A True Friend

In this season of my life, I have found that it is imperative to take a look at who I surround myself with and determine who it is that I can rely on in my time of need. For anyone who has a loved one that is suffering from cancer...or any disease for that matter...and they are the caregiver for that loved one, a support system must be in place in order to maintain a sense of balance...or just a sense of sanity. LOL

Well, I have a wonderful support system in place and there are many people who have stepped up to the plate and offered their love and prayers and well wishes...but I have one friend in particular that has been with me every step of the way throughout Jay's illness. No matter how hard it is for Karen to sit and listen to me as I describe the effects of Jay's cancer and chemotherapy treatment and side effects, she still sits and listens with a sympathetic ear and even tears in her eyes on some occasions. It's not easy being the one who gets the weight shifted upon them as a friend leans heavily for that support. I've been the sympathetic ear many times over, but this is the first time in my life that I've ever truly needed the ear perked towards me.

Karen has been my "person"...you know, the one you go to for all of the events of your life, good or bad, and you share most, if not all, of the details with them because you know that you can trust them with everything...well, Karen has been there since the very beginning of Jay's illness in 2005 when Jay had a colonoscopy and I feared the worst..."cancer"...and then the test results came back as "pre" cancer...woohoo!...celebration time!....and then the day of his surgery to prevent the worst case scenario only to come to find out that it really was cancer after all...total bummer...and now what?...chemo, radiation, recurrence, more chemo, more chemo, less chemo, another surgery, supposed remission...and then a third recurrence and now chemotherapy...again.

A true friend is someone who sticks by you no matter the circumstances and not only listens to you, but honestly shares in your grieving and helps to shoulder the burden of your trial...and wants to take it all away and make everything better...and then when they figure out that they can't then they just try to figure out a way to make you smile. Karen is the epitome of a true friend...she takes it upon herself to bless me in whatever way she can...something as simple as making coffee and sharing it with me every morning or pack lunch for both of us so we can sit and chat and pray. She cries sometimes when we talk about Jay and how difficult this recurrence of cancer has been for both of us. She feels our pain deep in her heart. Do you even know what a tremendous blessing that is?

I am not worthy of such a wonderful friend, but the Lord has answered my prayers with the gift of Karen. I praise the Lord for loving me so much as to provide me with a sort of "God with skin." Karen knows exactly how to draw me back in when my emotions have gotten the best of me. She is quick to bring me back to the Lord when I have started to drift. If I forget about the grace of God and just how wonderful and faithful He is; Karen reminds me...this is the mark of a TRUE FRIEND.

My Karen, never forget just how special you are. God has created such a lovely and wonderful person in you. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for being such a loyal friend. Thank you for pouring God's love out upon me and Jay. You are a precious treasure. I honestly do not know where I would be today if the Lord hadn't blessed my life with your love and friendship. Praise God for His faithfulness...you are my friend...you are my Sister. I love you very much.

The Battle Rages On...

It has been a while since I have written...life has been...well...busy to say the least. Jay's cancer has returned in a big way. He has many tumors in the lymph system in his abdomen for which he is receiving chemotherapy. This time it's totally different. The chemo is harsh and Jay's body is less tolerant this go-round. But Jay, the uber-trooper, battles on and endures through the pain and nausea. I am so proud of him...but sometimes wonder how much more will he be able to take? I will battle along side him for as long as he wants to be a warrior.

Throughout our ups and downs, I have allowed the Lord to minister to me through the beautiful lives of my friends and family. My church family has gathered around us to stand in the gap and pray, pray, pray. I am grateful to God for all of them. It is only by faith that I am able to handle everything that I am seeing with Jay's recurrence of cancer.

Maybe I'm not right in how I look at this, but when he hurts; I hurt...when he is weak; I am weak...his cancer does not just happen to him. I may not have the actual disease in my body, but I certainly have experienced everything he has. The frustration of watching him be so sick from the chemo and him not being able to even get out of the house to do the things he loves to do. The things that take his mind off of the disease that seems hungry to take over his body. The disappointment of having to take so many medications just to sustain his comfort level...which is not always that comfortable. I live all of that with him. I wish I could just take it all away.

In those times when I feel discouraged, I know that I can turn to the Lord for my strength and courage. God gives me everything I have need of to wage this war against cancer. He gives me the smile on my face that I know will warm my husband's heart. He gives me the words of encouragement to give to Jay when he is down. He gives me the absolute love in my heart that I can pour out on my beloved so he will know that he is not alone in any of this and he can be assured that I will fight to the very ends of the earth for his well-being. It is by God alone that any of this happens. Every moment is precious, every memory is a treasure, his life is my life and mine his; that is a gift from God alone.

Thank you, Father, for your unconditional and unending love for us!

My Favorite Little Girl

In the midst of all of the trials that I am going through...I neglected to mention one of the positive things going on in my life.  Shame on me.

I have a beautiful 11 year old niece, Alyissa, and she is the light of my life.  I haven't gotten to see her very often in her 11 years, but she won me over the day she was born and has been my favorite ever since.  I absolutely adore this little girl...young lady...well, whatever, she has my heart. 

Alyissa is at the tender age where the world can influence her either negatively or positively...that's it...there are only two ways to go.  Well, I won't let the negative influences of this world get to my girl.  I want her to grow up knowing just how special she is and that nothing can stop her from accomplishing all that she dreams of. 

There have been people in her life that have given her the impression that she isn't good enough...that because she doesn't have the right clothes or the family isn't rich then she is less of a person because of it...thus shaking her confidence in herself.  That makes me so angry!  People are always so eager to put other people down so they can make themselves feel more superior...well I'm not going to allow that to happen to Alyissa...not on my watch!!  

I remember when I was her age...I know what all of the negative did to me.  I will do everything I can to help her realize that it isn't her fault that other people are judgmental.  She needs to know that she can be herself...and NO MATTER WHAT...she will be loved.

Okay, so here's the situation...my Mom...Alyissa's Grandma...takes care of her.  Almost since the time Aly was born.  And for a number of years now, my Mom has had custody of her 100% of the time.  Well, my Mom has made a huge sacrifice to do this.  She didn't have to, but she saw the need for it and set her life aside to take care of this little girl.  I am so proud of my Mom for that sacrifice she has made.  But Mom is getting to the point where she needs help with Aly.  Aly has her own opinions of how life should go...and we all know what happens as little girls turn into teenagers.  Yikes!  So Mom needs a 'wing man'...or 'wing woman'...LOL.  That's where I come in.

I've been talking to my Mom about moving closer to me so that we can raise Aly together as a team.  I know that once Aly gets a little older...the challenges become far greater than what I think my Mom will be able to handle.  She did it once with my brother and I, but I am not certain...with all of the challenges of the teenagers of today...that my Mom is going to be able to deal with it.  Anyway, my Mom has now purchased a home in my city...just a few miles away...and they will be moving out here TOMORROW! 

I will be able to see my little girl as often as I like!  Mom too...[sorry Mom...I'm excited that you will be here too. LOL]  But I am really looking forward to being a more positive influence in Alyissa's life.  We get along so well and I love that she feels safe with me and comfortable to be herself.  That is what I want for her. 

I prayed for a long time to be a Mom...but it just was not going to happen with my husband and I.  And I understand now, through our current circumstances, why we don't have children.  But, in a way, this is an answer to my prayers because I can be a 'Spiritual Mom' just as well as I can be a real Mom.  I can give Aly the guidance and love necessary for her growth as a human being...and that fulfills my maternal instincts, thus filling the hole in my heart.  Leaving a legacy is very important to me, and now I have an opportunity to do just that. 

Praise God for answered prayers. 

Aly, I love EXACTLY who you are!  I am so happy that I will get to spend more time with you.  I am excited for the times to come.  You are my precious girl.  I love you very much...ALWAYS.  Love, Auntie

One Step At A Time...

Hello Everyone,

It has been a while since I have written...a lot has been going on.  Jay being cancer free was short-lived.  The Lord is allowing his cancer to return.  But I can tell you; it was a much needed break from cancer world, no matter how short-lived it was.  Those few weeks allowed us to catch our breath so we are prepared to do battle again.  We've been here before so it wasn't much of a surprise when we got his test results back this week confirming what we already knew.  Jay's attitude is pretty positive...he's bummed out...but we knew that it was a good possibility that it would come back.  He will return to City of Hope next week on Friday for a consultation with a surgeon to remove this tumor which is located at his tailbone.  I don't know if it is ON his tailbone but it is in his lymph node, so that can't be all that great.  I have a ton of questions for the surgeon.  I'm making my list now.  Like, couldn't they have seen this when they were in there just a few months ago?  I won't make myself crazy thinking of all the things they "should've" done...the Lord has this.  I feel a peace about this.  God is so mightily at work in our lives.  I couldn't do this without the love and peace that can only come from the Creator of Life.  My Jaybird is in the hands of the Lord. 

And to add to our trials...Jay's father, Russ, was just diagnosed with pancreatic cancer this past weekend and is having surgery at this very moment to try to remove the tumor.  Obviously, we know that pancreatic cancer is one of the worst types of cancers to get, but the Lord is with Russ and He has met him face-to-face.  As a matter of fact, Dad just gave his life to the Lord yesterday.  Praise God!!  He now receives the gift of heaven and all of the promises of the Lord.  No matter the outcome of this illness, God will restore his body one day and there will be no more suffering.  But praise the Lord that I will see my father-in-law in eternity.  That does my heart good!

For those who are praying for us...thank you for your faithfulness.  I will be writing more often now, as the Lord leads...

Thank You, Lord, for the peace that forever resides in my heart because I have the gift of salvation!  I commit my family to You and pray that Your hand would be upon them. I praise Your holy name!!

God's Miracles and Mercy

This whole miracle thing has had me befuddled, bewildered, and just plain confused...

Let me explain a little better...Jay's scan came back clean.  The miracle carries on!  Praise the Lord.  And this entire time of Jay's recovery, (and let's face it...mine too.) I have been in awe of what God has chosen to do for us...give us a cure...give us a break...give us LIFE!  Throughout the nine weeks since Jay's surgery, I have asked the Lord, "Why would you give us this miracle?"  Yes, I'm sure it's crazy to ask the Lord a "why" question when He has given me a gift from His heart.  But, actually, I'm not crazy at all.  Yesterday, the answer was made very clear to me in a message given by one of the pastors at my church. 

He spoke of Thomas, of "Doubting Thomas" fame, and how Thomas got his name.  Thomas was not afraid to ask the silly, trivial, or even dumb questions.  He was not prideful and afraid of looking stupid.  He was dedicated to the calling of Jesus.  He was willing to follow Jesus wherever He went in order to proclaim Him as the Messiah.  Thomas was willing to die for his savior.  When the disciples couldn't make sense of anything and they were too afraid to ask the necessary questions, Thomas was not afraid to step up and say that he was confused.

Jesus was crucified on the cross and His body was finally laid to rest in the tomb and the disciples were to try and carry on without their Leader.  The disciples were assembled one day and Jesus appeared to them...all except Thomas.  When the disciples told Thomas about Jesus appearing to them, he was reluctant to believe.  Thomas said, "Unless I see in his hands the mark of the nails, and place my finger into the mark of the nails, and place my hand into his side, I will never believe."  (Luke 20:25b)  Thomas could just not wrap his head around what Jesus had done and that He would be resurrected.

Eight days later, Jesus appeared to the disciples again and this time, Thomas was there!  Jesus went to Thomas and said, "Put your finger here, and see my hands; and put out your hand, and place it in my side.  Do not disbelieve, but believe." And then Thomas said, "My Lord and my God!"  Jesus said to him, "Have you believed because you have seen me?  Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed." (Luke 20:27-29) 

Thomas' eyes were suddenly opened to see that Jesus was standing before him.  He was able to touch the wounds that Jesus received on his behalf...on all of our behalf!  But my pastor said something so poignant that really pierced my heart...he said, "It was not Thomas touching Jesus' wounds that made Him see that it was the Lord standing before him, but rather, it was Jesus' wounds touching Thomas that opened his eyes and made him believe."  Again, Thomas couldn't wrap his head around it until the wounds of Jesus touched Him.

This is what Jesus has done for me!  It is through the wounds and shed blood of Jesus Christ that I can have this miracle of my husband's cancer being gone...of a life together.  This miracle was for me, not just for Jay, but for ME!  I'm the skeptical one...I'm the one who couldn't wrap my head around it...but Jesus' wounds have touched me...and continue to touch me so that I might believe with my whole heart that He died just so that I could receive this gift of life. 

Thank you, my Jesus...my Savior...my Lord...my God!  I love you.

Life Continues On...

Today, Jay has a PET/CT scan...many thoughts go with that, but in the interest of taking my thoughts captive, I will just say that the Lord is faithful and leave the planning of my husband's life to Him. 

For those of you who are praying for my Jaybird...please pray that it is a clean scan...no signs of cancer...but ultimately, the Lord's will be done.

As for me...this is a time of refreshment...no, it has nothing to do with eating...LOL...but it has everything to do with me getting closer to the Lord and refreshing my soul.  I have to admit that the past two and a half years have been really exhausting...but with this break that the Lord has given to us, I am now looking to rebuild my strength and for the Holy Spirit to be replenished within me. 

I have joined a new ministry at my church.  It is an eight week study called, "Mentoring Matters."  I am being mentored by a wonderful godly woman.  I had my first study last night with a very small and intimate group of six women...seven with the mentor.  It is a special blessing to know that I will be encouraged and sustained by God through these women.  Each one of us is totally unique but we all have the common thread of Jesus Christ that weaves us together.  It is a special time.

I look forward to sharing with everyone about my experiences in this new ministry and how the Lord is speaking to me.  May God receive the glory.

Thank you to everyone for your continued prayers.  I am blessed...my husband is blessed...WE are blessed to have you.

Jamie

A Normal Life?

Hello Everyone!

Yes, I know...it has been a while since I've written in my journal.  I have been living what I THINK is a normal life again.  Praise the Lord.  A life filled with comings and goings for Jay and I...visitations with friends...dates to the movies and dinner...being lazy on the couch and watching TV...just LIFE.  A life without hospitals...worry about the effects of chemo...just LIFE.  How wonderful it is!!

Well, today we have a consultation appointment with Jay's oncologist here in our local town...no more City of Hope for now...just regular check ups with the original oncologist who wouldn't touch Jay with a 10 foot pole as far as surgery went...he promised that Jay would bleed out on the table if he sent him to have surgery.  WRONG AGAIN DOC!  I'm interested to see what he has to say as he looks at Jay and sees how well he is doing.  That should be sort of fun.  I know, I shouldn't find joy in proving to someone that they were wrong...but in a way...I will be happy to watch him squirm a little.  LOL

Jay and I have been talking lately about whether he thinks that chemotherapy is the way to go to follow up the surgery.  Jay has been wavering.  It's his decision all the way.  If he's not ready, fine with me!  I think he is looking at waiting for the first scan to happen sometime in July or August and see what it presents and then go from there.  If he really is cancer free, the first scan should come back clean...and then hopefully the next...and then the next...but we have no way of knowing.  Only God knows.  I'm leaving it to Him.  I am just overjoyed at the fact that my honey is looking so good and healthy again.  He actually has a wonderful color to his face and almost a glow.  He says that he didn'tven realize that his face was so discolored from the effects of chemo and the cancer.  But he looks in the mirror now and realizes what "healthy" looks like.

So, for now and prayerfully forever, I get to live a normal life.  I am making the transition into living again.  New adventures, new people, new life...that is the best blessing ever...NORMAL!

I pray that everyone is doing well.  I didn't realize how much I've missed communicating with you all.  Have a wonderfulday!  And I promise to write again soon.

Jamie