When All Else Escapes You...Praise the Lord!

"PRAISE the Lord! Praise the Lord, O my soul! While I live I will praise the LORD; I will sing praises to my God while I have my being." Psalm 146:1-2

Here is what I know for sure...I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING! LOL The reason for everything happening in my life escapes me right now; but GOD knows! I will put my trust in the fact that the Lord knows why the events of my life are necessary. (Psalm 46:10 "Be still and know that I AM God.") I will trust that these trials will strengthen me and my new found strength will please and glorify the Lord.

Lately, I have been in this place of not knowing what will happen to me next, where I will live, what my new life will be like...with all of this uncertainty, you would think that I could ask the Lord a million questions or submit my petitions for the life I hope to have, but I just don't know what to pray for. I have been here before where I don't know what to ask for in my prayers...but in my experience, when I don't know what to say or to ask for; when all else escapes me, the best thing to do is to just PRAISE THE LORD.

I've been reading the Psalms for the past several days because I have found that when you need a time of refreshing or encouragement from the Lord, the Psalms are the place to go. David was attacked on all sides; some of it was self-inflicted and some just general persecution, but no matter where the attacks came from or how they were brought about; whether by the Lord or by his own choices, David was able to turn to the Lord for strength, encouragement, bravery, protection and provision.

THIS is where I am at in my life right now. I need the Lord's strength, encouragement, bravery, protection and provision. Is it scary to be a widow? Yes. In this economy, to go from two incomes to one, is not favorable. And to go from sharing a life with someone to not having that companionship is a lonely, scary feeling. And, when your hopes in this life and the plans you once had have fallen through, well, that can be pretty devastating. BUT, if I am faithful to give my loss, and the feelings that are generated by it all, back to Him and PRAISE Him for what HE is able to do in my life, these circumstances will most assuredly glorify Him! In faith, I will continue to surrender everything to Him and rely on His abilities, His strength, His courage, His provision, His companionship and HIS LOVE.

Ephesians 3:20 says, "Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever, Amen."

He is able to do exceedingly abundantly ABOVE all I ask or think! Wow, I don't have to ask for anything or even think about what I want! He is able to do so much more than anything I can imagine so all I have to do is be still and trust Him. He alone is praiseworthy!

So I will praise the Lord, O my soul!

Thank You, Father! Thank You, for all that I have and all that I don't have; for You are the One Who knows what is best for me. I trust You, Lord. I place my life, my heart and my soul into Your able hands. I love You. In Jesus Name. Amen.

Asking, Seeking, Knocking...

"So I say to you, ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened." Luke 11:9-10

Wow...I read this scripture recently and this is where I am at. Only the Lord can answer my many questions and help me to move forward in this process. I haven't written in a few weeks because I have been in a holding pattern with the Lord. (Psalm 46:10 "Be still and know that I AM God.") I have been praying and waiting for the Lord to guide me in the next steps of my new life.

It has been nine months since Jay passed away, and so far it has been the usual roller coaster of emotions that you read about in all of the grief books. But along with those emotions, God has given me plenty of opportunities to share my experience and minister to people as they grieve. I have received a lot of healing by being able to comfort those that are hurting just like me. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 says it perfectly, "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God." Simply put - if you receive comfort from the Lord; extend that comfort to someone who is hurting and in need of comfort. I pray that I can continue to be used to extend this comfort. My heart goes out to the broken-hearted.

Since last writing, the Lord has revealed much to me. I will be moving at some point in the near future. My house is officially on the market to be sold. Prayerfully, the house will sell and I will move out in the Lord's time. There aren't many houses selling in my neighborhood these days, but the Lord is ABLE. I believe that there is a perfect person meant to purchase my home. It will just take patience on my part. One thing that I was told about selling my house is that I have to disclose that my husband passed away in my home. Well, that really stinks in a big way! I asked my realtor if we can make sure everyone knows that Jay passed away peacefully of cancer and it wasn't some murder-suicide or homicide or anything like that. LOL You know, like all that stuff you see on the news! Oh my goodness! LOL

Along with selling my home, I am trying to shed some of my 20 years worth of stuff. I will most definitely be downsizing to an apartment or condo when it's time to move. I'm only one person...I don't need that much stuff. And along those lines...another thing that the Lord has been able to etch on my heart is that it really is "just stuff". There are a few things that hold sentimental value to me in my house, but the Lord has given me the ability to look at it from His point of view and see that it isn't important the amount of stuff I have, or how nice it is...material items really are just that...material. It is the memories that you hold onto, not the item that gave you the memory in the first place. It will be nice to shed myself of all of this and take the next step in my new life. In the Lord's time, of course.

The Lord is faithful to continue to teach me what is truly important. FAITH in HIM! As I seek Him in faith; the plan will be revealed. I have FAITH that He will see me through; HOPE in His promises; and LOVE...the LOVE of Jesus Christ. The greatest of these truly is....LOVE.

Father, thank You for Your faithfulness to guide my steps as I seek You. I am grateful for the chance to serve You and glorify Your Holy Name. I pray that You will continue to use me as your vessel and use my testimony to show others Your greatness. You are bigger than my circumstances. I trust You, Lord, in everything that happens. Help me to see Your plan for my life, and help me to take the necessary steps to fulfill that plan - even if I hesitate, move me. Thank You for loving me, my Abba Father. In Jesus precious name. Amen.

The GOOD In All Things...

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28

If you desire to know; I mean really know how good God is; don't just read this scripture - engrave it on your heart. Are all circumstances in life good? No. But, the Lord shows those who believe in Him, and desire to see the good in everything, just how faithful He is by allowing us to see with our own eyes how every situation in our lives leads to something greater than our present circumstances.

"...in all things God works for the good..."

An example for me today was that my church is having a women's retreat this weekend where there will be a dramatic skit (Insert spoiler alert here in case you are attending the retreat!) and one of the props that will be used is an IV bag pole in an attempt to make the stage look like an examination room. I am providing this "prop" to be used in the skit. This pole used to belong to my hubby. At one point in his illness, he had a bad infection and needed around the clock IV fluids at home. I used to administer the IV medications using this pole. It's a not-so-great memory for me.

I've had this pole for a very long time and have thought on a number of occasions, "What on earth will I do with this thing? I should just throw it away." Well, the Lord has a purpose even for this silly pole that holds a negative memory for me! The idea that the Lord can use something as simple as this pole to bring glory to Himself through this skit is such an encouragement to me.

Now, don't get me wrong, I am NOT insinuating that Jay got cancer so that a stupid pole could be used in a skit at a women's retreat. But what I am saying is that even though my honey had to endure such bad things during his illness, the Lord is faithful to take everything that could be perceived as bad and bring about good things from it. He IS the God of all hope. This pole has become a symbol of Romans 8:28 and the Lord is using this symbol to remind me of just how good He really is.

"And we know [I KNOW] that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

I am so blessed to know that the trial my husband and I have been through (any part thereof) will be used to bring even the smallest amount of glory to my God. Nothing ever happens in vain. God uses all things, people and circumstances.

To God be the glory! Amen.

I Am Not My Own...

I haven't written for a few weeks. I have been experiencing some changes in my heart and I needed to take some time to really take it all in and receive it. The Lord has been so faithful to continue healing my heart a little bit more everyday. Do I miss my Jay? YES. But it is no longer incredibly painful to think of him. Praise the Lord for healing!



I have been meditating on scripture in order to really understand what the Lord wants from me in this process. It took me a while to allow myself to understand my title of "widow" but I have come to accept that title. Isaiah 54:5 says, "For your Maker is your husband - the Lord Almighty is his name - the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; he is called the God of all the earth." I am no longer a married person on earth; I am married to my Lord.



From an earthly stand-point, I am considered single now...which means I must be pure in the Lord's sight until such a time as when the Lord decides to bring another husband to me. Believe me, it is very difficult for me to even fathom having someone else in my life besides Jay, but the Word tells me that because I am a young widow; I will marry again. So, I believe that the Lord has a plan for my future which includes a new married life. Until then, I must remain committed to the Lord and stay pure.



I would've never thought that at 40 I would need to be thinking about my sexual purity whether mental or physical, but the Lord has allowed my circumstances to become such that I need to be ready to be held accountable for these things. I need to honor Him with my whole heart, mind, soul and BODY.




As a commitment to the Lord, I have given my wedding ring finger over to Jesus. This is a picture of my purity ring. A ring that means that I belong to my Maker. All that I am and all that I have belong to Him. It doesn't mean that I am not committed to Jay's memory or that I have stopped loving him. Absolutely on the contrary. I will always love Jay and he will remain in my heart forever. It is merely my commitment to Christ that is symbolized on my finger with this ring. It reminds me Who I belong to. It reminds me that nothing about me is my own.

1 Corinthians 6:19-20 says, "Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body." I have accepted that I am now single, but I am commanded by God not to ACT as a single woman, for I am not my own. I was bought by the shed blood of Jesus Christ. My everything belongs to Him.

Now why would I write about something so personal, you may ask? For the accountability! I will be held accountable for my actions...whether by people or by God...or both! I have a 12 year old niece who I want to be led BY EXAMPLE so she understands how precious she is to the Lord and that her love and physical intimacy was designed to be given as a gift to her future husband.

I want her to know that her Auntie is committed to waiting until she marries again before giving her body to a man. And while mistakes were made in the past; this is a new life being given to me, and I desire to do what is pleasing to the Lord.

This ring is a symbol of my commitment to the Lord. I am His...heart, mind, soul and body.

Thank You, Lord, for Your love for me. Thank You that You sent Jesus to not only be my Savior, but to be my husband. I may be a widow, and a single woman, but I am Yours. Guide my steps. Take my hand, Lord. I desire to walk where You walked...to know the things that You want me to know. I desire Your way. I love You with all of my heart, mind, soul and body. In Jesus' precious name. Amen.

Half Way Point...

Six months ago today, I said, "See you when I get there" to my honey before his journey to heaven. It is hard to believe that six months have gone by already. Time is such a funny thing...it seems to fly by, but can feel like forever too.

I am at the half way point in the "first year" of my grief. I'm not sure if that really means anything to me or not. The first year is very hard because you have to experience all of the "first" holidays, birthdays and anniversaries...and I have been through most of them already...and actually survived them. Praise the Lord. And there are several phases...more than five if you asked me...that you have to go through in order to receive any healing at all. So, while the half way point is somewhat of a milestone today, it really doesn't make anything feel better.

I have a few more "firsts" to go through...Valentine's Day (which I kind of dread because it's just further confirmation that I really am single now) our wedding anniversary on July 11 (what would have been our 18th year of marriage, but I'm single now, so how is THAT going to feel? Weird!) and the one year anniversary of his passing...which happens to be the very next day following our anniversary AND happens to be my father's birthday. Ugh. So, there are more difficult times to come.

There are so many things that happen when you grieve the loss of someone so significant in your life. Loneliness, sadness, anger, depression and relief are all of the typical emotions that you go through. I have been through them all and they all kind of switch off in my head...which sometimes I feel like a psycho woman because my mood swings go from zero to eighty in 2.2 seconds! But they are all normal emotions and you have to just let yourself go through them in order to experience any measure of relief at all. That's how God designed it to be. If you don't allow yourself to feel everything and experience it, you can't come out on the other side a healthy person.

You don't just feel it emotionally either...you go through physical changes as well. Weight loss, weight gain, stress, anxiety, all take a toll on your body so it's like your body actually has a grieving process of its own. Those emotional and physical experiences are what I expected to happen to me. But here is the one physical change that I didn't expect to be a part of my grieving process...memory loss. I have many instances where I don't remember a conversation that I've had with someone, or details of a conversation get lost in the abyss of my mind. How frustrating is that?!

I can have an entire conversation with someone and come away from it with only bits and pieces left in my brain. I can make a mental list of things that I need to get at the grocery store and walk in there and I am lucky to remember one or two. And here is the best one of all...I will get up and go into a room with the intention of getting something or doing something in that room and when I get there...I have NO CLUE what I went in there for. That has never happened to me before and it is frustrating! I feel like I'm getting Alzheimer's disease...no offense to those with actual Alzheimer's...but it really is a frightening thing to lose your memory.

Now, I know that with time things will get better and I will return to a somewhat normal state, but this process has been very interesting to go through and it's also odd to see how much I have changed. But I can honestly say that the changes that are happening within me are what the Lord uses to speak to me and show me what He wants of me. I hope to be a better person one day as a result of going through this. I hope that the Lord can take what I have been through and use it to help someone else.

I can't be THIS open with everyone for the circumstances to not be used by the Lord for something. But whatever the Lord chooses to do with all of this, may HE receive the glory for it. If it helps someone, may God be seen as the orchestrator. I cannot and never will be able to do anything without my Father leading the way and showing me His way. Thank You Abba Father!


Dear Jaybird,

Wow, six months, Babe. I still remember a lot of things as if it were yesterday, but thankfully when I do think of them, I am relieved that you are no longer living your life in agony. Praise the Lord that you were spared from any more of that.

Six months in heaven today, Baby. I try to picture what you could be doing each day, but I know that it pales in comparison to what you really are doing. I can't wait to see you again one day and listen to all of your stories of the glory that you have seen. One day, I will know that glory. What a blessing it is to know that I will be able to experience that with you one day.

I love you so much. I miss you more than anything! I know that you would want me to live my life to its fullest according what the Lord has for me, and I will do that, but I hope you know that I still think of you often and I love you immeasurably. I always will.

See you one day soon, my love.

Eternally Yours,

Jamie

2009...A Year In Review...Through Pictures

This is my honey on our last fishing trip together earlier this year. He was so excited to get me back on the water. I fished him under the boat that day...he couldn't have been more proud of me. That was a very good day.

On July 12, 2009, my baby went home to be with the Lord. One day I will see my Love again. I cling to that promise. Thank You, Jesus!

In between the time that Jay passed away and my birthday in November, Jay's brother and Sister-in-law gave their lives to the Lord because they wanted to receive the Lord's promise of heaven and so they could know in their hearts that they would see Jay again. And, Jay's Mom and Dad rededicated their lives to the Lord in August as well, and began going to church in Henderson, NV on a regular basis. Praise the Lord!! I don't have pictures of all of this, of course, but they are definitely significant events that happened this year. I am so happy to be so close to Jay's family now. It has been a blessing.

This series below is from my 40th birthday party in November...

Jay's nephew Josh, sister-in-law Irene, and brother Robert...and me.

Gotta love this beautiful homemade German Chocolate cupcake made just for me for my birthday. 40 is an amazing age!!

Jay's Mom and Dad...and me.

This next small series are photos that my friend took of me...I've never had pictures taken of just me. Jay was always there with me. But this is a year of doing a lot of things on my own for the first time. This was a good day for me. I am encouraged that I can still move forward given my circumstances.

These next pictures below were taken on my actual birth date...I met with family before I went to Disneyland to celebrate #40 with my niece and Mickey Mouse.

Me and my Daddy...

Me and my niece Alyissa...funny faces! Gotta do it! LOL

That's my pretty girl, Aly!! Gotta LOVE the Mouse ears!

My step-mom Erin, my beautiful 89 year old Grandma who is my heart...and then there is me.

This one is out of order, but it's from my birthday party and I just adore my niece. She is my precious girl.

There are no photos from Thanksgiving...

But here is Christmas 2009...

Me, my beautiful Grandma again, and my Mom.

This star is the tree topper that Jay picked out last year...you know the story...

My Christmas tree of God's promises to me.

It has been a year filled with many blessings. I have no regrets. God is faithful to bring His plan to fruition. I have seen and felt the Lord in a tangible way this year, and He has shown Himself to be Mighty and wonderful! I cannot believe all that He has done for me. His grace and mercy are overflowing. May this next year bring about glory to my Father in heaven; and may His will and His work be made complete in me. In Jesus name!

Here is to a new year filled with all that God's promises hold for all of us. Open your hearts to receive his gifts! Happy New Year to Everyone!! May God bless you and keep you!!

A Future and A Hope - My BIGGEST Promise From God...

Well, I made it....[BIG SIGH]...I made it through most of the major "firsts" in my year of firsts after Jay's departure to heaven. I can't help but look forward to the new year because God promises a future for me. Through Jeremiah the prophet, I have been given a promise of a "future and a hope..." Jeremiah 29:11 has been my life verse since I first discovered it about 10 years ago. I didn't know until this year just how much this life verse would speak to me in my circumstances.

God doesn't just promise me a future, but He promises me HOPE in that future through restoration and a new start. Will I see trials again in my new life? YES. There is no doubt in my mind that I will face more trials but as I lean on the Lord for strength He will navigate the way and I will follow until His plan is brought to fruition. My future and my hope come from being in the will of God. This new start brings about the strongest desire to be closer to the Lord, to be in His will, and to serve His purposes. I don't want to make a move unless it is of the Lord.

Do I have specific dreams and hopes for my future? YES. But, I lift those to the Lord to be sure that they are in His will. There are things I would like to experience, places I'd like to go, changes I'd like to make; but if they are not in alignment with God's plan for my life, then I do not want them. It's nice to daydream, but if the Lord doesn't have a use for those daydreams; I will let them go.

As I ring in the new year, I look forward to letting go of much of my pain by surrendering it to my God so that more room can be made for His blessings and healing. I am ready to surrender all of the sadness and pain. I am ready to surrender the loneliness. I am ready to surrender my grief. None of that will just go away by me surrendering them to the Lord once...I will need to continually surrender them as they enter my heart. That is the only way to receive more of God's blessings and healing.

I am ready to begin looking forward to my life to come. Here is to the year 2010 and what it holds for me.

Happy New Year, Everyone. May the Lord's blessings be abundant in each of your lives.


Lord, thank You for the hope I have for my future. May I never forget what You have brought me through; what Jay and I went through together...those are the circumstances that brought about surrender for BOTH of us. My husband resides with You as a result of those trials; I cannot complain about that one bit. I rejoice! My faith was made even stronger as You showed Yourself so mightily to me in those difficult times. I am grateful for who I have become in You. I pray that this new year, 2010, will bring me closer to You still. I give myself to You. Help me to walk in Your ways. Help me to have Your vision. Help me to have Your heart. Reign in me, Lord. I love You so much. In Jesus' precious name. Amen.