The Passing of A Friend

Through this journal, I have made many friends...but there is one friend in particular that has touched my life for such a brief period of time, and now she is gone.  I stumbled upon Kim's journal, "I Shaved My Legs For This" as I was learning how to journal myself.  Kim had breast cancer.  At the time that we met, I thought that she would beat it because she had such a fighting spirit.  I posted her journal site on my blog so others could click on it and read what a wonderful woman she was. 

Unfortunately, Kimmie passed away yesterday...finally ending the horrendous battle with this relentless disease.  Kimmie is no longer having to take chemo, radiation and a slew of other so-called treatments.  She is out of pain.  Out of anguish.

I was blessed to get to know such an amazingly strong woman.  She inspired me in so many ways. 

For anyone fighting cancer or caring for someone fighting the cancer battle, please go to Kim's journal site and read her entries.  You'll be inspired in your own lives to make a difference.  I promise you that.

Rest in peace Kimmie.  You were loved in this life and will never be forgotten.

An Attitude of Thanksgiving

So it's the night before Thanksgiving and I have contemplated much.  I have been thinking about what I am thankful for.  There are a number of things that I can say that I am thankful for...like my friends and family, love, the roof over my head, and on and on.  But, what I am most thankful for is cancer.  Now don't freak out on me...I'm not saying that I'm thankful that my honey has to deal with the highs and lows of cancer and what it does to him physically.  I AM saying that if it weren't for him having this cancer, we wouldn't be so keenly aware of time and just how precious it is.  We lived like everyone else before Jay got cancer.  We lived our own lives, going about our everyday business just barely making it from one day to the next.  He had his hobbies and his job and I had mine.  And for a moment on February 1, 2006, all time stopped...suddenly our lives would NEVER be the same. 

From that time until now, we have become so close to one another as well as our friends and families.  I think it's an amazing way for the Lord to get our attention.  God didn't do this to my husband, but He allowed it to happen in order that we may come together in a way that is indescribable unless you're going through it.  The bible tells us that we are to "count it all joy" in times of trial.  Not meaning that we should be happy that we are going through hard times, but merely that we should seek the blessing in the process.  And although I have not always been successful in doing this, today, I am able to see what a gift the Lord has given us.  Time...and the full awareness of it.  Everything looks, smells and feels completely different now.  Everything has become a treasure to me and Jay.  We don't take life for granted anymore.  We see the importance of making the most of every minute.  We are living life; not just existing in it now.  So, yes, I am thankful for cancer.  This cancer; our cancer; this moment, right now. 

I pray that your Thanksgiving will reveal much to you.  Cherish every moment.

God Bless.

Stretch Armstrong!

Do you remember the days of Stretch Armstrong? It was a doll for boys, mainly, but I played with my brother's Stretch Armstrong because I loved the fact that you could totally stretch his arms about four feet! As an adult now, and as a Christian adult, I feel like that crazy doll except that it is the Lord that stretches me and I know that it is for my own good. Really, I'm more like Silly Putty. The stuff that gets rolled up into a little ball and then pounded flat and stretched and molded into shape after shape. Sometimes it can be overwhelming. But mostly, I'm just thankful to be recreated and made new with each new challenge.

These days, life is just a matter of existing one minute to the next. Jay's short term disability finally ran out this past week and I'm on a new quest to get him on permanent disability. I'm taking on the State of California! It's just a matter of surviving the red tape. But, as this challenge has been set before me, the only thing I can think of is I am thankful that I still have a husband to fight for. The Lord is faithful to give me the strength I need to continue in this battle. I need not concern myself because He is my provision and I know for a fact that He has this under control. There is a peace in my heart. So, no matter how long it takes to wade through the red tape, I have the Lord's strength to just keep on paddling.

As for Jay, we just had an appointment with the oncologist and a PET/CT scan is set for next week and an MRI the following week. Jay had a headache when we went for the appointment so the doctor totally gravitated to that immediately. Jay has many sinus headaches from the Avastin he receives through his portacathiter, but the doctor isn't going to take any chances. Well, that and the fact that I pushed for the MRI. The doc doesn't seem worried at all about it and is convinced that there is nothing going on in Jay's head (LOL...nothing going on in his head! I knew it!) but I think if the doc is willing to authorize it, we are better off to rule out all possibility. So, we'll know more information just prior to our trip to Kauai. I'll keep you guys posted.

Life is one constant lesson....and I'm learning.

20 Years Later

Me and the gang...20 years later!!  Look at those sexy girls!  And then Darin.  Darin was and is still a sweetheart.  This is a great group of people.  These are people that are going to change the world just by being as wonderful as they are.

Getting Ready - Me (in the middle) and then Julie (left) and Christine(a) (right).  None of us know if we should call her ChristinA or ChristinE.  In high school she went by Christina.  Now that she's a hotshot photographer, she's Christine.  So, take your pick.

Me and Tuesdee (Tues) - Friends since 4th grade.  First time we've seen each other in 11+ years.  No changes except that we all have "Woman Figures."

 

Okay, so me and my group of friends got together at Christina's house to get ready and then drive down together to Orange County.  The event was being held at the House of Blues in Anaheim.  Cut to the scene where we are all piled into the car and we're listening to old school rap...I mean OLD SCHOOL...well, 20 year old OLD SCHOOL.  Run DMC, etc.  It was great.  I haven't listened to that music since I was in high school so it was kind of neat to relive the days when I used to actually break dance.  Yes, ME, break dancing.  Then, not now...obviously.

So we get to the House of Blues and this is the scene...a bar with a bunch of drunk people and finger foods.  Pathetic!  I paid $90 for this??!  It was like the Desperate Housewives of Arlington High School, Class of 1987 decided that they needed a night away from the family so they used our reunion as an excuse to dress up in cocktail dresses cut down to "there" and short enough to see "there" and show off all of their goodies.  No thanks.  Ugh.

The music was so loud that people didn't feel free to mingle and see where classmates have been for the past 20 years.  So, just like in high school, the same groups of people hung out and no one else could feel comfortable joining their little click.  So, basically, my little group of friends and I could've saved our money and stayed in Riverside at Christina's house and talked about where we have been in our lives.  Thankfully, I have stayed in touch with this particular group of friends over the years so I felt at home with them. 

We eventually left the torture chamber that was the House of Blues and went to Denny's, just like we used to do in high school, and sat for hours and talked and laughed. 

I have made friendships for a lifetime and I am satisfied with that.  I never need to step foot in a reunion again.  I am content with where I am at and who I have surrounded myself with.  That's all that counts.

I am blessed.

Going Back In Time

It's time to celebrate my 20 year high school reunion this weekend.  Ahhhh 20 years!! It seems like just yesterday that I was in school.  I'd like to say that I didn't have a care in the world back then, but that's not so.  My school days were filled with all of the anxious life questions that a young girl shouldn't have to think about.  Will I have friends?  Am I pretty enough?  Will I ever have a boyfriend?  Will I get good grades?  Am I smart enough?  Why don't my parents get along?  Will I ever do anything important in my life?  Can I make a difference? 

Throughout my high school career I was filled with such doubt about my ability to fit in and when I managed to mold myself to fit in to certain groups, I still felt so out of place.  I had friends who partied and got drunk every weekend...certainly didn't fit in to that group!  I had friends who were teachers...didn't fit into that group either.  I fit into the jock group as far as sports were concerned, but the jocks were the weekend partiers so I only fit in as far as having the talent to play the chosen sport of the moment.  I wasn't popular by any means.  I wasn't pretty enough to be a cheerleader or to be on the dance squad, I wasn't smart enough to be in the academic clubs, I wasn't a trouble maker, nor was I adventurous so I couldn't fit in with those who took chances at getting caught doing something stupid like ditching class to go and get wasted...I just simply didn't find my niche.  But amazingly I managed to come away with a few friends from each of those groups. 

Flash forward 20 years later...in preparing for this reunion...I find myself wondering if I will fit in or if I will be able to relate to that small group of friends that I managed to keep in touch with sporadically over the years.  I also wonder what has happened to those few people who managed to make my life a living hell on the school campus.  Wondering if they have changed their ways or if they have any regret as to how they treated people who weren't just like them. 

But, the Lord is faithful to keep my eyes focused on Him and He is preparing me for a ministry opportunity.  I don't need to worry about fitting in. I don't fit in...not to worldly groups.  I fit in perfectly to God's eternal plan.  That's all I need to worry about.  I only need to show the Lord's love that has been extended to me and I will be able to relate to anyone with an open heart.  That's all I need to care about.  Praise the Lord for His love and acceptance.  It is all I need.

 

Hop On To The E-Ticket Ride

Do you all remember when Disneyland had tickets for each section of the park?  For those of us who are old enough to remember, the E-Tickets were for the fast rides that twisted and turned your stomach into knots.  Well, these days, my daily life has been filled with all of the ups and downs as those roller coasters of old.  With the news of Jay being on chemotherapy for the rest of his life, I have experienced many emotions...just about every emotion that I think anyone can experience.

There are days when I think, "Okay, no problem, Jay's not super sick right now so I don't need to worry about him."  And then there are the days when, well to be perfectly honest, I don't know how long I have on this earth with my honey, and that thought saddens and frightens me beyond any level of those emotions that I've ever experienced and it's all I can do to function as a normal human being.  I believe that I've been going through the stages of mourning, even though Jay is basically fine right now.  I think I'm mourning the life he thought he'd have, and the life I thought we'd share together for many many years. 

The only thing I know to do is to keep praying for healing for Jay, as well as for the Lord's strength for me.  I can't live this life without my faith in a Heavenly Father who created everything including Jay and I.  I trust that the Lord is guiding the both of us.  I am grateful that I need only get down on my knees and allow the Lord to do His work in us.  All praise and glory given to Him.

Many blessings have come about as a result of our struggles.  Relationships have been mended, new ones begun, and many friends and family have surrounded us with all the love one can handle. 

Jay expressed wanting to take a vacation several weeks ago.  I happened to tell a friend that we were in need of taking a vacation together and the next thing we knew, we were being given the gift of a condo on the island of Kauai.  Wow!!!  That was an answered prayer!  All we needed to come up with was airfare and food.  I shared this HUGE blessing with another friend and the next thing I knew, we had free flights!  I shared both of these AMAZING blessings with another friend and the next thing I knew...we had a gift card for food!  GOD IS SO AWESOME!!!!  It is unbelievable to me that these people love Jay and I so much that they are willing to give up such wonderful gifts.  We didn't ask for it, but the Lord knew that we needed to share this special time together so He spoke to the hearts of our beautiful friends...no FAMILY...and used them so mightily to bless us.  It is overwhelming.

We are set to fly to Kauai on December 3rd...and let me tell you...it cannot get here soon enough!  I am so eager to get away with my baby for a special time of togetherness that we've never experienced.  There is so much more meaning to this trip than any other time we've spent together.  I am so blessed to be able to do this with the absolute knowledge that we only have so much time on this earth and we are to make the best of every single second.

Don't take time for granted!  It is not guaranteed.

Precious Father, words alone will never express how much I love you for your love for us.  I can only say thank you with an overwhelmed heart.

The Latest Information on Jay

Hello All,

Just a quick update on my honey....sorry it has taken me so long to do a journal entry.

Well, first, let me tell you all that Jay is hanging in there and being the strong warrior we all know him to be.  Second, the tough part...we saw the oncologist a few weeks ago and Jay's cancer is back again.  The scan shows another tumor growing in his abdomen.  It's about an inch in diameter.  This prompted Jay to ask some very pointed questions and the doctor gave him very direct answers.  Jay asked what the likelihood was that the cancer would come back again even if the chemo were to kill this tumor.  The doctor's answer?  "100% probability.  Mr. Hare, there is no cure for this.  You will continue to be on chemotherapy to try to keep the cancer at bay for as long as we can."  Translation? Jay will be on chemotherapy for the rest of his life.  However long that is.  No prognosis or anything like that was given because people can live for years and years on chemotherapy.  It is known to prolong the life of many cancer patients.  The doctor told us that we should look into permanent disability because he won't be able to work while enduring several more rounds of chemotherapy.  A tough pill to swallow, but Jay handled it very well and he is doing everything he can to not allow negative thoughts to enter his mind.  As for me, well...we can say that my faith is being stretched, even tested, but I know that my God is in control and He will do something so wonderful with this seemingly terrifying situation.  I am grasping on tightly to that knowledge.

Jay is keeping busy with fishing trips being planned, days of golf under his belt and just new projects around the house.  We are looking at getting a new doggie too!  A beautiful six year old male Boxer named "TJ."  What a blessing that will be for Jay.  For both of us!  We need a rambunctious animal to keep us focused on having fun and staying active.  You should've seen Jay's face when he met TJ.  It was love at first sight.  We are going to take Sonny over to meet TJ tonight.  Provided Sonny doesn't try to kill TJ (LOL) we will bring TJ home on Saturday.  I can't wait!

Well, that's it for now.  I will write again soon with more updates and possibly a picture of Jay with TJ.

Love to you all!