It has been quite a while since I have written in my journal and there is good reason for that. I have been busy with work and day-to-day life. Jay has had chemotherapy a couple of times in the past month and while the side effects are lingering a bit longer than past experiences, he is still fighting like the soldier that I have come to admire and love even more with each new day.
It amazes me that we’ve been battling this cancer for a year and a half now. Where did the time go? There are some days when it seems like this experience will never end but just when I start to feel battle weary, we are given some hope. Jay still has about five more treatments to go over the next couple of months, but we have been able to discuss things and come to a collective decision that if his next scan comes out clean, we are going to request to stop treatment. That would make two clean scans in a row and to continue taking the chemotherapy and having to deal with the side effects would just be too much for Jay to handle. It would seem as though we are doing more harm than good at that time. He could certainly use the break that’s for sure.
It has been really odd for me lately, even though Jay is doing well and things are progressing in a positive light, I have still been a bit battle-fatigued. Being responsible to go to work everyday regardless of Jay’s health concerns, handling the finances, and trying to keep up with life circumstances as they are handed to us each and every day have all taken a toll on me. I wish that I could escape from the pressure for just five minutes. But, I know that the Lord is continuing to stretch me and I need to persevere so that I can receive the blessings that He has in mind for us. I am holding on to that time because I know He will be faithful to deliver us from this situation.
I know that brokenness is where the Lord wants us to be so that He may show us His abilities. Not what I think He can do, but what He can PROVE He can do on my behalf. The state of brokenness is when we come to the end ourselves and are ready to surrender all. The glory of the Lord is seen in the transformation of our souls at that very moment of brokenness. It is a visible miracle we are gifted with as we witness Him physically, mentally, and spiritually change us from the inside out.
Check this out:
“Diamonds in the Dust” A devotional by Joni Eareckson Tada
Joni speaks of finding some broken glass in her studio by the window and mentioned how the light was beautifully refracted off of the broken pieces. She goes on to say, “What’s true of shattered glass is true of a broken life. Shattered dreams. A heart full of fissures. Hopes that are splintered. A life in pieces that appears to be ruined. But given time and prayer, such a person’s life can shine more brightly than if the brokenness had never happened. When the light of the Lord Jesus falls upon a shattered life, that believer’s hopes can be brightened.
It’s the nature of things that catch the light: The color and dazzle of light sparkles best through things that are shattered. Only our great God can reach down into what otherwise would be brokenness and produce something beautiful. With Him, nothing is wasted. Every broken dream and heart that hurts can be redeemed by His loving, warm touch. Your life may be shattered by sorrow, pain, or sin, but God has in mind a kaleidoscope through which His light can shine more brilliantly.”
This gift of words from Joni Eareckson Tada gives me so much encouragement. It helps me to remember that this experience with Jay’s cancer will be used to strengthen me and possibly others as I am able to minister to those who have been handed the same set of circumstances. It is my prayer that the Lord’s light will shine through me giving others that small glimpse into what it is like to have Jesus take up residence in the hearts of those who believe.
Heavenly Father, I have struggled, worried and been fearful of the outcome of this whole experience, but You are the One who gives me the strength and courage I need each day to fulfill my responsibilities to You, my husband, my family and friends. I thank You for that and ask that Your spirit continue to be filled afresh in me with each new day. Thank You that in spite of my circumstances, I am able to smile and still feel Your joy. In Jesus’ precious name. Amen.