"I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." Philippians 3:14 NKJV
A whole new chapter has begun in my life. On July 12, 2009 at 11:45 am, just six weeks ago, my husband...my beloved Jay...passed away from this life and became a citizen of heaven. I was there, in his arms, when he took his last breath. That was the moment my life changed forever.
I have spent the past three and a half years caring for this man, my husband, my mate, my best friend...taking him to doctor appointments, treatment appointments, surgery appointments; not to mention all of the time at home caring for him and making sure he took his medications and ate something to go with them...every minute filled with something to do for him...and now what do I do???
I am somewhat lost because I don't know what to do for myself. It's time to take care of myself...that's what everyone says...even all of the grief books out there say that...but how do I do that? Where do I start? I've spent so long making sure that I don't put myself first that I don't have a clue what to do for me. I know what "sounds good" but when it comes down to doing what "sounds good" I don't want to do it. I'd rather just go home and sit. Sometimes I feel like I'm running in place. I want to get away, but every time I begin to make plans to get away, I suddenly feel in my heart that it doesn't feel right and then I stop in my tracks. But I have to press on...
The scripture up at the top, Philippians 3:14, is something that stuck out to me because I must now figure out how to get back to "pressing toward the goal," which is serving the Lord. My husband was my first ministry and now he is gone, so my first ministry is serving the Lord. I have no clue what ministry to start serving in, but I'm sure the Lord will show me in His time. He is still healing the huge hole in my heart left behind by my husband's departure.
Being a widow is a very interesting thing. You really find out how good the Lord is and how he really does have a heart for the widows. His provision is abundant. You also find out very quickly who he doesn't want in your life. Being a widow is one of the most vulnerable states of being that you can be in...and the Lord really goes out of His way to protect those of us who are in that state. He has surrounded me with wonderful people who have stepped up to be of help. Praise God!
This transition into my new life has brought out many emotions, but it all comes down to trusting the Lord to restore my life to its fullest...and beyond. My joy has not been lost, but I definitely feel the deep sadness in my heart. Someone recently told me that the "smile in my heart is gone." Wow...I don't even know what to say to that.
Better days are to come. I will continue to press toward the goal and I know that the Lord will be faithful to meet me each step of the way, and when I can't move...He will carry me. Thank You, Lord.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Friday, February 6, 2009
Looking Forward...
Hey All,
Here's a quick update on Jay...and then I'm going to talk about something completely different than CANCER.
Jay received his first round of the new chemo and did rather well. He had minimal nausea, but for some reason that day he had a ton of pain. I think we've gotten it under control for now. One minute, one pain pill at a time. Please keep praying for him.
I have decided to take a chance and begin to LOOK FORWARD instead of just living one moment to the next, as I have sort of gotten stuck in that mode while in the role of caretaker for the last 3 years...and not that I am leaving Jay behind and forgetting about what we are experiencing together...BUT...I do have something that I am so excited about and looking forward to and I really want to allow myself to experience the fun anticipation...
In 295 days from today, I will be turning 40!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am looking forward to the age that is a true milestone...at 40, I am a real woman...no one can call me a "Kiddo" (unless they are twice my age)...I can express myself and what I want without the fear of what people may think of me...and I can actually go to my doctor and request a mammogram without someone telling me, "You're too young for that." Life changes at 40...yes, I understand that the physical stuff all changes...gravity takes hold, memory is lost, vision goes down the tubes...blah, blah, blah...I am just in a good place in my life and I am excited about the possibilities. Praise the Lord for possibilities!
I am already beginning to feel the shift in my attitude about myself and what my life means to me. My internal dialog is no longer shouting in my ear, "You're ugly, you're stupid, you're nothing, you have nothing to contribute to this world." Now my internal dialog tells me, "I love you, you're worth something, you make a difference, your heart is beautiful, your legacy is important." That Internal Voice is, of course, the Lord! I have finally grown enough in my faith to allow it to mature me and I have started allowing the Lord's voice to drown out the lies of the enemy. And spiritual maturity has nothing to do with an age group or anything, but I am encouraged by the changes the Lord has made in my heart and the amount of confidence He gives me that I can now look forward to turning 40 years old...because I desire to do it with grace...the Lord's grace.
I desire to make a difference, and I truly believe that the Lord is using me as a vessel to do just that. He is faithful to show me how it is that I am making a difference in people's lives. Please don't get me wrong...I am not boasting about myself...but I AM boasting about how the Lord has transformed my heart to share His love, to see more with His eyes, and to speak more with His words and not my own. He receives all of the glory for the person that I am and the person I will become.
So, MARK YOUR CALENDARS EVERYONE!!! November 28th...please pray that the Lord will show me how He wants me to celebrate my birth...and my rebirth.
Thank you, Father, for creating me and for continuing to love me no matter how much I falter. Shape me, mold me, and use me how you see fit. May you receive the glory! Amen
Here's a quick update on Jay...and then I'm going to talk about something completely different than CANCER.
Jay received his first round of the new chemo and did rather well. He had minimal nausea, but for some reason that day he had a ton of pain. I think we've gotten it under control for now. One minute, one pain pill at a time. Please keep praying for him.
I have decided to take a chance and begin to LOOK FORWARD instead of just living one moment to the next, as I have sort of gotten stuck in that mode while in the role of caretaker for the last 3 years...and not that I am leaving Jay behind and forgetting about what we are experiencing together...BUT...I do have something that I am so excited about and looking forward to and I really want to allow myself to experience the fun anticipation...
In 295 days from today, I will be turning 40!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am looking forward to the age that is a true milestone...at 40, I am a real woman...no one can call me a "Kiddo" (unless they are twice my age)...I can express myself and what I want without the fear of what people may think of me...and I can actually go to my doctor and request a mammogram without someone telling me, "You're too young for that." Life changes at 40...yes, I understand that the physical stuff all changes...gravity takes hold, memory is lost, vision goes down the tubes...blah, blah, blah...I am just in a good place in my life and I am excited about the possibilities. Praise the Lord for possibilities!
I am already beginning to feel the shift in my attitude about myself and what my life means to me. My internal dialog is no longer shouting in my ear, "You're ugly, you're stupid, you're nothing, you have nothing to contribute to this world." Now my internal dialog tells me, "I love you, you're worth something, you make a difference, your heart is beautiful, your legacy is important." That Internal Voice is, of course, the Lord! I have finally grown enough in my faith to allow it to mature me and I have started allowing the Lord's voice to drown out the lies of the enemy. And spiritual maturity has nothing to do with an age group or anything, but I am encouraged by the changes the Lord has made in my heart and the amount of confidence He gives me that I can now look forward to turning 40 years old...because I desire to do it with grace...the Lord's grace.
I desire to make a difference, and I truly believe that the Lord is using me as a vessel to do just that. He is faithful to show me how it is that I am making a difference in people's lives. Please don't get me wrong...I am not boasting about myself...but I AM boasting about how the Lord has transformed my heart to share His love, to see more with His eyes, and to speak more with His words and not my own. He receives all of the glory for the person that I am and the person I will become.
So, MARK YOUR CALENDARS EVERYONE!!! November 28th...please pray that the Lord will show me how He wants me to celebrate my birth...and my rebirth.
Thank you, Father, for creating me and for continuing to love me no matter how much I falter. Shape me, mold me, and use me how you see fit. May you receive the glory! Amen
Friday, January 30, 2009
Exhaustion
Okay, here is the latest...
Jay had an appointment with his oncologist on Wednesday. We came up with a more comprehensive pain management plan...thank the Lord! We will see if it works. So far, he has still had a ton of pain. Also, we found out that his tumor in the pelvic area has grown to twice its size since August 2008. That means that the chemo drug that he has been on since September is not working. So the doctor changed him to a brand new chemo drug. They have never given it to their patients, it's that new. We will be the guinea pigs. This new drug, Vectibix, has just been put out on the market. We are waiting for it to arrive and then Jay will have chemo next Wednesday. I am a always a bit nervous about a new chemo drug because Jay's body doesn't always react well to them. I am praying that he will be okay and his body will be able to tolerate it. Time will tell with this one.
Jay and I are both extremely exhausted. He is tired of being in pain and not feeling well enough to get out and be active, and I'm tired of this disease robbing him of the ability to get out and live his life! I am drawing strength from the Lord...that is how I am able to work AND take care of Jay. The Lord has been faithful to give me the exact measure that I need to take care of business. But, my body has taken a beating from all of this and it is feeling the need to crash. I can feel it happening. It feels like all of my energy is being sucked out of my body through my big toe. I've lost so much sleep that I am having trouble recuperating. Even when I am able to sleep for several hours straight (which doesn't happen often) it is not enough for me to feel refreshed by it.
These are difficult times, but we are both hanging in there with each other. Jay is still my hero. He is amazing to me.
Love to you all. Pray for us.
Jay had an appointment with his oncologist on Wednesday. We came up with a more comprehensive pain management plan...thank the Lord! We will see if it works. So far, he has still had a ton of pain. Also, we found out that his tumor in the pelvic area has grown to twice its size since August 2008. That means that the chemo drug that he has been on since September is not working. So the doctor changed him to a brand new chemo drug. They have never given it to their patients, it's that new. We will be the guinea pigs. This new drug, Vectibix, has just been put out on the market. We are waiting for it to arrive and then Jay will have chemo next Wednesday. I am a always a bit nervous about a new chemo drug because Jay's body doesn't always react well to them. I am praying that he will be okay and his body will be able to tolerate it. Time will tell with this one.
Jay and I are both extremely exhausted. He is tired of being in pain and not feeling well enough to get out and be active, and I'm tired of this disease robbing him of the ability to get out and live his life! I am drawing strength from the Lord...that is how I am able to work AND take care of Jay. The Lord has been faithful to give me the exact measure that I need to take care of business. But, my body has taken a beating from all of this and it is feeling the need to crash. I can feel it happening. It feels like all of my energy is being sucked out of my body through my big toe. I've lost so much sleep that I am having trouble recuperating. Even when I am able to sleep for several hours straight (which doesn't happen often) it is not enough for me to feel refreshed by it.
These are difficult times, but we are both hanging in there with each other. Jay is still my hero. He is amazing to me.
Love to you all. Pray for us.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
A New Year...Same Circumstances
Hello All,
I am sorry that I haven't posted in a while, but I've been concentrating on spending time with Jay and making the most of our holidays together.
We made it to 2009! Wheeww! The sad thing is that nothing has improved for my beloved. Unfortunately, the results from a scan that we just got this week revealed that Jay's tumor is on the move again. As far as I know, it is the same ol' tumor, but it has grown; thus causing some pretty uncomfortable side effects for Jay. The tumor is putting pressure on the nerves at the base of Jay's spinal cord, which in turn is now causing his right kidney to receive a lot of pressure. We made a trip to the ER just a few weeks ago, but it was only through the scan this week that we could actually see what was going on.
That's the bad news...the GOOD news is that with some changes made in medications and learning how to manage the pain better, Jay has been sleeping fairly well, and is reasonably comfortable now. He has managed to regain some of his "perk." Praise the Lord!
No, we don't really know what all of this means. We are just "riding the wave." This is definitely a journey...it's not a brief walk...it's long, arduous and exhausting, but OH SO revealing of our own character. The Lord lives at the core of me, and HE is the One who sees me through the difficulties...but I also give my honey credit for being such a strong, strong man. I admire his courage...even in his vulnerabilities...he is my hero. I don't know that I could be so strong.
In the meantime, we just keep plugging along. February 1st will be the 3 year anniversary since Jay's cancer was discovered. I never imagined that three years later we would still be in the battle of our lives, but this trial has been sifted through the fingers of my Lord and Savior and HE alone can use this disease that was meant for bad and use it for HIS purpose. No, I am not mad at God...nor is Jay. We both understand that this is what happened, but it's what we do with it that makes the difference. We are choosing to allow this disease to make us better people...with the Lord's help.
I will try to post again soon, but Jay has an appointment January 22nd with a urologist to see about relieving the pressure from Jay's kidney so I have no idea what to expect. Know that I love each of you that keep up with us and pray for the best for us. I thank the Lord for each of you. It is nice to know that I am not alone.
Please continue to pray for Jay's comfort, for wisdom for the doctors, and over all that the Lord would continue to meet us where we are at.
Blessings to all.
Jamie
I am sorry that I haven't posted in a while, but I've been concentrating on spending time with Jay and making the most of our holidays together.
We made it to 2009! Wheeww! The sad thing is that nothing has improved for my beloved. Unfortunately, the results from a scan that we just got this week revealed that Jay's tumor is on the move again. As far as I know, it is the same ol' tumor, but it has grown; thus causing some pretty uncomfortable side effects for Jay. The tumor is putting pressure on the nerves at the base of Jay's spinal cord, which in turn is now causing his right kidney to receive a lot of pressure. We made a trip to the ER just a few weeks ago, but it was only through the scan this week that we could actually see what was going on.
That's the bad news...the GOOD news is that with some changes made in medications and learning how to manage the pain better, Jay has been sleeping fairly well, and is reasonably comfortable now. He has managed to regain some of his "perk." Praise the Lord!
No, we don't really know what all of this means. We are just "riding the wave." This is definitely a journey...it's not a brief walk...it's long, arduous and exhausting, but OH SO revealing of our own character. The Lord lives at the core of me, and HE is the One who sees me through the difficulties...but I also give my honey credit for being such a strong, strong man. I admire his courage...even in his vulnerabilities...he is my hero. I don't know that I could be so strong.
In the meantime, we just keep plugging along. February 1st will be the 3 year anniversary since Jay's cancer was discovered. I never imagined that three years later we would still be in the battle of our lives, but this trial has been sifted through the fingers of my Lord and Savior and HE alone can use this disease that was meant for bad and use it for HIS purpose. No, I am not mad at God...nor is Jay. We both understand that this is what happened, but it's what we do with it that makes the difference. We are choosing to allow this disease to make us better people...with the Lord's help.
I will try to post again soon, but Jay has an appointment January 22nd with a urologist to see about relieving the pressure from Jay's kidney so I have no idea what to expect. Know that I love each of you that keep up with us and pray for the best for us. I thank the Lord for each of you. It is nice to know that I am not alone.
Please continue to pray for Jay's comfort, for wisdom for the doctors, and over all that the Lord would continue to meet us where we are at.
Blessings to all.
Jamie
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Late Thanksgiving...Early Christmas
Hey All,
Things are moving along...Jay has been consistently receiving chemo and has been handling it as well as possible. We hope to get a PET/CT scan in January sometime to review our progress. Jay just finished his last chemo session for a couple of weeks...we go back New Year's Eve...can you say, "Woo...hoo." LOL But seriously, I am so blessed to be ringing in another New Year with my honey. I pray for many more.
Yesterday we celebrated a late Thanksgiving and early Christmas with Jay's entire family. Everyone came to California to celebrate the holidays together. After Dad's bout with pancreatic cancer just a few short months ago and with Jay's ongoing battle, we all figured that we just have too much to be thankful for and that we all need to be together this holiday season. We had a wonderful day together. It was loud and crazy and wonderful all at the same time. Jay was so blessed to have all of his family in one location at the same time. Here are a few pictures for you guys:
Here is the lovely and crazy Hare Family. It takes a lot to get everyone all together like this.
This one was fun and shows the "true" Hare Family. LOL
And then, I couldn't resist including a couple pictures of me and Jay.
Things are moving along...Jay has been consistently receiving chemo and has been handling it as well as possible. We hope to get a PET/CT scan in January sometime to review our progress. Jay just finished his last chemo session for a couple of weeks...we go back New Year's Eve...can you say, "Woo...hoo." LOL But seriously, I am so blessed to be ringing in another New Year with my honey. I pray for many more.
Yesterday we celebrated a late Thanksgiving and early Christmas with Jay's entire family. Everyone came to California to celebrate the holidays together. After Dad's bout with pancreatic cancer just a few short months ago and with Jay's ongoing battle, we all figured that we just have too much to be thankful for and that we all need to be together this holiday season. We had a wonderful day together. It was loud and crazy and wonderful all at the same time. Jay was so blessed to have all of his family in one location at the same time. Here are a few pictures for you guys:
Here is the lovely and crazy Hare Family. It takes a lot to get everyone all together like this.
This one was fun and shows the "true" Hare Family. LOL
And then, I couldn't resist including a couple pictures of me and Jay.
Can you tell that I love my guy? LOL
Beautiful memories....
Sunday, November 30, 2008
A Blessed Weekend
Well we got started on the long holiday weekend a little early...on Wednesday...Jay had chemo in the morning and in the last 20 minutes of the session, he began to have back spasms and his complexion turned to a slight shade of gray. Needless to say, it was alarming to me AND Patty (our chemo nurse). Patty immediately shut the machine off and ran saline through the IV to see if that would take care of the reaction. It did...praise the Lord! But Jay is famous for having a reaction to each chemo regimen after a certain number of sessions received. So, I took him home and sat and watched him very closely for 24 hours. I hardly slept because I was afraid he would have a delayed reaction...as that has happened before and landed us in the ER. But praise God nothing further happened. So we made it to Thursday without any complications or illness.
Since Jay had chemo on Wednesday, we decided not to celebrate Thanksgiving until Friday so it allowed us to relax for a day or so and recuperate.
Fast forward to Friday...our "official" Thanksgiving Day and my birthday. I cooked a turkey dinner for the very first time in my whole life. I was so proud that I even took a picture...
It may not look like much, but it was tender and juicy and yummy! The dinner was a hit...praise God that I didn't poison anyone! LOL
As I was preparing dinner, my niece, Aly, was getting some exercise from playing Dance, Dance Revolution on the Wii...
She is so cute! I just adore her.
After all was said and done...I think I washed about five loads of dishes...by HAND because I don't own a dishwasher...can you say, "Dish-pan hands??" LOL
We have spent the past couple of days recovering from all of the action...we don't see much around here...and this is what everyone in the house looks like now...LOL.
It was a wonderful weekend...a blessed birthday and Thanksgiving...I couldn't have asked for anything more. The Lord was faithful to bless the time spent with my family...and brought some restorative time to Jay.
For all of these things...I am thankful.
Monday, November 24, 2008
A Birthday Wish/Prayer...
Remember when we were little and everything rode on that one wish you got for your birthday when you blew out the candles??
Well, my 39th birthday is on Friday and we will be celebrating Thanksgiving that day because Jay has chemo on Wednesday and it’s the first day he will actually feel like eating any real food…so the birthday goes out the window because I’d rather give thanks to the Lord for this day with my husband, and my family. But, if I could have one wish come true…one more prayer answered…I would ask that cancer be taken away from all who suffer from it, and never let it take up residence in anyone else ever again.
That sounds like a Miss America Pageant response…”I would ask for world peace.” LOL
Seriously though, I have prayed for the Lord to take this cancer from Jay, and I will continue to do so as I wait for an answer from Him…but I will also keep asking the Lord for answers to questions and solutions to the puzzle that is cancer. He is faithful to answer in His time…I will do my best to be faithful to wait.
His answer for now?...“Be still and know that I am God.” (Psalm 46:10)
Father, I pray that this Thanksgiving will be filled with gratitude for all that You have accomplished through me. I want my eyes to stay focused on You. Please help me to do that. I am thankful for the time I have with Jay and I pray that You will make Your presence known on Friday. Help me to make it a special day for him and my family. Help me to set myself aside. This moment, this day; I give it to You. Amen.
Well, my 39th birthday is on Friday and we will be celebrating Thanksgiving that day because Jay has chemo on Wednesday and it’s the first day he will actually feel like eating any real food…so the birthday goes out the window because I’d rather give thanks to the Lord for this day with my husband, and my family. But, if I could have one wish come true…one more prayer answered…I would ask that cancer be taken away from all who suffer from it, and never let it take up residence in anyone else ever again.
That sounds like a Miss America Pageant response…”I would ask for world peace.” LOL
Seriously though, I have prayed for the Lord to take this cancer from Jay, and I will continue to do so as I wait for an answer from Him…but I will also keep asking the Lord for answers to questions and solutions to the puzzle that is cancer. He is faithful to answer in His time…I will do my best to be faithful to wait.
His answer for now?...“Be still and know that I am God.” (Psalm 46:10)
Father, I pray that this Thanksgiving will be filled with gratitude for all that You have accomplished through me. I want my eyes to stay focused on You. Please help me to do that. I am thankful for the time I have with Jay and I pray that You will make Your presence known on Friday. Help me to make it a special day for him and my family. Help me to set myself aside. This moment, this day; I give it to You. Amen.
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