Running In Place

"I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." Philippians 3:14 NKJV

A whole new chapter has begun in my life. On July 12, 2009 at 11:45 am, just six weeks ago, my husband...my beloved Jay...passed away from this life and became a citizen of heaven. I was there, in his arms, when he took his last breath. That was the moment my life changed forever.

I have spent the past three and a half years caring for this man, my husband, my mate, my best friend...taking him to doctor appointments, treatment appointments, surgery appointments; not to mention all of the time at home caring for him and making sure he took his medications and ate something to go with them...every minute filled with something to do for him...and now what do I do???

I am somewhat lost because I don't know what to do for myself. It's time to take care of myself...that's what everyone says...even all of the grief books out there say that...but how do I do that? Where do I start? I've spent so long making sure that I don't put myself first that I don't have a clue what to do for me. I know what "sounds good" but when it comes down to doing what "sounds good" I don't want to do it. I'd rather just go home and sit. Sometimes I feel like I'm running in place. I want to get away, but every time I begin to make plans to get away, I suddenly feel in my heart that it doesn't feel right and then I stop in my tracks. But I have to press on...

The scripture up at the top, Philippians 3:14, is something that stuck out to me because I must now figure out how to get back to "pressing toward the goal," which is serving the Lord. My husband was my first ministry and now he is gone, so my first ministry is serving the Lord. I have no clue what ministry to start serving in, but I'm sure the Lord will show me in His time. He is still healing the huge hole in my heart left behind by my husband's departure.

Being a widow is a very interesting thing. You really find out how good the Lord is and how he really does have a heart for the widows. His provision is abundant. You also find out very quickly who he doesn't want in your life. Being a widow is one of the most vulnerable states of being that you can be in...and the Lord really goes out of His way to protect those of us who are in that state. He has surrounded me with wonderful people who have stepped up to be of help. Praise God!

This transition into my new life has brought out many emotions, but it all comes down to trusting the Lord to restore my life to its fullest...and beyond. My joy has not been lost, but I definitely feel the deep sadness in my heart. Someone recently told me that the "smile in my heart is gone." Wow...I don't even know what to say to that.

Better days are to come. I will continue to press toward the goal and I know that the Lord will be faithful to meet me each step of the way, and when I can't move...He will carry me. Thank You, Lord.