Just Life...

Wow...I'm just realizing how long it has been since I have written anything at all. A few people have asked about my writing and why I stopped, and the only answer I could come up with is that I have writer's block. I have had the desire to write but really nothing to write about. I've thought many times that I should write something just because...but in all reality, every time I have thought about writing "just anything"...I immediately follow it up with "who wants to read about my boring life?" Even I find my life boring at this moment! LOL

But, I guess the better perspective would be this...God has blessed me with a quiet lull in my life after the major storm that Jay and I endured for such a long time...and then I went through even more after that...so this is my "lull" season. I rejoice in that.

So what is happening in my life right now?

I still love my job at my church! New opportunities are beginning to open up to me and growth is happening in my position. I love it when I am able to do new things, in addition to the old things all while serving the Lord at the same time!

My roomie and I are getting ready to move to a new apartment next weekend. We are excited for this change. We will be closer to the church, and I will be closer to my mom and niece so I can help them with all of their daily happenings. Kristin (my roomie) and I have been praying for a while about being better stewards with the money the Lord has given to us, and this apartment is the solution to that. It happens to be the same apartment complex that Jay and I lived in many MANY years ago. When Kristin and I walked around the complex, it looked different but had the same feel. I felt such a peace and that gave me the ability to exhale with delightful nostalgic memories running through my mind and heart. So next week, another new chapter can be added to my life story.

I am currently looking forward to helping my 14 year old niece adjust to being a freshman in high school. (Yikes! How did THAT happen?!) Being closer allows me to spend more time helping her with homework or just being a mentor. I love Aly so much and would absolutely DIE for her. She is an amazing girl; very smart and has a heart of gold. She dreams of being a K-9 cop...so I will do all I can to help her to attain that goal. Lots of hard work ahead of us, but we will do it. There will be extra work on my part as I try to keep her focused on her dream and not on BOYS! This girl is gorgeous and has started gaining the attraction of boys...I feel as though the sharks are circling BUT I have my bat in hand, ready to strike any one of them that tries any funny business with my girl! LOL I realize the whole "boyfriend thing" is inevitable...EVENTUALLY...but not now. She is too young! But she has a good head on her shoulders and is making very wise choices at this point regarding boys...I'm just praying it continues.

And as for me...well...life has carried on, I am feeling more like myself...not exactly the old me...but more like an "I've-been-through-a lot-and-I-have-learned-and-taken-notes-and-actually-applied-them" wiser version of the old me. I am a little more serious about things. I think more critically about things. I reason more and act a little less out of my emotions. (still a work in progress but improvement is improvement and I'll take it!) I am less attached to "things" and see the bigger picture MUCH more clearly. Having someone you love in heaven will do that to ya! The greatest realization has been...nothing is more important than God...ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! So HE will continue to be my greater focus in my life. I will serve Him as I have been, and prayerfully a little more in the coming days/months/years as He sees fit.

I care a little bit more about myself these days too...started taking vitamins, eating a little better (a little), have lost 10 lbs and have a desire to start exercising. WHAT?! LOL! I just want to be healthier and help myself to generally feel good. I am beginning to desire to experience my life again instead of just existing in it and moving around like a robot. I actually SMILE more! That's nice. I was beginning to think that I was not going to feel joy in my heart again. God is amazing in His restorative efforts!

And along with all of this...brace yourselves...I have started feeling the desire to have someone special in my life again. And NO! There is no one currently even in my thought process!! So there better not be any rumors of me having a boyfriend or anything of the sort! LOL! But, in embracing my singleness, I read the book, Choosing God's Best and there is a sentence in there that I have tucked in my heart..."Don't worry about finding the right person; concentrate on being the right person for someone and let the Lord do the rest." Wow! Can you say, "Game-changer"??! I miss the companionship of a special someone, but I want my focus to be on who the Lord has for me, and how I may add to that person's life and NOT on setting out to find that person myself. My concentration is going to be on making the changes the Lord points out that need to be made in me, and maintaining the attributes the Lord identifies as being "attractive" to Him.

Jeremiah 29:11 tells me that the Lord has a plan for me...let's see what He has in store! I'm listening, Lord...

I Am the Clay...

A potter who throws clay on a pottery wheel sometimes has no idea what he is about to build, but he takes a big, shapeless glob of clay and throws it onto the center of the wheel knowing that with the work of his hands and some manipulation he will eventually come out with something...a vase, a bowl, a cup...many possibilities. It is all about the skill of the potter and the temperament of the clay.

The Word tells us in Isaiah 64:8, "Yet O Lord, You are our Father. We are the clay; You are the potter; we are all the work of Your hand." I have never identified more with clay in my entire life than I do right this minute! I envision God, the Potter, sitting at the wheel, with me as the shapeless glob of clay spinning out of control with no structure...spinning, spinning, spinning - no real direction or purpose. Then the Lord sets His loving hands upon me, firm but gentle. No longer spinning aimlessly and out of control, the rough edges begin to smooth out. As I begin to take shape with a solid foundation and a bit of structure, He releases the firm grip and exchanges it with the loving touch of His finger in the center as if pointing to the core of me to say, "You are mine and you will be formed to serve my purposes." With His finger touching on the center and the core being exposed, the junk that is inside has no place else to go but to be purged out.

Until very recently, I lost my direction. I lost my drive. I lost my purpose. Well...I guess I didn't lose them...I just kind of set them aside in my exhaustion from fighting against my new life. The first year after Jay died was a breeze compared to this second year. Last Summer, in the beginning of the second year, my grief seemed to really take hold of me and I was filled with feelings of being lost, not belonging anywhere, going through the motions of my new life but not really living my life. I was trying to give glory to the Lord, but I don't know that it was all truly felt in my heart.

I basically was angry with God that I had to start my life all over again and try to figure out who I am if I'm not "Jay's wife." I spent literally half of my life with this man and now I have to try and figure out what to do in this life on my own. Who the heck am I? Yes, I am a child of God...but if you feel lost and without a sense of purpose, what do you do with that? Well, the Lord has been busy showing me what being a child of God really means.

It means that when I fall apart, walk away, and give up on myself - He is there with endless love and compassion just waiting for me to make the decision to return to Him for my comfort and rebuilding.

Jeremiah 18:4 says, "The pot he [the potter] was shaping from the clay was marred in his hands; so the potter formed it into another pot, shaping it as seemed best to him. Then the word of the Lord came to me: "O house of Israel, can I not do with you as this potter does?" declares the Lord. Like clay in the hand of the potter, so are you in my hand, O house of Israel."

Every time I do something to change the depth, the shape, the structure of our relationship - He is faithful to take me down to the foundation of my being, Jesus Christ - who saved me from my sins, and remind me that I am loved no matter what I do and once I take hold of His promises again, He begins to rebuild on that foundation.

I am in the rebuilding stage now. I have returned to Him for my comfort; and I am realizing...again...that He truly does love me and just because I was angry with Him doesn't mean that He is looking at me with condemnation (that's from the enemy), but rather, He is looking at me with loving eyes saying, "I will rebuild you from scratch with My own hands."And maybe who I will be is somebody different from who I was before, but if God can restore Job after all that he went through and not only restore him but create a better life for him than he had before - I'm totally on board with that and trusting Him to do just that for me!

So while an earthly potter looks at the clay and doesn't know exactly what he will come out with in the end; our heavenly Potter knows, even before He begins, what masterpiece will stand before Him when His work is done.

His work in me is far from being done, but I am beginning to see some changes. The spark has been ignited and He is fanning the flame. I long to spend time with the Lord, learning about Him, and I am seeking to be about His business again. He has given me the desire to serve Him with the gifts I have been blessed with. My heart is beginning to actually feel again and open up. He is using me to encourage people through their trials, which is what I have always loved to do!

And He has given me something to write about again. It's difficult to write about these things that don't necessarily shed a great light on me or my selfish behavior, but the glory belongs to the Lord for what He will accomplish through this.

The rebuilding and restoration has begun. This is just the first phase...stay tuned...

Blocked...

I am presently experiencing writer's block. Please keep checking back as I am praying and asking the Lord to restore my ability to write again.

As for now...

I...got...nothin'!

Love to all.

Jamie

Helpful Hints for Those Ministering to Grieving Hearts...

While I am not an expert on anything...one thing I have had plenty of experience in these past 17+ months is the grieving process. Everyone grieves differently; some openly, some in private, and some...well...not at all. (I'll talk about that last one a little later.)

I haven't written in my blog for a while because I have felt the need to draw near to the Lord even more so now than ever. It seems that the second year for me has been more difficult than the first. For a time, I lost my desire to write...and I still don't feel as though I will continue on a consistent basis, but I felt the Lord prompting me to write about how someone might be able to reach out to a friend or loved one who is hurting due to the loss of their spouse.

Since becoming a widow, I have taken the journey and become friends with a few ladies who, sadly, have joined this elite club. I am no expert, as I said previously, but I have walked the road for a time now and am familiar with it's inevitable twists and turns so I have some insight into "the process". I have had people contact me as a result of this and ask me if I can offer some advice on how a person may help someone who is hurting due to the loss of a spouse.

Here is what I always start with:

#1 - BE IN PRAYER for them, and also ask the Lord to show you how you may be of comfort to them.

#2 - BE SILENT. Words mean NOTHING to someone who has just lost a spouse. You can have the best of intentions in trying to relate to their level of loss, but your words will only reach the exterior of a person's brain at this point. Even if you have lost a spouse yourself, your experience of loss is still very different than someone else's experience so you can't assume you know exactly what they are going through. If the deceased was a believer, it is appropriate to rejoice to some degree that they are in the presence of the Lord. If the person who is the widow/widower is rejoicing and feeling a sense of relief, take your queue from them and rejoice with them. If the rejoicing is not being expressed outwardly by them, my advice is to be cautious when offering your comfort in the form of words.

#3 - BE PRESENT. Observe how the person is grieving and act accordingly. Maybe they just need you to be in the room, or cook for them (this could be especially wonderful if they have small children that need to be cared for), or clean the house, or grocery shop...the Lord will give you discernment on how best to make yourself available to a grieving widow/widower. (NOTE: Grocery shopping was a big one for me. I couldn't make it down one aisle of the grocery store without losing it and having to walk out because that is where I shopped for anything my husband wanted to or could eat in those last months. If the person you are concerned about was a caregiver for someone with a long-term illness, this may be an area that you can be of greater use because the grocery store can be a HUGE trigger.)

#4 - BE AVAILABLE. At the time of loss everyone, friends and family alike, make themselves available for service or to be of help and comfort in some capacity but after the funeral is over, as would be expected, people get back into their own daily routines, work, ministry, etc. and life carries on and they are not as available as they were originally. These are the times when the loneliness sets in because the grieving person is still feeling as though time has stopped for them. The person grieving is the one who is watching on the sidelines while everyone else is living. Be mindful to possibly include the person at your dinner table, or ask them if they want to take a walk around the block, but if the person is reluctant to go anywhere or do anything, make yourself available to just sit with them and see where time, prayer and conversation take you. The Lord is faithful to bring comfort to grieving people through His people. Be the extension of Him and you will see first hand that the blessing does not just come to the person who is heartbroken.

There are many stages to grief...you can google it and you will see that most websites say that there are five stages, but others say seven...but honestly, the person that is grieving feels like there are a million stages because they all happen ALL the time, and the order is not the same for each person, and most of the time each stage has a little bit of ALL the stages mixed in. This is when the person that is grieving feels most like a schizophrenic. Grief is not orderly, polite or conscious of time. It is most often messy, forceful, and demanding of time and energy. It will not be ignored.

I said at the beginning of this entry that I would address the issue of the people who do not grieve. It isn't that they are not grieving...oh, but they are! But they are choosing not to grieve by avoiding the situation and the feelings that come with it. They are the hurting people that will just about do anything not to allow themselves the full experience of grieving because it is far too painful.

They often try to replace the emptiness with something else like shopping, traveling, sex, sometimes using drugs (legal or otherwise) and alcohol in order to escape their pain. BUT, these are the people that you need to be aware of and really be prayerful as to how the Lord can use you to encourage them to allow themselves to go through the process; and then assure them that they will not be alone. It's the "being alone" part that usually has them running scared. So, try to be that source of encouragement and stability that they need in order to feel like it's okay to grieve.

Lastly, there are many people who are grieving that just "ride the waves", trusting the Lord to uphold them and help them to keep moving forward...BUT it is still an extremely difficult process even though the person is a believer and is trusting the Lord, walking closely with the Lord, and allowing the Lord to lead the way. The Lord doesn't remove the agony of grief just because we know Him well. The process is still the process as designed by Him. Painful, messy, lonely, dark, heavy...those are some of the words I have used to describe the beast that is grief. But, the Lord IS ABLE...

This process was designed by the Lord to allow those that grieve to draw near to Him and allow HIM to heal our hearts and fill that void in our lives. His people acting as the extension of Him is how He accomplishes that healing.

Please ask the Lord how you may be of use to someone grieving today.

God's Plan...My Future...

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back from captivity." Jeremiah 29:11-14a

This scripture has spoken to me for many years, but has never been more appropriate than right now...this season in my life. I've been seeking the Lord for comfort, rest and restoration since Jay passed away in July 2009; and He has been faithful to meet me, to comfort me and give me rest; but I am only just now beginning to feel His restoration of my life. While I am still uncertain of things to come, my God gives me the ability to look towards my future with much anticipation, and dare I say, excitement, for what He has for me.

It hasn't been an easy transition into the new life He has given me; it definitely took me a while to embrace what He gifted me with, but I can finally say that I am comfortable with where He has me. I am blessed by my room mate and how the Lord orchestrated us living together for this season in our lives. And now that I have been in the new place for four months, and have developed a pattern in my day, and am enjoying extended fellowship in the way of friends, work, choir rehearsals and bible studies - I am feeling like I am starting to live again. There is much more to be experienced in the way of ministries at church and missions trips, but that will all come according to the Lord's timing. He knows my desire; I will wait on Him.

While I still have many days where I stop and think of Jay (at times it's still very painful) I can feel the healing taking place in my heart. The God that works "all things out for the good to those who love Him and are called according to His purpose" is doing just that for me...working out the good for me. Many of the valleys of my life that can be perceived as bad to anyone on the outside, I am lifting them up to the Lord saying, "Thank You." He is showing me that what I have been through was extremely difficult, but I have never been alone, and I have learned so much about who He is and even who I am, and now I continue the journey on this path of discovering what I am to do to serve Him in this part of my life.

The questions I ask now are, "What do you have for me, Lord? Where can I serve You? Will I ever have love again? Will I ever become the person YOU have in mind?"

Knowing that the Lord only has my best interests at heart, it feels good to be able to trust that my Father will always take good care of me. More valleys will come, this I am certain of. But having been through one of the deepest, darkest valleys I can experience, and not only surviving it, but I have come through it praising His Holy Name; I think I will be okay. My hope and future are His.

By faith...

Heavenly Father, thank You for the healing and growth I have experienced lately. I have learned that I can trust You to lead the way; even when I don't like what You are leading me to and through, You are faithful to walk with me, guide me, hold me, strengthen me, and fill me with the bravery needed to persevere. Fill me afresh with Your Holy Spirit that I may continue to take steps in the direction in which You are guiding me. Use me, Lord. Use my circumstances to glorify You. I want none of it. Anything that is good in me is because of YOU. Show me how to be more like You. Transform me. It is Your image I want to reflect. Help me to know Your will for my life. Search me, God. I want a fresh start this day. I love You. I live for You. In Jesus name. Amen.

Persevere for Jesus' Sake...

Trials.

You just have to say the word; every Christian knows the job they have to do...persevere through them. The Lord sifts them through His loving hands. They are meant to stretch us...grow us up...and prove to ourselves and everyone else that our FAITH is real. Do we ask for them? NO WAY! Nobody in their right mind would ever ask for trials to be handed to them! LOL But, when given something seemingly bad, it's an opportunity to draw closer to the Lord than you have ever been. Who can argue with that? I know when I am going through something pretty trying; I want to be as close to the Lord as possible.

I remember when Jay was sick and things would get really rough from his treatments. He would be in pain, so sick, running a fever, chills; you name it - he had it. I would be awake all hours of the day and night trying to get everything under control for him; get him the least bit comfortable. There were times that I just cried out to the Lord, sometimes in private and sometimes right where I was at...bedside with Jay, in the bathroom, in the kitchen...wherever I was - cry out to Him. It was hard. I didn't want to do it anymore! I didn't have the energy or the willpower to get through. It seemed as though we'd been through the cancer trial for an eternity, and the Lord was still expecting us to endure it for an additional eternity. Impossible!!

But then Jesus came...

And now, I am a widow and I have experienced every emotion you could think of. The life I thought I would have with my husband was no longer an option. Everything I knew was taken away when Jay passed away. The loneliness alone is enough to severely mar and disfigure a person's existence. There were times that I just didn't want to live anymore. I told the Lord that I just couldn't do it. I couldn't handle what He was calling me to endure.

But then Jesus came...

Have you ever felt Him standing before you? Maybe you couldn't see Him with your human eyes, but your heart felt that He was before you, calling you to action? Our own expectations of Him sometimes get in the way and we don't see things as the Lord intended. We think we can't do what He has called us to do; what He has called us to persevere through.

But then Jesus comes...

Jesus endured much suffering as He walked the earth in human form. He was God in flesh. He had feelings, emotions, physical fatigue; He was ridiculed, beaten beyond recognition, and then impaled with large spikes and hung on a cross. For...ME?? Yes, He persevered for my sake. Jesus endured everything so that I could have eternal salvation and permission to come to my Father with my petitions.

The Lord has given me the strength to go on; to take steps in this new life of unknown possibilities, good or bad, and He has blessed me with every step that I take on this path; trusting that He has a firm grip on me. When I feel like I will fall; He sends Jesus to ask, "Will you do this for Me?" When I can't move, I'm too tired, I'm being disobedient to the calling on my life, Jesus stands before me and asks, "Will you do this for Me? Will you hold on a little longer? Will you endure a little more pain, anguish, fear, devastation, ridicule...for My sake, knowing that OUR Father is in control and trusting that this trial will not last forever...will you hold onto Me? Our Father will deliver you in time, but you have to persevere...will you do that - for ME?"

How can I say 'No'?

If you are hurting, angry, anguished, devastated...you name it...Jesus is in your face right now asking you to hold on. Will you do it...for Him?

Seasons Change...

Well something must be happening within me...

I've stopped counting the number of days you've been gone.
I've stopped daydreaming about what I could have done differently to keep you here longer.
I've stopped beating myself up for all the things I fell short on in our life together.
I've stopped wondering if you're okay.

I've started counting on the fact that I KNOW I will see you again someday.
I've started daydreaming about what heaven really looks like.
I've started loving myself for the person I became by the time you said "goodbye".
I've started believing that you are well.

I know that God holds you tightly every single day.
I know that you are proud of me for who I have become.
I know that you still love me even though we are not here together.
I know that you are living in God's glory.
I know that you will be waiting for me when it is my time.

I TRUST the Lord to bless your soul because you asked Him into your heart.
I TRUST the Lord to show you all the things He wanted you to know.
I TRUST the Lord to keep you safe.
I TRUST the Lord...period.

Missing you, my Love. I still think of you often...even though I may not be counting the number of days since you went to heaven. Now is my time to live a new life...for the Lord. I trust what He has for me and even though it is a very foreign place to live right now, I will persevere and finish well. I will carry you in my heart forever, Baby.

Heavenly Father, thank You for Your strength in this moment...and every other. YOU are the reason I live. Help me to seek Your plan for me. Help me to understand my calling. I pray that you will help me to open my heart to all things new. Thank You for loving me. Thank You for Your grace and Your mercy that are new each and every day that I surrender my life to You. Give me Your wisdom; Your discernment. What do You have for my life, Lord? Who will You surround me with? What things may I accomplish for YOUR glory? How may I serve You? Pour Your spirit out afresh on me, Lord. Help me to walk in Your way. Show me Your path. I praise Your Holy Name! Amen.