The Struggle - Keepin' It Real

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.  Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the LORD and shun evil.  This will bring health to your body and nourishment to your bones."  (Proverbs 3:5-8 NIV)

Jay and I went to the oncologist today and he is still doing well.  His liver enzymes are still a bit elevated, but the numbers are improving slightly.  Praise the Lord for that!  He has a PET/CT scan Friday morning and then starts IV chemo on Friday afternoon.  Sessions will be 4 hours long, every other week.  In four weeks we go back to see the oncologist again.  "We are going to be playing it by ear," says the doc.  Meaning, we will do a few weeks of chemo and then see where that gets us. 

The doctor seemed very distracted today.  He was late getting to us in the examination room, and then he came in and tried to rush us along.  We kept asking him to clarify what he meant so we could write stuff down and understand what the plan was for Jay.  Then, once he was finally making some sense to us, he tried to rush us out without giving us the results of Jay's blood tests.  His liver enzymes were elevated last time around, so I was concerned with how the tests look now.  So, as the doc was closing Jay's ever thickening chart, he says, "Okay, so I'll see you in four weeks!" and proceeds toward the door.  "Oh NO!  I don't think so," I said.  The doc quickly turned around obviously caught off guard by my tone of voice.   

I said that I wanted him to tell us the results and he quickly said, "They're fine."  I said, "No, I want you to actually LOOK at the results and compare them to last time and tell me if the levels are the same, worse or better."  He seemed a little annoyed at this, but he obliged.  He said that the levels are better than last time, but are still elevated and that was why he was calling for a PET/CT scan so he could have a base line scan to see if the radiation/chemo combo helped.  Now, that made sense to me, but I wanted to hear him say it. 

The doc is not normally like this, so needless-to-say I was very shocked by his behavior and I am trying to chalk it up to the fact that he has lots of patients and he was just really busy.  But, I won't let anyone treat my husband like he is just another patient.  As if all cancer patients are the same or something.  Jay is different from everyone else, if for no other reason than he is my husband and I won't tolerate second rate care!

Jay told me today that he is ready to start going to all of his appointments on his own.  He doesn't need me to be with him.  I have mixed emotions about this because on one hand, I want to be there with him because I am walking through this trial with him and I have a need to know what's going on and want to hear it at the same time as Jay.  But, on the other hand, he feels as though he's got this under control and he doesn't need me to be there with him.  So, I need to be able to just let him do this on his own and not take it as a sign that he doesn't need me anymore. 

I've rather enjoyed the time he has been off work and at home.  I have felt more connected to him.  But,I want more than anything for him to have a normal life again and go back to work and do the things that he wants to do.  I think we're heading in that direction...at least my hope is for that anyway.  I'm praying for the Lord to heal him completely of this disease.  I don't know for sure what will happen but I am praying for the best results possible.  My honey deserves that. 

With all of the emotions that come with this whole treatment process, and the fact that I just lost a very dear loved one, I have been emotionally overwhelmed lately.  I have felt as though I were drowning.  But, the Lord has been faithful to keep reminding me that He is in control and that I need to TRUST Him. 

As I am typing this entry out, I am beginning to understand that I am getting in my own way by being so angry.  I need to lean on the Lord for His understanding of how and why things happen the way they do and not my own.  I know nothing, and can do absolutely nothing without my Lord, so why do I struggle?  I shouldn't bother, right? 

Well, I'm human.  I will struggle until the day that I die.  Some days I wish that would happen soon so I won't have to deal with heartache, but I know that the Lord has a plan for my life, Jay's life and the life of everyone around me and I need to honor God and allow Him to shine through all circumstances whether desired or not.  I have to allow Him to dig in, and dig up!

"Let Him plough, He purposeth a crop." - J. Oswald Sanders

Lord, I don't want You to just take my anger from me...I am handing it over to You.  Do with it whatever will glorify You.  None of what I am going through is easy, but I am trusting You to turn that which was meant for bad into something beautiful and brilliant as only You can do.  Help me to look inward and see what You see in me.  Renew me.  Revive me.  Mend my heart, Lord.  In my desperation, I cry out to You because I know You hear me.  Carry my burdens.  Carry me.  I love you. In Christ's name.  Amen.