Thursday, November 12, 2009

Four Months...

Wow, hard to believe that it has been four months. It seems like just yesterday Jay went to heaven...and here I am four months later, still being surprised that he is gone. There are just times when I have to really look around and make it real for myself. I knew it was coming for a while before he died, but I guess the shock is still wearing off and I'm still coming to the realization that he is gone...for now.

The confusion from the mud puddle of emotions is overwhelming at times. And everything that my mind and body are going through is apparently normal. Normal...what is that anyway? I don't even know what normal is anymore. A term that I once found comforting is now beginning t0 grate on me. I feel sad...oh that's normal. I feel angry...oh that's normal. I can't eat...that's normal. I can't sleep...normal. I'm beginning to find it comical because, what if I dyed my hair hot pink, got a nose ring and a tattoo and began hanging out in bars...NORMAL??? It seems like there is carte blanche with grief, and suddenly everything is acceptable. LOL

I don't know what normal is anymore, but I am discovering that the Lord is not interested in making my life normal. He is interested in taking the "normal" ordinary circumstances of my life and using them for His extraordinary purposes. Do I know what His plan is?? NO. But am I willing to endure a pain that NO ONE should survive to serve my Almighty God? Absolutely! God alone has suffered the ultimate pain for ME so why wouldn't I be willing to allow my pain to be used for His purposes. He is the God of all Comfort, so I rest in the knowledge that even through this pain, He is with me. He is healing me. He is loving me. He is carrying me.

I cling to His promises that are all throughout the bible. I cling to the promise that I will be reunited with Jay one day and that everything that the Lord promises us in the bible will be right before my very eyes as evidence that He was telling me the truth all along.

I've been listening to Steven Curtis Chapman's new cd Beauty Will Rise this whole week and there is one song in particular that really touches my heart to the core. He wrote the songs on this cd after losing his little daughter last year to a tragic accident. These are the lyrics that sing straight to my heart.

by Steven Curtis Chapman

Right now all I can taste are bitter tears,
and right now all I can SEE are clouds of sorrow,

From the other side of all this pain,
is that you I hear? Laughing loud and calling out to me? Saying SEE,
it's everything you said that it would be,
and even better than you would believe,
and I'm counting down the days until you're here with me,
and finally you'll SEE,

But right now all I can say is,
"Lord, how long?" before you come and take away this aching,
this night of weeping seems to have no end,
but when the morning light breaks through,
we'll open up our eyes and we will SEE,
it's everything HE said that it would be,
and even better than we would believe,
and HE's counting down the days 'til He says,
"Come with me" and finally...He'll wipe every tear from our eyes,
and make everything new,
just like HE promised,
wait and SEE,
just wait and SEE,
wait and SEE,

And I'm counting down the days 'til HE says,
"Come with Me" and finally we'll SEE,
wait and SEE,
Oh taste and SEE that the Lord is good,
the Lord is good,
the Lord is good,
Oh taste and SEE that the Lord is good,
The Lord is good.

Amen. The Lord is good. I praise His Holy name!

Thank You, Lord, for Your goodness, Your grace, Your mercy, Your faithfulness, Your LOVE. Father, only You can heal the deepest of wounds. I trust You for Your healing touch on my heart. Some days it doesn't seem as painful, and that is your grace and mercy washing over me. Some days feel all too painful, almost as though I cannot survive, but You are also faithful to meet me on those days with a special dose of Your love and comfort. Thank You for carrying my burdens for me. Thank You for loving me so much. Please fill my heart today. Refresh my spirit. And, Abba, kiss my baby for me. I miss him so much. In Jesus precious name. Amen.


Staci said...

Tear!! lots of them... you amaze me with your words and thoughts thank you for sharing this !!

That corgi :) said...

amen!! I echo what Staci said; you do amaze me Jamie with your insight, your sensitivity, your relationship with the Lord, and your willingness to share this with us who are privileged to read these words

that is a beautiful song of Stephen Curtis Chapman too

hugs to you