Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Life Keeps Movin'...

Wow...blink and two months goes by without a blog entry!

Okay, so here is an update on ME...

The Lord is growing me in my faith as I walk this road of grief. Honestly, I thought I had it pretty much "handled"...and then my whole life changed. I didn't realize that making so many changes in a short period of time would cause me to react in such a way as to open up old wounds. And from what I hear, this is all very normal. The sniper known as "grief" has reared his ugly head these past couple of months. I was not prepared in the slightest for all of the range of emotions to come flooding back again.

I moved to my new apartment in July, and I love my new apartment, but when I moved in, there was nothing in it that said "Jay lives here." And I absolutely love my roomie, Kristin! She is a doll! But, I struggled for a brief time with living with someone that wasn't my husband. I had to form new routines in a new place with my new roomie...and I just wasn't really prepared for how I would feel about that. Thankfully, enough time has gone by and now I have accepted my new home and new roomie as my gift from the Lord and I have allowed the Lord to minister to me through this time. As I have released my vise grip on my past life and given it all to Him; He is slowly revealing to me what my new life holds.

I live with a great girl! She is an amazing and wonderful godly woman. She inspires me to take my vise grip and apply to the Lord's promises. Kristin is 10 years younger than I am, but is a wise-beyond-her-years kind of girl. As I am navigating this world now as a single woman, Kristin is my tangible example from the Lord of how to wait for the Lord's plan to unfold. Don't just live life looking for a spouse, but live life for the Lord and HIS selection for a spouse will come in HIS time.

A lot of people don't know the story of how Kristin and I came to be roommates. This story will show you just how the Lord orchestrates His perfect plans. After Jay had passed away in July last year, I had begun praying to the Lord for His direction on where I would be living. I couldn't really afford to stay in that house and maintain it for very long on one income so I began to pray for the Lord to show me if I should stick it out in the house or begin looking for an apartment somewhere. It took a couple of months with no answers from the Lord, so I decided to go and look at apartments myself so I could see what was out there. Well, what I saw was that I can't afford an apartment either!! Apartments are ridiculously expensive! But every time I began looking at apartments, I felt in my heart, the Lord telling me NO. He kept putting the scripture Psalm 46:10 "Be still and know that I AM God" in front of me...on cards, in books, in my journals, etc. So, I just kept praying and seeking His plan.

One day, I had just had enough of the waiting and I poured my heart out to the Lord and said, "Lord, where am I supposed to live? What should I do? Am I supposed to stay in this house that I can't take care of? I can't afford anything out there! What should I do?" And right as I was crying out to Him; He flashed a picture of Kristin's face inside my heart. And I thought, "Lord, what does that mean?" He just kept showing me Kristin! Now, at this time, Kristin and I were co-workers, working on becoming good friends...going to lunch from time to time...but I wouldn't say that we were "besties' or anything...I don't think she would either. LOL But, I just kept placing it before the Lord asking Him to tell me what He had planned and He just continued to place Kristin on my heart. So, I finally said, "Okay, Lord, if you are saying that Kristin and I should discuss moving in together, have her come to me! She is so much younger than me! Why would she want to live with me? Lord, are you sure?"

So, I continued to pray about it for some time...I didn't even tell my best friend Karen about what the Lord had shown me! THAT is a miracle! But I wanted to see how the Lord worked this one out and thought it would be best to leave it between Him and me...and Kristin.

A number of weeks later, I get an email from Kristin saying, "Hey, let's meet for lunch sometime. I want to talk to you about something." Well...right then and there, I KNEW! So, I went over and told Karen all that had happened...I think she thought I was a little nutso, but I told her that I thought Kristin was going to talk to me about this and I would let her know when I got back from having lunch with her.

Kristin and I met that afternoon for lunch. And she started the conversation with something like this, "Well, I wanted to talk to you about something...I don't know where you are at with the whole living situation but I was wondering if you might be interested in getting a place together?" And I just looked at Kristin with this KNOWING look and smile on my face. I told her everything that the Lord had shown me and that I KNEW she was going to talk to me about this! She got glory bumps!! We both did!! But then she had a little twist on the story herself. She told me that the Lord had shown her my face and given her my name even before Jay had passed away. She continued to pray for me and my situation and our possible future living arrangement for months before even deciding to approach me about living together!

GOD IS AN AMAZING GOD!! Seriously, when He says He has a plan...and He has it all under control...HE AIN'T JUST WHISTLING DIXIE!! He truly has every tiny little detail in order and He works all things out for the good to those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.

So, here we are! Kristin and I are now living together and she has been so patient to deal with my ups and downs and transitions. The Lord has blessed me with a great friend.

In addition to transitioning into a new life, last month I had to have knee surgery to repair two tears in my right meniscus. Outpatient surgery was set for 8/26, and the days leading up to the surgery were a struggle because it was my first major "thing" to happen without Jay. I couldn't figure out why I was so down about the whole thing, and then the night before the surgery while driving in my car to Karen's house where I would be recovering after surgery, I muttered, "Lord, I wish Jay could be here with me for this." And just like that - I understood why I was feeling so poorly. I was really missing my honey. I can't believe more than a year later and I still get the wind knocked out of me when I realize that he is not here anymore. Weird how the roller coaster of emotions can get triggered by the smallest of things.

So, here I am - I went through surgery and have recovered now. I'm still missing my honey, but the heart pain has subsided for now.

For now.

TODAY, I am well...I am living...and I am learning to love my life again. God is faithful. I am blessed. (Note to self: Let's try to stay focused on that, Jamie.)

Life keeps movin'...I think I'll put my tennis shoes on and start movin' along with it.