Monday, November 10, 2008

Goodness

What I have found in this process of dealing with the constant cancer battle is this…people just want to help. They have no clue what to do to help the situation, but all they know is that they just want to extend a hand of assistance. But when the question is posed, “What can I do to help?” or “What do you need?” - I have no idea what to say!

It’s frustrating because I want help but what I need help with, no one can take care of for us. I want Jay’s cancer to go away. I want his pain to go away. I want him to have a long, healthy life. I want to stay home and be with my husband instead of having to work. What I want and/or need cannot be fulfilled by man or woman.

Somehow I think that the Lord has planned it to be this way. He often reminds me that my help comes from Him. He is the only One that can grant any of my “wants.” But as His plan unfolds, I understand why some of my “wants” are not being granted. Little by little, He reveals parts of His plan to me so that I may receive His peace in my heart. Sometimes, He pulls back the veil just enough for me to gain strength from obtaining His perspective. This allows me to trust Him. And I do trust Him…even when I don’t exactly know how I’m feeling about this situation.

It’s funny…there are some days when I know exactly how to respond when someone asks me how I’m doing…the answer?...“I’m fine, thank you, how are you?” But there are days, like today, when I am emotional and I don’t know what to say when that question is asked. There is a part of me that wants to just say, “How do you think I am? My husband has cancer!” But people truly are being genuine of heart and I don’t want to squash that with my unsteady emotions. Instead, I find myself holding in my emotions and just trying to put the brave smile on my face and say, “I’m fine.” I even find, on the rare occasion when I open up and reveal what is really going on in my heart, myself consoling the person I am sharing information with because they feel bad for asking me how I’m doing. LOL It actually does make me chuckle because it’s as if for a moment, the burden shifts from me to them.

I just love that people can be so good. I love that they truly do want to help carry the burden since they can’t take it away from us. I love that in my little bubble; I am safe and I have many to turn to. That is a blessing from the Lord.

Thank You, Lord, for Your unwavering goodness towards me. I love You!

3 comments:

a corgi said...

(((Jamie)))

good post; I'm sure it is hard on both sides; you for dealing with it and not wanting to perhaps "shoulder" it on others who ask to help and then those who want to help. I think we feel we need to help with something because we feel useless if we don't but I'm sure one of the very best thing you probably want and covet are prayers; but yet when we pray we feel inadequate. good reminders for us to be sensitive to try to help others even if it is just a hug and a smile :)

betty

kelly said...

Jamie,
my friend you have given me so much strength and showed me the courage to get through Kim's passing with teaching me God's word.. something that I did believe in but did not always listen.. there are times where you have to be selfish... take your feelings into consideration.. what you are going through..granted not the same pain as Jay.. but still pain... so let it out..The Lord does have a plan.. you have told me that many times.. his plan for you is to keep you strong so you can survive.. I hope too , that you can find peace in your heart.. you are a beautiful person with a beautiful heart... you my friend have touched my heart...
many hugs to you...
Kelly~

Arlene (AJ) said...

Jamie wish I could be there to give you a hug or a shoulder to cry on when you are going through these tough times....just know I care and keep Jay and you both in my prayers always. Bless you both.