Monday, July 26, 2010

God in the Clouds...

Too many changes at once bring about too many emotions! I wrote a couple of weeks ago about moving to my new apartment and being excited to start my new life. Well, in addition to that excitement these changes have brought about fear and sadness; and these feelings have sparked a whole new level of my grief. Oy!...

Once I got everything into the apartment...20+ years worth of my life!...from a house into an apartment, I quickly realized...more like got slapped upside the head...that EVERYTHING is now completely different. It was my life; only turned inside out now. Nothing was familiar any longer. And since that realization, I have struggled with closing the door on my old life that included Jay to opening the door to a new life that doesn't include anything about him. A HUGE dose of reality has come over me and it feels like that dark cloud has returned...or maybe it never really went away but has grown bigger.

As I have given these heavy-hearted feelings over to the Lord, and many tears, He has been ministering to me about dark clouds and how He is using them to remind me that He is still with me. And not only that; He promises to bring me a rainbow to shine His light on my heart.

"And God said, 'This is the sign of the covenant which I make between Me and you, and every living creature that is with you, for perpetual generations: I set My rainbow in the cloud, and it shall be for the sign of the covenant between Me and the earth. It shall be, when I bring a cloud over the earth, that the rainbow shall be seen in the cloud; and I will remember My covenant which is between Me and you and every living creature of all flesh; the waters shall never again become a flood to destroy all flesh. The rainbow shall be in the cloud, and I will look on it to remember the everlasting covenant between God and every living creature of all flesh that is on the earth." Genesis 9:12-16

I remember studying rainbows in science class in high school. I remember that the teacher told us that rainbows are refracted light that breaks into several particles which cause the different beautiful colors. As the Lord has ministered to me over and over these past few weeks specifically...He reminds me that there is only One source of Light. GOD is the Creator of Light. And He created these rainbows that come with dark clouds as a reminder that HE can be found in those clouds that darken my days and weigh heavy on my heart. I need only seek Him and strengthen my relationship with Him as I go through this season.

During the past few weeks I have missed my Jay more than ever before. The pain is unbearable sometimes, but I have snapshots in my heart of him and the memories that we made together, good and bad, and I replay those quite often so he is still a part of my present life. I will see him again one day...this, I know. And we will continue on with our journey.

The Lord's promise to me is that I will find Him in the clouds. Dark clouds are necessary in order to have a clear view of His rainbows.

I'm looking, Lord...

Monday, July 12, 2010

One Year...

"Afoot and lighthearted I take to the open road, healthy, free, the world before me, the long brown path before me leading wherever I choose." - Walt Whitman

Today...a milestone has been reached. One year ago today, my husband went to heaven. I can honestly say that in the 12 months that have gone by; my heart has received healing. Not complete healing yet, but the Lord has been faithful to fill my empty heart with His promises of comfort in times of pain; His companionship in times of loneliness; and His love in times of heart famine. Major healing has been received from the Lord's demonstration of His unfailing love for me.

His provision has never been more visible and tangible. I haven't written for a long time because of the overwhelming feeling of AWE and WONDER at His special provision for widows. Yes, I have felt lonely; but He has held me. I have felt ruined; but He is restoring me. I have felt like an alien; but He loves me.

The Lord has shown me that if I place my complete trust in Him that He will always prove to be enough for me. And He is most certainly enough.

I quoted Walt Whitman earlier because I love what the quote has to say about having the freedom to take the path of my choosing, but I want to add a scriptural reference to it because any path that we choose still needs to involve the Lord. When we are faithful to lay it all out before the Lord, He is faithful to show us which way to go on the path of life.

"You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand." Psalm 16:11

Any path worth choosing is a path that has been paved by the Lord. It's never a mystery to the Lord which way to go; we just have to allow Him to show us and then be obedient to His direction. There is always a blessing to our obedience.

"I run in the path of Your commands, for You have set my heart free." Psalm 119:32

"Direct me in the path of Your commands, for there I find delight." Psalm 119:35

The Lord's hand has been upon my life since Jay went to heaven. He has placed me in His loving and gentle care. He has seen fit to move me to a new apartment. (There is a story there, and I will share another time.) This past weekend, I moved from the home that Jay and I lived in together to a new apartment and a new life. While I loved that home for a time, it was no longer a home to me when Jay left. But the Lord is the One who makes my home now and I believe that there is much in store for me in this new life. The Lord didn't bring me this far to drop me on my head. I look forward with much anticipation to what the Lord has in store for me in this new life.

I find myself daydreaming about the new adventures that I will experience. I can't help but think of Job and the loss that he experienced and how the Lord was faithful to restore his life completely and even beyond what he had previously. I have suffered a big loss, yes. But I have also experienced a big gain and that is that my faith in my God has grown exponentially. I am truly blessed that I have a God that loves me this much.

Thank You, Father, for the gift of walking this path. Thank You for guiding the way when I have been completely lost. Nothing makes sense without You. Light the way, Father. I'm following. Amen.