God's Miracles and Mercy

This whole miracle thing has had me befuddled, bewildered, and just plain confused...

Let me explain a little better...Jay's scan came back clean.  The miracle carries on!  Praise the Lord.  And this entire time of Jay's recovery, (and let's face it...mine too.) I have been in awe of what God has chosen to do for us...give us a cure...give us a break...give us LIFE!  Throughout the nine weeks since Jay's surgery, I have asked the Lord, "Why would you give us this miracle?"  Yes, I'm sure it's crazy to ask the Lord a "why" question when He has given me a gift from His heart.  But, actually, I'm not crazy at all.  Yesterday, the answer was made very clear to me in a message given by one of the pastors at my church. 

He spoke of Thomas, of "Doubting Thomas" fame, and how Thomas got his name.  Thomas was not afraid to ask the silly, trivial, or even dumb questions.  He was not prideful and afraid of looking stupid.  He was dedicated to the calling of Jesus.  He was willing to follow Jesus wherever He went in order to proclaim Him as the Messiah.  Thomas was willing to die for his savior.  When the disciples couldn't make sense of anything and they were too afraid to ask the necessary questions, Thomas was not afraid to step up and say that he was confused.

Jesus was crucified on the cross and His body was finally laid to rest in the tomb and the disciples were to try and carry on without their Leader.  The disciples were assembled one day and Jesus appeared to them...all except Thomas.  When the disciples told Thomas about Jesus appearing to them, he was reluctant to believe.  Thomas said, "Unless I see in his hands the mark of the nails, and place my finger into the mark of the nails, and place my hand into his side, I will never believe."  (Luke 20:25b)  Thomas could just not wrap his head around what Jesus had done and that He would be resurrected.

Eight days later, Jesus appeared to the disciples again and this time, Thomas was there!  Jesus went to Thomas and said, "Put your finger here, and see my hands; and put out your hand, and place it in my side.  Do not disbelieve, but believe." And then Thomas said, "My Lord and my God!"  Jesus said to him, "Have you believed because you have seen me?  Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed." (Luke 20:27-29) 

Thomas' eyes were suddenly opened to see that Jesus was standing before him.  He was able to touch the wounds that Jesus received on his behalf...on all of our behalf!  But my pastor said something so poignant that really pierced my heart...he said, "It was not Thomas touching Jesus' wounds that made Him see that it was the Lord standing before him, but rather, it was Jesus' wounds touching Thomas that opened his eyes and made him believe."  Again, Thomas couldn't wrap his head around it until the wounds of Jesus touched Him.

This is what Jesus has done for me!  It is through the wounds and shed blood of Jesus Christ that I can have this miracle of my husband's cancer being gone...of a life together.  This miracle was for me, not just for Jay, but for ME!  I'm the skeptical one...I'm the one who couldn't wrap my head around it...but Jesus' wounds have touched me...and continue to touch me so that I might believe with my whole heart that He died just so that I could receive this gift of life. 

Thank you, my Jesus...my Savior...my Lord...my God!  I love you.

Life Continues On...

Today, Jay has a PET/CT scan...many thoughts go with that, but in the interest of taking my thoughts captive, I will just say that the Lord is faithful and leave the planning of my husband's life to Him. 

For those of you who are praying for my Jaybird...please pray that it is a clean scan...no signs of cancer...but ultimately, the Lord's will be done.

As for me...this is a time of refreshment...no, it has nothing to do with eating...LOL...but it has everything to do with me getting closer to the Lord and refreshing my soul.  I have to admit that the past two and a half years have been really exhausting...but with this break that the Lord has given to us, I am now looking to rebuild my strength and for the Holy Spirit to be replenished within me. 

I have joined a new ministry at my church.  It is an eight week study called, "Mentoring Matters."  I am being mentored by a wonderful godly woman.  I had my first study last night with a very small and intimate group of six women...seven with the mentor.  It is a special blessing to know that I will be encouraged and sustained by God through these women.  Each one of us is totally unique but we all have the common thread of Jesus Christ that weaves us together.  It is a special time.

I look forward to sharing with everyone about my experiences in this new ministry and how the Lord is speaking to me.  May God receive the glory.

Thank you to everyone for your continued prayers.  I am blessed...my husband is blessed...WE are blessed to have you.

Jamie

A Normal Life?

Hello Everyone!

Yes, I know...it has been a while since I've written in my journal.  I have been living what I THINK is a normal life again.  Praise the Lord.  A life filled with comings and goings for Jay and I...visitations with friends...dates to the movies and dinner...being lazy on the couch and watching TV...just LIFE.  A life without hospitals...worry about the effects of chemo...just LIFE.  How wonderful it is!!

Well, today we have a consultation appointment with Jay's oncologist here in our local town...no more City of Hope for now...just regular check ups with the original oncologist who wouldn't touch Jay with a 10 foot pole as far as surgery went...he promised that Jay would bleed out on the table if he sent him to have surgery.  WRONG AGAIN DOC!  I'm interested to see what he has to say as he looks at Jay and sees how well he is doing.  That should be sort of fun.  I know, I shouldn't find joy in proving to someone that they were wrong...but in a way...I will be happy to watch him squirm a little.  LOL

Jay and I have been talking lately about whether he thinks that chemotherapy is the way to go to follow up the surgery.  Jay has been wavering.  It's his decision all the way.  If he's not ready, fine with me!  I think he is looking at waiting for the first scan to happen sometime in July or August and see what it presents and then go from there.  If he really is cancer free, the first scan should come back clean...and then hopefully the next...and then the next...but we have no way of knowing.  Only God knows.  I'm leaving it to Him.  I am just overjoyed at the fact that my honey is looking so good and healthy again.  He actually has a wonderful color to his face and almost a glow.  He says that he didn'tven realize that his face was so discolored from the effects of chemo and the cancer.  But he looks in the mirror now and realizes what "healthy" looks like.

So, for now and prayerfully forever, I get to live a normal life.  I am making the transition into living again.  New adventures, new people, new life...that is the best blessing ever...NORMAL!

I pray that everyone is doing well.  I didn't realize how much I've missed communicating with you all.  Have a wonderfulday!  And I promise to write again soon.

Jamie

Changing Direction

Okay, so here it is...the BIG question...

How do you switch gears from preparing for a loved one's death to suddenly looking at the possibility of spending a lifetime with them?  I have spent the past several days pondering this very question.  The Lord revealed a completely different plan to us a few weeks ago and now I am having trouble making the transition.  I have experienced every emotion possible.  I have been overwhelmed with joy, felt the sorrow for people who still face the cancer battle, feared the cancer coming back again, and now I'm in the "Now what do I do, Lord?" phase. 

A few months ago, Jay and I were making the "bucket list" of things to do before he died.  Today, we are faced with the very real possibility of him having to go back to work.  I know...I know...what a great dilemma to be in!  And it is!  Trust me, I count it a blessing.  It is just difficult because my head is still spinning and my heart overflowing from the turn of events.

I suppose more time has to go by before I will know which path the Lord has for us next.  Until then...I will stay the course until the Lord changes the direction of our path again.  I trust that He is capable to be the Leader...I am good with just being the follower.

God bless.

Survivor's Guilt?

A very unusual thing has been happening these past couple of days...I have been experiencing several different emotions after finding out that my husband is cancer free.  I've been thinking about those people in the hospital that weren't getting to go home just yet, or wouldn't ever go home...and the overwhelming feeling of sadness has been felt deep in my heart.  Could it be survivor's guilt???

And today, a co-worker of mine who has been facing the same struggles as me for quite some time because his wife has been battling cancer, has lost his beautiful wife to the disease.  And I feel that deep in my heart too...not because I knew his wife, but because I understood this man's trial and what he was going through... that is, until now.  

The Lord spared my husband and took his wife.  Please don't get me wrong...I totally understand that the Lord has a plan for each of us and I trust that when someone's time is up and the Lord calls them home, it fulfills the Lord's perfect plan.  The Lord holds the number of our days in His hands.  But, here is what I'm having a struggle with...how on earth did I get so blessed?  Why would the Lord choose to spare me and my husband and not the next person?  I will never be able to figure it out, but I am overwhelmed at the fact that the Lord has given me such a gift...and shown me such mercy.  I am overjoyed to the point of being dumbfounded!  Truly GOBSMACKED!...or GODsmacked!

We are told in the bible not to lean on our own understanding, but in all our ways, acknowledge God and He will direct our paths. (Proverbs 3:5-6)  Well, I am acknowledging that I don't have a bit of understanding as to what the Lord's plan is for us...but I am so blessed that it involves spending more time with my Jay.

I'm not to try and figure out God...it will never happen anyway...I am to simply live moment to moment and know in my heart that God is in control of everything...and He absolutely is!

Lord, a thank you will just never be enough...

Sweet Sounds

Well...we made it!  We are home now...and I couldn't be any happier.  I'm sitting here in my living room and all I hear is birds chirping and my husband snoring...two of the sweetest sounds. 

I'm totally enjoying the peace I feel at this moment.  There are no sounds of monitors beeping, nurses talking in the hallways, patients calling for help, food delivery carts clumsily making their way through the hospital...I could go on and on.  How is it that anyone actually heals in the hospital??  It's not like anyone gets any rest!  Every 20 minutes or so someone is coming in to take vitals, change a bandage, attend to the IV machine, etc.  By the end of our stay, I was ready to become a linebacker and just tackle anyone that walked through the door to disturb our rest.  LOL

But, even with all of the annoyances that come with staying in the hospital...I must say my gratitude outweighs any other emotion that I may have felt. 

My heart still goes out to those who have to remain at the hospital for any number of reasons that they are there in the first place.  The lady next door to us that came all the way out from Austin, Texas for her surgery and treatments...the older woman across the hall from us who didn't look so good when we left.  I pray that the Lord would just cover them with His love and comfort as they endure what it is that they are going through.  One of the doors in our unit was closed the entire time with a sign on it that said,"STOP! No entry except for doctors and nurses who absolutely must enter."  I don't even have a clue as to who was in that room...man or woman...but I pray that they are not alone in there.

I am just so thankful to the Lord for allowing me to be able to bring my honey home and in somewhat better shape (minus the cancer; plus staples) than when we went in.  I still can't believe that the Lord has given us this miracle of time.  I pray that we never take it for granted.

I want to say thank you to those of you who diligently read my blog and leave me comments of encouragement.  I want you all to know that I truly appreciate your thoughtfulness and I hope to begin leaving comments on your blogs again as well.  Life has just been a bit hectic and I haven't had much energy for much else but being there for my guy. 

Kelly - I still have Kimmie on my heart.  I think of her often, and wish that she could still be here so that I could share our victory.  She would've been so pleased to know that Jay has won this round of the battle.  But I am so happy that I have you to share my ups and downs with.  I think of you and pray for you often.  I gather much strength from you because you have gone through the toughest part of this disease and have remained a very strong and courageous person.

Betty - thank you for your words of love and encouragement.  You are always faithful to lift me up.

Krissy - thank you for sharing your words of encouragement to stay in the battle and be strong in my faith in the Lord to deliver my husband of this disease as he has done for your husband TWICE!  God is amazing...this I know.

AJ - thank you for always being right there with some loving words that lift my spirits up. 

All of you, I have never met, but you have become part of my family.  I love and appreciate each one of you.

And to those friends and family who have stuck by me and Jay and prayed constantly and put us on a million different prayer chains...it is that faithfulness, I know, that has brought about this new season of our lives.  God is faithful to answer the prayers of those who are faithful to seek Him and His will. 

I am in awe of the love that has been shown to us by everyone...those that we know, and those that we don't.  It is proof to me that Jesus is alive and well and living in the hearts of those who believe because that is the kind of love that you cannot keep to yourself...it must be shared...poured out in immeasurable amounts.

God bless you all.

Jamie

Heading Home

Hello All,

Jay has been doing very well the past couple of days, so the hospital says it is time to go home.  Praise the Lord!  They actually wanted to send him home today, but Jay asked for an additional day just to be safe.  I'm glad he did because I would hate to get home and have something go wrong.  So, here we are at City of Hope for the last night.  We should be out of here in the morning.

Jay has been a good boy and has done his exercises and walked the halls and done all that he was told to do and our reward is to be able to go home.  I miss my bed...and I know that Jay does too.  The people here have been perfectly nice and done a great job of taking care of my guy, but I can't wait to get him home. 

In my celebration for the fact that we get to leave soon, I can't help but have a heavy heart for those that have to remain here because they are too sick to go home.  We have walked the halls and seen who is doing well and who is not.  My heart goes out to all of them.  The struggle that they are going through to get well, or at least to have some small measurement of normalcy is something that we have gone through, but we get a break for now...I pray the same for them.  If  I could just take all of their pain away, I would in a heartbeat.  Cancer is a disease that can rob someone of everything they have and I know that we all go through trials for a reason, but in my ideal world...no one would have to go through having to endure cancer.

For those of you who are praying for me and Jay...please take a moment to thank the Lord for our miracle, but also lift up the patients here at City of Hope, that they would receive the same blessing.  Anything is possible with God, so if we all help to carry the burden of the patients here, God will listen.  He is faithful to deliver.  Prayer changes situations...and collectively, we could pray this disease away.  Pray in faith.

Thank you to all who have prayed for us.  I cannot express to you enough how much I appreciate your open hearts.  God is listening...please continue to pray.

With Much Love,

Jamie