It has been a few days since our appointment with the surgeon and Jay has had time to mull everything over and he has figured out that it will be worth it to endure another surgery if it gives him a shot at a longer life…and even possibly remission and/or cure. He, of course, didn’t tell me this…I overheard him talking to someone on the phone and saying those words.
To me, it’s a no-brainer…a shot at a longer life when your life at 42 years old is being threatened…but I’m not the cancer patient. I had told him the same day as our appointment that I would support whatever decision that he made. I don’t want to push him into a surgery that may or may not work and if the worst case scenario happened, I don’t want the blame to come to me. I want him to know that even if he decided to skip the surgery and just seek the best quality of life for whatever life he has left that I would spend every waking moment trying to make it the best life ever for him.
Well, now that we know that the surgeon wants to do surgery…I thought I’d share what my thoughts were while I was sitting in the waiting room and then the examination room. I just want others to know that even in the midst of a crises…you can rely on the Lord’s strength and power to get through it.
Journal Entry - 03/10/08…It’s a weird feeling sitting in a cancer hospital waiting room…looking around to try and determine which are the cancer patients and which are the caretaker/family members…you know, cancer doesn’t look like it did even five years ago…some patients don’t lose their hair or lose weight…it’s just not easy to tell anymore…if you look at my Jay, you wouldn’t know that he was a cancer patient…he just looks like a normal guy…thinning hair, but otherwise pretty normal…and foxy if you asked me…LOL.
It is a strange feeling knowing that a doctor is going to come into this examination room and determine my husband’s fate…but it’s a good feeling to know that God is looking out for us no matter what and it is He that truly determines our fate.
I am putting my trust in God for this day and this moment…and then moment-by-moment I will consciously make the choice to allow this to work for our good…I no longer want to try and guess what God has in store for us…I used to think of it as a sort of game to see if I could figure out God’s plan before He revealed it…well, doing that is a kind of sin because it means that I’m not sitting back and letting God be God…trying to figure out His next move is detrimental to my spirit because, first, I’m missing out on His blessings and His lessons if I’m trying to anticipate a move on His part, second, I am allowing the enemy to fill my mind with lies because I can never guess totally correctly what is on God’s mind and in His plan, and thirdly, I am allowing my joy in my circumstances be taken away because I’m too busy trying to be the prophet that I am NOT instead of being obedient to sit back and WAIT on the Lord.
If this doctor comes in today and says that surgery is not an option, I am to KNOW that it was not a part of the Lord’s plan for us…and not only know, but TRUST that God is in control. His plan is better than any plan that I can dream up.
May the Lord receive the glory for what we are about to experience with this surgery and recovery…Lord, give me strength to be there for my husband and give my Jaybird Your peace that surpasses all understanding and wisdom to know that You are in control.
God bless you all. Thank you for reading my blog.