Monday, October 26, 2009

Just Keep Swimming...

Sometimes I feel like Dory, the quirky little fish in "Finding Nemo." When she frantically asked what to do when things got to be too much for her, she was told, "Just keep swimming." So, with all enthusiasm, she kept reminding herself to "Just keep swimming...just keep swimming...just keep swimming." And she even turned it into a catchy little tune that I now sing to myself every single day.

The emotions that flood my heart are sometimes too much for me and I have to remind myself to just keep swimming. Because if you keep moving forward in some capacity the pain, the sadness, the depression can be felt, but can't overtake your life. This is my way of facing my grief...wade through it all, but somehow manage to just keep swimming.

This past weekend, Jay's family came over and we all took the time to go through 20 years of memories that were housed in my garage. I wanted to give everyone a chance to grab some memories before I go through and get rid of stuff either through garage sale, ebay, or give away. It is very soon after Jay's passing...this I know...but it's time to downsize before I move, and I have as much time as I need to go through stuff and figure out what to keep and what to do away with and I don't feel rushed into making bad decisions. I can take my time and sift through things for as long as it takes for me to feel as though I made the right decisions for me. It felt organized and methodical and I was at peace with it.

I did pretty well, I think. I wasn't a total basket case for having relived 20 years of my relationship with Jay. I only really lost it when I found my bridal veil. That was difficult. But the Lord was faithful, and I was surrounded by family. We all took turns breaking down and shedding some tears. All of us miss him so much.

I couldn't believe all of the stuff that we had accumulated over the years. And for all of the grief that he had given me over the years for all of my shoes when he had WAY more fishing stuff; I just laughed and thought to myself that if he were here, he would be in big trouble. LOL

We had piles and piles of stuff all over the driveway and front lawn. People thought we were having a yard sale. LOL But we managed to each keep what we were emotionally attached to and for everything else, we either threw it away or placed on a shelf for sale or giveaway at another time.

After a long 2 days and everyone was gone, I took some time to reflect on the weekend and allow myself to really feel the grief of my situation. I felt in my heart that I need to move towards letting go of the hopes, dreams, and plans of the life I had with Jay, and start moving towards the new dreams, hopes and plans that the Lord has for me. After all, if I can't let go of this life, I can't receive the beautiful gift of the brand new life that the Lord wants to give to me. I am willing to let it go, but in due time. I'm in no hurry. While I don't like the pain I feel everyday, I try to remember that in the Lord's time my heart will be healed enough and I will be able to completely release this broken life so I can live a new restored life. I praise the Lord for His love for me.

So for now...just keep swimming...just keep swimming...


seeking the truth said...

((Jamie)) I know this has been such a hard journey for you but I am just amazed at your insight and wisdom that the Lord is giving you to go through this grieving process; I see a ministry here for you perhaps down the road if and when you want to pursue something like this and if it is what the Lord wants you to do; I'm learning so much from grieving from you; I'm just sorry you have to go through this

I laughed about the fishing items Jay had accumulated, that must have been fun to see all he had and to remember how he "fussed" over your shoes



seeking the truth said...

oops, I forgot; I changed my signature line/picture for commenting on blogs; sorry if I confused you but it is me, betty, with the palm trees and "seeking the truth" (because that's what I'm doing these days rather than blogging about Koda :)