Monday, November 30, 2009

First of the Firsts...BIG Leaps and Baby Steps

I've been searching for words this past couple of weeks. It seems that if you have a blog, you must have SOMETHING to say, but for me, the words haven't been coming very readily.

I have experienced three "firsts" in the past two weeks and it is all a bit overwhelming. The Lord is faithful to get me through these firsts in my "year of firsts" but honestly, at times it feels as though all I am doing is "getting through." I have endured Jay's birthday (11/15), Thanksgiving (11/26) and then my birthday (11/28)...and it seems to me that a person doesn't normally experience them back to back like that, but I guess for me it's "go BIG or go home." LOL It was like the proverbial ripping off of the band-aid. There was pain and anguish before and during, but once it was over...a measure relief.

Thanksgiving was proving to be a source of anxiety for me in the week leading up to it. I didn't know what I wanted to do. There was a part of me that wanted to share that day with my family, and then there was a greater part of me that just wanted to do my own thing. Well, the "do my own thing" part won out. It might be a bit selfish on my part, but I just wanted to take that day and make it my own. I wanted to spend the time with the Lord and give ALL of my emotions to Him so I could receive a measure of healing. It would be easy to go somewhere and spend the time with loved ones, but that only delays the inevitable. I really needed to be alone with God.

It takes a BIG leap of faith to enter into a holiday by yourself, especially a first holiday without the one you love there...the enemy was certainly waiting to place depression on my heart...I could feel him breathing down my neck, but the Lord was faithful to protect my heart as I read His Word and sought Him. The Word tells me that I am to "Seek first the kingdom of heaven..." So that is what I did.

The "BIG leap of faith" was that I trusted God would make everything all right in my heart. He told me He would never leave me nor forsake me...and true to His Word...He was there for me. But with big leaps of faith come baby steps of obedience on my part. I can go into these things trusting that the Lord will pull me through, but unless I do as He has called me to do...pray, read His word, and give my minute-by-minute life to Him - my healing and growth will only get me so far. This is the process that He has called me to go through.

So, with big leaps and baby steps I made it through. Praise the Lord.


Arlene (AJ) said...

Know this would be a tough time for you dear, the first anythings after losing a loved one are hard, have been thru them too many times, but the Lord will get us through it. I've found that on special days of my loved ones, lighting a candle helps and on Thanksgiving or any special family gathering that designating a chair only for our loved ones now in the Lords care at the table, helps. Keep taking it one day at a time dear and keep reaching for peace and happy moments in your heart, they will come again.

That corgi :) said...

Happy belated birthday, Jamie. I knew these holiday times would be tough; been praying for you; I think you did the right thing for you by spending Thanksgiving with the Lord; seems like it was a great time with him :)

praying for you for Christmas too