First things first...the Lord receives all the credit for getting Jay and I to where we are right this minute. "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him who have been called according to His purpose." (Romans 8:28) Minute by minute is how I choose to deal with this trial, and I can see the Lord at work in every one of those minutes that pass me by.
Intellectually, there is absolutely no reason I can think of that someone should be the recipient of the disease known as cancer...the "Big C." This disease is terrible at best, yet the Lord has managed to work it out to where HE would be glorified through my husband's illness. My Jaybird has been able to withstand daily chemotherapy and radiation and all of its side effects, and still manage to go fishing or get in a round of golf on a regular basis.
It is a miracle to me that my honey can ingest poison on a daily basis, and receive radiation blasts to his abdomen five days a week, and still be able to perform his regular daily tasks. He is able to keep going through all of the nausea, fatigue and neuropathy. That, right there, tells me that not only does God exist, but that He exists for the purpose of giving my honey the strength to persevere.
All the prayers that have been lifted up on Jay's behalf (mine too) have made this experience much easier to deal with. I'm not saying that it is easy by any means, IT'S NOT, but anyone who knows the Lord, knows a "peace that surpasses all understanding"(Philippians 4:7) and that is what makes it so that I am able to carry on and not just exist in this life, but actually LIVE IT. It is the love of the people that surround Jay and I, the prayers they lift up on our behalf, and the faithfulness of the Lord to hear those prayers and answer that make it all possible.
So, this journal is intended to be my way of expressing my experience of walking beside my very courageous husband as we fight the good fight. I intend to allow myself to feel every emotion that comes with thisand not hide from it. It would be very easy to go to the doctor and request some type of pill that will make it "all seem better," but that is not what is best for me. That only delays the inevitable, which is, I will feel all of these emotions at some point in time anyway, so why not feel them now and allow the Lord to work in me through these experiences.
All I can say now is enjoy the ride!