A New Year...Same Circumstances

Hello All,

I am sorry that I haven't posted in a while, but I've been concentrating on spending time with Jay and making the most of our holidays together.

We made it to 2009! Wheeww! The sad thing is that nothing has improved for my beloved. Unfortunately, the results from a scan that we just got this week revealed that Jay's tumor is on the move again. As far as I know, it is the same ol' tumor, but it has grown; thus causing some pretty uncomfortable side effects for Jay. The tumor is putting pressure on the nerves at the base of Jay's spinal cord, which in turn is now causing his right kidney to receive a lot of pressure. We made a trip to the ER just a few weeks ago, but it was only through the scan this week that we could actually see what was going on.

That's the bad news...the GOOD news is that with some changes made in medications and learning how to manage the pain better, Jay has been sleeping fairly well, and is reasonably comfortable now. He has managed to regain some of his "perk." Praise the Lord!

No, we don't really know what all of this means. We are just "riding the wave." This is definitely a journey...it's not a brief walk...it's long, arduous and exhausting, but OH SO revealing of our own character. The Lord lives at the core of me, and HE is the One who sees me through the difficulties...but I also give my honey credit for being such a strong, strong man. I admire his courage...even in his vulnerabilities...he is my hero. I don't know that I could be so strong.

In the meantime, we just keep plugging along. February 1st will be the 3 year anniversary since Jay's cancer was discovered. I never imagined that three years later we would still be in the battle of our lives, but this trial has been sifted through the fingers of my Lord and Savior and HE alone can use this disease that was meant for bad and use it for HIS purpose. No, I am not mad at God...nor is Jay. We both understand that this is what happened, but it's what we do with it that makes the difference. We are choosing to allow this disease to make us better people...with the Lord's help.

I will try to post again soon, but Jay has an appointment January 22nd with a urologist to see about relieving the pressure from Jay's kidney so I have no idea what to expect. Know that I love each of you that keep up with us and pray for the best for us. I thank the Lord for each of you. It is nice to know that I am not alone.

Please continue to pray for Jay's comfort, for wisdom for the doctors, and over all that the Lord would continue to meet us where we are at.

Blessings to all.

Jamie

Late Thanksgiving...Early Christmas

Hey All,


Things are moving along...Jay has been consistently receiving chemo and has been handling it as well as possible. We hope to get a PET/CT scan in January sometime to review our progress. Jay just finished his last chemo session for a couple of weeks...we go back New Year's Eve...can you say, "Woo...hoo." LOL But seriously, I am so blessed to be ringing in another New Year with my honey. I pray for many more.



Yesterday we celebrated a late Thanksgiving and early Christmas with Jay's entire family. Everyone came to California to celebrate the holidays together. After Dad's bout with pancreatic cancer just a few short months ago and with Jay's ongoing battle, we all figured that we just have too much to be thankful for and that we all need to be together this holiday season. We had a wonderful day together. It was loud and crazy and wonderful all at the same time. Jay was so blessed to have all of his family in one location at the same time. Here are a few pictures for you guys:





Here is the lovely and crazy Hare Family. It takes a lot to get everyone all together like this.





This one was fun and shows the "true" Hare Family. LOL

And then, I couldn't resist including a couple pictures of me and Jay.

Can you tell that I love my guy? LOL

Beautiful memories....

A Blessed Weekend

Well we got started on the long holiday weekend a little early...on Wednesday...Jay had chemo in the morning and in the last 20 minutes of the session, he began to have back spasms and his complexion turned to a slight shade of gray. Needless to say, it was alarming to me AND Patty (our chemo nurse). Patty immediately shut the machine off and ran saline through the IV to see if that would take care of the reaction. It did...praise the Lord! But Jay is famous for having a reaction to each chemo regimen after a certain number of sessions received. So, I took him home and sat and watched him very closely for 24 hours. I hardly slept because I was afraid he would have a delayed reaction...as that has happened before and landed us in the ER. But praise God nothing further happened. So we made it to Thursday without any complications or illness.

Since Jay had chemo on Wednesday, we decided not to celebrate Thanksgiving until Friday so it allowed us to relax for a day or so and recuperate.

Fast forward to Friday...our "official" Thanksgiving Day and my birthday. I cooked a turkey dinner for the very first time in my whole life. I was so proud that I even took a picture...

It may not look like much, but it was tender and juicy and yummy! The dinner was a hit...praise God that I didn't poison anyone! LOL

As I was preparing dinner, my niece, Aly, was getting some exercise from playing Dance, Dance Revolution on the Wii...

She is so cute! I just adore her.

After all was said and done...I think I washed about five loads of dishes...by HAND because I don't own a dishwasher...can you say, "Dish-pan hands??" LOL

We have spent the past couple of days recovering from all of the action...we don't see much around here...and this is what everyone in the house looks like now...LOL.

It was a wonderful weekend...a blessed birthday and Thanksgiving...I couldn't have asked for anything more. The Lord was faithful to bless the time spent with my family...and brought some restorative time to Jay.

For all of these things...I am thankful.

A Birthday Wish/Prayer...

Remember when we were little and everything rode on that one wish you got for your birthday when you blew out the candles??

Well, my 39th birthday is on Friday and we will be celebrating Thanksgiving that day because Jay has chemo on Wednesday and it’s the first day he will actually feel like eating any real food…so the birthday goes out the window because I’d rather give thanks to the Lord for this day with my husband, and my family. But, if I could have one wish come true…one more prayer answered…I would ask that cancer be taken away from all who suffer from it, and never let it take up residence in anyone else ever again.

That sounds like a Miss America Pageant response…”I would ask for world peace.” LOL

Seriously though, I have prayed for the Lord to take this cancer from Jay, and I will continue to do so as I wait for an answer from Him…but I will also keep asking the Lord for answers to questions and solutions to the puzzle that is cancer. He is faithful to answer in His time…I will do my best to be faithful to wait.

His answer for now?...“Be still and know that I am God.” (Psalm 46:10)

Father, I pray that this Thanksgiving will be filled with gratitude for all that You have accomplished through me. I want my eyes to stay focused on You. Please help me to do that. I am thankful for the time I have with Jay and I pray that You will make Your presence known on Friday. Help me to make it a special day for him and my family. Help me to set myself aside. This moment, this day; I give it to You. Amen.

A Day Away?

I've been feeling pretty stressed out lately...well...honestly, I feel stressed out all the time but for some reason this past week I have felt a bit overwhelmed. So, I decided to talk to my boss about taking Friday off. He was very supportive, of course, and gave me the day off. I was excited to have an extra day added to my weekend.

I've been reading this little booklet that I bought about caregivers taking care of themselves...which is somewhat of a foreign concept to me these days. I just keep going and going and going until I drop. I'm close to dropping now...so I contacted a friend of mine who works for a local spa. She offered me a free ticket to the spa a long time ago and I was finally ready to take her up on it. So I set up an appointment to get a massage and a pedicure...I may as well make it a great day while I am there, huh?

It was a beautiful day here in good ol' Southern California yesterday...perfect for a day at the spa. I sat and relaxed by one of the several pools, read a book, got my massage and got a pedicure too. You would think that was a heavenly experience...well...something in me just couldn't relax enough to truly enjoy the day. I kept thinking about my husband and how he doesn't get to take a day off from cancer, so how fair is it for me to enjoy a day away? I just had a difficult time relaxing knowing that Jay was at home and in a lot of pain. I fought with myself all day about it too. I went back and forth between thinking to myself, "Jamie, you've been far too stressed out lately and you need this"...to "Jamie, you need to get home and take care of your husband."

I know that every person that is a caregiver goes through this emotional turmoil, so I try not to be too hard on myself and realize that this is just a normal process...but the roller coaster ride is getting to me now. Have I stopped trusting the Lord? No, not at all...I am just tired...but He is faithful to stay with me even in my weary state...He even carries me at times...when I allow Him to.

So, was it a "day away" from everything? No. It just made me realize how entrenched I truly am in this battle. Scarred, bruised, wounded...alongside my beloved, I fight to the bitter end.

Happy Birthday Jaybird!!

Here are just a few pictures from his special day:

Okay, so the theme of Jay's birthday this year was "Angels." He absolutely worships the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim...even though they didn't make it to the World Series this year, he has remained a die-hard fan. So, I had an idea a few months ago to talk to some friends of mine to see if they had a contact at Angels Stadium. The idea was to just get something signed by one of the players...maybe a hat or a jersey or something. Well, my friends took that idea and ran with it. They got together and wrote a beautiful letter to their contact at Angels Stadium, letting them know what Jay has been through these past couple of years with his cancer and would it be possible to do something special for him? They totally came through! Jay received an entire duffel bag full of Angels stuff.

My friend Karen helped me to wrap each individual item and put it back in the duffel bag on Friday night. So, Saturday morning, Jay had to work hard at unwrapping each of his gifts. LOL He didn't seem to mind though as he had help from our 7 yr old male Boxer, TJ (Tasmanian Devil Jr.). It was hilarious. Jay would peel off a corner of wrapping paper and then reach the gift out to TJ and he would take the corner into his mouth ever so gently and then ease the paper off one piece at a time. I have not laughed so hard in such a long time. To contrast that, our little weenie dog, Sonny, would just tear into the gift as though there was a huge steak waiting for him underneath it all. This comical show almost became more fun than Jay receiving his gifts...almost, but not quite. (Pictures shown above of the gift wrap mess, TJ running away from me with some gift wrap in his mouth, and Sonny jumping into the Angels duffel bag.) LOL

Jay loved every bit of what was in that duffel bag...two "vintage" Angels hats, a patriotic Angels hat (shown in picture), a Torii Hunter t-shirt, a fleece blanket, and a bunch of other little keepsake goodies that made him smile. But the best gift that brought tears to Jay's eyes was the authentic, AUTOGRAPHED, Garret Anderson baseball bat. "GA," as he is called, is one of Jay's favorite players that has been with the Angels organization for about 17 years or so. Jay was blown away at the fact that he had GA's bat. His reaction was priceless.

After we got all cleaned up, I had Jay and the dogs sit in our front yard so I could take a birthday picture. I love this photo. I think I will frame it. We didn't get to go to the park as planned for picture taking, but I thought this was a nice compromise.

As for the rest of the day, we went to the movies and saw the new James Bond movie, "Quantum Solace." We then followed that up with a nice dinner and then dessert and more gifts at my friend Karen's house. She had made her famous salsa for Jay as a gift....great idea as he says he could drink that stuff through a straw, he loves it so much. And then we had ice cream cake from Cold Stone (delicious) and played a card game and then Jay and Karen's husband Tony played hockey on the Wii.

Overall, I think this was one of the most special birthday's Jay has ever had. It was a special day for me. I was present and conscious in every single moment, knowing that this day would be filled with great memories.

Happy Birthday, my beloved Jaybird! I thank the Lord for you. I will love you for all eternity!

A Special Day...

Tomorrow is Jay’s 43rd birthday. I’m going to try to make it a fun day for him. He had a break from chemotherapy this week…not because it was his birthday, but the scheduled break just happened to fall on the week before his birthday.

He has been trying to get outside as much as possible these past few days. The weather has been sunny and in the 80s here in good ol' California. He is still experiencing quite a bit of pain, but the pain medications make it tolerable for him so he can get out of the house. He can’t hike around the lake and fish like he used to, but he can at least get out and enjoy some time outside.

Tomorrow, I am hoping to be able to take him to a park where I can take some more recent pictures of him. He doesn’t really like to pose for the camera, but I don’t care, I make him do it anyway. It took until I was 38 years old to figure out that taking pictures and making memories are important in life, so I’m making up for lost time…as much as possible anyway. So, hopefully by Monday, I will have some pictures to post.

I just want Jay’s birthday to be special, and I’m sure we won’t do anything spectacular, but our time together will be just that…special. I will do everything in my power to see to it that it is.

Blessings on your weekend everyone!


Jamie