Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Memories...A Continual Slide Show

It has only been six weeks since Jay passed away so memories are flooding my mind and heart as an internal slide show. Someone will say something that reminds me of him or something he once did and a picture of that moment will enter my mind. Sometimes it is comforting to me...sometimes it is just added torture to the gut-wrenching mourning that I'm already experiencing.

Today's "slide show" of memories were of him getting his staples out at City of Hope last year after what we believed would be the surgery to cure him (if only...)...and then the other picture that pops into my head nearly everyday is of his last moments with me. I think that one won't go away for a while.

I actually still have nightmares that he died that Sunday morning when no one was around or paying attention. I know for a fact that I was there with him, lying in his hospital bed cuddled in the crook of his arm and neck, stroking his hair and face and telling him that I love him and that it's okay for him to go be with the Lord, and yet, I still have nightmares that he died when I wasn't looking. I was so fearful of that for months before he passed away. I guess it is just my mind's way of processing those fears...or the enemy's way of trying to convince me that I didn't do enough for him. But my God is bigger than the efforts of the enemy, so when I do have those nightmares I just hand them, and the feelings that come with them, over to the Lord.

One memory that I'm having right this minute (just because I'm consciously thinking about Jay's last days) was one of my best friend Karen leaning over the hospital bed singing to softly and sweetly...singing in his ear. I don't have a clue what she was singing because there were many people around but I just know the peace that I witnessed in him as she sang to him. He wasn't too responsive that day, but I know he was in there and he was listening. That memory is one of the sweetest that I carry in my heart of that weekend. It was a precious and treasured moment for Karen too, I'm sure.

I know that the days of me soaking my pillow with my tears at night are not over, but I am thankful for the days that I can receive the Lord's peace and enjoy the memories that flood my heart. And for the days that the memories feel like arrows piercing my heart; the Lord is faithful to heal my wounds and I will receive his healing one day.

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." Psalm 147:33

Thank You, Lord, for saving me when I feel faint of heart. Thank You for Your continued healing touch. Help me to keep moving forward. Amen.

My Beloved Jay, I miss you so much. It hurts more than I ever could've imagined. I will see you again one day, Honey. I long for that day. I love you endlessly; eternally.


Carrie Stuart said...

Oh Jamie...I can only imagine what you are going through. I'm sure the slideshow is a blessing, but it hurts my heart to think of you without Jay and missing him so profoundly. I'm praying for your strength and peace. Thanks for sharing your experiences with us.

a corgi said...

(((Jamie))) I think these memories will be with you for such a long time; I think the nightmares would be so hard to deal with; I will pray that you will have restless sleep with comforting dreams


a corgi said...

sorry Jamie, that shouldn't be restless sleep but restful sleep; that is what happens when I tried to read journals after I've been typing all day

praying that you will have comforting dreams and not nightmares