Friday, February 6, 2009

Looking Forward...

Hey All,

Here's a quick update on Jay...and then I'm going to talk about something completely different than CANCER.

Jay received his first round of the new chemo and did rather well. He had minimal nausea, but for some reason that day he had a ton of pain. I think we've gotten it under control for now. One minute, one pain pill at a time. Please keep praying for him.

I have decided to take a chance and begin to LOOK FORWARD instead of just living one moment to the next, as I have sort of gotten stuck in that mode while in the role of caretaker for the last 3 years...and not that I am leaving Jay behind and forgetting about what we are experiencing together...BUT...I do have something that I am so excited about and looking forward to and I really want to allow myself to experience the fun anticipation...

In 295 days from today, I will be turning 40!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am looking forward to the age that is a true 40, I am a real one can call me a "Kiddo" (unless they are twice my age)...I can express myself and what I want without the fear of what people may think of me...and I can actually go to my doctor and request a mammogram without someone telling me, "You're too young for that." Life changes at 40...yes, I understand that the physical stuff all changes...gravity takes hold, memory is lost, vision goes down the tubes...blah, blah, blah...I am just in a good place in my life and I am excited about the possibilities. Praise the Lord for possibilities!

I am already beginning to feel the shift in my attitude about myself and what my life means to me. My internal dialog is no longer shouting in my ear, "You're ugly, you're stupid, you're nothing, you have nothing to contribute to this world." Now my internal dialog tells me, "I love you, you're worth something, you make a difference, your heart is beautiful, your legacy is important." That Internal Voice is, of course, the Lord! I have finally grown enough in my faith to allow it to mature me and I have started allowing the Lord's voice to drown out the lies of the enemy. And spiritual maturity has nothing to do with an age group or anything, but I am encouraged by the changes the Lord has made in my heart and the amount of confidence He gives me that I can now look forward to turning 40 years old...because I desire to do it with grace...the Lord's grace.

I desire to make a difference, and I truly believe that the Lord is using me as a vessel to do just that. He is faithful to show me how it is that I am making a difference in people's lives. Please don't get me wrong...I am not boasting about myself...but I AM boasting about how the Lord has transformed my heart to share His love, to see more with His eyes, and to speak more with His words and not my own. He receives all of the glory for the person that I am and the person I will become.

So, MARK YOUR CALENDARS EVERYONE!!! November 28th...please pray that the Lord will show me how He wants me to celebrate my birth...and my rebirth.

Thank you, Father, for creating me and for continuing to love me no matter how much I falter. Shape me, mold me, and use me how you see fit. May you receive the glory! Amen


Trish said...

With age comes confidence. It's sad that we don't thing highly of ourselves when we are younger. Sometimes I want to shake my 19 year old daughter and tell her to stop pickiing out her "flaws". I know she will just have to live and learn.
I am so happy that you have found this place in your life. I know it is really hard to be a caregiver, but you really have to think about you sometimes. It sounds like you are ready to embrace 40!
Take care, Keeping you guys in my prayers.

a corgi said...

(((Jamie))) I think you are the first person I've known that is looking forward to being 40!! but I loved reading what you were saying and I truly understand; it is so neat to see the work of the Lord in your life!! it will be fun to watch this transformation of you over the next 295 days that will come amazingly fast!!

(I may be taking a break from journals but I'm still reading my favorites :)


Arlene (AJ) said...

Jamie, thanks for the update on Jay, he's always in my prayers. Good for you Jamie that you're allowing yourself to look forward. Know when my Sis and Nephew were killed by a drunk driving doctor that took a lot out of all of us, I was in charge of all the estate stuff, dealing with attorney's, the trial, closing up and selling our family home that they lived in, was such a stressful time in my life and after about 2 years of dealing with all this, I finally said, it's time for me to live again and go forward and from here on out "No One Or Nothing Would Get Me Down" and it's worked for me. Like everyone, still have many sad and trying moments but I've learned to deal with them without bringing myself down and know my personal motto plays a big part in it. Always believe and trust in the're get through anything dear.

Arlene (AJ) said...

Just a note to say I'm thinking of you and Jay and hope that you are both doing ok. Know I care. Bless you.

a corgi said...

Jamie; I sent you an email about puppies; I hope I sent it to the right email address; if you didn't get one from me ( email me with your screen name and I'll resend it