Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Changing Direction

Okay, so here it is...the BIG question...

How do you switch gears from preparing for a loved one's death to suddenly looking at the possibility of spending a lifetime with them?  I have spent the past several days pondering this very question.  The Lord revealed a completely different plan to us a few weeks ago and now I am having trouble making the transition.  I have experienced every emotion possible.  I have been overwhelmed with joy, felt the sorrow for people who still face the cancer battle, feared the cancer coming back again, and now I'm in the "Now what do I do, Lord?" phase. 

A few months ago, Jay and I were making the "bucket list" of things to do before he died.  Today, we are faced with the very real possibility of him having to go back to work.  I know...I know...what a great dilemma to be in!  And it is!  Trust me, I count it a blessing.  It is just difficult because my head is still spinning and my heart overflowing from the turn of events.

I suppose more time has to go by before I will know which path the Lord has for us next.  Until then...I will stay the course until the Lord changes the direction of our path again.  I trust that He is capable to be the Leader...I am good with just being the follower.

God bless.

Friday, May 2, 2008

Survivor's Guilt?

A very unusual thing has been happening these past couple of days...I have been experiencing several different emotions after finding out that my husband is cancer free.  I've been thinking about those people in the hospital that weren't getting to go home just yet, or wouldn't ever go home...and the overwhelming feeling of sadness has been felt deep in my heart.  Could it be survivor's guilt???

And today, a co-worker of mine who has been facing the same struggles as me for quite some time because his wife has been battling cancer, has lost his beautiful wife to the disease.  And I feel that deep in my heart too...not because I knew his wife, but because I understood this man's trial and what he was going through... that is, until now.  

The Lord spared my husband and took his wife.  Please don't get me wrong...I totally understand that the Lord has a plan for each of us and I trust that when someone's time is up and the Lord calls them home, it fulfills the Lord's perfect plan.  The Lord holds the number of our days in His hands.  But, here is what I'm having a struggle with...how on earth did I get so blessed?  Why would the Lord choose to spare me and my husband and not the next person?  I will never be able to figure it out, but I am overwhelmed at the fact that the Lord has given me such a gift...and shown me such mercy.  I am overjoyed to the point of being dumbfounded!  Truly GOBSMACKED!...or GODsmacked!

We are told in the bible not to lean on our own understanding, but in all our ways, acknowledge God and He will direct our paths. (Proverbs 3:5-6)  Well, I am acknowledging that I don't have a bit of understanding as to what the Lord's plan is for us...but I am so blessed that it involves spending more time with my Jay.

I'm not to try and figure out God...it will never happen anyway...I am to simply live moment to moment and know in my heart that God is in control of everything...and He absolutely is!

Lord, a thank you will just never be enough...