Friday, October 26, 2007

Going Back In Time

It's time to celebrate my 20 year high school reunion this weekend.  Ahhhh 20 years!! It seems like just yesterday that I was in school.  I'd like to say that I didn't have a care in the world back then, but that's not so.  My school days were filled with all of the anxious life questions that a young girl shouldn't have to think about.  Will I have friends?  Am I pretty enough?  Will I ever have a boyfriend?  Will I get good grades?  Am I smart enough?  Why don't my parents get along?  Will I ever do anything important in my life?  Can I make a difference? 

Throughout my high school career I was filled with such doubt about my ability to fit in and when I managed to mold myself to fit in to certain groups, I still felt so out of place.  I had friends who partied and got drunk every weekend...certainly didn't fit in to that group!  I had friends who were teachers...didn't fit into that group either.  I fit into the jock group as far as sports were concerned, but the jocks were the weekend partiers so I only fit in as far as having the talent to play the chosen sport of the moment.  I wasn't popular by any means.  I wasn't pretty enough to be a cheerleader or to be on the dance squad, I wasn't smart enough to be in the academic clubs, I wasn't a trouble maker, nor was I adventurous so I couldn't fit in with those who took chances at getting caught doing something stupid like ditching class to go and get wasted...I just simply didn't find my niche.  But amazingly I managed to come away with a few friends from each of those groups. 

Flash forward 20 years preparing for this reunion...I find myself wondering if I will fit in or if I will be able to relate to that small group of friends that I managed to keep in touch with sporadically over the years.  I also wonder what has happened to those few people who managed to make my life a living hell on the school campus.  Wondering if they have changed their ways or if they have any regret as to how they treated people who weren't just like them. 

But, the Lord is faithful to keep my eyes focused on Him and He is preparing me for a ministry opportunity.  I don't need to worry about fitting in. I don't fit in...not to worldly groups.  I fit in perfectly to God's eternal plan.  That's all I need to worry about.  I only need to show the Lord's love that has been extended to me and I will be able to relate to anyone with an open heart.  That's all I need to care about.  Praise the Lord for His love and acceptance.  It is all I need.


Friday, October 19, 2007

Hop On To The E-Ticket Ride

Do you all remember when Disneyland had tickets for each section of the park?  For those of us who are old enough to remember, the E-Tickets were for the fast rides that twisted and turned your stomach into knots.  Well, these days, my daily life has been filled with all of the ups and downs as those roller coasters of old.  With the news of Jay being on chemotherapy for the rest of his life, I have experienced many emotions...just about every emotion that I think anyone can experience.

There are days when I think, "Okay, no problem, Jay's not super sick right now so I don't need to worry about him."  And then there are the days when, well to be perfectly honest, I don't know how long I have on this earth with my honey, and that thought saddens and frightens me beyond any level of those emotions that I've ever experienced and it's all I can do to function as a normal human being.  I believe that I've been going through the stages of mourning, even though Jay is basically fine right now.  I think I'm mourning the life he thought he'd have, and the life I thought we'd share together for many many years. 

The only thing I know to do is to keep praying for healing for Jay, as well as for the Lord's strength for me.  I can't live this life without my faith in a Heavenly Father who created everything including Jay and I.  I trust that the Lord is guiding the both of us.  I am grateful that I need only get down on my knees and allow the Lord to do His work in us.  All praise and glory given to Him.

Many blessings have come about as a result of our struggles.  Relationships have been mended, new ones begun, and many friends and family have surrounded us with all the love one can handle. 

Jay expressed wanting to take a vacation several weeks ago.  I happened to tell a friend that we were in need of taking a vacation together and the next thing we knew, we were being given the gift of a condo on the island of Kauai.  Wow!!!  That was an answered prayer!  All we needed to come up with was airfare and food.  I shared this HUGE blessing with another friend and the next thing I knew, we had free flights!  I shared both of these AMAZING blessings with another friend and the next thing I knew...we had a gift card for food!  GOD IS SO AWESOME!!!!  It is unbelievable to me that these people love Jay and I so much that they are willing to give up such wonderful gifts.  We didn't ask for it, but the Lord knew that we needed to share this special time together so He spoke to the hearts of our beautiful FAMILY...and used them so mightily to bless us.  It is overwhelming.

We are set to fly to Kauai on December 3rd...and let me tell cannot get here soon enough!  I am so eager to get away with my baby for a special time of togetherness that we've never experienced.  There is so much more meaning to this trip than any other time we've spent together.  I am so blessed to be able to do this with the absolute knowledge that we only have so much time on this earth and we are to make the best of every single second.

Don't take time for granted!  It is not guaranteed.

Precious Father, words alone will never express how much I love you for your love for us.  I can only say thank you with an overwhelmed heart.