Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Half Way Point...

Six months ago today, I said, "See you when I get there" to my honey before his journey to heaven. It is hard to believe that six months have gone by already. Time is such a funny thing...it seems to fly by, but can feel like forever too.

I am at the half way point in the "first year" of my grief. I'm not sure if that really means anything to me or not. The first year is very hard because you have to experience all of the "first" holidays, birthdays and anniversaries...and I have been through most of them already...and actually survived them. Praise the Lord. And there are several phases...more than five if you asked me...that you have to go through in order to receive any healing at all. So, while the half way point is somewhat of a milestone today, it really doesn't make anything feel better.

I have a few more "firsts" to go through...Valentine's Day (which I kind of dread because it's just further confirmation that I really am single now) our wedding anniversary on July 11 (what would have been our 18th year of marriage, but I'm single now, so how is THAT going to feel? Weird!) and the one year anniversary of his passing...which happens to be the very next day following our anniversary AND happens to be my father's birthday. Ugh. So, there are more difficult times to come.

There are so many things that happen when you grieve the loss of someone so significant in your life. Loneliness, sadness, anger, depression and relief are all of the typical emotions that you go through. I have been through them all and they all kind of switch off in my head...which sometimes I feel like a psycho woman because my mood swings go from zero to eighty in 2.2 seconds! But they are all normal emotions and you have to just let yourself go through them in order to experience any measure of relief at all. That's how God designed it to be. If you don't allow yourself to feel everything and experience it, you can't come out on the other side a healthy person.

You don't just feel it emotionally either...you go through physical changes as well. Weight loss, weight gain, stress, anxiety, all take a toll on your body so it's like your body actually has a grieving process of its own. Those emotional and physical experiences are what I expected to happen to me. But here is the one physical change that I didn't expect to be a part of my grieving process...memory loss. I have many instances where I don't remember a conversation that I've had with someone, or details of a conversation get lost in the abyss of my mind. How frustrating is that?!

I can have an entire conversation with someone and come away from it with only bits and pieces left in my brain. I can make a mental list of things that I need to get at the grocery store and walk in there and I am lucky to remember one or two. And here is the best one of all...I will get up and go into a room with the intention of getting something or doing something in that room and when I get there...I have NO CLUE what I went in there for. That has never happened to me before and it is frustrating! I feel like I'm getting Alzheimer's disease...no offense to those with actual Alzheimer's...but it really is a frightening thing to lose your memory.

Now, I know that with time things will get better and I will return to a somewhat normal state, but this process has been very interesting to go through and it's also odd to see how much I have changed. But I can honestly say that the changes that are happening within me are what the Lord uses to speak to me and show me what He wants of me. I hope to be a better person one day as a result of going through this. I hope that the Lord can take what I have been through and use it to help someone else.

I can't be THIS open with everyone for the circumstances to not be used by the Lord for something. But whatever the Lord chooses to do with all of this, may HE receive the glory for it. If it helps someone, may God be seen as the orchestrator. I cannot and never will be able to do anything without my Father leading the way and showing me His way. Thank You Abba Father!

Dear Jaybird,

Wow, six months, Babe. I still remember a lot of things as if it were yesterday, but thankfully when I do think of them, I am relieved that you are no longer living your life in agony. Praise the Lord that you were spared from any more of that.

Six months in heaven today, Baby. I try to picture what you could be doing each day, but I know that it pales in comparison to what you really are doing. I can't wait to see you again one day and listen to all of your stories of the glory that you have seen. One day, I will know that glory. What a blessing it is to know that I will be able to experience that with you one day.

I love you so much. I miss you more than anything! I know that you would want me to live my life to its fullest according what the Lord has for me, and I will do that, but I hope you know that I still think of you often and I love you immeasurably. I always will.

See you one day soon, my love.

Eternally Yours,