Friday, November 13, 2009

Raw and Random Emotions...

Wow...if you ever want to know just how alive you are, go through the grieving process. I thought I was on a roller coaster when Jay was still with me! I'm finding that those days were just the practice run...the REAL roller coaster ride starts now.

I've read tons of books on the grieving process...which actually does begin before your loved one dies...but there is absolutely nothing that can prepare you for what you will go through when they are gone.

I've felt every emotion, every single day and let's just say that it is an education on how to function everyday. Sometimes you have alcoholics and drug addicts who can "function" from day to day even though they are modified to a certain degree. Well, I'd like to add that there are "functioning grievers" around us as well, who are modified by the multitude of emotions that reside within them.

Yesterday I mentioned a "mud puddle of emotion" and I think I even surprised myself with that description because I thought about it for the rest of the day. I called it a mud puddle because the emotions of grieving are sticky, raw and dirty and truly soak your mind and cloud your good judgement. How appropriate for how I feel most of the time these days.

It's so easy to get caught up in the emotions and let reality slip away. Emotions really are normal, as all of the literature says, and that is so comforting to know. God gave us our emotions. BUT the enemy - in his cunning little way - uses those emotions to weasel his way in and lie to those of us who are vulnerable.

I have found that the real truth in my emotions is this; I trust the Lord to lead me through this, but if I don't continually surrender my emotions to HIM; I leave myself laid wide open for the enemy's tactics to bring me down completely.

Let's just say that I lived through that last night. I left myself vulnerable when I knew that I was emotional about yesterday being the 4th month since Jay passed away, and I didn't surrender those emotions to God and I just let it flow, and sure enough - Satan was waiting to come in with his lies. I allowed the enemy to shout his lies in my ear and there was a point at which I just fell for it and grabbed onto those lies in my anger for the situation. I took that anger out on someone I love very much...which is totally out of character for me, but unfortunately is starting to happen more often these days.

Not good...and certainly NOT pretty.

But praise the Lord that HE was able to eventually break through the wall of my emotional meltdown and penetrate my heart with HIS truth. I felt the sting of conviction that I was not doing what I was supposed to be doing as a believer in God, MY Father, and that is that I am to be broken before Him. Satan doesn't pick up the pieces! Satan shatters my existence...but GOD alone is the One that not only picks up the pieces, but supernaturally puts me back together and makes me even better than before!

While the promises of God were getting whispered to my heart, Satan was shouting his lies in my ear so my attention was drawn away from Him for a time. But praise God that He loves me enough to continue to seek my attention in love and not condemnation. I did eventually get to the point of surrender and began to hand each emotion over to Him so I could receive my healing for that moment.

I have to remind myself everyday that I am a child of God and everything that I am and everything that I have is HIS...that includes my emotions. I cannot do this on my own. It is only through the love of Christ that I will survive the pain and heartache of missing Jay.

NOTE TO SELF: Never think that it is ever okay to do this on your own, or that you've got it handled. Bottom can't and you don't. Let go and let God.


Staci said...

Although I am not going through half of what you have been through or going to go through.. I so need to hear those last few sentences..

Note to self!!

Never think that it is ever okay to do this on your own, or that you've got it handled. Bottom can't and you don't. Let go and let God.

Everytime I read your blogs I feel so much closer to you and closer to God cause you constantly remind me that I can not do anything without him!! thank you I really need to hear and read this today!! love you

Carrie Stuart said...

This was such an insightful post, Jamie. I am so saddened for your grief, but just amazed at God's gift in helping you to make sense of all this. It is an amazing thing to behold!



That corgi :) said...

(((Jamie))) I don't have anything to say; you said it so well here; just wanted you to know I read your words and am praying for you