My Favorite Little Girl

In the midst of all of the trials that I am going through...I neglected to mention one of the positive things going on in my life.  Shame on me.

I have a beautiful 11 year old niece, Alyissa, and she is the light of my life.  I haven't gotten to see her very often in her 11 years, but she won me over the day she was born and has been my favorite ever since.  I absolutely adore this little girl...young lady...well, whatever, she has my heart. 

Alyissa is at the tender age where the world can influence her either negatively or positively...that's it...there are only two ways to go.  Well, I won't let the negative influences of this world get to my girl.  I want her to grow up knowing just how special she is and that nothing can stop her from accomplishing all that she dreams of. 

There have been people in her life that have given her the impression that she isn't good enough...that because she doesn't have the right clothes or the family isn't rich then she is less of a person because of it...thus shaking her confidence in herself.  That makes me so angry!  People are always so eager to put other people down so they can make themselves feel more superior...well I'm not going to allow that to happen to Alyissa...not on my watch!!  

I remember when I was her age...I know what all of the negative did to me.  I will do everything I can to help her realize that it isn't her fault that other people are judgmental.  She needs to know that she can be herself...and NO MATTER WHAT...she will be loved.

Okay, so here's the situation...my Mom...Alyissa's Grandma...takes care of her.  Almost since the time Aly was born.  And for a number of years now, my Mom has had custody of her 100% of the time.  Well, my Mom has made a huge sacrifice to do this.  She didn't have to, but she saw the need for it and set her life aside to take care of this little girl.  I am so proud of my Mom for that sacrifice she has made.  But Mom is getting to the point where she needs help with Aly.  Aly has her own opinions of how life should go...and we all know what happens as little girls turn into teenagers.  Yikes!  So Mom needs a 'wing man'...or 'wing woman'...LOL.  That's where I come in.

I've been talking to my Mom about moving closer to me so that we can raise Aly together as a team.  I know that once Aly gets a little older...the challenges become far greater than what I think my Mom will be able to handle.  She did it once with my brother and I, but I am not certain...with all of the challenges of the teenagers of today...that my Mom is going to be able to deal with it.  Anyway, my Mom has now purchased a home in my city...just a few miles away...and they will be moving out here TOMORROW! 

I will be able to see my little girl as often as I like!  Mom too...[sorry Mom...I'm excited that you will be here too. LOL]  But I am really looking forward to being a more positive influence in Alyissa's life.  We get along so well and I love that she feels safe with me and comfortable to be herself.  That is what I want for her. 

I prayed for a long time to be a Mom...but it just was not going to happen with my husband and I.  And I understand now, through our current circumstances, why we don't have children.  But, in a way, this is an answer to my prayers because I can be a 'Spiritual Mom' just as well as I can be a real Mom.  I can give Aly the guidance and love necessary for her growth as a human being...and that fulfills my maternal instincts, thus filling the hole in my heart.  Leaving a legacy is very important to me, and now I have an opportunity to do just that. 

Praise God for answered prayers. 

Aly, I love EXACTLY who you are!  I am so happy that I will get to spend more time with you.  I am excited for the times to come.  You are my precious girl.  I love you very much...ALWAYS.  Love, Auntie

One Step At A Time...

Hello Everyone,

It has been a while since I have written...a lot has been going on.  Jay being cancer free was short-lived.  The Lord is allowing his cancer to return.  But I can tell you; it was a much needed break from cancer world, no matter how short-lived it was.  Those few weeks allowed us to catch our breath so we are prepared to do battle again.  We've been here before so it wasn't much of a surprise when we got his test results back this week confirming what we already knew.  Jay's attitude is pretty positive...he's bummed out...but we knew that it was a good possibility that it would come back.  He will return to City of Hope next week on Friday for a consultation with a surgeon to remove this tumor which is located at his tailbone.  I don't know if it is ON his tailbone but it is in his lymph node, so that can't be all that great.  I have a ton of questions for the surgeon.  I'm making my list now.  Like, couldn't they have seen this when they were in there just a few months ago?  I won't make myself crazy thinking of all the things they "should've" done...the Lord has this.  I feel a peace about this.  God is so mightily at work in our lives.  I couldn't do this without the love and peace that can only come from the Creator of Life.  My Jaybird is in the hands of the Lord. 

And to add to our trials...Jay's father, Russ, was just diagnosed with pancreatic cancer this past weekend and is having surgery at this very moment to try to remove the tumor.  Obviously, we know that pancreatic cancer is one of the worst types of cancers to get, but the Lord is with Russ and He has met him face-to-face.  As a matter of fact, Dad just gave his life to the Lord yesterday.  Praise God!!  He now receives the gift of heaven and all of the promises of the Lord.  No matter the outcome of this illness, God will restore his body one day and there will be no more suffering.  But praise the Lord that I will see my father-in-law in eternity.  That does my heart good!

For those who are praying for us...thank you for your faithfulness.  I will be writing more often now, as the Lord leads...

Thank You, Lord, for the peace that forever resides in my heart because I have the gift of salvation!  I commit my family to You and pray that Your hand would be upon them. I praise Your holy name!!

God's Miracles and Mercy

This whole miracle thing has had me befuddled, bewildered, and just plain confused...

Let me explain a little better...Jay's scan came back clean.  The miracle carries on!  Praise the Lord.  And this entire time of Jay's recovery, (and let's face it...mine too.) I have been in awe of what God has chosen to do for us...give us a cure...give us a break...give us LIFE!  Throughout the nine weeks since Jay's surgery, I have asked the Lord, "Why would you give us this miracle?"  Yes, I'm sure it's crazy to ask the Lord a "why" question when He has given me a gift from His heart.  But, actually, I'm not crazy at all.  Yesterday, the answer was made very clear to me in a message given by one of the pastors at my church. 

He spoke of Thomas, of "Doubting Thomas" fame, and how Thomas got his name.  Thomas was not afraid to ask the silly, trivial, or even dumb questions.  He was not prideful and afraid of looking stupid.  He was dedicated to the calling of Jesus.  He was willing to follow Jesus wherever He went in order to proclaim Him as the Messiah.  Thomas was willing to die for his savior.  When the disciples couldn't make sense of anything and they were too afraid to ask the necessary questions, Thomas was not afraid to step up and say that he was confused.

Jesus was crucified on the cross and His body was finally laid to rest in the tomb and the disciples were to try and carry on without their Leader.  The disciples were assembled one day and Jesus appeared to them...all except Thomas.  When the disciples told Thomas about Jesus appearing to them, he was reluctant to believe.  Thomas said, "Unless I see in his hands the mark of the nails, and place my finger into the mark of the nails, and place my hand into his side, I will never believe."  (Luke 20:25b)  Thomas could just not wrap his head around what Jesus had done and that He would be resurrected.

Eight days later, Jesus appeared to the disciples again and this time, Thomas was there!  Jesus went to Thomas and said, "Put your finger here, and see my hands; and put out your hand, and place it in my side.  Do not disbelieve, but believe." And then Thomas said, "My Lord and my God!"  Jesus said to him, "Have you believed because you have seen me?  Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed." (Luke 20:27-29) 

Thomas' eyes were suddenly opened to see that Jesus was standing before him.  He was able to touch the wounds that Jesus received on his behalf...on all of our behalf!  But my pastor said something so poignant that really pierced my heart...he said, "It was not Thomas touching Jesus' wounds that made Him see that it was the Lord standing before him, but rather, it was Jesus' wounds touching Thomas that opened his eyes and made him believe."  Again, Thomas couldn't wrap his head around it until the wounds of Jesus touched Him.

This is what Jesus has done for me!  It is through the wounds and shed blood of Jesus Christ that I can have this miracle of my husband's cancer being gone...of a life together.  This miracle was for me, not just for Jay, but for ME!  I'm the skeptical one...I'm the one who couldn't wrap my head around it...but Jesus' wounds have touched me...and continue to touch me so that I might believe with my whole heart that He died just so that I could receive this gift of life. 

Thank you, my Jesus...my Savior...my Lord...my God!  I love you.

Life Continues On...

Today, Jay has a PET/CT scan...many thoughts go with that, but in the interest of taking my thoughts captive, I will just say that the Lord is faithful and leave the planning of my husband's life to Him. 

For those of you who are praying for my Jaybird...please pray that it is a clean scan...no signs of cancer...but ultimately, the Lord's will be done.

As for me...this is a time of refreshment...no, it has nothing to do with eating...LOL...but it has everything to do with me getting closer to the Lord and refreshing my soul.  I have to admit that the past two and a half years have been really exhausting...but with this break that the Lord has given to us, I am now looking to rebuild my strength and for the Holy Spirit to be replenished within me. 

I have joined a new ministry at my church.  It is an eight week study called, "Mentoring Matters."  I am being mentored by a wonderful godly woman.  I had my first study last night with a very small and intimate group of six women...seven with the mentor.  It is a special blessing to know that I will be encouraged and sustained by God through these women.  Each one of us is totally unique but we all have the common thread of Jesus Christ that weaves us together.  It is a special time.

I look forward to sharing with everyone about my experiences in this new ministry and how the Lord is speaking to me.  May God receive the glory.

Thank you to everyone for your continued prayers.  I am blessed...my husband is blessed...WE are blessed to have you.

Jamie

A Normal Life?

Hello Everyone!

Yes, I know...it has been a while since I've written in my journal.  I have been living what I THINK is a normal life again.  Praise the Lord.  A life filled with comings and goings for Jay and I...visitations with friends...dates to the movies and dinner...being lazy on the couch and watching TV...just LIFE.  A life without hospitals...worry about the effects of chemo...just LIFE.  How wonderful it is!!

Well, today we have a consultation appointment with Jay's oncologist here in our local town...no more City of Hope for now...just regular check ups with the original oncologist who wouldn't touch Jay with a 10 foot pole as far as surgery went...he promised that Jay would bleed out on the table if he sent him to have surgery.  WRONG AGAIN DOC!  I'm interested to see what he has to say as he looks at Jay and sees how well he is doing.  That should be sort of fun.  I know, I shouldn't find joy in proving to someone that they were wrong...but in a way...I will be happy to watch him squirm a little.  LOL

Jay and I have been talking lately about whether he thinks that chemotherapy is the way to go to follow up the surgery.  Jay has been wavering.  It's his decision all the way.  If he's not ready, fine with me!  I think he is looking at waiting for the first scan to happen sometime in July or August and see what it presents and then go from there.  If he really is cancer free, the first scan should come back clean...and then hopefully the next...and then the next...but we have no way of knowing.  Only God knows.  I'm leaving it to Him.  I am just overjoyed at the fact that my honey is looking so good and healthy again.  He actually has a wonderful color to his face and almost a glow.  He says that he didn'tven realize that his face was so discolored from the effects of chemo and the cancer.  But he looks in the mirror now and realizes what "healthy" looks like.

So, for now and prayerfully forever, I get to live a normal life.  I am making the transition into living again.  New adventures, new people, new life...that is the best blessing ever...NORMAL!

I pray that everyone is doing well.  I didn't realize how much I've missed communicating with you all.  Have a wonderfulday!  And I promise to write again soon.

Jamie

Changing Direction

Okay, so here it is...the BIG question...

How do you switch gears from preparing for a loved one's death to suddenly looking at the possibility of spending a lifetime with them?  I have spent the past several days pondering this very question.  The Lord revealed a completely different plan to us a few weeks ago and now I am having trouble making the transition.  I have experienced every emotion possible.  I have been overwhelmed with joy, felt the sorrow for people who still face the cancer battle, feared the cancer coming back again, and now I'm in the "Now what do I do, Lord?" phase. 

A few months ago, Jay and I were making the "bucket list" of things to do before he died.  Today, we are faced with the very real possibility of him having to go back to work.  I know...I know...what a great dilemma to be in!  And it is!  Trust me, I count it a blessing.  It is just difficult because my head is still spinning and my heart overflowing from the turn of events.

I suppose more time has to go by before I will know which path the Lord has for us next.  Until then...I will stay the course until the Lord changes the direction of our path again.  I trust that He is capable to be the Leader...I am good with just being the follower.

God bless.

Survivor's Guilt?

A very unusual thing has been happening these past couple of days...I have been experiencing several different emotions after finding out that my husband is cancer free.  I've been thinking about those people in the hospital that weren't getting to go home just yet, or wouldn't ever go home...and the overwhelming feeling of sadness has been felt deep in my heart.  Could it be survivor's guilt???

And today, a co-worker of mine who has been facing the same struggles as me for quite some time because his wife has been battling cancer, has lost his beautiful wife to the disease.  And I feel that deep in my heart too...not because I knew his wife, but because I understood this man's trial and what he was going through... that is, until now.  

The Lord spared my husband and took his wife.  Please don't get me wrong...I totally understand that the Lord has a plan for each of us and I trust that when someone's time is up and the Lord calls them home, it fulfills the Lord's perfect plan.  The Lord holds the number of our days in His hands.  But, here is what I'm having a struggle with...how on earth did I get so blessed?  Why would the Lord choose to spare me and my husband and not the next person?  I will never be able to figure it out, but I am overwhelmed at the fact that the Lord has given me such a gift...and shown me such mercy.  I am overjoyed to the point of being dumbfounded!  Truly GOBSMACKED!...or GODsmacked!

We are told in the bible not to lean on our own understanding, but in all our ways, acknowledge God and He will direct our paths. (Proverbs 3:5-6)  Well, I am acknowledging that I don't have a bit of understanding as to what the Lord's plan is for us...but I am so blessed that it involves spending more time with my Jay.

I'm not to try and figure out God...it will never happen anyway...I am to simply live moment to moment and know in my heart that God is in control of everything...and He absolutely is!

Lord, a thank you will just never be enough...