Thursday, September 24, 2009

My Tears...

Well, here it is...I've hit that stage where all you can do is cry. Everything reminds me of my beloved and I miss him SO much that it makes me physically ache all over. I feel a constant heaviness in my heart and feel as though I am carrying 100 extra pounds of weight everyday; all day long.

You talk about a change! I wasn't sure if I would get to this point. As a matter of fact, just about 4 weeks ago, I asked another friend of mine (who happens to be a recent widow as well) if it was weird that I feel okay and don't cry much. She said, "Oh, you will. Don't worry." And sure enough...here I am. My pillows are soaked every night with tears. I cry out of nowhere now. The tears just come...I don't even have to be thinking about Jay at all and the tears just flow like a river.

On Sunday, all I did was cry. I didn't even go to church because I didn't want to just sit there and cry the whole time and draw attention to myself. I received a couple of calls from my best friend checking up on me. We were scheduled to go for a pedicure and I tried to cancel because I knew that I wouldn't be able to suck it up so I wouldn't look like a complete dork sitting in the chair crying, but true to my beautiful Karen's style - she wouldn't take 'no' for an answer. She is always looking out for me. She knew that if I sat at home, all I would do is sink further into a depression and that wouldn't serve any purpose in my healing process.

So off to the salon I went...and sure enough, in the middle of me getting my feet overhauled, I cried like a baby. I had to cover my face so people couldn't see my "ugly cry." You know, the cry where you scrunch up your entire face and look really scary?! LOL Anyway, the tears were free flowing. It stopped after a little bit, but I had to just let them flow.

Each day since then has been the same thing. Tears just flow when they want to. But, with much prayer and crying out to the Lord for His comfort, I was reminded of the scripture in the bible, Psalm 56, about how the Lord keeps our tears in a bottle. Meaning that He takes all of our sorrows that we give to Him in prayer and He holds them in a bottle. He cares for me and loves me so much that He takes every tear that I cry and keeps it safe in a bottle. What an amazing and loving God I serve. I never cry the same tears twice. Each one serves a purpose, and that is to heal my heart as I turn to Him and give Him my hurts. Psalm 126:5 says, "Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy." My joy will be made complete one tear at a time.

My happiness comes from God alone. Nothing in this world will ever give me fullness of joy. It is the Spirit of the Lord that fulfills my life. I am a treasure to my Father in heaven and He comforts me in my time of need. I may not always be "happy" according to the world's standards, but I will always have the joy and hope that the Lord gives me each second of the day. The hole in my heart is being healed by the Lord one tear at a time.

Thank You, Father, for keeping my tears safe in Your bottle. No one can do what You have done for me. Thank You for Your Word that comforts me so. Thank You for surrounding me with Your love. I praise Your Holy Name! Amen.

4 comments:

kelly said...

Jamie, my frien.. you hold on to that hope and joy.. the hole in your heart will heal one day.. they say people that suffer from cancer go through many stages of emotions. I believe too that those of us they left behind go through our own stages of emotions.. as time goes by it may never be better..but it does get easier.Love to you my friend..

Staci said...

Thank you for sharing this .. I am glad that you have the Lord to get you through this.. I hope this does not sound to selfish or wrong but you are helping us heal as well. Reading what you are going through and listening to you speak of the Lord just continues to heal my heart . I miss my uncle so much I cant imagine your aching for him.. My you continued to be blessed by the LORD!! love you always ... Staci

a corgi said...

(((Jamie))) I'm so sorry.....

I always think tears are healing; you expressed it so well how the Lord saves each and every one of our tears.......

He is there for you

I thought a lot about you this Sunday........now I know why

praying for you.....

betty

Carrie Stuart said...

Jamie...I am joining you in your tears right now. I am so sorry...but you are so right. I love how you said you won't cry the same tears twice...this is all part of the Lord's process. I can only imagine how much you must ache for Jay's presence. Sending hugs and Prayers!