"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back from captivity." Jeremiah 29:11-14a
This scripture has spoken to me for many years, but has never been more appropriate than right now...this season in my life. I've been seeking the Lord for comfort, rest and restoration since Jay passed away in July 2009; and He has been faithful to meet me, to comfort me and give me rest; but I am only just now beginning to feel His restoration of my life. While I am still uncertain of things to come, my God gives me the ability to look towards my future with much anticipation, and dare I say, excitement, for what He has for me.
It hasn't been an easy transition into the new life He has given me; it definitely took me a while to embrace what He gifted me with, but I can finally say that I am comfortable with where He has me. I am blessed by my room mate and how the Lord orchestrated us living together for this season in our lives. And now that I have been in the new place for four months, and have developed a pattern in my day, and am enjoying extended fellowship in the way of friends, work, choir rehearsals and bible studies - I am feeling like I am starting to live again. There is much more to be experienced in the way of ministries at church and missions trips, but that will all come according to the Lord's timing. He knows my desire; I will wait on Him.
While I still have many days where I stop and think of Jay (at times it's still very painful) I can feel the healing taking place in my heart. The God that works "all things out for the good to those who love Him and are called according to His purpose" is doing just that for me...working out the good for me. Many of the valleys of my life that can be perceived as bad to anyone on the outside, I am lifting them up to the Lord saying, "Thank You." He is showing me that what I have been through was extremely difficult, but I have never been alone, and I have learned so much about who He is and even who I am, and now I continue the journey on this path of discovering what I am to do to serve Him in this part of my life.
The questions I ask now are, "What do you have for me, Lord? Where can I serve You? Will I ever have love again? Will I ever become the person YOU have in mind?"
Knowing that the Lord only has my best interests at heart, it feels good to be able to trust that my Father will always take good care of me. More valleys will come, this I am certain of. But having been through one of the deepest, darkest valleys I can experience, and not only surviving it, but I have come through it praising His Holy Name; I think I will be okay. My hope and future are His.
By faith...
Heavenly Father, thank You for the healing and growth I have experienced lately. I have learned that I can trust You to lead the way; even when I don't like what You are leading me to and through, You are faithful to walk with me, guide me, hold me, strengthen me, and fill me with the bravery needed to persevere. Fill me afresh with Your Holy Spirit that I may continue to take steps in the direction in which You are guiding me. Use me, Lord. Use my circumstances to glorify You. I want none of it. Anything that is good in me is because of YOU. Show me how to be more like You. Transform me. It is Your image I want to reflect. Help me to know Your will for my life. Search me, God. I want a fresh start this day. I love You. I live for You. In Jesus name. Amen.
