It has been a while since I have written anything about Jay...and there is good reason for that. I needed time to process all that is happening these days.
Jay went to a doctor appointment the day after we got back from our vacation in Kauai in early December, and I chose to go to work since I had already been gone for a week...a decision that I will have a twinge of regret for the rest of my life. Jay seemed distracted but otherwise fine after his appointment so I didn't think to ask him about or push the issue further.
So fast forward to New Year's Eve...Jay and I are sitting in a restaurant having a lovely time talking about the next vacation that we want to take in May and I made a comment about having to schedule the vacation around his chemotherapy. And then the bomb gets dropped here...Jay says, "Oh don't worry about that, I'll be done with chemo altogether in March." HUH???!! Just very matter-of-fact, oh let's just throw this out there to see how Jamie reacts kind of thing...
Well, it turns out that the day Jay went to the doctor, it was discussed that by March he will have met his tolerance level with the chemotherapy and his body will not tolerate any more, it will completely reject it by then and do more harm to Jay's body. Jay's body is already rejecting the therapy to a certain degree. He is suffering more and more side effects. Nothing severe, or so I thought anyway, but the doctor is still saying that he is going to release him from treatment in March.
So, in talking to Jay about what to do now, Jay has said that he is not done fighting this thing, but his body can't tolerate much more. I asked him if he would be willing to go to City of Hope or something if I can get an approval from our insurance and he said if I can find the doctor who can help him, he would go. So, now my mission...and I choose to accept it...is to find a doctor willing to give us a second opinion and then pray that our insurance will approve it.
Well, after much prayer for the past several days since finding out this information, the Lord has actually provided us with a wonderful doctor willing to give us the second opinion for free. This doctor is a wonderful Christian man and when he found out that we needed help, he was more than willing to help us out. He told me, "Jamie, you are my sister in the Lord andI am not in this for the money. Get me the information and I will review it and give you a second opinion for free." What an AMAZING God I serve!! To receive such a blessing is overwhelming.
Jay and I have both gone through our range of emotions about this decision of the doctor's to stop treatments. Jay has been making a list of all the things that he wants to do. Not necessarily a "bucket list" (all the things you want to do before you kick the bucket) but it is a list of things that he has always wanted to do and now that he is not working, he has more time to plan trips and do the things on his list. I accused him of making a bucket list, but he swears that it's not. Fair enough. It's not. But, I can't help but think about how long the Lord will keep him here..especially if there are no treatments that Jay's body will tolerate. How long can he survive with the cancer still in his body and no chemo to kill it? I try not to go there very often because I want to trust that the Lord has something truly wonderful and miraculous in store for my honey. He could be here for another 15-50 years for all I know. Only God knows the number of our days so I can't focus on that. I can focus, however, on spending all the time I can with Jay and making the most of that time together.
The Lord has given me so many scriptures to hold in my heart so as to not allow me to think about the "what ifs." Psalm 70 and 71 have been particularly helpful.
Psalms 70 Lord Do Not Delay
70:1 For the director of music. Of David. A petition.
Hasten, O God, to save me;O LORD, come quickly to help me. 2 May those who seek my life be put to shame and confusion;may all who desire my ruin be turned back in disgrace. 3 May those who say to me, "Aha! Aha!"turn back because of their shame. 4 But may all who seek you rejoice and be glad in you;may those who love your salvation always say,"Let God be exalted!"
5 Yet I am poor and needy;come quickly to me, O God.You are my help and my deliverer;O LORD, do not delay.
Psalms 71 Forsake Me Not When My Strength Is Spent
In you, O LORD, I have taken refuge;let me never be put to shame. 2 Rescue me and deliver me in your righteousness;turn your ear to me and save me. 3 Be my rock of refuge,to which I can always go;give the command to save me,for you are my rock and my fortress. 4 Deliver me,O my God, from the hand of the wicked,from the grasp of evil and cruel men.
5 For you have been my hope, O Sovereign LORD,my confidence since my youth. 6 From birth I have relied on you;you brought me forth from my mother's womb.I will ever praise you. 7 I have become like a portent to many,but you are my strong refuge. 8 My mouth is filled with your praise,declaring your splendor all day long.
9 Do not cast me away when I am old;do not forsake me when my strength is gone. 10 For my enemies speak against me;those who wait to kill me conspire together. 11 They say, "God has forsaken him;pursue him and seize him,for no one will rescue him." 12 Be not far from me, O God;come quickly, O my God, to help me. 13 May my accusers perish in shame;may those who want to harm me be covered with scorn and disgrace.
14 But as for me, I will always have hope;I will praise you more and more. 15 My mouth will tell of your righteousness,of your salvation all day long,though I know not its measure. 16 I will come and proclaim your mighty acts, O Sovereign LORD;I will proclaim your righteousness, yours alone. 17 Since my youth, O God, you have taught me,and to this day I declare your marvelous deeds. 18 Even when I am old and gray,do not forsake me, O God,till I declare your power to the next generation,your might to all who are to come.
19 Your righteousness reaches to the skies, O God,you who have done great things.Who, O God, is like you? 20 Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter,you will restore my life again;from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up. 21 You will increase my honor and comfort me once again.
22 I will praise you with the harp for your faithfulness, O my God;I will sing praise to you with the lyre,O Holy One of Israel. 23 My lips will shout for joy when I sing praise to you — I, whom you have redeemed. 24 My tongue will tell of your righteous acts all day long,for those who wanted to harm me have been put to shame and confusion.
I will carry on with the mission of finding the best care for Jay. He is the love of my life. It is the least I can do. And when I am weak the Lord makes me strong. I can do nothing without Him.