Friday, September 25, 2009

His Laughter...

My house is so quiet now. It was never a super noisy place, but if it's possible for a quiet place to become completely silent; that's my house. Jay was home for a long time as he went through his treatments. I think in the three + years that he was sick, he might have worked a total of four months, so he was home all the time. The TV was always on...24 hours a day...there was some sort of noise in the house. Before he got too sick to get out of bed, Jay could be found at all hours playing video games, cooking in the kitchen, playing with the dogs or just sitting and watching TV. Now that he is gone, none of that is happening and the house is just deafeningly quiet.

I was thinking last night and this morning about how much I miss his laughter. He used to watch these stupid TV shows on the BBC (sorry, I don't get that humor...or is it humour? LOL) and he would laugh so loud that I could hear it from a mile away. I used to just sit in the other room and listen to him gaphaw and roar to whatever was being said. I loved to hear him laugh. In a time when he was so sick from the meds that caused nausea and in pain because the tumor was growing; he could still be heard laughing as if nothing bothered him. That can only be a gift from God. I treasured those times.

I received a "gift" this morning...I closed my eyes and allowed my memories to take me to a place where I could hear Jay's laughter again. With my eyes closed, I could envision him sitting in the living room relaxing in front of the TV. He usually had some sort of snack in hand, so I could smell whatever it was that he made. I love it when the Lord gives me the gift of being able to get submerged in the moment and He washes me over with the love in the memory of that moment. But it is always only for a brief moment that I am able to do that because I know that the Lord doesn't want me to get lost in the abyss that is the past, but rather, He wants me to cling to Him and His plans for my future. Eyes opened...back to reality. Quiet.

He lightened my heart this morning, if only for a moment. I am grateful for that. I am grateful that my honey is with my God that is so loving and caring and faithful. I close my eyes again...Jay is in heaven, being loved beyond measure; beyond anything I could ever have given him. He is filled with joy. There is no greater gift. Thank You, Jesus.

1 comment:

a corgi said...

amen to that Jamie :)

I'm so glad the Lord gave you such a gift!!! He truly does love you so much.

After my mom died, I had a few dreams that she was in them, I know she was dead, but I also was comforted by those dreams seeing her in them and hearing her voice; I always thought they were a gift from God too.

I can imagine the silence is the hardest to get used to.

thank you Jamie too for sharing your thoughts/grief with us; I know it has to be so hard and so painful for you during this season of your life......