Thursday, September 3, 2009

"Me" vs. "We"

Everyday it seems that there is some new discovery on my part of what is an emotional trigger for me...I'm sure that it is totally normal...everything is "normal" when it comes to grieving the loss of a loved one, so I'm told. Absolutely nothing FEELS normal, but I guess that's normal too! LOL

Today, I discovered that it makes me a little bit sick to my stomach when I mistakenly say, "We" this or "We" that. I was talking to someone about making over a couple of rooms in the house and I said, "We are changing some things..." We?? No...I am making some changes. It's still a shock to my system to know that I am no longer a "we". WOW...it's just me now.

It is a very strange feeling to now be living as a single woman when all I've known for half of my lifetime is being my husband's partner. What on earth do you do when half of you has been cut away?? Everything just feels so very foreign.

Amputees suffer from what is called, "phantom pain" when they have some part of their body cut off and they imagine in their head that they still have that limb or extremity. Dare I say that what I'm going through is...similar? If I may be so bold...YES! Where there once was someone at my side for 20 years, now there is nothing, but I still feel like I can look at my side and Jay will be standing right there holding my hand. Phantom pain! When I lay in bed at night and only sleep on my side and I let my foot wander over to the "other side"...his side; I still think that I will be able to feel him there. Phantom pain!! I still look at my watch at 10:00 and 2:00 while I'm at work because those were the times that I would call Jay every single day and remind him to take his medicine. Phantom pain!

I am no longer a "we." I am just "me" now.

Phantom pain...

2 comments:

a corgi said...

(((Jamie))))

Its gotta be so hard for you; I can't imagine.......

praying for you to feel God's presence and comfort in your life as you grieve, as you mourn, as you press on

betty

Arlene (AJ) said...

Jamie, please know you are in my special thoughts and prayers dear. The special love you and Jay shared will always hold a special place in your heart. Just take it one day at a time dear; allow yourself to cry and laugh and if you need support try joining your church group's support group...my Sis Mary Ann did this after her hubby Ron passed from his cancer and it was and still is a special group that is there for each other. Bless you dear.