Going Back In Time

It's time to celebrate my 20 year high school reunion this weekend.  Ahhhh 20 years!! It seems like just yesterday that I was in school.  I'd like to say that I didn't have a care in the world back then, but that's not so.  My school days were filled with all of the anxious life questions that a young girl shouldn't have to think about.  Will I have friends?  Am I pretty enough?  Will I ever have a boyfriend?  Will I get good grades?  Am I smart enough?  Why don't my parents get along?  Will I ever do anything important in my life?  Can I make a difference? 

Throughout my high school career I was filled with such doubt about my ability to fit in and when I managed to mold myself to fit in to certain groups, I still felt so out of place.  I had friends who partied and got drunk every weekend...certainly didn't fit in to that group!  I had friends who were teachers...didn't fit into that group either.  I fit into the jock group as far as sports were concerned, but the jocks were the weekend partiers so I only fit in as far as having the talent to play the chosen sport of the moment.  I wasn't popular by any means.  I wasn't pretty enough to be a cheerleader or to be on the dance squad, I wasn't smart enough to be in the academic clubs, I wasn't a trouble maker, nor was I adventurous so I couldn't fit in with those who took chances at getting caught doing something stupid like ditching class to go and get wasted...I just simply didn't find my niche.  But amazingly I managed to come away with a few friends from each of those groups. 

Flash forward 20 years later...in preparing for this reunion...I find myself wondering if I will fit in or if I will be able to relate to that small group of friends that I managed to keep in touch with sporadically over the years.  I also wonder what has happened to those few people who managed to make my life a living hell on the school campus.  Wondering if they have changed their ways or if they have any regret as to how they treated people who weren't just like them. 

But, the Lord is faithful to keep my eyes focused on Him and He is preparing me for a ministry opportunity.  I don't need to worry about fitting in. I don't fit in...not to worldly groups.  I fit in perfectly to God's eternal plan.  That's all I need to worry about.  I only need to show the Lord's love that has been extended to me and I will be able to relate to anyone with an open heart.  That's all I need to care about.  Praise the Lord for His love and acceptance.  It is all I need.

 

Hop On To The E-Ticket Ride

Do you all remember when Disneyland had tickets for each section of the park?  For those of us who are old enough to remember, the E-Tickets were for the fast rides that twisted and turned your stomach into knots.  Well, these days, my daily life has been filled with all of the ups and downs as those roller coasters of old.  With the news of Jay being on chemotherapy for the rest of his life, I have experienced many emotions...just about every emotion that I think anyone can experience.

There are days when I think, "Okay, no problem, Jay's not super sick right now so I don't need to worry about him."  And then there are the days when, well to be perfectly honest, I don't know how long I have on this earth with my honey, and that thought saddens and frightens me beyond any level of those emotions that I've ever experienced and it's all I can do to function as a normal human being.  I believe that I've been going through the stages of mourning, even though Jay is basically fine right now.  I think I'm mourning the life he thought he'd have, and the life I thought we'd share together for many many years. 

The only thing I know to do is to keep praying for healing for Jay, as well as for the Lord's strength for me.  I can't live this life without my faith in a Heavenly Father who created everything including Jay and I.  I trust that the Lord is guiding the both of us.  I am grateful that I need only get down on my knees and allow the Lord to do His work in us.  All praise and glory given to Him.

Many blessings have come about as a result of our struggles.  Relationships have been mended, new ones begun, and many friends and family have surrounded us with all the love one can handle. 

Jay expressed wanting to take a vacation several weeks ago.  I happened to tell a friend that we were in need of taking a vacation together and the next thing we knew, we were being given the gift of a condo on the island of Kauai.  Wow!!!  That was an answered prayer!  All we needed to come up with was airfare and food.  I shared this HUGE blessing with another friend and the next thing I knew, we had free flights!  I shared both of these AMAZING blessings with another friend and the next thing I knew...we had a gift card for food!  GOD IS SO AWESOME!!!!  It is unbelievable to me that these people love Jay and I so much that they are willing to give up such wonderful gifts.  We didn't ask for it, but the Lord knew that we needed to share this special time together so He spoke to the hearts of our beautiful friends...no FAMILY...and used them so mightily to bless us.  It is overwhelming.

We are set to fly to Kauai on December 3rd...and let me tell you...it cannot get here soon enough!  I am so eager to get away with my baby for a special time of togetherness that we've never experienced.  There is so much more meaning to this trip than any other time we've spent together.  I am so blessed to be able to do this with the absolute knowledge that we only have so much time on this earth and we are to make the best of every single second.

Don't take time for granted!  It is not guaranteed.

Precious Father, words alone will never express how much I love you for your love for us.  I can only say thank you with an overwhelmed heart.

The Latest Information on Jay

Hello All,

Just a quick update on my honey....sorry it has taken me so long to do a journal entry.

Well, first, let me tell you all that Jay is hanging in there and being the strong warrior we all know him to be.  Second, the tough part...we saw the oncologist a few weeks ago and Jay's cancer is back again.  The scan shows another tumor growing in his abdomen.  It's about an inch in diameter.  This prompted Jay to ask some very pointed questions and the doctor gave him very direct answers.  Jay asked what the likelihood was that the cancer would come back again even if the chemo were to kill this tumor.  The doctor's answer?  "100% probability.  Mr. Hare, there is no cure for this.  You will continue to be on chemotherapy to try to keep the cancer at bay for as long as we can."  Translation? Jay will be on chemotherapy for the rest of his life.  However long that is.  No prognosis or anything like that was given because people can live for years and years on chemotherapy.  It is known to prolong the life of many cancer patients.  The doctor told us that we should look into permanent disability because he won't be able to work while enduring several more rounds of chemotherapy.  A tough pill to swallow, but Jay handled it very well and he is doing everything he can to not allow negative thoughts to enter his mind.  As for me, well...we can say that my faith is being stretched, even tested, but I know that my God is in control and He will do something so wonderful with this seemingly terrifying situation.  I am grasping on tightly to that knowledge.

Jay is keeping busy with fishing trips being planned, days of golf under his belt and just new projects around the house.  We are looking at getting a new doggie too!  A beautiful six year old male Boxer named "TJ."  What a blessing that will be for Jay.  For both of us!  We need a rambunctious animal to keep us focused on having fun and staying active.  You should've seen Jay's face when he met TJ.  It was love at first sight.  We are going to take Sonny over to meet TJ tonight.  Provided Sonny doesn't try to kill TJ (LOL) we will bring TJ home on Saturday.  I can't wait!

Well, that's it for now.  I will write again soon with more updates and possibly a picture of Jay with TJ.

Love to you all!

Update on Jay

Hi Everyone!

It has been a while since I've sent out an update on Jay and his progress through the chemotherapy treatments.  He is still doing very well.  We saw the oncologist today and we had to change the chemo regimen up a little. 

A couple of weeks ago Jay had a really bad reaction to one of the chemo drugs called, "Oxalyplatin."  It was causing him to have minor problems prior to this last treatment, but two weeks ago Jay had a very serious reaction that caused everyone to stand up and take notice.  Today, the doctor stated that we now have conclusive information that it was this particular drug causing the problems so we are now taking the Oxalyplatin (Oxaly for short) out of the mix.  In doing this, Jay's time in "the chair" has been narrowed down to a quick 30 minutes from 3 hours and 30 minutes.  Jay was quite pleased about that.  With this subtraction, comes an addition however, and Jay will now be taking more of his oral chemotherapy pills...Xeloda.  It just makes him a bit more tired, but doesn't make him sick to his stomach like the liquid chemo.  So, we increase the pills by one additional pill per day for three weeks, then off oral chemo for a week, and then back on for three...and on and on. 

Jay is eager to return to work before the end of the year, but I told him that I think he needs to wait until his next scan comes back clean before making any final decisions.  We have much to consider, and his health is the most important issue at this point and I don't want him going back to work earlier than he should.  

Jay has become the fishing guru, if you will, to a few friends and he has kept himself occupied by acting as a guide on some fishing expeditions and also accepting the role of teacher to another friend who has just discovered the joys of fishing.  This has been a real blessing because Jay loves it when he can do something that he is really passionate about and that is fishing, as well as teaching someone how to fish the right way...by honoring the fish and their environment.  It is something that he takes pride in, and I'm proud of him for it. 

We are both doing just fine.  We just celebrated anniversary #15 which was a very important milestone for us, especially given the circumstances of his health.  What a blessing it was to be able to spend that time together.  He had chemotherapy the day before our actual anniversary so he spent the day in bed, but I was happy to be there with him, laying my head on his chest and listening to his heartbeat.  What a blessing.  We actually celebrated many days later when he was feeling better.  So special, the memories we are creating.  I am loving it.

So, my beloved friends and family, that is all for now.  Thank you for your prayers...they are felt.  Thank you for loving us.  We love you all.

Jamie 

Happy Anniversary To My Love

To My One and Only True Love

 

Happy 15th Anniversary, Honey!!  I love you so very much!  I am so thankful to the Lord for giving you to me. 

 

Baby, since the moment I saw you 18 years ago, I knew in my heart that I would be with you for the rest of my life.  You made my heart skip a beat and butterflies flutter in my stomach.  All these years later I may not experience butterflies, but my heart overflows with the love that I have in my heart for you. 

 

I prayed several years ago and asked the Lord to make me fall deeper in love with you, all the while not thinking that it was possible, but He was so faithful to prove me wrong and I continue to fall deeper with each new day.  I am overwhelmed with gratitude that He has brought you closer to me and my love for you has grown beyond measure.  I cannot imagine my life without you in it. 

 

I walk through this life with you feeling so proud to be your wife and so relieved that you are the one God chose for me.  Things have never been perfect, but I have learned  that perfection is for God and God alone and that the imperfections and trials that we face together are what create our character and make us stronger in our love for one another. 

 

My Jaybird, 15 years ago I said, “I do,” and today I say, “I WILL.” 

 

• I will walk with you through the good and the bad.
• I will do all I can to be a good wife.
• I will be by your side whenever you need me.
• I will take care of you when you are not able.
• I will treasure the coming seconds, minutes, hours, and years I have with you.
• I will love you until the day that I die.

 

You are the love of my life.  Will you spend eternity with me?

 

Loving You Forever,

 

Jamie

 

 

Brokenness Leads To His Glory

It has been quite a while since I have written in my journal and there is good reason for that.  I have been busy with work and day-to-day life.  Jay has had chemotherapy a couple of times in the past month and while the side effects are lingering a bit longer than past experiences, he is still fighting like the soldier that I have come to admire and love even more with each new day.

 

It amazes me that we’ve been battling this cancer for a year and a half now.  Where did the time go?  There are some days when it seems like this experience will never end but just when I start to feel battle weary, we are given some hope.  Jay still has about five more treatments to go over the next couple of months, but we have been able to discuss things and come to a collective decision that if his next scan comes out clean, we are going to request to stop treatment.  That would make two clean scans in a row and to continue taking the chemotherapy and having to deal with the side effects would just be too much for Jay to handle.  It would seem as though we are doing more harm than good at that time.  He could certainly use the break that’s for sure.

 

It has been really odd for me lately, even though Jay is doing well and things are progressing in a positive light, I have still been a bit battle-fatigued.  Being responsible to go to work everyday regardless of Jay’s health concerns, handling the finances, and trying to keep up with life circumstances as they are handed to us each and every day have all taken a toll on me.  I wish that I could escape from the pressure for just five minutes.  But, I know that the Lord is continuing to stretch me and I need to persevere so that I can receive the blessings that He has in mind for us.  I am holding on to that time because I know He will be faithful to deliver us from this situation.

 

I know that brokenness is where the Lord wants us to be so that He may show us His abilities.  Not what I think He can do, but what He can PROVE He can do on my behalf.  The state of brokenness is when we come to the end ourselves and are ready to surrender all.  The glory of the Lord is seen in the transformation of our souls at that very moment of brokenness.  It is a visible miracle we are gifted with as we witness Him physically, mentally, and spiritually change us from the inside out.

 

Check this out:

 

“Diamonds in the Dust” A devotional by Joni Eareckson Tada 

 

Joni speaks of finding some broken glass in her studio by the window and mentioned how the light was beautifully refracted off of the broken pieces.  She goes on to say, “What’s true of shattered glass is true of a broken life.  Shattered dreams.  A heart full of fissures.  Hopes that are splintered.  A life in pieces that appears to be ruined.  But given time and prayer, such a person’s life can shine more brightly than if the brokenness had never happened.  When the light of the Lord Jesus falls upon a shattered life, that believer’s hopes can be brightened. 

 

It’s the nature of things that catch the light: The color and dazzle of light sparkles best through things that are shattered.  Only our great God can reach down into what otherwise would be brokenness and produce something beautiful.  With Him, nothing is wasted.  Every broken dream and heart that hurts can be redeemed by His loving, warm touch.  Your life may be shattered by sorrow, pain, or sin, but God has in mind a kaleidoscope through which His light can shine more brilliantly.”

 

This gift of words from Joni Eareckson Tada gives me so much encouragement.  It helps me to remember that this experience with Jay’s cancer will be used to strengthen me and possibly others as I am able to minister to those who have been handed the same set of circumstances.  It is my prayer that the Lord’s light will shine through me giving others that small glimpse into what it is like to have Jesus take up residence in the hearts of those who believe.

 

Heavenly Father, I have struggled, worried and been fearful of the outcome of this whole experience, but You are the One who gives me the strength and courage I need each day to fulfill my responsibilities to You, my husband, my family and friends.  I thank You for that and ask that Your spirit continue to be filled afresh in me with each new day.  Thank You that in spite of my circumstances, I am able to smile and still feel Your joy.  In Jesus’ precious name. Amen.

How Much Is Too Much

Is there such a thing as loving someone too much?  It's a question I ask the Lord all the time.  The bible mentions love hundreds, if not thousands of times.  I haven't counted, but I know it's in there a whole bunch.

The Word tells us that we are to love others as we would want to be loved...love thy neighbor...God so loved the world, He sent His only begotten son...Greater love has no one than this, that he lay his life down for his friends...and it goes on and on and on.  I used to think that I'd be in pretty good shape if I ever reached the point where I could have a love for people that I don't even know, and love the people that I do know with an intensity that the Lord has for us.  I am in that place right now. 

The love I have for people whether I know them or not is far greater than I could've ever imagined.  But, here's the catch that comes with a great love like that...it hurts.  When someone cries, you may as well take a knife and stab me right in the heart.  It doesn't matter if those tears are out of joy or sorrow, I feel it to the core of my heart.  It can be so overwhelming at times.  I can only imagine (or maybe not) the magnitude at which the Lord must feel these same emotions.  It's too much for a human being.

So, how do I remedy that?  Do I stop looking people in the eyes so I don't feel emotion toward them?  Do I allow my heart to become hardened just enough to protect myself?  Do I just tell myself that no one cares as much as I do, so why bother?

The answers: No...to all of the above.  The Lord sent Jesus to die for me.  The Lord loves me far more than I will ever love anyone.  Even when I turn away from Him, He continues to pursue me and love me. His love for me is unconditional.  The very least I can do is try to be more like Him each and every day and if my heart hurts a little due to growing pains, I need to give the pain to Him and allow Him to do a good work in me and stretch my heart to it's very limit and then stretch it some more.  I do not want to harden my heart, but rather, I want to grow from one experience and emotion to the next.  My heart is what makes me...well,ME.  I'm learning to love who that person is.

Father, I thank you for the gift of love.  What an incredible emotion.  I ask that you grow my heart to hold all of the love that You have given me to express outwardly.  Help me to see that I am not weaker because I have so much love to give.  Help me to see that it is Your love that I am expressing to others and not my own.  Thank You for Your love that is never ending.  Thank You that You meet me where I am at.  I praise You.  In Jesus name.  Amen.