by acting as a guide on some fishing expeditions and also accepting the role of teacher to another friend who has just discovered the joys of fishing. This has been a real blessing because Jay loves it when he can do something that he is really passionate about and that is fishing, as well as teaching someone how to fish the right way...by honoring the fish and their environment. It is something that he takes pride in, and I'm proud of him for it.

We are both doing just fine. We just celebrated anniversary #15 which was a very important milestone for us, especially given the circumstances of his health. What a blessing it was to be able to spend that time together. He had chemotherapy the day before our actual anniversary so he spent the day in bed, but I was happy to be there with him, laying my head on his chest and listening to his heartbeat. What a blessing. We actually celebrated many days later when he was feeling better. So special, the memories we are creating. I am loving it.

So, my beloved friends and family, that is all for now. Thank you for your prayers...they are felt. Thank you for loving us. We love you all.

Jamie

Happy Anniversary To My Love

2007-07-11T16:32:00.000-07:00

To My One and Only True Love

Happy 15th Anniversary, Honey!! I love you so very much! I am so thankful to the Lord for giving you to me.

Baby, since the moment I saw you 18 years ago, I knew in my heart that I would be with you for the rest of my life. You made my heart skip a beat and butterflies flutter in my stomach. All these years later I may not experience butterflies, but my heart overflows with the love that I have in my heart for you.

I prayed several years ago and asked the Lord to make me fall deeper in love with you, all the while not thinking that it was possible, but He was so faithful to prove me wrong and I continue to fall deeper with each new day. I am overwhelmed with gratitude that He has brought you closer to me and my love for you has grown beyond measure. I cannot imagine my life without you in it.

I walk through this life with you feeling so proud to be your wife and so relieved that you are the one God chose for me. Things have never been perfect, but I have learned that perfection is for God and God alone and that the imperfections and trials that we face together are what create our character and make us stronger in our love for one another.

My Jaybird, 15 years ago I said, “I do,” and today I say, “I WILL.”

I will walk with you through the good and the bad.
I will do all I can to be a good wife.
I will be by your side whenever you need me.
I will take care of you when you are not able.
I will treasure the coming seconds, minutes, hours, and years I have with you.
I will love you until the day that I die.

You are the love of my life. Will you spend eternity with me?

Loving You Forever,

Jamie

Brokenness Leads To His Glory

2007-06-22T10:54:00.000-07:00

It has been quite a while since I have written in my journal and there is good reason for that. I have been busy with work and day-to-day life. Jay has had chemotherapy a couple of times in the past month and while the side effects are lingering a bit longer than past experiences, he is still fighting like the soldier that I have come to admire and love even more with each new day.

It amazes me that we’ve been battling this cancer for a year and a half now. Where did the time go? There are some days when it seems like this experience will never end but just when I start to feel battle weary, we are given some hope. Jay still has about five more treatments to go over the next couple of months, but we have been able to discuss things and come to a collective decision that if his next scan comes out clean, we are going to request to stop treatment. That would make two clean scans in a row and to continue taking the chemotherapy and having to deal with the side effects would just be too much for Jay to handle. It would seem as though we are doing more harm than good at that time. He could certainly use the break that’s for sure.

It has been really odd for me lately, even though Jay is doing well and things are progressing in a positive light, I have still been a bit battle-fatigued. Being responsible to go to work everyday regardless of Jay’s health concerns, handling the finances, and trying to keep up with life circumstances as they are handed to us each and every day have all taken a toll on me. I wish that I could escape from the pressure for just five minutes. But, I know that the Lord is continuing to stretch me and I need to persevere so that I can receive the blessings that He has in mind for us. I am holding on to that time because I know He will be faithful to deliver us from this situation.

I know that brokenness is where the Lord wants us to be so that He may show us His abilities. Not what I think He can do, but what He can PROVE He can do on my behalf. The state of brokenness is when we come to the end ourselves and are ready to surrender all. The glory of the Lord is seen in the transformation of our souls at that very moment of brokenness. It is a visible miracle we are gifted with as we witness Him physically, mentally, and spiritually change us from the inside out.

Check this out:

“Diamonds in the Dust” A devotional by Joni Eareckson Tada

Joni speaks of finding some broken glass in her studio by the window and mentioned how the light was beautifully refracted off of the broken pieces. She goes on to say, “What’s true of shattered glass is true of a broken life. Shattered dreams. A heart full of fissures. Hopes that are splintered. A life in pieces that appears to be ruined. But given time and prayer, such a person’s life can shine more brightly than if the brokenness had never happened. When the light of the Lord Jesus falls upon a shattered life, that believer’s hopes can be brightened.

It’s the nature of things that catch the light: The color and dazzle of light sparkles best through things that are shattered. Only our great God can reach down into what otherwise would be brokenness and produce something beautiful. With Him, nothing is wasted. Every broken dream and heart that hurts can be redeemed by His loving, warm touch. Your life may be shattered by sorrow, pain, or sin, but God has in mind a kaleidoscope through which His light can shine more brilliantly.”

This gift of words from Joni Eareckson Tada gives me so much encouragement. It helps me to remember that this experience with Jay’s cancer will be used to strengthen me and possibly others as I am able to minister to those who have been handed the same set of circumstances. It is my prayer that the Lord’s light will shine through me giving others that small glimpse into what it is like to have Jesus take up residence in the hearts of those who believe.

Heavenly Father, I have struggled, worried and been fearful of the outcome of this whole experience, but You are the One who gives me the strength and courage I need each day to fulfill my responsibilities to You, my husband, my family and friends. I thank You for that and ask that Your spirit continue to be filled afresh in me with each new day. Thank You that in spite of my circumstances, I am able to smile and still feel Your joy. In Jesus’ precious name. Amen.

How Much Is Too Much

2007-05-29T21:32:00.000-07:00

Is there such a thing as loving someone too much? It's a question I ask the Lord all the time. The bible mentions love hundreds, if not thousands of times. I haven't counted, but I know it's in there a whole bunch.

The Word tells us that we are to love others as we would want to be loved...love thy neighbor...God so loved the world, He sent His only begotten son...Greater love has no one than this, that he lay his life down for his friends...and it goes on and on and on. I used to think that I'd be in pretty good shape if I ever reached the point where I could have a love for people that I don't even know, and love the people that I do know with an intensity that the Lord has for us. I am in that place right now.

The love I have for people whether I know them or not is far greater than I could've ever imagined. But, here's the catch that comes with a great love like that...it hurts. When someone cries, you may as well take a knife and stab me right in the heart. It doesn't matter if those tears are out of joy or sorrow, I feel it to the core of my heart. It can be so overwhelming at times. I can only imagine (or maybe not) the magnitude at which the Lord must feel these same emotions. It's too much for a human being.

So, how do I remedy that? Do I stop looking people in the eyes so I don't feel emotion toward them? Do I allow my heart to become hardened just enough to protect myself? Do I just tell myself that no one cares as much as I do, so why bother?

The answers: No...to all of the above. The Lord sent Jesus to die for me. The Lord loves me far more than I will ever love anyone. Even when I turn away from Him, He continues to pursue me and love me. His love for me is unconditional. The very least I can do is try to be more like Him each and every day and if my heart hurts a little due to growing pains, I need to give the pain to Him and allow Him to do a good work in me and stretch my heart to it's very limit and then stretch it some more. I do not want to harden my heart, but rather, I want to grow from one experience and emotion to the next. My heart is what makes me...well,ME. I'm learning to love who that person is.

Father, I thank you for the gift of love. What an incredible emotion. I ask that you grow my heart to hold all of the love that You have given me to express outwardly. Help me to see that I am not weaker because I have so much love to give. Help me to see that it is Your love that I am expressing to others and not my own. Thank You for Your love that is never ending. Thank You that You meet me where I am at. I praise You. In Jesus name. Amen.

The Journey In This Life

2007-05-22T16:30:00.000-07:00

Lost in this Life (for Jamie Hare)

With dawn as my heart begins again to beat

It seems that the path that each day holds

Is just another journey to being lost in this life

Alone.

"For the Son of Man came to seek and to save that which was lost." (Luke 19:10)

It is then the Lord makes His presence known

Through the love and heart of a friend

The journey becomes His - seeking me: I am never

Alone.

-Barbara Van Winkle

(Thank you to my very sweet friend Barbara, who wrote this poem for me. I love you friend.)

These past several days have been overwhelmingly emotional because I have been witness to a miracle. The Lord has given me the gift of my husband's life...whether the cancer is gone forever or just for a time, I refuse to take it for granted. My husband has been granted time and I couldn't be more grateful.

This past weekend, I was scheduled to sing in a choir performance at Calvary Chapel Big Bear. I needed to be up the mountain on Saturday afternoon and we were set to spend the night and perform on Sunday morning. Well, I got up the mountain and had a really bad migraine headache, but stuck it out for the evening as the choir fellowshiped. By the end of the evening, I was homesick and missing my husband desperately. I knew that I had to sleep in an unfamiliar bed without my honey beside me.

I’m 37 years old and I still get home sick! That would just tickle my Grandmother’sfunny bone because there are many instances in my childhood of me going to her house to spend the night with her and she had to turn around and take me home because I changed my mind and cried my eyes out and made her take me home. Thankfully, I have gotten a little more refined in my adult years. Ha ha! Now, I just cry and pout…but I stay where I’m at and don’t go home. :0)

Anyway, the weekend was still fun. The choir performance was a hit. We had a blast on the stage and the congregation seemed to really enjoy themselves. What a blessing. My goal was to go and praise the Lord, literally, and thank Him for the blessing of Jay’s restored health. I was battling internally for a little while, because I missed my honey so much, but I knew that I NEEDED to praise the Lord for His love and mercies. So, praise the Lord I did…with my whole heart! I just let the Holy Spirit take hold of me and I danced and worshiped and didn’t worry if I hit a bad note or two. (okay, I hit more than two bad notes, but I don’t care.)

At this time in this journey of Jay’s health, I am thankful for all of those that have been and continue to lift my guy up in prayer. I would be lost without you! I am grateful to the Lord for Karen, my Sister in the Lord, who has continually carried me in my weakness. Yes, it was the Lord that carried me, but He used her to encourage me! I love you for your strength and beautiful heart, Karen. I am also very thankful to mine and Jay’s parents, my Grandma, and my church family for all of the hugs and love that we’ve been given. We are so abundantly blessed!

And, to my Jaybird, I love you so much that it hurts! I am so proud of you for your strength and courage. You inspire me. You make me want to be a better wife…a better person altogether. You are my hero! You have my heart forever. I will walk with you through whatever life throws our way! It is a privilege being your partner, Baby. I love you with every fiber of my being.

His Healing Touch

2007-05-18T09:04:00.000-07:00

"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows." (James 1:17 NIV)

"'Nevertheless, I will bring health and healing to it; I will heal my people and will let them enjoy abundant peace and security." (Jeremiah 33:6 NIV)

Jay and I got some really wonderful news last night. The oncologist called and told us that the PET/CT scans that Jay just had done on Friday came back clean. It was so awesome to receive that news right as we were walking out the door to go and have dinner with my former staff that I lovingly refer to as "my kids." Now we had a reason to make it a celebration dinner!

Dinner was a blast...it always is. My kids are such great human beings. I love and adore them very much. And my honey loves them too. He really enjoys their company. It was Joy, Ethel, Ron, Holly, Jay and myself. We laughed and brought attention to ourselves because we were loud and having too much fun. It was great! We decided that next month we will meet at Ethel and Joy's house so we can be as loud as we want. We're going to play Nintendo Wii, Dance Dance Revolution, and sing Karaoke...well, they will sing karaoke, not me. I am looking forward to it, no matter what we do. My kids are great and they fill my heart with joy.

I think it finally hit me this morning that Jay's body is showing no signs of cancer. That is a miracle to me. A gift from God. Only time will tell if the cancer will return or not, but right now I'm thinking that I received the miracle that I've been asking the Lord for. It's an overwhelming thought. The enemy wants to come in and take that thought away and fill my head with all of the "what ifs" and doubts that can come with this process, but I will rebuke him and his evil ways and instead, praise my Savior for what He has done which is take the cancer from Jay.

The plan is to continue with the chemotherapy treatments and then at the end of it the doc will do another set of tests. For all of you who are praying for my guy, please pray that the cancer would not return, that Jay would not suffer the severe side effects from the chemotherapy, and that we would return to 100% restored health. And above all else, please join me in praising the Lord for the miracle He has given to us...the miracle of no cancer, as well as the miracle of a stronger love for one another and for the Lord. I never would've imagined that cancer could bring about so many positive circumstances. That is a God-thing!

Abba Father, there are no words...just a swelling heart that overflows with happiness that You have given my honey such a gift. Only You can bring about such a significant change in his body. A simple 'thank you' is not enough for the miracle You have given to us, but it is what I have to offer. I praise Your name. I ask for Your continued protection over Jay's body, that the cancer would never return again. But, I desire Your perfect will to be done in our lives, so I thank You even if this is only for a season. You know what is best for our lives and Your plan is far greater, so I am trusting You to bring Your will to fruition. I love You, Lord. My heart sings because of YOU! In Jesus' precious name. Amen.

A New Day

2007-05-17T12:48:00.000-07:00

"Through the LORD's mercies we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness. "The LORD is my portion," says my soul, "Therefore I hope in Him!" (Lamentations 3:22-24 NKJV)

The past week has been pretty hectic for my Jaybird...and me too. Jay received his first round of IV chemo last Friday. He sat in the chair for 4 1/2 hours. He was pretty drained when he got done. Later that evening, he began to feel very nauseous. We got through to Saturday afternoon and then the chemo really kicked in and he began to vomit. Oh my gosh, it's so much worse than how they portray it in the movies. I guess because I'm not connected to the people in the movies and it's not real, but I am totally connected to my honey and I love him and don't want to see him hurting or sick.

Jay was such a trooper. He kept trying to eat something because he thought that if he could get enough in his belly, that would make him feel better. But every time I gave him something to eat, it came right back up. It was just so sad. I hated to see him so down. He tried so hard not to show any fear or worry to me, but I know he was very concerned as we approached Saturday night and then Sunday and he was still getting sick. I was so worried about him. I didn't sleep much at all last weekend.

Monday morning I took him back to the doctor for IV fluids and anti-nausea meds so that he could recuperate fully. It did the trick. He finally stopped getting sick and was able to hold down some food. Praise the Lord.

All weekend long, I prayed and prayed and prayed and asked the Lord to take the sickness from Jay, but He didn’t do it. I knew that the Lord was with us, but it was difficult to understand that there was a purpose for this experience. The purpose was to draw me closer to Him so that I will lean completely on Him and trust that He knows what is best and has a greater plan for us through this cancer.

My heart was broken as I watched Jay make trip after trip to the bathroom, but with each time, we would come closer together as a couple because he knew that I was there to care for him and I knew that he needed me. I praise God for the closeness that I feel to my husband. This cancer has been a blessing and a curse. My greatest desire is for the Lord to take the cancer away from my honey, but if He’s not willing to do that right now, I am so thankful for the time I get to spend with Jay and for the added dose of love that I feel for him. Sometimes I feel the love overflowing in my heart, so much so that it is actually painful. There is no greater gift that the Lord could have given me.

Jay is doing very well now. Little to no nausea and he's able to eat real food now. He actually went golfing yesterday! I love his spirit. He really is my hero. His next round of chemo is next week so all of you who are praying, please pray that the nurses would get the dosage of anti-nausea medication right so that he won’t be sick, or at least AS SICK as he waslast weekend, as well as for strength and rest for him…and me too.

Heavenly Father, I pray Your hand of healing touch on my Jaybird. Give him continued strength and courage as we journey down this uncertain road. Give me a renewed energy as I minister to him through this treatment process. I praise You, Father, for Your mercies that are new every morning. Thank You for my husband. Thank You for teaching me lessons daily through this experience. I am begging for a miracle, that my husband would be spared from cancer, but Your will be done because I KNOW that Your plan is far greater for Jay's life and mine. Thank You for Your love and comfort. May You be glorified in my daily actions. In Jesus Precious name. Amen.