Update on Jay

Hi Everyone!

It has been a while since I've sent out an update on Jay and his progress through the chemotherapy treatments.  He is still doing very well.  We saw the oncologist today and we had to change the chemo regimen up a little. 

A couple of weeks ago Jay had a really bad reaction to one of the chemo drugs called, "Oxalyplatin."  It was causing him to have minor problems prior to this last treatment, but two weeks ago Jay had a very serious reaction that caused everyone to stand up and take notice.  Today, the doctor stated that we now have conclusive information that it was this particular drug causing the problems so we are now taking the Oxalyplatin (Oxaly for short) out of the mix.  In doing this, Jay's time in "the chair" has been narrowed down to a quick 30 minutes from 3 hours and 30 minutes.  Jay was quite pleased about that.  With this subtraction, comes an addition however, and Jay will now be taking more of his oral chemotherapy pills...Xeloda.  It just makes him a bit more tired, but doesn't make him sick to his stomach like the liquid chemo.  So, we increase the pills by one additional pill per day for three weeks, then off oral chemo for a week, and then back on for three...and on and on. 

Jay is eager to return to work before the end of the year, but I told him that I think he needs to wait until his next scan comes back clean before making any final decisions.  We have much to consider, and his health is the most important issue at this point and I don't want him going back to work earlier than he should.  

Jay has become the fishing guru, if you will, to a few friends and he has kept himself occupied by acting as a guide on some fishing expeditions and also accepting the role of teacher to another friend who has just discovered the joys of fishing.  This has been a real blessing because Jay loves it when he can do something that he is really passionate about and that is fishing, as well as teaching someone how to fish the right way...by honoring the fish and their environment.  It is something that he takes pride in, and I'm proud of him for it. 

We are both doing just fine.  We just celebrated anniversary #15 which was a very important milestone for us, especially given the circumstances of his health.  What a blessing it was to be able to spend that time together.  He had chemotherapy the day before our actual anniversary so he spent the day in bed, but I was happy to be there with him, laying my head on his chest and listening to his heartbeat.  What a blessing.  We actually celebrated many days later when he was feeling better.  So special, the memories we are creating.  I am loving it.

So, my beloved friends and family, that is all for now.  Thank you for your prayers...they are felt.  Thank you for loving us.  We love you all.

Jamie 

Happy Anniversary To My Love

To My One and Only True Love

 

Happy 15th Anniversary, Honey!!  I love you so very much!  I am so thankful to the Lord for giving you to me. 

 

Baby, since the moment I saw you 18 years ago, I knew in my heart that I would be with you for the rest of my life.  You made my heart skip a beat and butterflies flutter in my stomach.  All these years later I may not experience butterflies, but my heart overflows with the love that I have in my heart for you. 

 

I prayed several years ago and asked the Lord to make me fall deeper in love with you, all the while not thinking that it was possible, but He was so faithful to prove me wrong and I continue to fall deeper with each new day.  I am overwhelmed with gratitude that He has brought you closer to me and my love for you has grown beyond measure.  I cannot imagine my life without you in it. 

 

I walk through this life with you feeling so proud to be your wife and so relieved that you are the one God chose for me.  Things have never been perfect, but I have learned  that perfection is for God and God alone and that the imperfections and trials that we face together are what create our character and make us stronger in our love for one another. 

 

My Jaybird, 15 years ago I said, “I do,” and today I say, “I WILL.” 

 

• I will walk with you through the good and the bad.
• I will do all I can to be a good wife.
• I will be by your side whenever you need me.
• I will take care of you when you are not able.
• I will treasure the coming seconds, minutes, hours, and years I have with you.
• I will love you until the day that I die.

 

You are the love of my life.  Will you spend eternity with me?

 

Loving You Forever,

 

Jamie

 

 

Brokenness Leads To His Glory

It has been quite a while since I have written in my journal and there is good reason for that.  I have been busy with work and day-to-day life.  Jay has had chemotherapy a couple of times in the past month and while the side effects are lingering a bit longer than past experiences, he is still fighting like the soldier that I have come to admire and love even more with each new day.

 

It amazes me that we’ve been battling this cancer for a year and a half now.  Where did the time go?  There are some days when it seems like this experience will never end but just when I start to feel battle weary, we are given some hope.  Jay still has about five more treatments to go over the next couple of months, but we have been able to discuss things and come to a collective decision that if his next scan comes out clean, we are going to request to stop treatment.  That would make two clean scans in a row and to continue taking the chemotherapy and having to deal with the side effects would just be too much for Jay to handle.  It would seem as though we are doing more harm than good at that time.  He could certainly use the break that’s for sure.

 

It has been really odd for me lately, even though Jay is doing well and things are progressing in a positive light, I have still been a bit battle-fatigued.  Being responsible to go to work everyday regardless of Jay’s health concerns, handling the finances, and trying to keep up with life circumstances as they are handed to us each and every day have all taken a toll on me.  I wish that I could escape from the pressure for just five minutes.  But, I know that the Lord is continuing to stretch me and I need to persevere so that I can receive the blessings that He has in mind for us.  I am holding on to that time because I know He will be faithful to deliver us from this situation.

 

I know that brokenness is where the Lord wants us to be so that He may show us His abilities.  Not what I think He can do, but what He can PROVE He can do on my behalf.  The state of brokenness is when we come to the end ourselves and are ready to surrender all.  The glory of the Lord is seen in the transformation of our souls at that very moment of brokenness.  It is a visible miracle we are gifted with as we witness Him physically, mentally, and spiritually change us from the inside out.

 

Check this out:

 

“Diamonds in the Dust” A devotional by Joni Eareckson Tada 

 

Joni speaks of finding some broken glass in her studio by the window and mentioned how the light was beautifully refracted off of the broken pieces.  She goes on to say, “What’s true of shattered glass is true of a broken life.  Shattered dreams.  A heart full of fissures.  Hopes that are splintered.  A life in pieces that appears to be ruined.  But given time and prayer, such a person’s life can shine more brightly than if the brokenness had never happened.  When the light of the Lord Jesus falls upon a shattered life, that believer’s hopes can be brightened. 

 

It’s the nature of things that catch the light: The color and dazzle of light sparkles best through things that are shattered.  Only our great God can reach down into what otherwise would be brokenness and produce something beautiful.  With Him, nothing is wasted.  Every broken dream and heart that hurts can be redeemed by His loving, warm touch.  Your life may be shattered by sorrow, pain, or sin, but God has in mind a kaleidoscope through which His light can shine more brilliantly.”

 

This gift of words from Joni Eareckson Tada gives me so much encouragement.  It helps me to remember that this experience with Jay’s cancer will be used to strengthen me and possibly others as I am able to minister to those who have been handed the same set of circumstances.  It is my prayer that the Lord’s light will shine through me giving others that small glimpse into what it is like to have Jesus take up residence in the hearts of those who believe.

 

Heavenly Father, I have struggled, worried and been fearful of the outcome of this whole experience, but You are the One who gives me the strength and courage I need each day to fulfill my responsibilities to You, my husband, my family and friends.  I thank You for that and ask that Your spirit continue to be filled afresh in me with each new day.  Thank You that in spite of my circumstances, I am able to smile and still feel Your joy.  In Jesus’ precious name. Amen.

How Much Is Too Much

Is there such a thing as loving someone too much?  It's a question I ask the Lord all the time.  The bible mentions love hundreds, if not thousands of times.  I haven't counted, but I know it's in there a whole bunch.

The Word tells us that we are to love others as we would want to be loved...love thy neighbor...God so loved the world, He sent His only begotten son...Greater love has no one than this, that he lay his life down for his friends...and it goes on and on and on.  I used to think that I'd be in pretty good shape if I ever reached the point where I could have a love for people that I don't even know, and love the people that I do know with an intensity that the Lord has for us.  I am in that place right now. 

The love I have for people whether I know them or not is far greater than I could've ever imagined.  But, here's the catch that comes with a great love like that...it hurts.  When someone cries, you may as well take a knife and stab me right in the heart.  It doesn't matter if those tears are out of joy or sorrow, I feel it to the core of my heart.  It can be so overwhelming at times.  I can only imagine (or maybe not) the magnitude at which the Lord must feel these same emotions.  It's too much for a human being.

So, how do I remedy that?  Do I stop looking people in the eyes so I don't feel emotion toward them?  Do I allow my heart to become hardened just enough to protect myself?  Do I just tell myself that no one cares as much as I do, so why bother?

The answers: No...to all of the above.  The Lord sent Jesus to die for me.  The Lord loves me far more than I will ever love anyone.  Even when I turn away from Him, He continues to pursue me and love me. His love for me is unconditional.  The very least I can do is try to be more like Him each and every day and if my heart hurts a little due to growing pains, I need to give the pain to Him and allow Him to do a good work in me and stretch my heart to it's very limit and then stretch it some more.  I do not want to harden my heart, but rather, I want to grow from one experience and emotion to the next.  My heart is what makes me...well,ME.  I'm learning to love who that person is.

Father, I thank you for the gift of love.  What an incredible emotion.  I ask that you grow my heart to hold all of the love that You have given me to express outwardly.  Help me to see that I am not weaker because I have so much love to give.  Help me to see that it is Your love that I am expressing to others and not my own.  Thank You for Your love that is never ending.  Thank You that You meet me where I am at.  I praise You.  In Jesus name.  Amen.

 

  

The Journey In This Life

Lost in this Life (for Jamie Hare)

With dawn as my heart begins again to beat

It seems that the path that each day holds

Is just another journey to being lost in this life

Alone.

"For the Son of Man came to seek and to save that which was lost." (Luke 19:10)  

It is then the Lord makes His presence known  

Through the love and heart of a friend  

The journey becomes His - seeking me: I am never

Alone.

-Barbara Van Winkle

(Thank you to my very sweet friend Barbara, who wrote this poem for me.  I love you friend.)

These past several days have been overwhelmingly emotional because I have been witness to a miracle.  The Lord has given me the gift of my husband's life...whether the cancer is gone forever or just for a time, I refuse to take it for granted.  My husband has been granted time and I couldn't be more grateful. 

 

This past weekend, I was scheduled to sing in a choir performance at Calvary Chapel Big Bear.  I needed to be up the mountain on Saturday afternoon and we were set to spend the night and perform on Sunday morning.  Well, I got up the mountain and had a really bad migraine headache, but stuck it out for the evening as the choir fellowshiped.  By the end of the evening, I was homesick and missing my husband desperately.  I knew that I had to sleep in an unfamiliar bed without my honey beside me. 

 

I’m 37 years old and I still get home sick! That would just tickle my Grandmother’sfunny bone because there are many instances in my childhood of me going to her house to spend the night with her and she had to turn around and take me home because I changed my mind and cried my eyes out and made her take me home. Thankfully, I have gotten a little more refined in my adult years. Ha ha!  Now, I just cry and pout…but I stay where I’m at and don’t go home.  :0)

 

Anyway, the weekend was still fun.  The choir performance was a hit.  We had a blast on the stage and the congregation seemed to really enjoy themselves.  What a blessing.  My goal was to go and praise the Lord, literally, and thank Him for the blessing of Jay’s restored health.  I was battling internally for a little while, because I missed my honey so much, but I knew that I NEEDED to praise the Lord for His love and mercies.  So, praise the Lord I did…with my whole heart!  I just let the Holy Spirit take hold of me and I danced and worshiped and didn’t worry if I hit a bad note or two. (okay, I hit more than two bad notes, but I don’t care.)

 

At this time in this journey of Jay’s health, I am thankful for all of those that have been and continue to lift my guy up in prayer.  I would be lost without you!  I am grateful to the Lord for Karen, my Sister in the Lord, who has continually carried me in my weakness.  Yes, it was the Lord that carried me, but He used her to encourage me! I love you for your strength and beautiful heart, Karen.  I am also very thankful to mine and Jay’s parents, my Grandma, and my church family for all of the hugs and love that we’ve been given.  We are so abundantly blessed!

 

And, to my Jaybird, I love you so much that it hurts!  I am so proud of you for your strength and courage.  You inspire me.  You make me want to be a better wife…a better person altogether.  You are my hero!  You have my heart forever.  I will walk with you through whatever life throws our way!  It is a privilege being your partner, Baby.  I love you with every fiber of my being. 

 

 

His Healing Touch

"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows."  (James 1:17 NIV)

 

"'Nevertheless, I will bring health and healing to it; I will heal my people and will let them enjoy abundant peace and security." (Jeremiah 33:6 NIV)

Jay and I got some really wonderful news last night.  The oncologist called and told us that the PET/CT scans that Jay just had done on Friday came back clean.  It was so awesome to receive that news right as we were walking out the door to go and have dinner with my former staff that I lovingly refer to as "my kids."  Now we had a reason to make it a celebration dinner! 

Dinner was a blast...it always is.  My kids are such great human beings.  I love and adore them very much.  And my honey loves them too.  He really enjoys their company.  It was Joy, Ethel, Ron, Holly, Jay and myself.  We laughed and brought attention to ourselves because we were loud and having too much fun.  It was great! We decided that next month we will meet at Ethel and Joy's house so we can be as loud as we want.  We're going to play Nintendo Wii, Dance Dance Revolution, and sing Karaoke...well, they will sing karaoke, not me.  I am looking forward to it, no matter what we do.  My kids are great and they fill my heart with joy.

I think it finally hit me this morning that Jay's body is showing no signs of cancer.  That is a miracle to me.  A gift from God.  Only time will tell if the cancer will return or not, but right now I'm thinking that I received the miracle that I've been asking the Lord for.  It's an overwhelming thought.  The enemy wants to come in and take that thought away and fill my head with all of the "what ifs" and doubts that can come with this process, but I will rebuke him and his evil ways and instead, praise my Savior for what He has done which is take the cancer from Jay.

The plan is to continue with the chemotherapy treatments and then at the end of it the doc will do another set of tests.  For all of you who are praying for my guy, please pray that the cancer would not return, that Jay would not suffer the severe side effects from the chemotherapy, and that we would return to 100% restored health.  And above all else, please join me in praising the Lord for the miracle He has given to us...the miracle of no cancer, as well as the miracle of a stronger love for one another and for the Lord.  I never would've imagined that cancer could bring about so many positive circumstances.  That is a God-thing!

Abba Father, there are no words...just a swelling heart that overflows with happiness that You have given my honey such a gift.  Only You can bring about such a significant change in his body.  A simple 'thank you' is not enough for the miracle You have given to us, but it is what I have to offer.  I praise Your name.  I ask for Your continued protection over Jay's body, that the cancer would never return again.  But, I desire Your perfect will to be done in our lives, so I thank You even if this is only for a season.  You know what is best for our lives and Your plan is far greater, so I am trusting You to bring Your will to fruition.  I love You, Lord.  My heart sings because of YOU!  In Jesus' precious name.  Amen.

A New Day

"Through the LORD's mercies we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not.  They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness.  "The LORD is my portion," says my soul, "Therefore I hope in Him!" (Lamentations 3:22-24 NKJV)

The past week has been pretty hectic for my Jaybird...and me too.  Jay received his first round of IV chemo last Friday.  He sat in the chair for 4 1/2 hours.  He was pretty drained when he got done.  Later that evening, he began to feel very nauseous.  We got through to Saturday afternoon and then the chemo really kicked in and he began to vomit.  Oh my gosh, it's so much worse than how they portray it in the movies.  I guess because I'm not connected to the people in the movies and it's not real, but I am totally connected to my honey and I love him and don't want to see him hurting or sick. 

Jay was such a trooper.  He kept trying to eat something because he thought that if he could get enough in his belly, that would make him feel better.  But every time I gave him something to eat, it came right back up.  It was just so sad.  I hated to see him so down.  He tried so hard not to show any fear or worry to me, but I know he was very concerned as we approached Saturday night and then Sunday and he was still getting sick.  I was so worried about him.  I didn't sleep much at all last weekend.

Monday morning I took him back to the doctor for IV fluids and anti-nausea meds so that he could recuperate fully.  It did the trick.  He finally stopped getting sick and was able to hold down some food.  Praise the Lord.

All weekend long, I prayed and prayed and prayed and asked the Lord to take the sickness from Jay, but He didn’t do it.  I knew that the Lord was with us, but it was difficult to understand that there was a purpose for this experience.  The purpose was to draw me closer to Him so that I will lean completely on Him and trust that He knows what is best and has a greater plan for us through this cancer. 

My heart was broken as I watched Jay make trip after trip to the bathroom, but with each time, we would come closer together as a couple because he knew that I was there to care for him and I knew that he needed me.  I praise God for the closeness that I feel to my husband.  This cancer has been a blessing and a curse.  My greatest desire is for the Lord to take the cancer away from my honey, but if He’s not willing to do that right now, I am so thankful for the time I get to spend with Jay and for the added dose of love that I feel for him.  Sometimes I feel the love overflowing in my heart, so much so that it is actually painful.  There is no greater gift that the Lord could have given me.

Jay is doing very well now.  Little to no nausea and he's able to eat real food now.  He actually went golfing yesterday!  I love his spirit.  He really is my hero.  His next round of chemo is next week so all of you who are praying, please pray that the nurses would get the dosage of anti-nausea medication right so that he won’t be sick, or at least AS SICK as he waslast weekend, as well as for strength and rest for him…and me too.

Heavenly Father, I pray Your hand of healing touch on my Jaybird.  Give him continued strength and courage as we journey down this uncertain road.  Give me a renewed energy as I minister to him through this treatment process.  I praise You, Father, for Your mercies that are new every morning.  Thank You for my husband.  Thank You for teaching me lessons daily through this experience.  I am begging for a miracle, that my husband would be spared from cancer, but Your will be done because I KNOW that Your plan is far greater for Jay's life and mine.  Thank You for Your love and comfort.  May You be glorified in my daily actions.  In Jesus Precious name.  Amen.