Saturday, November 22, 2008

A Day Away?

I've been feeling pretty stressed out lately...well...honestly, I feel stressed out all the time but for some reason this past week I have felt a bit overwhelmed. So, I decided to talk to my boss about taking Friday off. He was very supportive, of course, and gave me the day off. I was excited to have an extra day added to my weekend.

I've been reading this little booklet that I bought about caregivers taking care of themselves...which is somewhat of a foreign concept to me these days. I just keep going and going and going until I drop. I'm close to dropping I contacted a friend of mine who works for a local spa. She offered me a free ticket to the spa a long time ago and I was finally ready to take her up on it. So I set up an appointment to get a massage and a pedicure...I may as well make it a great day while I am there, huh?

It was a beautiful day here in good ol' Southern California yesterday...perfect for a day at the spa. I sat and relaxed by one of the several pools, read a book, got my massage and got a pedicure too. You would think that was a heavenly experience...well...something in me just couldn't relax enough to truly enjoy the day. I kept thinking about my husband and how he doesn't get to take a day off from cancer, so how fair is it for me to enjoy a day away? I just had a difficult time relaxing knowing that Jay was at home and in a lot of pain. I fought with myself all day about it too. I went back and forth between thinking to myself, "Jamie, you've been far too stressed out lately and you need this" "Jamie, you need to get home and take care of your husband."

I know that every person that is a caregiver goes through this emotional turmoil, so I try not to be too hard on myself and realize that this is just a normal process...but the roller coaster ride is getting to me now. Have I stopped trusting the Lord? No, not at all...I am just tired...but He is faithful to stay with me even in my weary state...He even carries me at times...when I allow Him to.

So, was it a "day away" from everything? No. It just made me realize how entrenched I truly am in this battle. Scarred, bruised, wounded...alongside my beloved, I fight to the bitter end.


a corgi said...

but remember you are not fighting the battle alone; the Lord is right there with you fighting it for you

I'm so glad you did have a chance to at least not go to work and get away from the house for a bit to do something fun that was not work related or cancer related. I remember us going through a particular bad time, nothing like cancer, and then doing something so ordinary as going to get a flu shot instead of other reasons we were at the doctor and that felt "good" if that made sense because it was finally something that "regular" people did instead of going to psychiatrists, psychologists, counselors etc (my daughter had a terrible time with severe depression). So I kind of get what you are talking about here Jamie; I think its neat that you have supportive people that saw your need to have some "down time" as difficult as it might have been to fully enjoy that down time

hugs to you and Jay


a corgi said...

I left you an award on my journal; stop by and see me when you can

enjoy your day


Arlene (AJ) said...

Jamie allow yourself to have a break now and then, you need it for your own health and well-being and also for Jay. Allow yourself some personal Jamie time to relax some, vent your concerns with girlfriends, accept some help from family or friends so you aren't 24/7 stressed. Bless you.