Friday, May 2, 2008

Survivor's Guilt?

A very unusual thing has been happening these past couple of days...I have been experiencing several different emotions after finding out that my husband is cancer free.  I've been thinking about those people in the hospital that weren't getting to go home just yet, or wouldn't ever go home...and the overwhelming feeling of sadness has been felt deep in my heart.  Could it be survivor's guilt???

And today, a co-worker of mine who has been facing the same struggles as me for quite some time because his wife has been battling cancer, has lost his beautiful wife to the disease.  And I feel that deep in my heart too...not because I knew his wife, but because I understood this man's trial and what he was going through... that is, until now.  

The Lord spared my husband and took his wife.  Please don't get me wrong...I totally understand that the Lord has a plan for each of us and I trust that when someone's time is up and the Lord calls them home, it fulfills the Lord's perfect plan.  The Lord holds the number of our days in His hands.  But, here is what I'm having a struggle on earth did I get so blessed?  Why would the Lord choose to spare me and my husband and not the next person?  I will never be able to figure it out, but I am overwhelmed at the fact that the Lord has given me such a gift...and shown me such mercy.  I am overjoyed to the point of being dumbfounded!  Truly GOBSMACKED!...or GODsmacked!

We are told in the bible not to lean on our own understanding, but in all our ways, acknowledge God and He will direct our paths. (Proverbs 3:5-6)  Well, I am acknowledging that I don't have a bit of understanding as to what the Lord's plan is for us...but I am so blessed that it involves spending more time with my Jay.

I'm not to try and figure out will never happen anyway...I am to simply live moment to moment and know in my heart that God is in control of everything...and He absolutely is!

Lord, a thank you will just never be enough...


fisherkristina said...

I really understand the dichotomy of it all.  Realizing that the Lord has a plan for each of the other's lives, even those who have passed, and being at peace with that - and yet just a few minutes later wondering why your husband is the one who is cancer-free.  Why aren't their's cancer-free also?  Why was yours the one to live?  Is this survivor's guilt?  Absolutely.  It is a big part of this process.  Even when we trust the Lord and believe He has a plan for each person's life, we still wonder what is going on sometimes.  Gee, I still lament over the deaths of so many I have seen since John got sick.  Okay, tears are falling now.  I know they are with the Lord, they were good Christians.  But still, some died so young.  I am thinking of one young man named, and yes I will name him, because he HAD a name, a young man named Frank.  The same age as my husband, the exact two cancers, same bone marrow transplant.  Going through the same complications.  Exact ones at the same time.  Next thing you know Frank goes and dies, and John is still standing.  Why?  Hmmmmm.  Yes, the Lord DOES have a reason.  We just don't know what it is.  And maybe for a long while we won't.  Maybe not until we get to Heaven.  But meanwhile, it is kind of hard to deal with.  Looking at all the illness and death is hard to deal with, debrief from.  Jamie, there is nothing strange about feeling Survivor's Guilt.  It doesn't mean you are not trusting God.  If you didn't feel survivor's guilt I would be worried about you.


lv2trnscrb said...

I'm with you; I'll never be able to understand the Lord this side of eternity, but why he chooses how he chooses is what makes him sovereign and in control and I'm so thankful for you and Jay that he chose to make Jay cancer free


ajquinn354 said...

Jamie th other 2 writers said everythig I would have said in words to you.  Just accept it was meant to be that your Jay was given a miracle that was meant to be.  We've all lost loved ones and dear friends to cancer, but knowing your Jay is cancer free helps us all just knowing that there is a chance and to never give up, miracles can happen and when they do, it touches all of our hearts. Arlene (AJ)