Not Just Me, but WE...

"And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching." Hebrews 10:24-25

One of our youngest, and newest pastors, Adam Eaton, spoke to the congregation this past Sunday morning about why the church exists". (http://www.harvest.org/media/watch/we-not-me-by-adam-eaton-20141012.html) My mind is still marinating in what the Lord shared. through Adam. He spoke of the early church, seen in Acts 2, and how they were about community, coming together in fellowship, exhortation, and prayer. They existed to build one another up, to glorify God, and to evangelize the world. They were there to spur each other on to do good works, as well as provide comfort when the "bottom dropped out" from beneath them.

Today, the church is intended to do the same. Pastor Adam spoke of what happened when the bottom dropped out from his world when his wife left him, and he spoke of how the church, OUR church, was there for him to encourage him to continue to do what the Lord had called him to do. He was upheld, exhorted, held accountable for his reaction to what his wife was doing, and when the bottom completely dropped out the day his wife decided to file for a divorce, our church stood in the gap, stood by his side, and even carried him when he needed it.

The same was true for me when the bottom dropped out from underneath me in July 2009 when my husband passed away and my church family surrounded me, carried me, and prayed me through the devastating loss of the man that I had spent half of my life with. Without the love of my brothers and sisters in the Lord, I do not know how I would have survived the treacherous path of grief!

I have been thinking about the path. My path. The road no one ever wants. The road that everyone dreads. The road that is inevitable on this side of heaven.

Widowhood.

I am the widow chosen to be the coordinator of our church's widows' ministry. I am so blessed to be chosen for such a calling. A calling that I am only equipped for by the grace of God. In the beginning months of my ministry, my main burden was to minister to those who walked through the doors of the church looking for the comfort and guidance that they so badly needed. And while that is still a burden on my heart BIG TIME, my heart is sensing that the Lord wants more.

When we first started the ministry two years ago, me and my co-coordinator Susan Campbell, were focused on providing a way for our girls to fellowship and create friendships. In making this our focus, we have held many events and brought the girls together for Bunco, movie nights, BBQ fellowships, musicals, weekend trips, volunteer work, and we have joined in the fellowship at the church's Surf Fellowship that takes place every summer, every other Saturday. These opportunities for fellowship have brought LIFE back to the widows! So much so that we have been dubbed the "Wild Widows" because we have such a wonderful time getting out there and doing what the Lord has asked us to do...give GLORY to Him. We experience God's JOY when we are able to give Him glory through our circumstances. Is it always easy? NO! But we get out there and hopefully show other widows that they don't have to dress in sackcloth and ashes and curl up into a ball and cry ourselves to death to mourn our husbands. Do we cry? YES! A LOT!! Probably more than anyone that hasn't been through it can imagine. But the enemy loves nothing more than to kick us when we are down, so it is our hope that other widows that see how much LIFE we have in us will encourage them to take the steps necessary to start living again.

Seeing that our ministry has had such an impact on so many other widows, as I said previously, I believe the Lord is calling for something more. I believe the Lord wants to use this ministry to show the married women of our church that when their time comes to be called to widowhood, they will see that they will be blessed by God! The church, just like the Lord, has a heart for the widows. The Lord brought this ministry at the perfect time! There will be widows added to the church today, and in the days and years to come. I used to cry thinking that I didn't want another widow added to our ministry! "NOT ONE MORE", I would cry out to the Lord. But the Lord has given me eyes to see that because death is inevitable this side of heaven, this ministry is a provision from HIM...a gift...for those who will, one day, walk this road. Now they don't have to travel the road alone. The beautiful women of our ministry will be able to come along side each woman who has been given the "assignment" of widow, and walk the road with them so that they will know that they are not alone, and not just that, they will be able to live again.

Not many who are married now actually think about the future in this sense, but it is my prayer that when they see our sweet ladies out and about, or they see our pictures on Facebook, or they hear us hooting and hollering at the top of our lungs while we are playing a game of Bunco...they will tuck those pictures and sounds away in their hearts so that when the day comes, they will know in their heart of hearts that they will be okay, and that the Lord is OH SO FAITHFUL! Praise Jesus!

 

"For great is his love toward us, and the faithfulness of the Lord endures forever. Praise the Lord." Psalm 117:2

Promises...

"God is in the midst of her, she shall not be moved;
God shall help her, just at the break of dawn." Psalm 46:5

This scripture has proven to be quite the promise from the Lord, and dare I say, was written just for ME! God knew the path my life would take and knew that I would need a special word from Him that would help me to persevere and keep going. This verse has seen me through the best and worst of times. It has kept me strong when I have been so incredibly weak. It has given me power by the Holy Spirit as I have received it into my heart and allowed it to transform my life. It has given glory to God as I have continued to walk the path set before me knowing that at the core of my being God resides and stands firm and others are a witness to this. A widows' journey is never easy, but with a promise such as this, the path most certainly CAN be navigated and the experience empowering...by God alone.

This week (July 12th) is the 4th heavenly birthday for my Jay. I celebrate and rejoice that I know where he spends his eternity and that one day I will see him again. But what a journey this has been for me since he departed!! God has shown me so much about myself. For the things that the Lord wanted changed, He has forever changed. For the things about me that He wanted to enhance, He has refined and magnified! He has given and He has taken away. I have been transformed! Blessed be the name of the Lord! I will never know if any of this would have happened if Jay hadn't been taken to heaven. Having that answer really won't even matter when I get to heaven...but I can be thankful right now that the Lord saw fit to use such a traumatic experience to bring forth a "new and improved" ME!

At the 4-year mark of my widowhood, I know that Jay would be very proud of who I have become in the Lord, but more important to me now is that I AM PROUD OF MYSELF! Not proud as in being prideful, but proud because the Lord has accomplished SO much in my new life. When I first became a widow, I lived my life as someone who wanted to be the person I knew my husband always wanted to see me become. As I have learned to live my life completely and sold out for Jesus, I no longer find the need, nor have the desire, to seek that earthly approval. And in seeking the Lord, and discovering His plan to use me for His glory, it is only God's love and His ways that I seek and that is SO fulfilling to me.

So the adventure continues as I learn more and more about who I am in Christ Jesus! I identify more now with being a single woman than being a widow...although I am still a widow. That is some serious healing right there folks! My heart is open to whatever plan the Lord has for my life. I may not always agree on the path, but being obedient to stay on that path that He has ordained for me is what I desire to do and is what I seek after. "Trust the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your paths." Proverbs 3:5-6 says it exactly as it is. If you can trust the Lord no matter what the situation; acknowledge that He is in control and LET HIM BE...then He is faithful to guide you along in your life. I have not always been able to do this, but I know that when I am faithful to allow God to work in my life THIS is the end result! God's glory is revealed!

So in my adventures now, I desire to do new things...go to new places...experience life! I want to travel, and try new foods and new cultures. My greatest heart's desire is still to travel to Israel. My heart yearns to walk in the land that my Savior walked and performed miracles...and offered Himself up as the ultimate sacrifice for my sins so I may be reconciled to God, my Father! I don't know if I will ever be able to go, but I hold out hope that God hears my heart's plea and will grant me a trip there one day.

Okay, so one of my newest adventures was attempting to SURF! Oh my gosh, so hilarious! But I did surf! I got up and rode a wave in! So cool!! I can't wait to do it again! Check that off my bucket list! LOL

 

I am always encouraging my widows to not be afraid to try something new. Or to go somewhere on your own. Taking ownership of the life the Lord has allowed for us is the way to receive His ultimate healing in our hearts. I have to live this by example. I desire to show other widows that although you might think that this big of a loss might kill you; it really will not. That is not God's desire. God's desire is for us to find out what His new plan is for our lives and then strive to LIVE in that new life.

 

Next up on my "trying something new" list is a mud run in September. Wish me luck! But more than that...PRAY FOR ME! LOL. I am excited and terrified...but I will do it! That is how I live my life now. I am excited and terrified, but I will do this for the Lord!

 

Ready or not, HERE I COME!!

 

Thank You, Lord, for all that You have accomplished in my life thus far. I look forward to the plan you have for my life. I know I don't always see the road before me, but You are always faithful to take me by the hand. You are my God Who sees ME and loves me and guides me on my specific path that You have ordained for me. Lord, I long to glorify You on this journey that is my life. Help me to see through Your eyes. I love you eternally. I am Yours! In Jesus name. Amen. 

Reflection of His Glory...

"But may the God of all grace, who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a while, perfect, establish, strengthen, and settle you.  To Him be the glory and the dominion forever and ever. Amen. " 1 Peter 5:10-11

I am still "chewing" on this scripture after having attended a widows' retreat this past weekend in which this scripture was the "theme". The weekend was so powerful, and filled with the Lord's love. 104 widows from several different states coming for a respite from their daily lives filled with every imaginable emotion as a result of the loss of their husband. Each widow with a similar, yet different, testimony to be shared. Widows shouldering each other's burdens to lighten the load...truly as the Lord intended the path of grief to be...comforting each other with the comfort we ourselves have received. His love perfected in the broken hearted.

I have read 1 Peter 5:10-11 before, and of course God's Word is always impactful...ALWAYS alive and can be applied to every situation as you are experiencing it.  And the same scripture can speak differently to you in the various circumstances you go through...so no matter how many times you have read the same scripture...its meaning is significant where you are at...right this minute. So this weekend as I was fellowshipping with my widow-sisters, and as I was contemplating this scripture...it took on a brand new meaning for the place that I am in right now in my widowhood.

The road has been a long one for the 3 1/2 years that I have been widowed. Some days seemed much longer than others...but I have persevered and traveled this road, putting one foot in front of the other even when I didn't feel like moving...AT ALL. Truly, the suffering has been extensive for more years than I have actually been a widow. It began the day my husband Jay was diagnosed with cancer and continued on long after he died from it. So, when I read something like this scripture that tells me that my suffering will be for "a little while"...the next question is, just how LITTLE is little?? Well, if the Lord has a different plan for each individual person...then obviously, the answer would be that it is different for everyone...and it is up to the individual to WAIT upon the Lord for His still, small voice to tell you that your time for suffering from a certain situation is over.

And with that, the Lord whispered in my ear this weekend that my time of suffering from the loss of my husband has ended. Let me make myself clear...my grief HAS NOT ended...I still think of and miss my husband...but the physical, emotional, and monetary suffering that came with Jay's death has come to an end. I am no longer sickened at the thought that Jay is in heaven. I am no longer extremely emotional. And I am no longer suffering the financial straights that I was left in when he passed. I have been set FREE from my suffering!! Praise Jesus!

I was already feeling this very thing in my heart these past few months, but over the weekend at this widows' retreat, the Lord confirmed to me that because I have suffered "for a little while" He is now at work perfecting, establishing, strengthening and settling me. What a tremendous GIFT!! The Lord saw fit to show me just how far I have truly come in my grief process. This gift is my reward for being diligent to follow His road, His plan, and His Light no matter how difficult it was! This is an amazing testament to His faithfulness to meet me where I am at and grow my faith in Him and to add to my own personal testimony...and to be used for what purpose??? TO BRING HIM GLORY! Will there be more suffering in my life...absolutely, YES. But my suffering for this season has come to a close and I am ever so grateful for His healing touch on my heart. May His work in my life and in my heart be perfected according to HIS will and HIS plan!

To God be the glory and the dominion forever and ever. AMEN!

Witness...

"Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven." Matthew 5:16


When I gave my life to Christ, I had no idea what HE would be able to do with a simple minded, wretched woman like me. As I look back on what the Lord has done for me in my life, I am blown away at the extent at which He has seen fit to use me, and my circumstances, to reach out to others.

I started writing this blog when my husband was diagnosed with cancer, and I recognized my absolute need for Jesus and I set out to seek how He would use that trial and everything that came along with it. It was my own personal journey with Jesus...my faith-walk. It was my reminder to myself of what the Lord had accomplished through my peeks and valleys...

And then people actually started reading it, and being encouraged in their own tough circumstances...such an amazing feeling for me because I never thought my life, and the events of it, would speak to anyone...except me. But God uses every THING and He can use everyONE!

All of these years later, and I just found out through Google that my blog has been visited thousands of times, and in several countries! SERIOUSLY! People in other countries, not just my little corner of the world and not just my sweet friends who want to encourage me and help me feel good about my writing! LOL

People in the USA, India, Russia, United Kingdom, Canada, Philippines, Malaysia, Australia, South Africa and Latvia have read about my journey. I don't even know where Latvia is! LOL! But it's true...you just never know what the Lord will do with your circumstances in order to glorify Himself! You don't know how the trials you are experiencing will touch someone else's life.

"Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven."

That says it all...

Thank You, Father, for the reminder that I need to allow others to see YOU through me and through my circumstances. Thank You that there isn't anything that I go through that goes to waste. You use everything! I praise You for Your guidance. Thank You for living in my heart. May YOU receive the glory for anything good that is in me. Help me to continue to shine Your light, Lord. In Jesus name. Amen!

All Things Work Together...

"And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28

Well, here it is...I have finally reached the point where I can actually SEE the Lord's handy work and greater purpose for my life! It is a milestone I didn't think I would ever reach.Throughout all of the grit and gore of my mourning, the Lord has proven to be faithful to me and He promised me through His word that He would use everything for His purposes. This promise I have held onto with a death-grip since even before Jay passed away!

When you are the one swimming in the "sea of grief" it is very difficult to fathom that the Lord could use such a devastating circumstance to encourage others and bring glory to Himself. This would be why HE is God and I am NOT. My quickly failing, over-the-age of 40 human eyesight, has given way to divine clarity in recent days...and MY GOD will receive the glory for what He has placed before me.

I have a heart to minister to other widows. I have had that burden on my heart for a couple of years now. The Lord has strategically placed widows in my life for me to encourage throughout my mourning process. He was preparing me all along for this calling. I will be the coordinator for the new widow's ministry at my church! This is a BIG responsibility and I am taking it very seriously. The enemy would love for me to be distracted or scared, but I am so excited for this opportunity to love on my widow-sisters. It fills my heart with such joy to be able to encourage a sister on her journey through mourning the loss of their husband.  The Lord is healing me more and more with each time I am able to encourage someone to not give up hope. It is true - you really do receive comfort by comforting others. God's word is more alive now than ever before!

For a very long time there have been no ministries that I truly felt like I belonged in because of my widowhood. When you become a widow, you sort of feel like an alien. You're "technically" single, but you certainly don't feel single. You're "biblically" married to the Lord (Isaiah 54:5), but that feels foreign because you are used to having your human husband with you and he is now in heaven. You have no single friends, only married ones, and you often feel like a third wheel when you hang out with them. You just don't feel like you "fit" anywhere.

So NOW is the time! The Lord has given me the gift of a "place of belonging"...and I am blessed to help other widows find their place of belonging.

Romans 8:28...Oh yes, the Lord truly does use everything to serve HIS purpose and bring glory to His name!

He is faithful.

He is good.

He is ever-present.

He is merciful.


HE IS LOVE.


Thank you, Jesus!

Salt and Light...

“You are the salt of the earth; but if the salt loses its flavor, how shall it be seasoned? It is then good for nothing but to be thrown out and trampled underfoot by men. You are the light of the world. A city that is set on a hill cannot be hidden. Nor do they light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a lampstand, and it gives light to all who are in the house. Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven." 

~Matthew 5:13-16

One of the pastors of my church just spoke about this scripture this morning for our staff devotions. First, it is such a blessing to work for my church...second, it is a blessing to be held accountable to the Lord through a staff devotion...God is SO GOOD!

The message this morning pierced my heart with the spear of TRUTH. The first verse, "You are the salt of the earth; but if the salt loses its flavor, how shall it be seasoned?", reminds me that, as a believer, I need to keep my walk right with the Lord so that He may use me to speak HIS truth. If I don't keep my heart right and get the junk out and fill it with God's Word then I am not allowing myself to be that salt in a world that is desperate for healing.

Salt is a preservative. Salt is an antibacterial agent used to ward off disease. Salt promotes healing.

I was exhorted to look within my heart and ask the Lord what things He might want me to change, idols to be gotten rid of; find what might be holding me back from fully serving Him. I am still allowing Him to search my heart and speak to me. I want to be fully yielded. I want to be that open vessel used to help others for His glory.

The second part of the scripture, "You are the light of the world...Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven."...WOW! That one packs a punch!  Being "the light" is never an easy task for this dark world we live in. There are things and people that I experience everyday that try to dim the Lord's light within me. I have to admit that the past few years have proven to be a trial so difficult that I really felt as though the light in my heart was dimmed to a small spark. But as the Lord so faithfully reminds me, even a spark, when properly provoked, can become a forest fire! I have been praying for the Lord to fan this flame in my heart that it might bring about a massive wall of fire. I SO desire to shine a light for Jesus' sake.

Jesus died for me, for my sins! It is my desire for people to know that and recognize the fact that I truly am a JESUS FREAK! His love for me will never die. I am saved from an eternity of death and despair because of what Jesus did on the cross. This is what I want the WORLD to know...that they have a Savior that loves them and there is an abundant life awaiting them if they only open their hearts to believe. I want to have a BOLD faith! I don't want to disguise or hide my faith in Jesus Christ. I want my faith to be a beacon of HOPE for those that feel like they have none.

Listening to the exhortation from our pastor really made my heart JUMP with excitement! I desire to serve in missions. Pastor Rick serves over the missions ministry. He spoke of the many opportunities to serve throughout the United States, Mexico, and now Haiti. As he was speaking and showing the pictures and describing the scene of destruction that they often find themselves serving in. People whose souls are downcast, and they only need one person to throw arms around them and pray for them and show them the love of Christ.  THAT'S ME!!! THAT'S ME!! Send ME Lord!!

So that will be the thing that I seek after the Lord for. Provision and prayer, asking the Lord to provide a way for me to serve Him and shine His light in the missions. That is my heart's desire. I will be actively pursuing the Lord's will and timing for serving in missions field.  Until then...it starts at home. How can I help others who live near me? What can I do to glorify the Lord in my own little town? How can I be that salt and light?

Thank You, Lord! I wait expectantly for an answer from You. YOU are faithful! May You receive the glory for anything that is good within Me! In Jesus name. Amen!

Stillness in the Lord...

"Be still and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10

This scripture is ever present in my life. I can't tell you how many times this scripture has "somehow" (we all know how...or should I say "Who") been placed before me. Nearly every question that I ask of the Lord can be answered with this scripture...

• Lord, I am not comfortable with this circumstance. How long will it be like this?
• Lord, why do I feel like things just aren't the way they should be?
• Lord, I need to make some changes, what would You have me to do?
• Lord, I desire to have someone new in my life, is that what You have in Your plans for me?
• Lord, I don't know what to do in this situation. Will You help me?

All to be answered with..."Be still and know that I AM God."

No one likes to sit and wait. Everything in life is rush, rush, rush...but I am being continually reminded that when God says "I AM"...that means HE IS! And you just don't question it. God is in control, and when the weight of the world rests on my shoulders, I have only to remember this promise, that He IS God and I am to BE STILL and trust Him for His plan to reveal itself to Me in His perfect time.

There are stirrings in my heart for things that I'd like to do as a ministry. I have been praying for a long time about a widows ministry. For obvious reasons, I am drawn to the care of widows. The Lord is slowly revealing things to Me and prayerfully it will lead to a ministry at church, but if it's not His will for it to be a ministry at church, it could just be that I need to make it my personal ministry. My heart has received much healing from the Lord as I have ministered to women I know, and some that I don't know, that have become widows. We share a common bond that not many (thankfully) women share. But as I get older, it is happening more and more. I believe the Lord has gifted me with a heart of mercy so that, as I have grieved the loss of my husband, I might be able to comfort other widows with the Lord's comfort that I have received for myself. I know for a fact that the Lord is using my testimony to speak to other women who have suffered this loss so that they can see that it is possible to survive, and thrive, after such a deep wound has been opened in their hearts. God is faithful to bind those wounds!

Another stirring I am experiencing is to visit cancer wards at hospitals to minister to patients and their families. I have witnessed for myself that there are many people who endure these things completely alone, with no loved ones by their side. And then you have those patients who have entire families there by their side. My heart goes out to both! I have been the caregiver, but not the patient...but I do have an understanding of what the patient goes through. I am seeking the Lord so that I know how HE wants Me to serve these people. All in His time.

No matter the circumstance, there comes a season in which we have to BE STILL so that we can hear the voice of the Lord speak and know how to move forward...and also so we don't get ahead of Him and HIS work! And in every bit of circumstances that we are to go through, we are to recognize that HE IS GOD and act accordingly. Yield to Him for the circumstances that have been allowed to come to us. He is faithful to lead us through them as we trust Him to guide our steps.

Lord, my life is Yours! I wait on You. Amen.

Taking A Load Off...

"Praise the Lord; praise God our Savior! For each day he carries us in his arms." Psalm 68:19

Continuing my journey in the Lord...I have just been taking one step at a time. I've been trying to allow the Lord to lead the way. While I believe I am navigating well through my life these days, there are times that I make the Lord's job harder than it needs to be by trying to take the control away from Him. Sometimes I just think I know better than He does what is good for me.  Well...I'm WRONG about that! LOL

I read the scripture above the other day...and there were two visions that came to me. One vision was of my loving God, carrying me through the difficulties of life; through the decision-making process; through the teenage-rearing seasons (ugh!).  And then...the second vision...of a loving Father who is carrying away His child who is throwing a temper trantrum because she is not getting her way.  Yep! That's ME! Haha!

But seriously, the many ups and downs of my life have warranted my heavenly Father to carry Me. I can do nothing in my own strength and through my own efforts. God is the LORD of my everything and I am doing my best to yield to His will and His calling on my life. I am so grateful for the fact that He is more than willing to carry me so I can take a load off!

An update, since it has been forever since I have written...

I am still single...yep...there you have it. LOL!  That's all...nothing really interesting to report. Life has just carried on. Praise JESUS!

My niece, Aly, is almost 15 years old now and is in high school. Yikes! When you have never birthed a child, and then you suddenly find yourself helping to raise a teenager...well...it's certainly a different world.  Somewhere in this process of helping my Mom to raise this child, I became a "parent". Life is not the same as before. Suddenly I have to keep track of someone. I have to nag and bug and discipline. I even have been initiated into the "you're an idiot adult" and "what do you know?" clubs! Haha! That's hilarious! I remember when I thought the same of my parents. I remember rolling my eyes, just as my niece does to me. I remember being disrespectful to adults. And now it's all happening to ME! The only question I have for other parents is, HOW DO YOU NOT KILL A TEENAGER?? Hahaha!!

Honestly, it is the most difficult thing I've had to do...but I wouldn't trade it. I am accountable to my actions. I am accountable to my word. I am accountable to my LIFE! I don't even speed on the freeways because I'm afraid of getting killed and then where would that leave my niece?? I have to be around for her. This girl doesn't have the luxury of having her biological parents around, so me and my Mom are it! It is ever-present in my mind now. I even have a life insurance policy with her name as a beneficiary! She is my child.

I.AM.A.PARENT. I love my girl with all of my heart. Life is not easy for teenagers these days, so my heart is really invested in helping her to succeed and to know that she is loved and wanted. She has become my life. She can't stand me right now...and that's okay...because I know what comes later. She is most certainly worth the investment. Just as my Lord loves me unconditionally, and will never leave me nor forsake me...that is my devotion to my Aly. And someday she will look back on everything and I KNOW she will be blessed to know the depth of my love.

So, life has changed once again for me.  IT'S A GIRL!

And, God is good.

Just Life...

Wow...I'm just realizing how long it has been since I have written anything at all. A few people have asked about my writing and why I stopped, and the only answer I could come up with is that I have writer's block. I have had the desire to write but really nothing to write about. I've thought many times that I should write something just because...but in all reality, every time I have thought about writing "just anything"...I immediately follow it up with "who wants to read about my boring life?" Even I find my life boring at this moment! LOL

But, I guess the better perspective would be this...God has blessed me with a quiet lull in my life after the major storm that Jay and I endured for such a long time...and then I went through even more after that...so this is my "lull" season. I rejoice in that.

So what is happening in my life right now?

I still love my job at my church! New opportunities are beginning to open up to me and growth is happening in my position. I love it when I am able to do new things, in addition to the old things all while serving the Lord at the same time!

My roomie and I are getting ready to move to a new apartment next weekend. We are excited for this change. We will be closer to the church, and I will be closer to my mom and niece so I can help them with all of their daily happenings. Kristin (my roomie) and I have been praying for a while about being better stewards with the money the Lord has given to us, and this apartment is the solution to that. It happens to be the same apartment complex that Jay and I lived in many MANY years ago. When Kristin and I walked around the complex, it looked different but had the same feel. I felt such a peace and that gave me the ability to exhale with delightful nostalgic memories running through my mind and heart. So next week, another new chapter can be added to my life story.

I am currently looking forward to helping my 14 year old niece adjust to being a freshman in high school. (Yikes! How did THAT happen?!) Being closer allows me to spend more time helping her with homework or just being a mentor. I love Aly so much and would absolutely DIE for her. She is an amazing girl; very smart and has a heart of gold. She dreams of being a K-9 cop...so I will do all I can to help her to attain that goal. Lots of hard work ahead of us, but we will do it. There will be extra work on my part as I try to keep her focused on her dream and not on BOYS! This girl is gorgeous and has started gaining the attraction of boys...I feel as though the sharks are circling BUT I have my bat in hand, ready to strike any one of them that tries any funny business with my girl! LOL I realize the whole "boyfriend thing" is inevitable...EVENTUALLY...but not now. She is too young! But she has a good head on her shoulders and is making very wise choices at this point regarding boys...I'm just praying it continues.

And as for me...well...life has carried on, I am feeling more like myself...not exactly the old me...but more like an "I've-been-through-a lot-and-I-have-learned-and-taken-notes-and-actually-applied-them" wiser version of the old me. I am a little more serious about things. I think more critically about things. I reason more and act a little less out of my emotions. (still a work in progress but improvement is improvement and I'll take it!) I am less attached to "things" and see the bigger picture MUCH more clearly. Having someone you love in heaven will do that to ya! The greatest realization has been...nothing is more important than God...ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! So HE will continue to be my greater focus in my life. I will serve Him as I have been, and prayerfully a little more in the coming days/months/years as He sees fit.

I care a little bit more about myself these days too...started taking vitamins, eating a little better (a little), have lost 10 lbs and have a desire to start exercising. WHAT?! LOL! I just want to be healthier and help myself to generally feel good. I am beginning to desire to experience my life again instead of just existing in it and moving around like a robot. I actually SMILE more! That's nice. I was beginning to think that I was not going to feel joy in my heart again. God is amazing in His restorative efforts!

And along with all of this...brace yourselves...I have started feeling the desire to have someone special in my life again. And NO! There is no one currently even in my thought process!! So there better not be any rumors of me having a boyfriend or anything of the sort! LOL! But, in embracing my singleness, I read the book, Choosing God's Best and there is a sentence in there that I have tucked in my heart..."Don't worry about finding the right person; concentrate on being the right person for someone and let the Lord do the rest." Wow! Can you say, "Game-changer"??! I miss the companionship of a special someone, but I want my focus to be on who the Lord has for me, and how I may add to that person's life and NOT on setting out to find that person myself. My concentration is going to be on making the changes the Lord points out that need to be made in me, and maintaining the attributes the Lord identifies as being "attractive" to Him.

Jeremiah 29:11 tells me that the Lord has a plan for me...let's see what He has in store! I'm listening, Lord...

I Am the Clay...

A potter who throws clay on a pottery wheel sometimes has no idea what he is about to build, but he takes a big, shapeless glob of clay and throws it onto the center of the wheel knowing that with the work of his hands and some manipulation he will eventually come out with something...a vase, a bowl, a cup...many possibilities. It is all about the skill of the potter and the temperament of the clay.

The Word tells us in Isaiah 64:8, "Yet O Lord, You are our Father. We are the clay; You are the potter; we are all the work of Your hand." I have never identified more with clay in my entire life than I do right this minute! I envision God, the Potter, sitting at the wheel, with me as the shapeless glob of clay spinning out of control with no structure...spinning, spinning, spinning - no real direction or purpose. Then the Lord sets His loving hands upon me, firm but gentle. No longer spinning aimlessly and out of control, the rough edges begin to smooth out. As I begin to take shape with a solid foundation and a bit of structure, He releases the firm grip and exchanges it with the loving touch of His finger in the center as if pointing to the core of me to say, "You are mine and you will be formed to serve my purposes." With His finger touching on the center and the core being exposed, the junk that is inside has no place else to go but to be purged out.

Until very recently, I lost my direction. I lost my drive. I lost my purpose. Well...I guess I didn't lose them...I just kind of set them aside in my exhaustion from fighting against my new life. The first year after Jay died was a breeze compared to this second year. Last Summer, in the beginning of the second year, my grief seemed to really take hold of me and I was filled with feelings of being lost, not belonging anywhere, going through the motions of my new life but not really living my life. I was trying to give glory to the Lord, but I don't know that it was all truly felt in my heart.

I basically was angry with God that I had to start my life all over again and try to figure out who I am if I'm not "Jay's wife." I spent literally half of my life with this man and now I have to try and figure out what to do in this life on my own. Who the heck am I? Yes, I am a child of God...but if you feel lost and without a sense of purpose, what do you do with that? Well, the Lord has been busy showing me what being a child of God really means.

It means that when I fall apart, walk away, and give up on myself - He is there with endless love and compassion just waiting for me to make the decision to return to Him for my comfort and rebuilding.

Jeremiah 18:4 says, "The pot he [the potter] was shaping from the clay was marred in his hands; so the potter formed it into another pot, shaping it as seemed best to him. Then the word of the Lord came to me: "O house of Israel, can I not do with you as this potter does?" declares the Lord. Like clay in the hand of the potter, so are you in my hand, O house of Israel."

Every time I do something to change the depth, the shape, the structure of our relationship - He is faithful to take me down to the foundation of my being, Jesus Christ - who saved me from my sins, and remind me that I am loved no matter what I do and once I take hold of His promises again, He begins to rebuild on that foundation.

I am in the rebuilding stage now. I have returned to Him for my comfort; and I am realizing...again...that He truly does love me and just because I was angry with Him doesn't mean that He is looking at me with condemnation (that's from the enemy), but rather, He is looking at me with loving eyes saying, "I will rebuild you from scratch with My own hands."And maybe who I will be is somebody different from who I was before, but if God can restore Job after all that he went through and not only restore him but create a better life for him than he had before - I'm totally on board with that and trusting Him to do just that for me!

So while an earthly potter looks at the clay and doesn't know exactly what he will come out with in the end; our heavenly Potter knows, even before He begins, what masterpiece will stand before Him when His work is done.

His work in me is far from being done, but I am beginning to see some changes. The spark has been ignited and He is fanning the flame. I long to spend time with the Lord, learning about Him, and I am seeking to be about His business again. He has given me the desire to serve Him with the gifts I have been blessed with. My heart is beginning to actually feel again and open up. He is using me to encourage people through their trials, which is what I have always loved to do!

And He has given me something to write about again. It's difficult to write about these things that don't necessarily shed a great light on me or my selfish behavior, but the glory belongs to the Lord for what He will accomplish through this.

The rebuilding and restoration has begun. This is just the first phase...stay tuned...

Blocked...

I am presently experiencing writer's block. Please keep checking back as I am praying and asking the Lord to restore my ability to write again.

As for now...

I...got...nothin'!

Love to all.

Jamie

Helpful Hints for Those Ministering to Grieving Hearts...

While I am not an expert on anything...one thing I have had plenty of experience in these past 17+ months is the grieving process. Everyone grieves differently; some openly, some in private, and some...well...not at all. (I'll talk about that last one a little later.)

I haven't written in my blog for a while because I have felt the need to draw near to the Lord even more so now than ever. It seems that the second year for me has been more difficult than the first. For a time, I lost my desire to write...and I still don't feel as though I will continue on a consistent basis, but I felt the Lord prompting me to write about how someone might be able to reach out to a friend or loved one who is hurting due to the loss of their spouse.

Since becoming a widow, I have taken the journey and become friends with a few ladies who, sadly, have joined this elite club. I am no expert, as I said previously, but I have walked the road for a time now and am familiar with it's inevitable twists and turns so I have some insight into "the process". I have had people contact me as a result of this and ask me if I can offer some advice on how a person may help someone who is hurting due to the loss of a spouse.

Here is what I always start with:

#1 - BE IN PRAYER for them, and also ask the Lord to show you how you may be of comfort to them.

#2 - BE SILENT. Words mean NOTHING to someone who has just lost a spouse. You can have the best of intentions in trying to relate to their level of loss, but your words will only reach the exterior of a person's brain at this point. Even if you have lost a spouse yourself, your experience of loss is still very different than someone else's experience so you can't assume you know exactly what they are going through. If the deceased was a believer, it is appropriate to rejoice to some degree that they are in the presence of the Lord. If the person who is the widow/widower is rejoicing and feeling a sense of relief, take your queue from them and rejoice with them. If the rejoicing is not being expressed outwardly by them, my advice is to be cautious when offering your comfort in the form of words.

#3 - BE PRESENT. Observe how the person is grieving and act accordingly. Maybe they just need you to be in the room, or cook for them (this could be especially wonderful if they have small children that need to be cared for), or clean the house, or grocery shop...the Lord will give you discernment on how best to make yourself available to a grieving widow/widower. (NOTE: Grocery shopping was a big one for me. I couldn't make it down one aisle of the grocery store without losing it and having to walk out because that is where I shopped for anything my husband wanted to or could eat in those last months. If the person you are concerned about was a caregiver for someone with a long-term illness, this may be an area that you can be of greater use because the grocery store can be a HUGE trigger.)

#4 - BE AVAILABLE. At the time of loss everyone, friends and family alike, make themselves available for service or to be of help and comfort in some capacity but after the funeral is over, as would be expected, people get back into their own daily routines, work, ministry, etc. and life carries on and they are not as available as they were originally. These are the times when the loneliness sets in because the grieving person is still feeling as though time has stopped for them. The person grieving is the one who is watching on the sidelines while everyone else is living. Be mindful to possibly include the person at your dinner table, or ask them if they want to take a walk around the block, but if the person is reluctant to go anywhere or do anything, make yourself available to just sit with them and see where time, prayer and conversation take you. The Lord is faithful to bring comfort to grieving people through His people. Be the extension of Him and you will see first hand that the blessing does not just come to the person who is heartbroken.

There are many stages to grief...you can google it and you will see that most websites say that there are five stages, but others say seven...but honestly, the person that is grieving feels like there are a million stages because they all happen ALL the time, and the order is not the same for each person, and most of the time each stage has a little bit of ALL the stages mixed in. This is when the person that is grieving feels most like a schizophrenic. Grief is not orderly, polite or conscious of time. It is most often messy, forceful, and demanding of time and energy. It will not be ignored.

I said at the beginning of this entry that I would address the issue of the people who do not grieve. It isn't that they are not grieving...oh, but they are! But they are choosing not to grieve by avoiding the situation and the feelings that come with it. They are the hurting people that will just about do anything not to allow themselves the full experience of grieving because it is far too painful.

They often try to replace the emptiness with something else like shopping, traveling, sex, sometimes using drugs (legal or otherwise) and alcohol in order to escape their pain. BUT, these are the people that you need to be aware of and really be prayerful as to how the Lord can use you to encourage them to allow themselves to go through the process; and then assure them that they will not be alone. It's the "being alone" part that usually has them running scared. So, try to be that source of encouragement and stability that they need in order to feel like it's okay to grieve.

Lastly, there are many people who are grieving that just "ride the waves", trusting the Lord to uphold them and help them to keep moving forward...BUT it is still an extremely difficult process even though the person is a believer and is trusting the Lord, walking closely with the Lord, and allowing the Lord to lead the way. The Lord doesn't remove the agony of grief just because we know Him well. The process is still the process as designed by Him. Painful, messy, lonely, dark, heavy...those are some of the words I have used to describe the beast that is grief. But, the Lord IS ABLE...

This process was designed by the Lord to allow those that grieve to draw near to Him and allow HIM to heal our hearts and fill that void in our lives. His people acting as the extension of Him is how He accomplishes that healing.

Please ask the Lord how you may be of use to someone grieving today.

God's Plan...My Future...

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back from captivity." Jeremiah 29:11-14a

This scripture has spoken to me for many years, but has never been more appropriate than right now...this season in my life. I've been seeking the Lord for comfort, rest and restoration since Jay passed away in July 2009; and He has been faithful to meet me, to comfort me and give me rest; but I am only just now beginning to feel His restoration of my life. While I am still uncertain of things to come, my God gives me the ability to look towards my future with much anticipation, and dare I say, excitement, for what He has for me.

It hasn't been an easy transition into the new life He has given me; it definitely took me a while to embrace what He gifted me with, but I can finally say that I am comfortable with where He has me. I am blessed by my room mate and how the Lord orchestrated us living together for this season in our lives. And now that I have been in the new place for four months, and have developed a pattern in my day, and am enjoying extended fellowship in the way of friends, work, choir rehearsals and bible studies - I am feeling like I am starting to live again. There is much more to be experienced in the way of ministries at church and missions trips, but that will all come according to the Lord's timing. He knows my desire; I will wait on Him.

While I still have many days where I stop and think of Jay (at times it's still very painful) I can feel the healing taking place in my heart. The God that works "all things out for the good to those who love Him and are called according to His purpose" is doing just that for me...working out the good for me. Many of the valleys of my life that can be perceived as bad to anyone on the outside, I am lifting them up to the Lord saying, "Thank You." He is showing me that what I have been through was extremely difficult, but I have never been alone, and I have learned so much about who He is and even who I am, and now I continue the journey on this path of discovering what I am to do to serve Him in this part of my life.

The questions I ask now are, "What do you have for me, Lord? Where can I serve You? Will I ever have love again? Will I ever become the person YOU have in mind?"

Knowing that the Lord only has my best interests at heart, it feels good to be able to trust that my Father will always take good care of me. More valleys will come, this I am certain of. But having been through one of the deepest, darkest valleys I can experience, and not only surviving it, but I have come through it praising His Holy Name; I think I will be okay. My hope and future are His.

By faith...

Heavenly Father, thank You for the healing and growth I have experienced lately. I have learned that I can trust You to lead the way; even when I don't like what You are leading me to and through, You are faithful to walk with me, guide me, hold me, strengthen me, and fill me with the bravery needed to persevere. Fill me afresh with Your Holy Spirit that I may continue to take steps in the direction in which You are guiding me. Use me, Lord. Use my circumstances to glorify You. I want none of it. Anything that is good in me is because of YOU. Show me how to be more like You. Transform me. It is Your image I want to reflect. Help me to know Your will for my life. Search me, God. I want a fresh start this day. I love You. I live for You. In Jesus name. Amen.

Persevere for Jesus' Sake...

Trials.

You just have to say the word; every Christian knows the job they have to do...persevere through them. The Lord sifts them through His loving hands. They are meant to stretch us...grow us up...and prove to ourselves and everyone else that our FAITH is real. Do we ask for them? NO WAY! Nobody in their right mind would ever ask for trials to be handed to them! LOL But, when given something seemingly bad, it's an opportunity to draw closer to the Lord than you have ever been. Who can argue with that? I know when I am going through something pretty trying; I want to be as close to the Lord as possible.

I remember when Jay was sick and things would get really rough from his treatments. He would be in pain, so sick, running a fever, chills; you name it - he had it. I would be awake all hours of the day and night trying to get everything under control for him; get him the least bit comfortable. There were times that I just cried out to the Lord, sometimes in private and sometimes right where I was at...bedside with Jay, in the bathroom, in the kitchen...wherever I was - cry out to Him. It was hard. I didn't want to do it anymore! I didn't have the energy or the willpower to get through. It seemed as though we'd been through the cancer trial for an eternity, and the Lord was still expecting us to endure it for an additional eternity. Impossible!!

But then Jesus came...

And now, I am a widow and I have experienced every emotion you could think of. The life I thought I would have with my husband was no longer an option. Everything I knew was taken away when Jay passed away. The loneliness alone is enough to severely mar and disfigure a person's existence. There were times that I just didn't want to live anymore. I told the Lord that I just couldn't do it. I couldn't handle what He was calling me to endure.

But then Jesus came...

Have you ever felt Him standing before you? Maybe you couldn't see Him with your human eyes, but your heart felt that He was before you, calling you to action? Our own expectations of Him sometimes get in the way and we don't see things as the Lord intended. We think we can't do what He has called us to do; what He has called us to persevere through.

But then Jesus comes...

Jesus endured much suffering as He walked the earth in human form. He was God in flesh. He had feelings, emotions, physical fatigue; He was ridiculed, beaten beyond recognition, and then impaled with large spikes and hung on a cross. For...ME?? Yes, He persevered for my sake. Jesus endured everything so that I could have eternal salvation and permission to come to my Father with my petitions.

The Lord has given me the strength to go on; to take steps in this new life of unknown possibilities, good or bad, and He has blessed me with every step that I take on this path; trusting that He has a firm grip on me. When I feel like I will fall; He sends Jesus to ask, "Will you do this for Me?" When I can't move, I'm too tired, I'm being disobedient to the calling on my life, Jesus stands before me and asks, "Will you do this for Me? Will you hold on a little longer? Will you endure a little more pain, anguish, fear, devastation, ridicule...for My sake, knowing that OUR Father is in control and trusting that this trial will not last forever...will you hold onto Me? Our Father will deliver you in time, but you have to persevere...will you do that - for ME?"

How can I say 'No'?

If you are hurting, angry, anguished, devastated...you name it...Jesus is in your face right now asking you to hold on. Will you do it...for Him?

Seasons Change...

Well something must be happening within me...

I've stopped counting the number of days you've been gone.
I've stopped daydreaming about what I could have done differently to keep you here longer.
I've stopped beating myself up for all the things I fell short on in our life together.
I've stopped wondering if you're okay.

I've started counting on the fact that I KNOW I will see you again someday.
I've started daydreaming about what heaven really looks like.
I've started loving myself for the person I became by the time you said "goodbye".
I've started believing that you are well.

I know that God holds you tightly every single day.
I know that you are proud of me for who I have become.
I know that you still love me even though we are not here together.
I know that you are living in God's glory.
I know that you will be waiting for me when it is my time.

I TRUST the Lord to bless your soul because you asked Him into your heart.
I TRUST the Lord to show you all the things He wanted you to know.
I TRUST the Lord to keep you safe.
I TRUST the Lord...period.

Missing you, my Love. I still think of you often...even though I may not be counting the number of days since you went to heaven. Now is my time to live a new life...for the Lord. I trust what He has for me and even though it is a very foreign place to live right now, I will persevere and finish well. I will carry you in my heart forever, Baby.

Heavenly Father, thank You for Your strength in this moment...and every other. YOU are the reason I live. Help me to seek Your plan for me. Help me to understand my calling. I pray that you will help me to open my heart to all things new. Thank You for loving me. Thank You for Your grace and Your mercy that are new each and every day that I surrender my life to You. Give me Your wisdom; Your discernment. What do You have for my life, Lord? Who will You surround me with? What things may I accomplish for YOUR glory? How may I serve You? Pour Your spirit out afresh on me, Lord. Help me to walk in Your way. Show me Your path. I praise Your Holy Name! Amen.

Life Keeps Movin'...

Wow...blink and two months goes by without a blog entry!

Okay, so here is an update on ME...

The Lord is growing me in my faith as I walk this road of grief. Honestly, I thought I had it pretty much "handled"...and then my whole life changed. I didn't realize that making so many changes in a short period of time would cause me to react in such a way as to open up old wounds. And from what I hear, this is all very normal. The sniper known as "grief" has reared his ugly head these past couple of months. I was not prepared in the slightest for all of the range of emotions to come flooding back again.

I moved to my new apartment in July, and I love my new apartment, but when I moved in, there was nothing in it that said "Jay lives here." And I absolutely love my roomie, Kristin! She is a doll! But, I struggled for a brief time with living with someone that wasn't my husband. I had to form new routines in a new place with my new roomie...and I just wasn't really prepared for how I would feel about that. Thankfully, enough time has gone by and now I have accepted my new home and new roomie as my gift from the Lord and I have allowed the Lord to minister to me through this time. As I have released my vise grip on my past life and given it all to Him; He is slowly revealing to me what my new life holds.

I live with a great girl! She is an amazing and wonderful godly woman. She inspires me to take my vise grip and apply to the Lord's promises. Kristin is 10 years younger than I am, but is a wise-beyond-her-years kind of girl. As I am navigating this world now as a single woman, Kristin is my tangible example from the Lord of how to wait for the Lord's plan to unfold. Don't just live life looking for a spouse, but live life for the Lord and HIS selection for a spouse will come in HIS time.

A lot of people don't know the story of how Kristin and I came to be roommates. This story will show you just how the Lord orchestrates His perfect plans. After Jay had passed away in July last year, I had begun praying to the Lord for His direction on where I would be living. I couldn't really afford to stay in that house and maintain it for very long on one income so I began to pray for the Lord to show me if I should stick it out in the house or begin looking for an apartment somewhere. It took a couple of months with no answers from the Lord, so I decided to go and look at apartments myself so I could see what was out there. Well, what I saw was that I can't afford an apartment either!! Apartments are ridiculously expensive! But every time I began looking at apartments, I felt in my heart, the Lord telling me NO. He kept putting the scripture Psalm 46:10 "Be still and know that I AM God" in front of me...on cards, in books, in my journals, etc. So, I just kept praying and seeking His plan.

One day, I had just had enough of the waiting and I poured my heart out to the Lord and said, "Lord, where am I supposed to live? What should I do? Am I supposed to stay in this house that I can't take care of? I can't afford anything out there! What should I do?" And right as I was crying out to Him; He flashed a picture of Kristin's face inside my heart. And I thought, "Lord, what does that mean?" He just kept showing me Kristin! Now, at this time, Kristin and I were co-workers, working on becoming good friends...going to lunch from time to time...but I wouldn't say that we were "besties' or anything...I don't think she would either. LOL But, I just kept placing it before the Lord asking Him to tell me what He had planned and He just continued to place Kristin on my heart. So, I finally said, "Okay, Lord, if you are saying that Kristin and I should discuss moving in together, have her come to me! She is so much younger than me! Why would she want to live with me? Lord, are you sure?"

So, I continued to pray about it for some time...I didn't even tell my best friend Karen about what the Lord had shown me! THAT is a miracle! But I wanted to see how the Lord worked this one out and thought it would be best to leave it between Him and me...and Kristin.

A number of weeks later, I get an email from Kristin saying, "Hey, let's meet for lunch sometime. I want to talk to you about something." Well...right then and there, I KNEW! So, I went over and told Karen all that had happened...I think she thought I was a little nutso, but I told her that I thought Kristin was going to talk to me about this and I would let her know when I got back from having lunch with her.

Kristin and I met that afternoon for lunch. And she started the conversation with something like this, "Well, I wanted to talk to you about something...I don't know where you are at with the whole living situation but I was wondering if you might be interested in getting a place together?" And I just looked at Kristin with this KNOWING look and smile on my face. I told her everything that the Lord had shown me and that I KNEW she was going to talk to me about this! She got glory bumps!! We both did!! But then she had a little twist on the story herself. She told me that the Lord had shown her my face and given her my name even before Jay had passed away. She continued to pray for me and my situation and our possible future living arrangement for months before even deciding to approach me about living together!

GOD IS AN AMAZING GOD!! Seriously, when He says He has a plan...and He has it all under control...HE AIN'T JUST WHISTLING DIXIE!! He truly has every tiny little detail in order and He works all things out for the good to those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.

So, here we are! Kristin and I are now living together and she has been so patient to deal with my ups and downs and transitions. The Lord has blessed me with a great friend.

In addition to transitioning into a new life, last month I had to have knee surgery to repair two tears in my right meniscus. Outpatient surgery was set for 8/26, and the days leading up to the surgery were a struggle because it was my first major "thing" to happen without Jay. I couldn't figure out why I was so down about the whole thing, and then the night before the surgery while driving in my car to Karen's house where I would be recovering after surgery, I muttered, "Lord, I wish Jay could be here with me for this." And just like that - I understood why I was feeling so poorly. I was really missing my honey. I can't believe more than a year later and I still get the wind knocked out of me when I realize that he is not here anymore. Weird how the roller coaster of emotions can get triggered by the smallest of things.

So, here I am - I went through surgery and have recovered now. I'm still missing my honey, but the heart pain has subsided for now.

For now.

TODAY, I am well...I am living...and I am learning to love my life again. God is faithful. I am blessed. (Note to self: Let's try to stay focused on that, Jamie.)

Life keeps movin'...I think I'll put my tennis shoes on and start movin' along with it.

God in the Clouds...

Too many changes at once bring about too many emotions! I wrote a couple of weeks ago about moving to my new apartment and being excited to start my new life. Well, in addition to that excitement these changes have brought about fear and sadness; and these feelings have sparked a whole new level of my grief. Oy!...

Once I got everything into the apartment...20+ years worth of my life!...from a house into an apartment, I quickly realized...more like got slapped upside the head...that EVERYTHING is now completely different. It was my life; only turned inside out now. Nothing was familiar any longer. And since that realization, I have struggled with closing the door on my old life that included Jay to opening the door to a new life that doesn't include anything about him. A HUGE dose of reality has come over me and it feels like that dark cloud has returned...or maybe it never really went away but has grown bigger.

As I have given these heavy-hearted feelings over to the Lord, and many tears, He has been ministering to me about dark clouds and how He is using them to remind me that He is still with me. And not only that; He promises to bring me a rainbow to shine His light on my heart.

"And God said, 'This is the sign of the covenant which I make between Me and you, and every living creature that is with you, for perpetual generations: I set My rainbow in the cloud, and it shall be for the sign of the covenant between Me and the earth. It shall be, when I bring a cloud over the earth, that the rainbow shall be seen in the cloud; and I will remember My covenant which is between Me and you and every living creature of all flesh; the waters shall never again become a flood to destroy all flesh. The rainbow shall be in the cloud, and I will look on it to remember the everlasting covenant between God and every living creature of all flesh that is on the earth." Genesis 9:12-16

I remember studying rainbows in science class in high school. I remember that the teacher told us that rainbows are refracted light that breaks into several particles which cause the different beautiful colors. As the Lord has ministered to me over and over these past few weeks specifically...He reminds me that there is only One source of Light. GOD is the Creator of Light. And He created these rainbows that come with dark clouds as a reminder that HE can be found in those clouds that darken my days and weigh heavy on my heart. I need only seek Him and strengthen my relationship with Him as I go through this season.

During the past few weeks I have missed my Jay more than ever before. The pain is unbearable sometimes, but I have snapshots in my heart of him and the memories that we made together, good and bad, and I replay those quite often so he is still a part of my present life. I will see him again one day...this, I know. And we will continue on with our journey.

The Lord's promise to me is that I will find Him in the clouds. Dark clouds are necessary in order to have a clear view of His rainbows.

I'm looking, Lord...

One Year...

"Afoot and lighthearted I take to the open road, healthy, free, the world before me, the long brown path before me leading wherever I choose." - Walt Whitman

Today...a milestone has been reached. One year ago today, my husband went to heaven. I can honestly say that in the 12 months that have gone by; my heart has received healing. Not complete healing yet, but the Lord has been faithful to fill my empty heart with His promises of comfort in times of pain; His companionship in times of loneliness; and His love in times of heart famine. Major healing has been received from the Lord's demonstration of His unfailing love for me.

His provision has never been more visible and tangible. I haven't written for a long time because of the overwhelming feeling of AWE and WONDER at His special provision for widows. Yes, I have felt lonely; but He has held me. I have felt ruined; but He is restoring me. I have felt like an alien; but He loves me.

The Lord has shown me that if I place my complete trust in Him that He will always prove to be enough for me. And He is most certainly enough.

I quoted Walt Whitman earlier because I love what the quote has to say about having the freedom to take the path of my choosing, but I want to add a scriptural reference to it because any path that we choose still needs to involve the Lord. When we are faithful to lay it all out before the Lord, He is faithful to show us which way to go on the path of life.

"You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand." Psalm 16:11

Any path worth choosing is a path that has been paved by the Lord. It's never a mystery to the Lord which way to go; we just have to allow Him to show us and then be obedient to His direction. There is always a blessing to our obedience.

"I run in the path of Your commands, for You have set my heart free." Psalm 119:32

"Direct me in the path of Your commands, for there I find delight." Psalm 119:35

The Lord's hand has been upon my life since Jay went to heaven. He has placed me in His loving and gentle care. He has seen fit to move me to a new apartment. (There is a story there, and I will share another time.) This past weekend, I moved from the home that Jay and I lived in together to a new apartment and a new life. While I loved that home for a time, it was no longer a home to me when Jay left. But the Lord is the One who makes my home now and I believe that there is much in store for me in this new life. The Lord didn't bring me this far to drop me on my head. I look forward with much anticipation to what the Lord has in store for me in this new life.

I find myself daydreaming about the new adventures that I will experience. I can't help but think of Job and the loss that he experienced and how the Lord was faithful to restore his life completely and even beyond what he had previously. I have suffered a big loss, yes. But I have also experienced a big gain and that is that my faith in my God has grown exponentially. I am truly blessed that I have a God that loves me this much.

Thank You, Father, for the gift of walking this path. Thank You for guiding the way when I have been completely lost. Nothing makes sense without You. Light the way, Father. I'm following. Amen.

When All Else Escapes You...Praise the Lord!

"PRAISE the Lord! Praise the Lord, O my soul! While I live I will praise the LORD; I will sing praises to my God while I have my being." Psalm 146:1-2

Here is what I know for sure...I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING! LOL The reason for everything happening in my life escapes me right now; but GOD knows! I will put my trust in the fact that the Lord knows why the events of my life are necessary. (Psalm 46:10 "Be still and know that I AM God.") I will trust that these trials will strengthen me and my new found strength will please and glorify the Lord.

Lately, I have been in this place of not knowing what will happen to me next, where I will live, what my new life will be like...with all of this uncertainty, you would think that I could ask the Lord a million questions or submit my petitions for the life I hope to have, but I just don't know what to pray for. I have been here before where I don't know what to ask for in my prayers...but in my experience, when I don't know what to say or to ask for; when all else escapes me, the best thing to do is to just PRAISE THE LORD.

I've been reading the Psalms for the past several days because I have found that when you need a time of refreshing or encouragement from the Lord, the Psalms are the place to go. David was attacked on all sides; some of it was self-inflicted and some just general persecution, but no matter where the attacks came from or how they were brought about; whether by the Lord or by his own choices, David was able to turn to the Lord for strength, encouragement, bravery, protection and provision.

THIS is where I am at in my life right now. I need the Lord's strength, encouragement, bravery, protection and provision. Is it scary to be a widow? Yes. In this economy, to go from two incomes to one, is not favorable. And to go from sharing a life with someone to not having that companionship is a lonely, scary feeling. And, when your hopes in this life and the plans you once had have fallen through, well, that can be pretty devastating. BUT, if I am faithful to give my loss, and the feelings that are generated by it all, back to Him and PRAISE Him for what HE is able to do in my life, these circumstances will most assuredly glorify Him! In faith, I will continue to surrender everything to Him and rely on His abilities, His strength, His courage, His provision, His companionship and HIS LOVE.

Ephesians 3:20 says, "Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever, Amen."

He is able to do exceedingly abundantly ABOVE all I ask or think! Wow, I don't have to ask for anything or even think about what I want! He is able to do so much more than anything I can imagine so all I have to do is be still and trust Him. He alone is praiseworthy!

So I will praise the Lord, O my soul!

Thank You, Father! Thank You, for all that I have and all that I don't have; for You are the One Who knows what is best for me. I trust You, Lord. I place my life, my heart and my soul into Your able hands. I love You. In Jesus Name. Amen.

Asking, Seeking, Knocking...

"So I say to you, ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened." Luke 11:9-10

Wow...I read this scripture recently and this is where I am at. Only the Lord can answer my many questions and help me to move forward in this process. I haven't written in a few weeks because I have been in a holding pattern with the Lord. (Psalm 46:10 "Be still and know that I AM God.") I have been praying and waiting for the Lord to guide me in the next steps of my new life.

It has been nine months since Jay passed away, and so far it has been the usual roller coaster of emotions that you read about in all of the grief books. But along with those emotions, God has given me plenty of opportunities to share my experience and minister to people as they grieve. I have received a lot of healing by being able to comfort those that are hurting just like me. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 says it perfectly, "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God." Simply put - if you receive comfort from the Lord; extend that comfort to someone who is hurting and in need of comfort. I pray that I can continue to be used to extend this comfort. My heart goes out to the broken-hearted.

Since last writing, the Lord has revealed much to me. I will be moving at some point in the near future. My house is officially on the market to be sold. Prayerfully, the house will sell and I will move out in the Lord's time. There aren't many houses selling in my neighborhood these days, but the Lord is ABLE. I believe that there is a perfect person meant to purchase my home. It will just take patience on my part. One thing that I was told about selling my house is that I have to disclose that my husband passed away in my home. Well, that really stinks in a big way! I asked my realtor if we can make sure everyone knows that Jay passed away peacefully of cancer and it wasn't some murder-suicide or homicide or anything like that. LOL You know, like all that stuff you see on the news! Oh my goodness! LOL

Along with selling my home, I am trying to shed some of my 20 years worth of stuff. I will most definitely be downsizing to an apartment or condo when it's time to move. I'm only one person...I don't need that much stuff. And along those lines...another thing that the Lord has been able to etch on my heart is that it really is "just stuff". There are a few things that hold sentimental value to me in my house, but the Lord has given me the ability to look at it from His point of view and see that it isn't important the amount of stuff I have, or how nice it is...material items really are just that...material. It is the memories that you hold onto, not the item that gave you the memory in the first place. It will be nice to shed myself of all of this and take the next step in my new life. In the Lord's time, of course.

The Lord is faithful to continue to teach me what is truly important. FAITH in HIM! As I seek Him in faith; the plan will be revealed. I have FAITH that He will see me through; HOPE in His promises; and LOVE...the LOVE of Jesus Christ. The greatest of these truly is....LOVE.

Father, thank You for Your faithfulness to guide my steps as I seek You. I am grateful for the chance to serve You and glorify Your Holy Name. I pray that You will continue to use me as your vessel and use my testimony to show others Your greatness. You are bigger than my circumstances. I trust You, Lord, in everything that happens. Help me to see Your plan for my life, and help me to take the necessary steps to fulfill that plan - even if I hesitate, move me. Thank You for loving me, my Abba Father. In Jesus precious name. Amen.